30 September 2010
3 reasons you shouldn’t stay friends with your ex
by eHarmony
After an emotional time together you break up with your ex, agreeing to be friends. Here are three very good reasons why this is a VERY bad idea.
Break-ups hurt, even if it’s simply that you’ve grown apart. That emotional legacy will still come back to haunt you as you go your separate ways – thoughts of happier times and treasured shared moments. And it’s that emotional legacy that often triggers you to utter those immortal words, ‘I’d really like to stay friends’.
Not even the pain of the break-up or the horrified response from friends can stop ex-couples thinking it’s a good idea to try and be friends. In some cases it’s the feeling that you’ll be throwing away a great friendship as you already know you get on really well, and in others it’s that one or both parties are hoping they’ll get back together.
Whatever the reason, unless there are children involved, in the wake of a break-up it’s never a good idea to jump straight into friendship with your ex – for one thing your head will be all over the place. Still unconvinced? Check out these three reasons and tell us if you still feel the same:
1. You can’t just turn off your feelings
Unless you truly hate your ex for some reason (for example, they cheated on you), chances are you’ll still have some feelings for them. They may not be the same feelings you had when you met, and you may think you’re totally fine with being friends, but once you start to relax in each others’ company your guard will come down and you’ll start having those feelings again.
And if you’re the one who’s been dumped you need to be extra careful. Ask yourself if you agreed to stay friends in order to keep your ex close, and maybe even get back with them. How do you feel when you’re around them? Do you arrange to meet up alone or with a group? Do you engineer situations where alcohol is involved? This is a time to be incredibly honest with yourself as, even if you do end up spending the night together, chances are it’ll be a world of regret you’ll wake up to.
Conversely, if you were the dumper, be aware that your ex might still be harbouring feelings for you. The best thing you can do is try to create some distance between you and your ex. Maybe you feel guilty for dumping them, but you’ll just be causing more harm by keeping them close.
2. Lines can get blurred too easily
Imagine you’ve got flu and you call a friend for some soup and sympathy. Imagine that friend you call is in fact your ex and they dash round in order to nursemaid you. This is where things get tricky as one party starts thinking ‘oh they needed me’ or ‘they came to help me’. Suddenly the innocent action of a friend becomes a romantic gesture, and one or both of you are entertaining thoughts of getting back together.
The fact is, there’s a reason you broke up. But, even if you were the one who cut the ties, when you’re alone and your ex is there for you, or vice versa, you may start to think that being with them must be better than being alone. Unfortunately, getting back with an ex is far easier than putting yourself out there and looking for someone new. But remember that in the long run you know it’s not right, you’re just extending the pain of the break up.
3. You won’t be able to move on
In order to begin a search for someone new you have to have a clean slate, which you won’t have if you’re still in regular contact with an ex you have feelings for. Any new prospect that comes your way will be quickly dismissed because they don’t fit your strict specifications – the real reason being that they’re just not your ex. We’re not saying that having your ex out of your life is the answer to all your problems, rather that having them in your life is going to make moving on much harder.
Of course there are circumstances where a couple break up that really should be together. Maybe one of them needs to mature a little, or maybe there was a misunderstanding. But, even in this situation, the majority of the time distance is needed. We’re not saying you can never be friends with an ex – you may make great friends once time has done its healing. It’s just that in that initial post-break up period, space is healthy.
1
Robert(Manchester)
5 October 2010 21:19
I NEVER keep in contact with any ex girlfriends.I think when a relationship is over,that is it,finished,end of.Move on.
The only time that you should stay on good terms with an ex if possible is when children are involved because they are the innocent people caught up in all the s***
2
Steve, Manchester
7 October 2010 21:56
I do keep in touch with any where it has ended amicably and no-one else was involved. The only one I don’t keep in touch with is the one who I discovered was a liar/cheat – I can never be friends with someone like that.
3
Robert(Manchester)
8 October 2010 00:28
Steve,Manchester, I think we will have to agree to differ on your first point ,that is just my personal point of view though I agree with you 100% on not wanting to keep in touch with a liar and a cheat.
