30 October 2012
6 secrets to a great long distance relationship
by Fran Creffield
Long distance relationships aren’t always easy but what's the best way of making them work?
Traditionally long distance relationships have been unlikely to last beyond 6 months, but in the age of the internet, Skype and mobile phones they have more chance than ever of being successful. The challenges facing people engaged in a long-distance relationship are unique. It can take more careful planning, time and attention than a traditional relationship but if you are both committed to making it work there is no reason why it can’t be just as fulfilling and satisfying as any other relationship. To give your long distance relationship the very best chance of success here are our top 6 secrets.
1. Creating clear parameters
Early on you both need to decide where you would both like this relationship to go. This will happen in a traditional relationship but there isn’t the same urgency. If you are going to invest time and effort in keeping in contact; money travelling to visit each other and emotional energy in establishing a bond over a distance you want to know early on that you are both heading in the same direction. Are you going to give it 6 months of you both giving it your very best shot and then get together to review how it is going? Are you working towards living together one day? Do you know what level of commitment the other person wants from you and whether you can give it?
You don’t need to make all these decisions straight away but you do need to both have the ability to say what you want and need and articulate how you are feeling as the relationship goes on.
2. Keeping regular contact
In order to make a long distance relationship work you need daily contact so that you become part of each other’s daily lives. This is easier than it used to be with the internet and Skype – no more huge phone bills!
Talk on the phone or online; write emails; send love letters; Skype or instant message – it is all great for your developing relationship but even the most talkative of people might run out of things to say. Try doing things together – watch a film at the same time and then talk about it; play Scrabble, chess or some other online game; learn a language together and then practice your skills while planning a trip to that country – there are no end of things you can engage together in online which will give you plenty to talk about every day and deepen your bond and connection with each other.
3. Have face to face contact – as much as possible
Although you can develop a great virtual relationship it is really important that you set regular dates to meet up and see each other face to face. The physical contact of your partner is the glue that binds all the other things together – the smell of their skin; the touch of their hand; the kisses that say more than words ever could – it is vital to the success of the relationship that these meetings happen. When one visit has ended plan the next so you both have something to look forward to.
4. Develop trust
Trust is the cornerstone of all healthy and lasting relationships but it is particularly important when it comes to long distance relationships – there is so much distance between you it is easy to become insecure or unsure about your partner’s commitment. This is why having clear parameters and daily contact is so important. It’s unrealistic to think that you won’t both get insecure at different times but if you are in daily contact you will be able to talk about how you are feeling rather than having days or weeks feeling unsure and insecure.
5. Nurture security
Feeling secure in a relationship comes from being really clear with each other about what is happening and where you are going. Firm plans, definite times arranged when you will meet online; a willingness to talk about the future and, most importantly, an agreement that if it isn’t working you will tell each other – all of these things will create the security you need in order for your relationship to survive and thrive.
6. Have an attitude of gratitude
Many long distance relationships don’t survive because the distance between them becomes a painful experience and when the couple talk it is about how awful it is that they can’t be together, how much they miss each other and how difficult it all is. Watching your partner suffer emotional pain is horrible and will lead some people to conclude it is better to finish it rather than prolong the agony.
When you talk try to focus on what is great about your relationship and although it will be painful at times don’t wallow in it or you might risk losing them altogether.
1
Aila
10 November 2012 23:43
Thank You for that post,in fact if both don’t make an effort to communicate,it’s really impossible to get together in the future.The Emails always give us a light idea about the match personality,Most of my friends never accept long distance relationship because of the superficial communication.I’m trying my best to let him know me better but unfortunately I find him very scattered by Email,Never answer my questions and doubts and also too much jokes due his sarcastic humor.Probably He isn’t the right one for me….
(
2
David
15 November 2012 19:34
For Aila,
I am emailing someone some distance away from me. We have, after initial polite emails started to open up to each other in ways I could never have imagined possible through this medium, and the response from both of us has been very positive. I have every reason to think we will eventually meet, may be just once, but we both are getting to the point where we know we want to at least do that, so don’t give up on the idea of a long distance relationship, but it does sound as if this chap is not going to give you the respect you deserve, so Best wishes to you.
