16 April 2012
Is it OK to check up on your partner?
by eHarmony
Before the technological revolution checking up on your partner would usually involve quizzing them about where they had been, reading their letters or, in some old movies, following them to see if they were having a romantic rendezvous with someone else. In the age of social networking it is much easier to check up on someone, but is it ok?
Relationships build over time as we get to know people. Some people are very open and reveal a lot about themselves straight away while others are a bit more of a closed book – harder to read and liable to frustrate someone who is eager to know more. There are also times when nagging doubts keep arising which don’t seem to go no matter how much you talk to your partner and it can be tempting to find other ways of getting the information you want e.g. whether they are still in touch with their ex, where they were on Tuesday night etc. However valid and understandable your reasons, is it ever ok to check up on someone?
Trust
Trust is the foundation of healthy relationships. Some people approach relationships believing you start off with 100% trust and it only diminishes if something happens to break that trust. The other approach is to start off with little or no trust and it is built over time as a person earns it. Wherever the starting point trust can be earned and it can be lost through the actions of the other person.
How easy you find it to trust someone will be greatly affected by your past experiences. If you have been hurt or let down in the past you might find it very hard to trust again. The most common reason for someone to start checking up on their partner is because they feel insecure themselves. This may be as a result of a past experience or due to low self esteem. Whatever the reason the truth is they are checking up on their partner because they want to feel secure but the very act of doing it is likely to make the relationship insecure.
Collecting evidence
If you feel unsure of your partner’s commitment, affection or truthfulness and you start checking up on them the chances are that you will find things that justify your feelings of insecurity simply because that is what you are looking for. You may find seemingly unrelated, innocent events and weave them together as proof simply because it is human nature to want to solve the puzzle. Paranoia may seem like a strong word but this type of behaviour is certainly a misuse of imagination and is likely to make you feel even more insecure. Remember, what you think about you bring about.
Ways people check up on their partners
- Social media – this is now the most common way that people keep in touch with their partners. Checking someone’s status or seeing when they are online etc are perfectly acceptable behaviours. It only becomes potentially damaging to the relationship if you are hiding it from your partner or feel bad about what you are doing because deep down you know your partner would be unhappy about it. What people put on social networks is there because they are happy for it to be public knowledge but sometimes people find themselves logging into their partner’s facebook account or watching their activity on Twitter without letting on that they are doing it – that is the point at which it stops being ok.
- Checking phone messages – Most people have a mobile phone that beeps and flashes with messages all day long. Sometimes the messages may make your partner happy, sometimes not, but whenever one comes through it can be tempting to ask who it is from and what it says. It is natural to want to be part of someone’s life and to progressively become more involved in their private world but it becomes a problem when you find yourself picking up their phone and checking the messages yourself when they are out of the room. Never tamper with your partner’s phone – it is private property – and don’t read their messages unless they invite you to do so. It is not ok. This also applies to emails and instant messaging, it is like reading their diary and could give them a valid reason to end the relationship.
How would you feel?
The best way to make sure you are not crossing the line is to ask yourself how you would feel if your partner was checking up on you? If you believe you have genuine reasons to not trust someone then maybe the relationship isn’t the right one for you. Remember people who are secure in themselves and in the relationship have no need to check up on their partner.
1
Joan
24 April 2012 14:38
I am afraid I do not agree with this perspective. In my several relationships (I’m quite old, so I’m allowed to have had a few!) I’ve been both the trusted and the mis-trusted and the cheat and the faithful one… Every circumstance is different and some bring out the worst in you, while others bring out the best. I had a husband who would lie on the floor upstairs to listen through the ceiling if I had a male friend to visit – the same husband used to cruise up and down the high street if I was taking a long time shopping… His previous wife was constantly suspicious that HE was playing away – I just found him irritating! On the other hand my current live-in partner has twice had relationships with other women since I’ve known him (and lied about it) and I only just narrowly steered him off course for a third time when I read an email sent to him telling him to bring condoms… basically I don’t trust him out of my sight! But I haven’t changed and I do not have “issues” with self-esteem. I’m very confident and some say, attractive, and I have been the same woman in all my relationships, different partners just require different treatment! I shall continue to monitor my partner’s emails until I no longer feel suspicious. I know he wants to stay with me long-term, he just likes to prove he still has pulling power – in that respect, it’s he who has issues, not me!
2
Caoimhe
13 May 2012 11:40
I totally disagree with this ridiculous article. Yes in an ideal world your partner would be trustworthy and if there were suspicions you would talk it through and both parties would be honest and open. Give me a break!
What if you end up in a relationship like mine?! Let me paint a picture.
