Dating and relationship advice you can really believe in.

Well not just women it seems…I found myself in this same position just a few days ago and would be happy to hear anyone else’s opinion as I am completely baffled. Mr X instigates the communication and we happily go through guided communication, finding lots in common, similar interests, he’s so handsome and lovely, I think I’ve hit the jackpot. We speak on the phone daily and get even more comfortable with each other, then after 2/3 weeks decide to meet. Both of us seem pleasantly surprised, get on like a house on fire, clearly attracted to each other – all is great. I believe I’ve met this real genuine guy who happens to be everything he said he was – GREAT! After 3/4 dates with everything going amazingly well, texting, chatting, making plans for things in the next few weeks, completely out of the blue, hi I cant do a relationship, too busy with work, should never have been on the site, sorry to hurt you, there is no one else but bye bye – WHAT ON EARTH? So in a space of time he has managed to completely restore my faith in men but also completely shatter it in one fell swoop. I’m left thinking, what have i done wrong? Was my perfume that bad? Was my cooking really that offensive? I am at a complete loss and nursing a very screwed up head not to mention feeling fairly stupid! Comments gratefully received.

In reply to Pops:
You have not taken a single step wrong – put that out of your mind straight away!
There are two things that instantly spring to mind here…
Firstly, that things have progressed just that bit too quickly for him and he may have got scared.
Secondly, that all seemed to be going really well, but you never really know what a person is feeling and thinking about themselves, their life, their relationships, deep down, particularly after only knowing each other a short time…
This isn’t about you. He may have other things to resolve, other feelings, or perhaps he’s just really going another direction.
Relationships take time, it’s good not to rush or to call something perfect too soon..
My advice is, don’t call, don’t email, definitely no analysis paralysis or emotional contacts to him – in fact, don’t contact him AT ALL!
Silence could give him time to think and sort himself out and return to you, despite what he has said.
If he does, be fun but also less available. Make him work for you.
If he doesn’t, it wasn’t about you anyway and you’ll be getting on with your life, finding your real man who is still out there…
Good luck!

Wow! In reply to everyone above, I feel so much better. Glad to know I’m not some kind of weirdo, and just being normal.
Jill you are right, I think the men do sit back & expect us to come running – well they can think again!
Girl Friday, he is permanently deleted dont you worry!And for him I am permanently unavailable!
It has set me back somewhat however onwards and upwards. How are you both getting on with the site – had many dates?

In reply to pops and Dominic. Pops your definitely not to blame some guys are jerks which affects guys like me who are not. Like Dominic says i have been messaging on single365.com asking for meetings and chats and getting virtually no responses yet if someone messages me even if i feel there is no attraction I still reply and am honest. so why on here am i classed as having no compatables That Hurts. What am i doing wrong

looks is just part of the attraction – there also has to be integrity, personality, emotional stability etc

I think if someone suddenly changes the way they act it’s probably about them. As someone else said you usually don’t know what deep in another person’s heart. At least until you’ve had a long relationship with them.
Often, I think, people won’t share their deepest feelings as they think it will put the other person off or hurt their feelings, especially if they’re unsure about the relationship.
Or maybe people get drawn in to things they weren’t 100% sure about and then get swept along before realising they have to stop as it’s not what they want.

On the pet hates I with the others on spelling and grammar etc, you’re selling yourself, the least you should do is take some trouble it. The other one is what’s with all the really small photos? It’s not as if the full photo size is exactly high res but there seem to be many that are postage stamp size, are they taken from somewhere or do people really have that much trouble with working computers? Even so if you’re selling yourself you could surely get a friend to help or someone.

To any women that think the men do no work I’m definitely making contact with the matches that interest me, so far I’m 0 for 6! Maybe my photo is no good, maybe my profile has nothing going for it? (Honest options welcomed, I think)
Or maybe most members are on “free profiles” and can’t reply without paying money!

Anyway good luck to all, regards, Seb

Scarlet – he sounds very cheeky and perhaps a player.

sorry ladies but it’s just a ‘technique’ some people use.

I’ve had it used on me and it isn’t nice, it’s treating you with lack of respect. Yes it makes you feel like rubbish.

You can not reason with these people, you can not negotiate a relationship with them – they are just taking the p out of you. Let them move on to their next ‘victim’.

They tend to use mind game excuses to avoid responsibility e.g. “I struggle to let people get close to me” or “I’m that used to being alone” blah blah.