4
Teresa
10 October 2010 13:06
as far as i am concerned all my ex is dead to me .
5
Alan
10 October 2010 20:32
I broke up with one g/f (an amicable break-up) three years ago. We have remained friends ever since and have never slipped into any of the pitfalls covered in this article.
I disagree with the author. Whether it is a bad idea or not depends on circumstance.
6
kemi
10 October 2010 20:37
I really do have this problem.Everytime my boyfriend and i break up we always say ” let’s be friends” but then that never works because in about 2 weeks we back again together. I am really tired of all the pain he causes me so i mostly do the breaking up each time. but it never works. thanks for these hints on why you should never stay friends with your ex.
7
Jim
10 October 2010 20:45
My ex dumped me, her ex cant do with her, but doesn’t want anyone else to have her either, as soon as a good guy appears so does he to do his damage.She has been told by friends to stop the friendship with him, but he b…..ts his way back.
8
NIcky
10 October 2010 21:53
I wish my boyfriend would take this advise. His ex girlfriend still has door keys to his flat and let’s herself in when she wants. I don’t even have keys to his flat! Plus I found out today that even her parents have door keys and stay at his flat when they come to visit his ex! It drives me mad, I think she is a control freak and can’t bear to let someone else make him happy even though she now has a child with someone else. It has caused rifts between me and my boyfriend but he says there’s nothing is in it and
doesn’t consider how it affects me.
9
Steve
10 October 2010 22:33
I agree with most of the article, after a traumatic break up twice with an ex i still had deep feelings, basically it all depends how emotionally heathy and strong you are, for me i needed that space and go cold turkey..also the other danger is that an ex may appear to be getting over it quicker, which can leave you ” cold” and with many further questions to agonise about.. there is no easy solution and painless way, some people can jump straight into another relationship, like falling off a bike and getting on again,some need time to heal and recover.. like me, my advise to anyone is if you feel a likely breakup is on the cards begin to distance your friends from them as embroiling them into your circle can make matters worse later.. space means out of your life, if feels harsh and you still pity them but trusting your feeling is a good start.
10
andrew
10 October 2010 23:04
i have to see my ex every other weekend,sometimes more because of my 3 boys.it drives me mad to see her.its been nearly 2 years since we broke up.i cant move away because of the kids,i just have to put up with it.but it has changed me from a happy go lucky bloke to a wreck.my boys keep me going an they love their daddy.im looking forward to being happy again.i wish i new the answers.
11
ian
11 October 2010 00:03
That is all very clinical and logical however you simply cannot say its not a good idea there are plenty of examples of people who have broken up, got back together and gone on to have a marriage and kids. This sort of advice is one reason why dating is becoming such a minefield. People instead of talking things through go to the internet. This is a good reputable site however most of the time taking advice on line is a lottery.
12
Elski
11 October 2010 00:36
I think this advice is good and sound, and especially useful maybe for the person who got dumped so they can get their power back after what may have been very a pain full breakup.
It also forces both parties to have a think about what happened as opposed to carrying on as if nothing had changed….time is the big healer… Not more of the same.
13
Bob
11 October 2010 01:58
Ok you people are lucky enough to have an ex!
Seriously though advice like this is just daft – everone and every situation is different! Just do whats right for both of you – some of my best friends have been what you call ex’s.
14
Boris
11 October 2010 06:15
It seems many ‘Exs’ are NOT Truly that.
If it is worth keeping a relationship going, do so, but DON’T PRETEND it is over and friendship has replaced it.
Sex is likely [virtually certain] to reassert itself [powerful as it is.]
I would NEVER recommend looking backwoods & forwards unless your name is ‘Janus’
15
Kenny
11 October 2010 07:41
I was dumped in July, still sleeping with them now. Bad times ahead I’m sure but I love the girl to bits so this is better than nothing for me. by her own admission the lines have started blurring as she calls me nearly every day and tells me how her day is and has started inviting me to her social functions again.
16
Steve, manchester
11 October 2010 15:23
If you’re one of the above people who is re-bounding from/to someone you’re referring to as an “ex” then that person isn’t an EX.
