28 February 2012
Post break-up spring clean
by eHarmony
Break-ups can be agonisingly painful, but it’s what you do after the dust has settled that will predict how you deal with it. Here’s how to spring clean your life after the door closes.
Once a relationship is truly over, it’s time to move on, but that is much easier said than done. You will most likely be suffering hurt that the relationship has ended, have lots of questions about how that happened, and on a practical level you’ll have to start rebuilding your life. On the upside, time really does heal, but you’ll need a plan in place to help that process.
Spring clean (literally)
Moving on will be made almost impossible if you’re surrounded with pictures and reminders of your ex. If you can’t bear to chuck them out – and bearing in mind one day you may simply be able to look on them as fond memories – then stash them away somewhere you rarely look. If you have everyday objects like glasses that you used to drink out of that remind you of your ex, buy a new set of glasses. This isn’t a complete solution, but removing these reminders will help.
Forgive then forget
Clinging onto your hatred or regret over your relationship will only hold you back. Forgive your ex, and yourself, for the end of the relationship, and then forget the bad part. Don’t tell yourself that a failed relationship means you’re a failure, these things just happen, as hard as that is. You were courageous enough to choose love, and you will be worthy of love again. If you don’t respect yourself then why should anyone else have any respect for you? Take time out to really appreciate yourself again, before thinking about moving on.
Keep your distance
Post break-up, both you and your ex need some time apart. Even if you’ve decided to be friends, you need to sort your heads out before you’ll be ready to make the shift to a platonic relationship. Depending on the reasons why you broke up, it may be far too easy to slip back into ‘relationship’ mode if you are in touch too soon. Time apart includes, but isn’t limited to, not meeting up, no phone calls, no texts, no emails and absolutely no sex. You also need to be prepared for the fact that as good as your intentions are, you may never be able to be friends.
Fill your diary
In a relationship, for better or worse, people often change. Your hobbies or favourite activities may fall to the wayside to make room for the new person in your life. But, once you’re single it’s time to reclaim that individuality. Whether you want to take up badminton again, or you’ve always wanted to do a language course, post break-up is the ideal time. It will keep you busy, and hold back some of those negative thought patterns you could get trapped in. Essentially, anything that stops you from staring into space and thinking about the ‘good old days’ is a positive thing.
There’s no magic spell, or magic pill that will make your heartache disappear. However, with some time, and a good support network, you’ll find that the pain gets a bit easier to bear. These tips are a good start to opening a new chapter of your life, and you’ll soon find spring is just around the corner.
1
Richard
11 March 2012 13:10
I broke up with my last girlfriend about 8 months ago and I felt very bitter about it as the ‘L’ word was quite prominent in the relationship and when we broke up she advised me that we were “Too different” for the relationship to continue. As you could imagine, I was very hurt as I had no idea what this meant and as far as I was concerned I had acted honourably, lovingly and was very attentive.
I deleted all pics of her and unfriended her on Facebook and just had a few items left which she’d given me; expensive sunglasses and aftershave. She did text me a few times and now and again I did reply, one time suggesting that we meet for a drink, but after sleeping on it I decided against it and cancelled.
Two months later she contacted me again and suggested that we meet up. She was single again, but I told myself that there was no chance of a relationship with her again as I still had some trust issues with her. We met and it was like old times, we had a really good laugh and now we meet about twice a month for a drink and to go see local bands. She has told me that a relationship between us is very unlikley, which is good as I now know where I stand. However I am still a little bit in love with her, but I can control it. She now has a new man and things seem to be going well for her. I just need to find a ‘significant other’ now and I’ll be happy.
2
Mark
21 April 2012 01:21
You’re kidding yourself Richard mate. You can’t be “a little bit in love” I think you are secretly living in hope, a false hope. This friendship will only perpetuate the pain. Let her go. I’ve been there, saying au revoire once a month with a part of me secretly wishing it was goodbye so the hurt wouldn’t be repeated all over again next time…. “She doesn’t want me. I’m second best. I’ll find somebody who really cares” Move on Mate.
3
Derek
10 May 2012 16:54
Yes, I agree with Mark. Also, separate ‘relationship’ from ‘I’ll be happy’. You need to be happy FIRST, then you can have a proper relationship. Only two whole people can relate wholly. Relying on someone else to ‘make’ you happy is mere dependency.
Find yourself, then you’ll find someone else.