There are only 2 options available. One involves deleting their number and not responding to their texts/phone calls. The other is tell them to F off and then delete their number and not reply to their calls. Anyone who plays with your head isn’t worth another minute of your time.

Naomi, I’m flattered. I hope the computer matches us up!

yeah I get a steady stream of profiles of people who either aren’t logging in or aren’t subscribers.

don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!

I have just read all of the comments, and its amazing how many of us are actually in the same boat, trying by sending communications and having no luck. i thought that if they’d seen my profile they at least might want to chat and see what happens – but nothing – why be on here if your not even going to try. I dont think i’m butt ugly but obviously something wrong!

One of the most striking things that we have seen when doing our eharmony reviews is that people set themselves up to fail before they even start looking. Many singles in the UK start off with an idea of a perfect soulmate, and are unwilling to change this perception even if they have found that they dont actually gel with this type of person.

Oups, I just read through the comments and saw so much frustration…how sad…I also had similar experiences in the past (not on this site though)with men who seemed to be keen and then, suddenly, vanished into thin air when it started to get a bit serious….finding all sorts of excuses. I think the main theme is that we are all either available or not. A lot of men (and women of course) might think they are, but when confronted with the reality, they get scared. All it means is that they are emotionally immature (of course there are also a few really nasty specimen around).
Whatever happens, just keep repeating to yourselves that there is nothing wrong with you…just not the right person, that’s all. Don’t let it go to your self esteem…we all deserve to be treated with respect and that starts with respecting ourselves.

I very much agree with the comments. I’m a bit old fashioned and feel that the guy should contact me, it’s not an ego thing…honestly. I have contacted a couple of guys over several months and recently got the “I’m not sure why I’m on this site, don’t think I’ll be on for much longer.” I’m beginning to wonder if the profiles are genuine?? Also, just to share a comment in a recent magazine article about online dating, very funny and apt..to quote the writer Catherine Gray “If a smokin’ hot guy emails you saying, “Let’s meet up”, without any kind of banter foreplay, he’s probably typing the email with his penis. So, beware girls….lol..take care girls and guys and all the best with your search

Just wanted to say that I hoped E Harmony was different and might have screened the players out. Its awful how men think they can treat some women and vice versa too. Theres lots of nice people out there though and no question that someone thats a player will never make a good Husband or Wife. Feel so sorry for anyone whose been messed around!

I have been on and off this site for a year and not met anyone – no one has replyed to me. I did meet one guy on another site who seemed great but continualy messed with my head.All in all I am not convinced these sites work at a relationship level.

well hi to everyone,,just to say yes i know to well hwow it feels to be messed around..my thai lady met me in town 1st date.we got on well..came to meet my mom and family…

so kind easy going and sweet..she has wanted to move to my area for sometime..then out of the blue,,started picking on me for no reason..i had spent money on a ring.spent money on her house,and every spare day seeing her and doing jobs on her house,,

travelling 180 miles every week.
soon i found out she had thrown the kids out /didnt speak to them..but was so nice and civil if a friend came around…

like a split personality..so who knows how peoples minds work..perhaps some are simply complacated and should never be in a relationship..

others are just players and users
thats my thoughts..but yes there are some wonderfull single people looking for lasting love.just dont be sucked in too soon

It’s really helpful to read all your comments. I thought I was getting on great with this guy and he confirmed he felt the same way. We arrange to meet for the first time, he then cancels, and later tells me that he’s had another think and doesn’t think the distance will work….

Steve, thanks, I agree..it’s just when the distance is 3 hours away..both within Scotland..I think surely it’s worth at least meeting the person…ANYWAY, I let it go.

Hi all, just been reading all the comments. I haven’t been on here very long, yet I find the process very slow and haven’t got past all the tedious questions! It seems an un-nayural way of doing things…maybe I’m too impatient!
I do agree about the limited matches

it depends if you can afford the petrol! plus if someone lives that far away it’s not like you can see them very often, I couldn’t see someone who lives 3 hours away except at weekends – so that isn’t a basis for any kind of practical relationship. why start something which already has a big hinderance?

Nicola, North Yorks, I agree that the Guided Communication can be very drawn out, but some people like the feeling of protection it gives them. Sometimes I start GC and send an email to see if they will bypass all of that and sometimes it works. I think the main downside to doing that is that you can’t see what effort the other person is prepared to put into answering the GC questions. Does s/he always pick preselected or obvious answers ?

