16 June 2010
How to break the nagging cycle
by eHarmony
Nagging is tiring for the nagger and the person being nagged, but often we just don’t know how else to get our partner to do something, or agree with us. Here’s how to get out the nag trap.
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If you ask your partner to vacuum the lounge, and when they don’t do it straight away, you find yourself saying, ‘Erm, didn’t you say you’d vacuum the lounge?’, you could be accused of nagging. Somehow, we convince ourselves that by repeating ourselves our requests will sink in. But in reality we’re just nagging, and that’s irritating for all involved.
Unfortunately we tend to nag the people we love, causing rifts in our more important relationships. It doesn’t need to be this way though – here’s how to break the nagging cycle.
Don’t put a time limit on it
Imagine you’ve asked your girlfriend to do the dishes after dinner, and an hour later they’re still sitting there. Your anxiety rises, and the more time ticks away, the more anxious you’ll feel. The question is, why put a time limit on something that isn’t pressing? Yes, if you’ve got people coming round and you’ve asked your partner to tidy the lounge you’ve got more of a point. But ask yourself, does it really matter if the dishes don’t get done for a few hours while you watch an after-dinner movie? In fact, would the world end if she did the dishes in the morning? We thought not.
Ask yourself, who cares?
If your partner actually has no vested interest in the thing you’re nagging about, then why are you asking them to do it? For example, if you’re nagging your partner to tidy up the cupboard beneath the stairs when they really don’t care what it looks like, then why don’t you spend an hour doing it yourself? Pick your battles wisely.
Stop banging your head against the wall
If your partner doesn’t respond to your request for them to do a task, don’t assume that by asking them to do it again will result in a different outcome – instead, change tack. If they ignore your request to put out the rubbish, place the bag in their path when they leave the house in the morning. That way they’ll be hard pressed to ignore it.
Should you just do it yourself?
It’s worth considering that sometimes it’s better to just do things yourself. We’re not saying that you should always cave and run around after your partner, but if your partner doesn’t do things to your standards, it might be you with the problem, not them. If you need something done to precise standards, make sure you tell your partner exactly what you want doing. Don’t ask him or her to weed the front garden and wonder why they didn’t do the back garden too. Set them up for success rather than setting yourself up for disappointment.
If you’re still not convinced, see if you can remember the last time that nagging worked for you. And if it did, ask yourself if it was worth the friction between you and your partner. Also, consider the possibility that if you’re nagging your partner about small insignificant things, is it your way of ignoring a bigger problem in your relationship? Let the nagging go, stop exhausting yourself and your partner, and concentrate on what really matters in your relationship.
1
lyn rush
14 July 2010 13:31
In other words, allow your self to be ignored, run around after your partner like a servant, smile sweetly while doing it. Dont even dare think you might be taken for granted or your partner doesnt give a hoot for how you might be feeling, and all will be well, unless you Both feel the same way and dont mind living in a tip. Sorry guys .That is cral advicwe and would work for anyone i know
2
Jenjellybean
15 July 2010 09:08
this is quite possibly the worst article i have ever read!!! You are basically saying why bother asking them to do it when you can just do it yourself…..yeah right!!!!
3
Andrew
15 July 2010 09:27
I think people have different levels of tidyness and the two involved need to have a frank discussion. It maybe that you agree to keep the whole house tidy except for a spare room where the “untidy” person can be themselves.
Or some people work better with a basic rota. For myself, I’ve lived in a number of shared houses and where ever there was a rota, the house was clean and tidy (with no nagging), where ever there wasn’t a rota, the house was a tip. Everyone is different, rather than assuming the other person is the same as you, “tidying as you go” and nagging them to be likewise, talk about it and agree something that works – a basic rota works well with who I am.
4
experienced
15 August 2010 13:41
Nagging doesn’t work. The person needs to be motivated to do something. If they aren’t motivated, and you are, you end up being a slave picking up after the slob. If neither of you are motivated, then it just won’t get done at all.
The solution I use whenever there’s a task neither of us wants to do is to hire someone. Works a real treat. Course, you need to have spare dosh to carry this one out.
If he’s the primary breadwinner, he may feel like he’s putting in enough already. Have a frank talk about how much work you do all day – it’s much more than he realizes. Ask if he’ll re-divide the chores. If he knows about the strain you’re under, it will probably motivate him to help out.
The spare room for the slob doesn’t work, BTW. My slob just filled his to the brim with his crud and then started mooching in on the public spaces again.