Get a grip and certainly do not sign up to a dating site until you have got rid of that person and had some time to get your head sorted out and you’re perhaps so messed up in the head you shouldn’t be in the dating game.
If you’re still clinging on to a semi dead relationship like this, which in itself is extremely pathetic (I know ‘cos I’ve been there) AND you’re off dating or emailing potential dates then you’re an annoying time waster.
17
Gemma
11 October 2010 18:07
Interesting reading. I’m a big fan of complete breaks and have had some trouble shaking the current ex. I stopped replying to his txts after a couple of days and have enjoyed the freedom of not hearing from him!
18
doran
11 October 2010 21:33
even 28yrs after my divorce it still breaks me up when, because of family gatherings, I need to be in the same room as my ex. I have had one special guy in my life since then but this didn’t work either. so what do you advise. I’ve “got on” with my life and my family is woderful but I miss the closeness of a special person .
19
jacks
11 October 2010 21:41
Read this article and was confused that it made such sweeping statements. I have 2 major ex’s, kids with both I detest the first one and am friends with the second one.
The second one is an easier relationship as I have stopped detesting him. I respect the fact that he shares care of our son and we talk about things that he needs to make him a happy, secure individual.We both agree that he is our joint concern.
I decided to be friends with my ex because it made our son happy and in a way that a 5 year old can understand he sees us getting on ok. I don’t hate this ex now but no way do i want my ex back we have moved on. if my son did not exist we would not be friends so this statement may work better for those who are childless. I think it a banal statement to tell parents not to be friends the people who benefit from mutual respect and regard (terms you will find in the dictionary somewhere near FRIEND)are the kids.
20
Steve, Manchester
11 October 2010 21:48
how can anyone move on if they are still clinging on to something that clearly wasn’t working.
21
doran
11 October 2010 21:59
Steve Ihave not clung on, I have got on with my life and a good one at that. His trying to be friends with me is what upsets me
22
Steve, manchester
12 October 2010 11:18
Doran, it isn’t an easy one really.
Everyone’s situation is different but if this person is getting you down or if this EX is trying to get you back into the cycle (get back together, break up, get back together etc) then you really need a clean break for the sake of your health and sanity.
23
Steve, manchester
12 October 2010 11:20
I agree with the comments about kids, for the sake of the kids you should attempt to be amicable at least unless the previous partner was violent/abusive/unstable.
24
Teresa
12 October 2010 21:52
Totally agree with you on that one steve.I would,ve allow access without supervision because of my ex,s violent temper for the reason why i left him.
25
Steve, Manchester
12 October 2010 22:35
Sorry to hear that Teresa.
26
Lorraine
13 October 2010 21:02
I’ve stayed friends with some ex’s and still have a great friendship – sorry but I disagree with the article – unless they did something wrong, if the relationship just fizzled out, its great to stay friends.
27
Ray
13 October 2010 22:54
It’s a complex issue. Generally relationships don’t end well, so there is no reason to carry on being friends.
There are though, many people out there that say they are still friends with their ex. Each ex partner still wants to know their other half is keeping well, and being looked after by their new partner.
These people just can’t let go. They still want to cling on to something that they needed, and valued in the old relationship.
There is nothing wrong in that point of view, until one day they realize they want to be more than friends again.
28
Steve, Manchester
14 October 2010 16:36
In order to move on and be ready when a wonderful new person comes into your life, you need to be clear of the relationship that you left behind. So your mind is ready and so your new girl/man doesn’t dump you ‘cos your ex is still on the scene.
29
Lyn
16 October 2010 08:33
I am amazed how emotionally immature this article assumes everyone is. I have 2 exes – married to one for 4 years, no kids, lived with other for 16 years, 1 child. What is the problem? We are sensible mature adults who accept that the reason we lived together was because we liked one another as people and had a strong friendship! Love was an added extra. Now the love has faded our friendships are still there, we know each others strengths and weaknesses and don’t have any ‘anger’ to deal with! We have all moved on yet treat each other as family. It works well – no arguments, no ‘issues’. More people should try burying the green eyed monster and their selfishness. They will be surprised at how much better life can be. It also resolves many of the child issues too. For info been in business with ex husband for 14 years now – started after we divorced because we knew what we were good at and could trust one another!