Loving, open, honest, partner adores you, people comment frequently on how much he loves you. 9 weeks before you’re due to get married you feel something’s up. Weird behaviour, nothing you can pinpoint exactly just something’s off. You have a feeling there’s something weird with a girl from work. You ask and you ask and you ask and you ask and you ask….denies, denies, denies and you feel like you’re crazy. Still feeling persists. Finally you check the phone and no messages from this girl he’s friends with in work. None at all. Know they’ve been texting so have obviously all been wiped. Can’t sleep – know something’s up. So you get out of bed and download software to retrieve his deleted messages. Find hundreds to and from this girl. They include such gems as ‘Today was amazing. Wish I could —- you all over again right now.’ ‘Wish you were on the couch with me right now. Would love to be ——- you right now’ (and yes for anyone who’s wondering that was our couch in our home they —— on). This was now 7 weeks before our wedding. I had trusted my partner completely until all of a sudden I felt he couldn’t be trusted. Am very glad i checked his messages. yes it was absolutely devastating but if i hadn’t, I’d be married to this pig right now.
3
Lyn
13 May 2012 11:43
I trusted my ex-husband. I believed 100% he would never cheat on me. It was HIS brother’s wife who told me to go through his stuff. Our relationship was having problems, he refused counseling, and we weren’t having sex as much as we used to. I went through his stuff, but anticipated telling my sis-in-law that she was wrong. She wasn’t. Looking back, the signs were there, but I didn’t recognize them until after. He’d been cheating on me for ages & even gave me an STD at one point (I wasn’t educated then & didn’t realize it was an STD until years later.) If I had not checked through his stuff, I would never found out he was cheating & I would have stayed in that unhealthy marriage.
I think to routinely go through a partners personal stuff isn’t right, but when there are signs that something is off and we are being impacted by it, we are entitled. Don’t assume talking through things helps either. He refused the counseling because the counselor said my then-husband needed anger management classes.
I am much happier without him & I would never have reached that point if I had not searched through his stuff.
4
vickiw
13 May 2012 15:34
I am amazed that this article doesn’t mention the very real need to check a partner’s history for sexist/domestic violence. 1 in 3 girls and women are assaulted by males in their family, partners or peer group … and 3 women a week are killed as a result of sexist violence … surely its common sense to check a partner’s history, particularly with so many men using sexist and violent material on internet porn sites. Think your article is quite irresponsible really to your female membership.
5
A
13 May 2012 18:32
Disagree entirely. I’ve been on dates with individuals who have misrepresented who they are–up to using a fake name on eH. I’ve also met people online who would have been a conflict of interest for me to date. I check on my dates BEFORE I meet them, for my personal security and to ensure that if/when we decide to meet in person, I’m as sure as I can be that the person in front of me is who they say they are; and so that I know that the encounter will not have any negative professional repercussions. This checking-up is in no way related to a self esteem issue or trust–rather to my need to ensure my own security and the discretion of my dates.
6
Karen
13 May 2012 20:47
Like Joan, I disagree with the author of this article: checking up on a partner does not necessarily mean you are insecure! Indeed, it can be a practical and empowered response to your ‘inner wisdom’ telling you that your partner is being less than honest. We are often quick to believe the person with doubts must be insecure when in fact the finger should more rightly be pointed at the person who is causing the doubts! The only time I have ever doubted / checked up on someone, I was so glad that I did – my intuition had been spot on! In other relationships, I have had no “insecurities” – because my partner has been completely trustworthy and I suppose I have sensed that. I’m sure there are a few people who are insecure due to their own self-esteem issues but many more who are simply guided by their very good sense that their partner is playing around. If they take the initiative to check up on their partner, that should not reflect badly on THEM!
7
thepeacehappiness
14 May 2012 09:22
well this is not very good advice, people need to look for someone that has these qualities – integrity loyalty trust and you need to like each other before you commit that is the best insurance against cheating you can find.
8
Dan
14 May 2012 10:08
To me this is plain obvious. Are there really people out there that need to be told where the line is? It’s a shame if that’s so.
9
Karen
14 May 2012 18:07
Can we have a response from eharmony please given the strong response this article seems to have caused? There are some very valid points here e.g that checking up on someone is about personal security, about not being taken for a fool etc etc. It is, at best, offensive and, at worst, irresponsible for eharmony to suggest that “people who are secure in themselves…have no need to check up on their partner”.
10
thepeacehappiness
16 May 2012 00:26
this article is a typical half-truth you find these days. if you have some suspicions then its perfectly justified to do some further digging to find out more, it has nothing to do with being secure or not. i was datig this girl and she told me she wasnt seeing anyone else after we became exclusive and that there were not exes in lurking in the background then i saw in the middle of the night messages arriving from someone called julian, we had a discussion she said he was just an old friend from work, i did futher digging and found out they were f-ing and i dumed her before she wrecked my life, i am happily single again so there you go…
11
Francis
20 May 2012 13:54
I think the article has been misunderstood. The people who have commented and have very strong feelings about this issue do so because they have had a feeling that all is not well in their relationship and when they have dug a bit further they have been proved right – their instinct was spot on.
The article says “If you believe you have genuine reasons to not trust someone then maybe the relationship isn’t the right one for you” and that means trust those instincts – don’t ignore them.