3
Katie
16 November 2012 16:30
An excellent article and agree with most of it. However, there are those who are more than happy to communicate by email but not moving too quickly into more personal communications such as a phone call. One might even think that he is not really interested so why do we keep in touch? I have been communicating with someone for almost two months and really would love to chat but somehow any hints of that are not reciprocated. What one can think of the reasons for such ‘remote’ approach… I almost dare to think about it… Sadly.
4
Andy
17 November 2012 18:14
Katie…just from my own personal perspective…some guys, me included are just utterly useless when speaking on the telephone…it’s scary…there are no real silences via email, or text or instant messenger, but with phone calls, if you run out of things to say, or you brain’s not functioning quick enough to keep, you can have those silences, which at the beginning of a relationship are scary, particularly if he really likes you! So, my advice is that it could be as you say, or it could be that he really likes you and doesn’t want to put you off!! Just give the guy a call
Best wishes!
5
Annie Philip
18 November 2012 10:33
A fantastic article and so balanced and for me so true. I have experienced a long distance relationship in the past that resulted in us setting up home together in a new location and enjoying a number of years together. I’ve just embarked on another LDR (4 months) and for many of the reasons above I’m finding the time apart quite challenging although the times together full of promise. A review after 6 months I feel is a useful checkpoint to see if we both feel it’s worth the investment. In an ideal world I would definitely prefer that we lived closer. Que sera sera ….
6
Katie
24 November 2012 15:45
Andy… thank you kindly for the encouragement, I think you are absolutely correct in the above ‘observations’. We all get a little ‘shy’ at first but I am not too bad at diffusing the initial tensions
So, I am just hoping to get the chance.. All the best to you too!
7
Jayne
3 January 2013 10:25
Great article and something that has been dear to my heart. My partner and I lived 120 miles apart but only a 2 hour drive up the M5! We emailed and texted frequently at first but within 5 days we were talking on the phone regularly, getting to know each other. Within 4 weeks we had met and were honest with the amount of time we would be able to see each other, what with my work and childcare commitments and his work commitment, we had to be honest and up front and we made it work. We were together for 18 months and it suited our relationship and our emotions. Obviously this doesn’t suit everyone, but the time we spent together was precious and we made it work.
8
janet
21 January 2013 10:30
I will try the pis, I hope it can make my relationship long lasting. thank you.
9
David amos
3 February 2013 13:10
Very interesting article n true.i realy need ur help guys.am in a lng dstance relatnshp with ds gurl,its been 3mnths now tht i av pretended to acept the fact that i cant set my eyes on her.before going into the relatnshp,the purpose was clear and i never for once believed in a long distance relationship bt here i am with ths gurl who took me unaware n now thngs are jes sour.no mre calls frm her,no mre emails nt even a text.shld i cntinue or jes quit?
10
Steve
26 March 2013 12:29
I’ve done a long distance relationship before, and never again!
It’s too much strain and stress. Not saying it can’t work but I think more often than not they fail. Also, if you are going to have an LDR then really you need to both know that if it continues then at some point it will change and one or both of you will move closer together. It can’t stay long distance forever.
To be honest, if a match is more than an hour’s drive away from me then it’s going to be a pain to see her regularly, and that’s what I’d want: regular dates and getting together to get to know each other, not just on weekends or once in a while.
11
bubu
27 March 2013 22:00
Im sure a lot of you will b quite surprised when I say that Ive been in a ldr for almost 6 years now.Yes it surprises me too. The fact is we both truely love each other. We have our share of problems and il let u sometimes its pretty bad , but somehow we seem to be able to overcome the hardest of problems. Looking back at all those years Ive realised how my life hasnt changed much since then. Evryday is almost the same routine. I dont know how weve managed to come this far. But I dont ever want to lose her and that is how I reached this page. Thanks for some of the tips but I really need something more. Anyone? Good luck to all of ya in a long distance relationship .