I will always insist on Guided Communication. I have found the ones on the site who aren’t serious and are just out to have something casual or who aren’t ready for a relationship obviously aren’t bothered about asking many questions of their potential new partner as they have no plans to go long term with anyone.

Shirley (#11) your comments did make me giggle – I think you’re funny! Or is that “yore”, “your” or “yaw” – only kidding!
Ayreshire Girl (#43 and 45) I completely agree – love knows no bounds. I know that if I found someone I wanted to have a committed relationship with I would move to the other side of the world for him – that is why I am on here so that I have more opportunities. We have fantastic technology these days and cheap flights which allows us to keep in touch with family, friends and loved ones. Distance relationships can work – my brother (who lives in Bolton, Lancs) and his now wife (who lived in Glasow), married within 18 months and she now has a very strange accent after 27 years of living in Bolton!
Steve from Manchester – am I being too forward with my ice-breakers? I’m asking if we can go to eHarmony chat. Please advise. Many thanks, P.

Hi Steve,
Still waiting to pass stage 4 of my guided communication,must be saying something wrong-at least am finding it out now rather than later-one bonus of no dates at least!Phew!

With regard to not replying – I have to hold my hand up. But….there I was watching TV on Saturday night and an advert for this site appears; after two glasses of wine and lots of thinking about the ex who messed me around for 6 years I thought ‘Well there’s no harm in seeing some matches’ So….I put my details in hoping to see a selection of photo’s but suddenly I’m getting nudges and icebreakers and not a picture in sight! I didn’t realise I would be going public quite so soon when I was only testing the water so apologies to everyone!

And I agree totally with the spelling and grammar (and apostrophes aarrghh!!) comments!

Whoaaaaaa – Steve Manchester… that’s way harsh (and I think you’re comments are great normally!)… re: 48 & 49 – don’t you think it’s quite flattering if a lady were to take the initiative (and have the confidence) to send you a properly thought out email that was original and interesting?!? I personally find the guided communication route ok and am happy to go along with it if that’s what he really wants to do (plus I think it’s great if you’re a bit shy) but it’s surely a mistake to judge people on their choice to bypass it? Hasn’t mankind been relating to one another just fine without all these ‘suggested’ topics of conversation and ever so predictable questions?!? The proof is in the pudding… and after all, anybody can put whatever they want in response to those questions, especially as the answers are set and limited at best; this certainly does not rule out any chance of them being as you say not ‘bothered’ and having no ‘plans to go long term with anyone’… they could still be a complete a time waster! On another note, I find the info above a load of tosh… do women actually think they are going to meet George Clooney and reject people that do not fit their ‘ideal’… does this really happen??? How bizarre… firstly, they would need to look like Lisa Snowdon as a minimum to even have a chance of finding the ‘George Clooney’… secondly, do we actually ‘have a type’… I’ve always found this to be a load of rubbish myself! Of my 3 serious boyfriends, they have all been so completely different – and my friends agree… how can anyone be so daft as to say ‘mine’s 6ft, athletic and handsome with a good sense of humour and stomach for heights…’ how ridiculous!!! if I had to pick an ideal man who is in the public domain, it would probably be Justin Lee Collins… what a legend!!! And uber attractive because he is funny and seems a really nice bloke – I’d take him over George Clooney anyday!!!

I have read all the messages above with interest – so far have been a total failure getting relationships (had a small one when I left school (I’m 40ish now) so several people advised me to try Internet dating – so far.. not so good – get matches mailed, so look at the match – and seems next time I log on, that match has closed me (not always but mostly), it would be at least helpful if they gave a reason why… I took the plunge and subscribed for 3 months last week so here’s hoping … is guided communication the way to go – I’ve just sent ‘Icebreakers’ so far as really am unsure! …

well no one is perfect,relationship is a two way traffic.you have to make up you mind and choose whether or not you can tolerate the bad habits t the end of the day you live with the choices you make or run away from them.

I’d appreciate some help here please, A girl got in touch with myself recenty and I replied with an email the same day she replied with her number in a reply, we both agreed we were better at talking face to face. I took the number but didnt feel comfortable to call/text so soon, so 2 days later I texted her. The texts were slow & small, so then I felt pressured to call her the next day, as Im better at texting than talking! So I called her, she missed the call – but texted to say ‘going of our texts i don’t think we’d get on. Good Luck’ so I replied with you hadnt spoke or met me!?!So had you given us a fair chance to get to know 1 another…?’ The reply said. Good luck. Sorry.