I think the article is trying to address whether it is OK as a matter of course to check up on a partner and the answer surely should be no – we are all entitled to our privacy and the right to reveal things about ourselves when we are ready – just because you date someone doesn’t give them a right to go through your stuff and that includes emails and text messages.
I think the point about checking up on someone being the very thing that could make a relationship insecure is a very important point – there has to be a line somewhere. The cases mentioned were cases where someone was cheating – what about people who have been completely truthful and upfront and had someone mistrusting them for no reason and checking through their stuff – is that ok?
I totally agree with comment 5 check out someones credentials before you meet them and if you feel something is off, and you are a normally trusting person, then go with your gut.
This article is trying to put some guidelines down for what is essentially a very emotive issue and I totally agree with the sentiment that you shouldn’t do anything that you wouldn’t want done to you. It is never ok for someone to be cheating lying or misrepresenting themselves and it is great that they have been found out and suffered the consequences of their actions but what about those people who are doing nothing wrong – is it ok to check up on everyone?
12
donnacd
21 May 2012 23:23
I really feel that most of the comments on here are typical examples of the ends justifying the means and therefore checking up is considered ok. But is it? What happens if the ends are not what is expected? If during checking up, reading emails, diaries, text, contacting friends etc nothing s found? Is all that searching then kept secret? And how would one feel if in a couple of years time heading toward the aisle you discovered that the person you loved had earlier downloaded software to unblock your phone and reload text you had deleted! Is that even legal? The idea of someone invading my privacy to that level is horrific.
Of course it is necessary if you have any doubts about a prospective date/partner to have a check to make sure they are who they say they are, however that is not what this piece addresses. It asks is it ok to check up on your partner. Not prospective partner. There is no caveat (if you suspect your partner)and therefore it is my belief that the piece is about insecurity and paranoia. Of course if you have lost trust or are suspicious then perhaps checking up is indeed a necessity.
But in all of this there is a bigger question. After checking your partners text, diary, emails, etc and finding nothing incriminating but some interesting stuff, what do you do with that information? You keep your dishonesty to yourself? You live with the secret you have created? hardly a sound basis to build a future. Of course there are people like Jane who clearly, given the open relationship she has with her partner, are full of self confidence, but I suspect the majority who do check up on their partners are more like Caoimhe a woman who has clearly been hurt in the past and had a narrow escape and seems prepared to go to any length to find out about someone without their knowledge, ( A very dangerous game to play).
It would appear that vickiw unfortunately completely misread what was being expressed here.
As with most articles on these sort of forums it is about as much how it is interpreted as what has been written, but it would be easier to follow if people commented on the article that has been written rather than the one they imagined.
Overall the general high standard of the advice given in these pieces far outweighs any criticism I may have.
Long may they continue.
13
Sue
22 May 2012 11:21
I was a domestic violence worker and I have encountered so many relationships that were absuive with violence, controlling , blaming,and distorting the facts. (physical, mental, social, financial, having an affair, marital rape). I totally agree that we need to be cautious as sometimes the consequence is life and death. Like sexual assault crimes, many violence crimes are comitted by the victims’s partner or ex-partner- not a stranger !!
Unfortunately, the mass media doesn’t often name it as ‘domestic abuse and violence’and it is the main reason why the severity of the problem is under-estimated.
Some common characteristics of a perpetrator is- they would actively..I mean very active… project an image of being a nice person and actively seek a soft partner.99.9% of perp have no insight of their absuive mindset.They always blame on their difficult childhood, mental health, stress, alcohol influnece, etc.to justify their abusive and controlling behaviour. If their previous relationships went wrong, they would make sure their ex-partners were the ones to be blamed.If you get to know them, you will notice what they said is inconsistent to what they did.
I can share with you that I did know some perpetrators they are teachers, social workers, police officers, university professors, committed church members, award-winning volunteers. You can’t tell just by the info they provide online.
14
Jason
2 June 2012 10:30
I think it is interesting that the general response from the ladies is that this article is rubbish etc..
As a man of some experience, who is trustworthy there are many women who conduct themselves in this manner. Of which I have endured.
Is it more about a woman’s insecurity?..
Hence their opposition to the article.
15
Enigma Code
8 June 2012 05:49
Disagree with this article entirely. I have already come across my ex on here who has a history of domestic violence and severe drink problems. Although he lives in the same house he has put he is living in the next town.
For safety purposes I always check out a new date if they are a real person by going through 192.com or tracemart – that also tells me who else is living in the house… I’ve found a few married men on the dating scene… I just wish I could do a criminal record check before meeting them.
As for checking up on them when you are in a relationship, well gut instinct has told me to go rooting and I’ve always found the truth – defrauded accounts, credit card statements with spends that wasn’t on me, details of other women…
Some men have stated that its about women’s insecurity, no it isn’t, we are very secure, its men’s behaviour that makes you check up at times, if you weren’t being dishonest in the relationship then we wouldn’t be looking.
16
Joey
5 April 2013 13:33
Yes it is.
Turned out her ex B/F was more than just a “really good friend” after all.