30
Steve, manchester
18 October 2010 18:16
Lyn, I agree, the article is very one sided. It’s actually titled incorrectly – it should be “reasons why it isn’t always right to stay friends with your ex”.
I am in a similar situation with the last person I lived with which ended years ago – moved on and treat each other with respect and there is no anger or bitterness. And it annoys me if a new g/f assumes anything else.
31
jane
4 November 2010 13:42
For me after healing time, I have stayed friends with my ex, however I have (as the dumped person)also fallen into the maybe if we stay friends he will realise……didnt work though, he did realise, and we ended up sleeping together…obviously didnt realise what I wanted him to, him lust me love…
32
Martin
6 November 2010 22:55
This is an excellent, thought-provoking article, the way it splits opinion proves it. I personally agree with everything it says.
is having deserved covering in the article too though (sorry but I must admit, I had a bit of a chuckle when I read it).
I do think that the kind of problems poor Nlcky (comment
4) Respecting new relationships?
33
Martin
6 November 2010 22:58
- that was meant to say ‘comment eight’ where the sunglasses smiley is
34
confused
12 November 2010 16:01
I was dumped 2 years ago by someone I really thought I had a future with. They seemed so happy yet just disappeared without proper explanation. I’m not sure about being friends but some sort of a conversation about why things ended would have been really helpful to me. I think refusing to speak to an ex who has been good to you is cruel and callous. I’m still suffering and the cold cut off has not helped me get over it. Where are the quality guys?
35
Onmyowntwo
13 November 2010 20:28
Confused, sorry, love, there aren’t any. I’m leaving this site as there are too many sad acts and pervs. I’ve just come back from the States – I was invited over there by some ‘big shot’ politician for a week. I left his house after two nights, terrified. I thought he’d be honourable as he wouldn’t risk his political arse by doing something ridiculous. How wrong I was. I’ll do things the old fashioned way from now on. The internet doesn’t provide enough background, even if the people you meet are well-known and easily googled. I’m completely disillusioned by the whole thing. I’d prefer to stay alone but safe.
36
R
14 November 2010 05:00
Me and my partner of 13 years split 10 months ago. I was ready for the next progression, he wasn’t… We were very young (17 & 19) when we got together and really were best friends throughout our relationship.. Although the split was mutual and very amicable the past 10 months have been very difficult for both of us but have worked hard at staying friends with each other.. We’ve met up every few months over a drink or two to catch up and even talked through our dating fun and nightmares.. We both ended up on this site without realising we had both joined and were matched pretty much instantly!! Something that made us laugh. I think exes can remain friends without falling into the trap of getting back together.. In some ways we’ve helped each other begin to move on.. He has met someone and I’m made up for him.. And I think he would be happy for me if and when that happens for me.. I think I may have done just that but still early days… All in all.. I genuinely believe exes can stay friends as long as there are clear boundaries in place and both realise why you split up in the first place. It’s about repecting that other person and the good things they brought to your life when you were together.
37
Steve, Manchester
14 November 2010 16:47
it’s 2 years on and you’re still upset about it? perhaps you need some kind of ‘closure’?
38
Gin
14 November 2010 20:23
This is such a thorny issue. I agree that in the case of children, the more two people can remain on speaking terms, the better. Apart from that, I think Martin put his finger on it that there is a 4th important reason to make a clean break with an ex – respect for any new relationships. In my experience—my own, and in observing others’—the two people in a breakup are usually not in the same “place” with regard to the break, and, if the relationship was good at all, there will still be some residual positive feelings on both sides. It’s often the case that one person would like to get back together and may be hoping that by hanging on the other person will change his or her mind (and s/he may not acknowledge that even to himself/herself). Hanging on—whether you are the dumper or the dumpee—can give mixed signals to the ex, and may be a sign to a new partner that the person has not fully moved on. A new partner coming into an unresolved love relationship can be hurt or confused, or, worse, not feel that the new partner is open to the new relationship. I think if an ex still has free access to a person’s apartment, one or both has not moved on. And respect for the new partner and his/her reaction to such a situation is essential, if any deep relationship is going to evolve.