What do people make of this? Feedback would be useful.

Men and Women how go MIA:
This seems to happen a lot on dating websites – there will always be some people who think they can pick something up and then put it back, because it was all online, it started online. This is due to many reasons and guess what, non of the reasons include you ! It’s their behaviour not yours – yes, it can be painful/frustrating but try to remember there are other people out there who ARE genuine.

MONKEY BOY: Although I am not in that girl’s head, looking at your question, I’d say she wanted you to phone and you didn’t, she got disappointed and moved on – if this happens again, where you feel someone is moving things on too quickly for YOU, just be honest and tell them that things are just moving a bit too quickly – being honest means everyone knows where they stand – if a person shows signs of negativity towards you after you’ve expressed a genuine concern, move on – they’re not the kind of person you need in your life
Seagreen

Drew, i think the truth, though hurtful, is still better than being let down gently…i’d rather face the harsh reality. also, i think most men are really scared (or shall i say cowards?) of hurting another person. it takes more courage to tell the truth than be evasive.

EmJay #56… Im afraid some of us are guilty of only being interested in the one ‘type’ – I have spent my whole life refusing anyone a date who isn’t over 6’4, skinny, bald, sporty, confident & funny, to me this ‘type’ of guy is George Clooney! So here I am on eHarmony to try and expand my restrictions and look at the person inside and not how bald he is!

Monkeyboy #62 – she wasn’t right for you and you’re better off without her. Move at your own pace and don’t be rushed.

Good luck here everyone – Im on day 2 and am trying to find my way around!

@Stuart, sorry but that’s bizarre – they’re all asking you for money? You should report them. It’s probably a Nigerian scam..

Reading all the comments of the various experiences members have had on here has been a REAL eye-opener (I was blind, but now I see!).
I’m fairly new to EH, and to cyber-dating (a part of me still wonders if all these lovely ladies are in fact fat hairy bikers with tattoos in real life!). Reading the comments here has made me realise just how close to “real-life” dating this is (the chicks/guys who don’t return calls, get cold feet, the players/playeresses…).
EH delivered over 80 matches within 3days of having set up my profile (on average, I think I get at least 15 or so matches a day). I assumed it was the same for everybody! On the one hand it’s very flattering, but on the other, narrowing that down to that ONE whom I think is positive-minded, mature, mentally stable, fun and adventurous enough to meet up is quite an effort (I must admit I was naiive about this part of meeting people which cyber-dating has exposed me to).
I’m close to meeting someone for a date (which I’ll set up as soon as I’ve had her CRB-checked, obviously! … only kidding) so I’m excited. I instantly archive any matches without profile pics (maybe these are the hairy bikers!?), and so my net isn’t cast too wide, I’ve narrowed my search radius down to 30miles, and age range to a 5-year gap. I’m honestly puzzled that other members aren’t getting any matches at all? I’m no Denzel Washington/Brad Pitt – just a normal guy who had a normal stable upbringing, has a job he loves, is passionate about fitness and would like to meet similar. I hope sharing my experiences will also help some of you out there. especially those who are new to it like myself.

How women ruin relationships before they start…? Hmm, well, I can relate and share…..

In the early stages, freaking out that the guy is too good to be true, assuming that it’ll go wrong & he’ll go off you, then stupidly telling him you’d be happy to be mates…Doh!

I asked a male mate for his view…and got told off for being daft…apparantly, “there are three things a woman can say that will instantly kill a mans feelings for you, however well your date(s) went:
1) You are/were a bloke
2) You’ve slept with his friend(s)
3) Mentioning the friend zone.”

If he’s into you, any mention of ‘the friend zone’ will kill the good vibes & send a man scurrying away, especially if he opened up to you.

It also makes you look like a woman with no idea what she wants…..

Learn from my mistake girls, don’t do it!

@ John #75

Actually, I think Sandi was using the comma in a parenthetical way in order to distinguish the main flow of the sentence around “think about it”. I would say it’s more a colloquial use, but still entirely within the bounds of English grammar.