12
Khloe
14 April 2013 08:24
this is awesome article and helped so much who ohave a LDR relationship. thanks for publiching this. i am in a LDR now for almost 10months, we kept on communicating each other everyday, but sometimes i really feel so hard on my part that when i need him he is not around. we know we love each other but sometimes theirs something missing, absolutely i can say that i am also insecure, lack of self confidence , jealous, but i trust him and love him so much. im proud of him because he is really a great man i know, and now we survived,. To all men who are in this relationship,a peace of advice:, one big thing that your partner wants is an assurance that you will love her no matter what and how miles you were apart and dream together for the future
. be blessed everyone.
13
xtian
14 April 2013 08:35
nice article, i have a gf now for almost 2 years, we are in LDR for so long, she is lack of confidence too, insecure sometimes, she has lots of afraid of. but i understand her because of her past childhood. i love her so much. and i wanna marry her. shes my dream girl, Any help how can i make her change about her insecurities.?
14
Mike Scarhs
14 April 2013 08:47
hi xtian,
a peace of advice, all you have to do is stay with her, appreciate all she did, always tell her that you love her,tell her that you accept her whatever she was in the past.COMFORT is a big thing for helping and giving her a self confidence. tell her your plan, let her know about what you are in mind like looking up growing old with her, be thoughtful man, i assure you it will worked, if you really loved her let her know be honest to her. it was proven and tested by me. i am now happily married to a filipina women. im proud to say that because they she very sweet and loving and most specially caring. i will tell you a short story, she is jealous and moody before, and i ask my wife why is she get jealous when we were far, he answered me, “because i am afraid to lose you” that is a very sweet thought that i hear for the rest of my life.
all the best Guys.
-Mike-
UK
15
Lia
12 May 2013 11:19
Hi. Thanks for writing this article. Long distance can work. I’ve proven that already.I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He’s in Australia while I’m here in Singapore working as nurse. We talk everyday through viber,skype, facebook.they offer free text and call anyway. For us, it’s important to stay in touch no matter how nonsense we think the conversation is . We both have a goal to be together in the future, he’s saving up for a house so I could move to his country next year. Whenever I feel insecure or have doubts i open it up to him, and he’ll talk to me and make me feel better. We exchange pictures, etc and don’t feel the distance at all. It’s not easy but just stay positive and don’t let the negativity drain you
16
Doubtful
10 June 2013 13:39
I am just going to repeat what everyone had said; this is an interesting article, and insightful as well.
I have been seeing this man for just over a year and three months back he told me he found a job in a different country. I lived in denial for as long as I could and conveniently forgot all about his impending departure.
I have fallen in love with him and when I spoke with him about it, he says he is unsure of if he can fall in love with me. At this juncture, he just likes me a lot. He is also unsure of if it is the fact that he will be leaving that is stopping him from falling in love with me. At the end of the talk, we both agreed that the only right thing to do is break up because he cannot handle LDRs.
When I got home, I just couldn’t stop thinking and found myself trying to find solutions to this issue as I didn’t want to let him go.
Hours later, I told him I cannot deal with this break up and that we should try to make this work. We should not just give up and to take his departure as an obstacle we can both face together.
He told me he knows how I feel and that he would think this through.
I don’t know if I am just setting myself up to get hurt but I felt that I needed to fight one last time.
If he decides to pursue this LDR with me, it will definitely be an uphill battle. I am scared that a break up down the line will be inevitable.
I found the 6 month checkpoint tip very helpful in ensuring our wants and goals for our relationship is still the same. This would also work as a deciding factor as to whether this relationship will work out or if its just a waste of time.
Keeping in touch will be extremely difficult because of the 6-hour timezone difference but I guess if two people work hard to keep this relationship alive, it will eventually work out… Hopefully.