39
hayley
15 November 2010 11:05
In certain circumstances there needs to be some compromise. If children are involved then i believe there should be some amicable friendship there. But there again it depends on whether the other parent decides that. My scenario is my boys dad, had an affair moved and married her, n had 2 more kids. My boys now have a dad who cant be bothered. My daughter has a dad, who says he wants to be there, but has dropped the bombshell he is moving to canada and getting married. First one also didnt want me, but didnt want anyone else to have me, and second one, says he wants me in his life. Sorry but the only contact with him will be our daughter. If there is no reason for you to be friends then, let go, forget move on and find someone else
40
julie
15 November 2010 12:55
I am in contact with my ex as we have a child together. But i do find it hard sometimes as he was the one who left me and also as he has meet someone else now.
If it wasnt for my daughter i wouldnt be in touch with him.
41
Fiona
17 November 2010 22:19
Whoever wrote this article clearly wasn’t a teenager in the 70′s ! I was and my 3 exes are still friends . Yes there was break between romance and progression to friendship ! What the hel is wrong with everybody !
42
eammon
17 November 2010 23:31
good reading good tips,i broke up with my ex 14yrs ago,and 2weeks ago i was up town when someone called my name out ,so i just carried on walking ,because i know it,was my ex.
43
Steve, manchester
18 November 2010 17:16
there’s one ex who hit me and there’s another who cheated on me – other than those 2 I would have no problem saying hello to an ex in the street.
44
Mag
19 November 2010 18:20
Me & my ex were having relationship problems for 5 years I finally stated I wanted a transfer of equity in March. I am now in rented accomodation whilst he is in the house really enjoying his life. I did not want to split it was his ultimate decision I only wanted a reaction. He still wants to remain friends. I find it very painful. I have to move on. I am very lonely.
45
Christie, Cheltenham
20 November 2010 00:22
The best thing to do really, unless you have children, in this situation is to cut all ties with your ex-partner and avoid seeing them again full stop. This will allow you to fully move on and meet someone who is potentially a lot better for you. I was engaged to someone and was with them for about 3 years, then we broke up but unfortunately slept together on and off for a year afterwards. As I was the one who was dumped, I was deeply affected as I was determined to get back with him despite forgetting why we broke up in the first place and the reasons why we were simply incompatible in personality traits. Fortunately I was the one who decided to quit all contact with him (remove from Facebook and as a phone contact etc). It helped massively and focusing on having fun with friends and travelling is just fantastic! If anyone reading this has been heartbroken like I have, please move forward and look to the future with optimism. Someone far better will be out there for you
46
Andrew, Sussex
20 November 2010 13:31
This article is by far the worst that I have read on this Web site. Its generalisations simply trample on our personal individualities and specific circumstances of relationship breakup. If you have completely and truly come to terms with the reasons that a relationship has ended then there is no problem whatsoever with staying friends with an ex as long as you still like that person enough. I suspect that an underlying (misplaced) reason for this article is to cajole this Web site’s (possibly vulnerable) users in to staying as customers. I would suggest that newly-made singletons should be strong enough of character and trust their own judgement as to whom they stay friends with and why.
47
Melanie
29 November 2010 23:09
Disagree totally. I was in a five year relationship with my daughters Father. We still cared about each other but both knew that we were no longer ‘in love’. 12 years later he (and his new partner) are still best friends of mine. He even babysits for my husband and I and our new family. It takes work in the beginning, so taking a little time out isn’t a bad idea, but as long as noone has done anything bad to the other, these things can be overcome. we just knew we didn’t want to be together as a couple anymore but that didn’t mean we didn’t not want to be in each others lives anymore.