However, as the son of a professional author ond have also been a one-time professional proofreader, I admit to being a grammar stickler myself – every time I see “LOL” on a profile it reduces the likelihood I’ll contact her by at least 75% – the important thing is that you understand what they are saying. Language is simply a method of communication, and if you understand what’s said in spite of grammatical errors, then it has done the job it was intended to do.

i thought i found a decent guy we were getting on fine untill i posted a photo and he closed match on me, and on his profile he said he cant stand people who judge a book by its cover yet i feel hes done exactly that to me if people cant say what they mean then dont bother typing it! am i wrong to feel this way?

Interesting article, but I found the comments even more interesting!

@ 72 – I’ve just joined (about 3 weeks ago), and I’ve had the same thing. Phenomenal rate of matches (anywhere between 6-15 a day), but a high percentage being either timewasters, left their profiles gathering cobwebs or wildly inaccurate ‘Flex’ match.

Ah well – no harm in casting the net as wide as possible, as you never know.

I have decided it’s near impossible to iniatiate a long distance relationship via eH. I have had very odd questions sent to me by a man who expects me to say how I would handle his “bad day”, quite intimate questions and completely inappropriate from a total stranger However I took the time to answer, and never heard from him again.
I hate these bruising experiences.T

Wow! as a ‘golden oldie’ from the land of Oz, I’m surprised by the fact that these discussion threads all seem to come from UK, Scotland etc. so here’s one from Down Under. Same probs – I don’t like illiterate messages and profiles without photos. I still read them, but you get a better sense of the person if you can see a face.
Yes, it does appear that we girls make the first move. Hmm, why is that?
Steve, you have some wonderful insights – are you a counsellor
In nearly a year of being on eHarmony, I’ve only met up with one man, and I’m willing to pursue long-distance relationships. Have had matches from UK, US, Canada & Norway. In fact, much less from Oz. Mmmmm what does that say about Aussie males?
Anyway, we had coffee and although he said he wanted time to get to know each other, on the 2nd coffee date, he put his hand on my leg several times, even though I kept shuffling away from it. Hey I’m not afraid of a relationship, but I think he was a bit too presumptious, don’t you? Pity – as we shared a lot in common and I liked him.
FYI we did meet again for a meal and a walk along the foreshores, but I was feeling rather fragile due to the stress of looking for work & feeling useless (because I’ve never had trouble getting a job in earlier years). Although he professed that he “was there for me”, perhaps it was too much. I can understand that.
After emailing him to thank him for the meal, chat, his time … I never heard from him again.
I’m beginning to believe that we cannot rely on this method of meeting people, that perhaps we should just let FATE bring whatever it may. Although I appear years younger, perhaps my age (61) is offputting – I think most men want someone younger. Whatever..
But I’ll stay onsite a little longer .. it can be interesting reading the profiles … maybe mine needs an update … less info perhaps. More photos – me sailing, me in a bikini? Nah better not push it. LOL LOL

Hi,
I can heartily recommend a book that might answer some of the questions that have come up here. “Attached” by LEVINE/HELLER describes different attachment styles and gives clues as to how to avoid matching with the wrong lover. It might also stop some of you beating yourselves up when a possible match suddenly stops communication.
Happy hunting.

Sandi #67 wrote: “…bad spelling and grammar (and punctuation, I add)…. Especially the ‘your’ for ‘you’re’. …That particular error drives me crazy!

the other mistake that pisses me off is theretheirthey’re

if someone has no brains/education/logic to distinguish between these, then it’s a no-starter

Can I just say everybody on this thread is so supportive and lovley.
I wish we could look each other up. x

I have been talking to a man from the UK who lived part-time overseas, we appeared to be getting along really well over the phone and made each other laugh, on return to the UK we meet up after two hours he decided he wanted to go home,he told me I was not attractive although he was no oil painting that didn’t bother me, I was prepared to give it a go. My confidence has seriously been dented and I not longer want to use the internet for dating.

Anne, post 71. Interesting point about some people – maybe many – not being paid up members and hence can’t reply. I have tended to assume that the matches sent to me can actually reply if they wish, and hence tend to feel pretty bad when I get nothing time after time. I appreciate your comment; it makes me feel a bit better about my long list of apparent rejections – and me so lovely! And I can spell and use proper grammar!!

reading this is so interesting… and makes me feel VERY lucky. I met someone online – the only guy I did meet and he was the one. We did email for 6 months before we met, 2 years later we live together and I have never been as happy. Ladies, there are really some true men out there, so don’t give up hope!!

Good luck – but true love does happen (and I am not a gorgous skinny babe!)