48
Francesca
1 December 2010 22:43
All so very true! There’s a definite reason why you broke up and a definite reason why you shouldn’t go back especially if it’s just because it’s the easiest option. So don’t! Hang on in there and the right one just for you will be along, probably when you least expect it!
49
Olivia
4 December 2010 22:35
An ex is an ex for a reason. I will never go back with mine. He is dead as far as I am concerned. Why put yourself through the pain over and over again. I do not acknowledge him as person I know even if we are in the same room.
50
Rick
5 December 2010 03:15
I only read half the comments but I was surprised that no one had yet mentioned (or the article itself) that surely the worst thing would be seeing your ex find a new partner? I couldn’t cope seeing that so that’s why I chose to cut ties. Blocked on facebook, etc…Breaking up is painful enough without seeing them with someone else…
51
Elena
8 December 2010 08:46
I disagree with the article and tend to think it depends on why you broke up. If it was an amicable break up (eg, want different things, growing apart), then I see no reason why 2 mature people can’t remain friends.
However, if one person cheated or was abusive or some other thing happened to show a lack of maturity, selfishness etc., then obviously at least one person in the relationshp isn’t much of a friend anyway, so there is no friendship to consider.
One of the nicest things about having friends is that you can meet other friends through them. I would consider a person who can’t stay friends with at least some of their ex-partners may have some underlying issue that prevents them from letting go of resentments/attachments.
52
vin
13 December 2010 23:02
I was in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6yrs, we broke up a few times but ended up getting back together because we stayed in touch. I have 2 children(age 14&11), he is not their father but he is all that they’ve known as a father, we never told my children about our relationship, he has always just been my friend as far as they know, i chose not to tell them until we were ready for marriage and he agreed to this, he has been like a father to them, he is very caring and even when we’ve broke up he has always been there for them like normal, they didn’t ever feel the difference and I’ve always respected him for that. in the past when we broke up, 2-3 wks would have been the most and in that time we will still be talking. 5 months ago we decided to break up, this time I also wanted to end it, just fed up that he didn’t want to settle down, i had no stability with him, so when we parted we decided not to stay in contact and for the first time my children felt the difference, i explained that we can no longer be friends because i need to meet other people and maybe find a husband, they were understanding and he is still there for them, we had not spoken to one another for 5 months but only txt regarding the children. few weeks ago he decided to tell me how he feels, he told me that he will never have normal relationship with a another women because I have reached him in a place no one has ever… he never spoke about his feeling in our relationship and i was shocked that he had now, he said that he still doesn’t know if he wants to settle down with me and that we shouldn’t force it, i told him i want to settle down in 2yrs time and he said he’s not ready, what do I do? I broke the rule by trying to be friends with an ex again!and to think that i was doing so well this time….
53
kim
9 January 2011 00:36
I’ve stayed in touch with my second husband now for nearly 5 years and are ‘friends’ but I find that we keep falling back into the same old habits as soon as we spend any length of time together. We have no children together, he finished with me but still wants to keep in touch. I find this very confusing and we do invariably end up having sex. I want to move on but find this contact difficult to end. I know it would be better to have a clean break!
54
Talula
17 January 2011 00:37
Three years ago and after a seven year relationship I was dumped with no real explanation except that he loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore – fair enough I suppose but I just didn’t see it coming.
Call me a suspicious female if you like but I became aware within a fortnight that he had a new girlfriend and as we hadn’t been living together (he didn’t do “babylon”) I couldn’t tell if there had been an overlap.
However, we remained close friends as we have mutual friends and continued to do most of the same things together; a difference being if he slept over in the village it would be at the chaps’ places not mine.
That relationship of his didn’t last, a shame for him as she was lovely and last Summer he started seeing someone else and has moved away to be nearer her and consequently our paths rarely if ever crossed.
I ‘phoned him a few months ago (I can’t recall why now) only for him to tell me that his taking the call was an absolute exception and that his new girlfriend had forbidden contact with me. His birthday wishes from me did not go unacknowledged but that has been it.
I’d come to terms we weren’t lovers any more a long time ago but to lose a what I thought was a dear, close friend so suddenly felt like a bereavement.
I really don’t know if this argues for or against remaining friends but it would seem to suggest that new partners should get some say in it, this being the case I would most definitely recommend a compromise.
55
lis
30 January 2011 03:51
Going through this right now, ex left me (without telling me he was going) after several years for another girl. 5 months later has turned up to collect something and wants to be friends meeting once a week for coffee(“dont tell anyone about us being friends”) I had not missed him and was content for the past 3 months.But now I have such pain and feel rejection which I didnt have during Zero contact.I feel like emailing his new girl.
56
marie
13 February 2011 17:32
I understand what,s been said. my ex walked out on me a year gone fri after 5 years even though we were to be married in the July, he was struggling coming to terms with a berievment but he started dating someone the same night from the pub we frequented and married her 28 weeks later. we have tried to stay friends but it’s to painful. He fills me with what I want to hear so it doesn’t allow me to move on, it’s as though he doesn’t want me meet anybody else.
57
hanz
25 February 2011 10:34
i guess if someone is never really your partner they can never really be an X
just a thought
58
steve
15 March 2011 01:14
I think that ‘should’ (or shouldn’t) is a dangerous, and often misplaced word.
These kinds of constructed obligations from ‘experts’ are a considerable source of unhappiness. You are better off with using your own judgement.
59
Ana
14 April 2011 17:34
Well said, Steve. Everyone’s situation is different. The article is good enough and actually to all those who are getting so heated up about their children and how such advice is unacceptable, the article does indeed state that too, so keep your cool please and be happy you have those children. Absolutely though no one is in the right place to tell others what they should or should not do. Absolutely, use your own judgement.
60
Ana
14 April 2011 17:36
Ah, with that, I just realised I have fallen for it too….please forgive: I just wanted to make the point that we jave judgement for good reason
61
andy
24 May 2011 18:25
points 1 and 2 pretty much apply to me at the moment, i met up with an old friend who i fancied years ago but lost touch, she split with her lover/friend of 18 months sadly just 4 days before we met up, we chatted about it and she said she wouldnt stop going out with her friends and that this guy was just a mate now,she thinks i dont like him but its the fact i know how she felt about him before he dumped her, points 1 and 2 above stand tall with me because i explained that she wouldnt be able to accept the “just friends” after such a long time together and a short time apart, they went out just a couple of weeks later and now this is stopping me from taking things further, she adament he just a frind but has his photos around her home which i feel will stop her moving on, i know she texts him regularly but as we not partners i have no say who she talks to, my defences are now about halfway and i fear a fall will come to me
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Claire
30 May 2011 13:43
It’s tough, but I think (assuming no kids involved) cold turkey is the best way to go.
I deleted my ex’s number right away – because whenever anything made me smile or laugh, my first instinct is still to call or text and share it with him.
Loving someone is a difficult habit to get over and I think you need time and distance to break it.
Maybe after a year-or-so, we can catch up over coffee…
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andy
1 June 2011 00:42
guess cold turkey would be tough but i have forgave her twice relating to teasing me about other fellas and only sunday she told me after a beer that she not over her ex, even though we been sooo close for last 6 months, this hurt too because she could have told me before she had beer, everything has changed now and i have backed off noticably and now she calls me alot…..i cant win, dont want to lose her as a friend but dont want this hurt she causes me to continue, nothing else to do now then
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Jaclyn
27 July 2011 14:10
Me and my fiance of almost 11 years are going through seperation now. It was me that ended it as I wanted to have a family and he’s not able to make it happen and I don’t want to regret never having a family. He is 21 years older than me. We have both said that we would like to stay friends as we’ve always got on really well together.
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Ann
14 August 2011 11:55
Intereting read with a lot of good points.My Ex split up with me 2 1/2 years ago but wanted to stay friends.Back then I agreed but now I don’t think I can as it hurts me too much after all I went through for him to move our relationship forward for what he said he wanted.Seems to me I was working hard to create a great life for us but getting hardly anthing in return when I needed it the most.In the end I didn’t just lose a partnership I also lost a lot of friends because of his cowardly attitude.