The end of a relationship is never easy but when it happens straight after Christmas when many of us are already feeling a bit low it can be doubly hard.

Talk about what went wrong

It is important to realise that if you are experiencing a break up you are not alone and support is available from various relationship and counselling services. It can be enormously beneficial to talk through what happened with a neutral person as you will be able express your hurt and anger to someone who won’t be affected by it in the same way a family member or friend might be.

Understanding what happened

Before you will be able to fully let go of the relationship you need to understand what happened. As tempting as it can be to place all the blame on the other person it won’t really help you to really learn and grow from the experience. Look back over the whole period and see if you can pinpoint the times when you could have done or said something that would have changed the outcome. Were you going along with things you were uncomfortable with? Were you being honest about what you wanted and needed? Were there already cracks in the relationship and the pressure of Christmas proved too much?

This isn’t about apportioning blame but about seeing your part so you understand what you could do differently in the future.

Expectations

Often relationships struggle at this time of year because people feel disillusioned. They may have had high expectations of what Christmas with their partner was going to be like, especially if it was their first Christmas together, but reality hasn’t lived up to their expectations.

Now is a good time to really look at the difference between what you were hoping for and what actually happened. Write it out if it helps. Did you have expectations of your partner in terms of gifts, time, attention and energy? Did they have expectations of you that you couldn’t fulfil? Did one or both of you try to pretend to be what the other one wanted by spending more money than you could really afford or going to places where you didn’t really want to be? Were you both trying to guess what the other one wanted or needed without actually communicating clearly?

Unsatisfied expectations are one of the primary causes for post Christmas break ups so it is important to understand yours and their foundations so that you don’t go into another Christmas feeling the same.

Was it because you drank too much?

Christmas is a time when even people who don’t drink very much the rest of the year have a tipple so it is common for alcohol to be at the root of any difficulties experienced around this time. However, if this isn’t the first time being drunk has got you into trouble it might be time to take a look at your drinking habits and get help if necessary.

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you have lost your partner because you were drunk. Not only do you have to deal with the hurt and sadness that accompany the end of the relationship but also the shame that occurs if you behaved inappropriately and that caused the break up. Add the fact that alcohol is a depressant and you will no doubt be feeling very low indeed. You can’t change the past but you can take steps to make sure that the situation is never repeated.

Have a time out

Often feelings are heightened around the festive period and things are done and said in the heat of the moment. If your relationship was going well prior to the holidays and you believe that you could both recover and move on from whatever has caused the break-up maybe suggest a time out. A few days apart will give hurt feelings a chance to settle and both of you a chance to reflect on what you want for your future.

Get back into your routine

As hard as it can be getting busy really is the best thing when you have been through a break up. Sitting around, dwelling on what happened and wishing things were different will only make you feel worse. Use the experience to help you learn about yourself and what you could do differently in the future and then, as far as you can, accept it is over.

Families can be a hotbed for resentments and difficult dynamics. When you are all together under one roof the danger is it can all come spilling out. Here are 12 seasonal suggestions to help you weather any festive family snowstorm.

1. Limit the time you are going to be there
It’s not natural for the whole family to be under the same roof from Christmas Eve until the New Year. Think carefully about how much time you would actually like to spend with them rather than how much time you feel you ought to. As soon as you start doing things because you ought to you may feel trapped and resentful.

2. Have plans outside the family
Make dates for over the Christmas period. It is often a good time to meet matches because people usually have some time off work and everywhere is very romantic with all the Christmas decorations around.

3. Avoid drinking too much
It’s not called the demon drink for nothing. Alcohol is the fuel for most family rows as inhibitions are loosened and people say all those things they’ve always wanted to say. People often drink too much to numb painful feelings but more often than not alcohol acts like a magnifying glass making everything bigger and worse than it was before.

4. Remember you can only control your own behaviour, no-one else’s
As tempting as it can be to try and control other people – especially if you can see exactly what needs to be done in order to keep the peace – the only person you really have any control over is yourself.

5. Change the script
Families often have patterns that are repeated every time they come together – there are roles such as the comedian, the victim, the hero, the black sheep etc. Without even realising it we are often drawn back into our old role. The good news is we don’t have to be. We can change the script just by being aware of what our old role was and acting differently.

6. Do something different
It doesn’t have to be anything monumental. Something simple like leaving a room when you feel uncomfortable; phoning a friend if you need to connect with someone outside the family or looking for the positive in everyone can completely change the family dynamic and make you feel more in control.

7. Give what you can – no more
A lot of family stress builds up because we give far more than we actually have available. This is true for time, money and energy. If you have broken the bank to buy presents you can’t afford, for people who don’t appear very appreciative that is a volcano waiting to erupt. The same is true of time and energy. There are no prizes for being a martyr and burning yourself out to put on the perfect spread. Often the pressure we experience is self-imposed, our family just want to see us, happy and relaxed.

8. Reflections
Laugh, smile, and tell a joke. If you go into Christmas dreading it the chances are it will be dreadful. Go in with a light, bright attitude and a genuine wish to make the best of the time with your family and you are much more likely to enjoy it.

9. Expectations
Let go of all expectations – of what you are going to get, what will happen and how it will be. Having no expectations makes you appreciate everything much more.

10. Be present
Let go of the past and all the other Christmas’ you have spent together. Stop trying to predict what is going to happen next, you can’t see into the future. Stay in your own head rather than trying to mind read other people. Keep checking in with yourself and when you stop having a good time do something to change it rather than sit there like a pressure cooker about to explode.

11. Show your appreciation
Make eye contact and say thank you. Give hugs and kisses and generally show your appreciation for every gift, card, kindness and bit of Christmas cheer you receive no matter who has given it. You will feel good about it even if you don’t like the present!

12. Have a stocking full of coping strategies
Use some of these suggestions and even though your family might still be exactly the same you will be different and so will your experience of Christmas.

Someone can look very compatible on paper and the first few dates may even go well encouraging you to think there is real potential but then something happens – or doesn’t happen – and we know that, for us, it’s a non-runner. Even if you have only met a few times it can be difficult to break the news to someone, no-one likes to hurt another person’s feelings. Here we suggest some ground rules to keep the damage to a minimum.

Be honest

This doesn’t mean just at the end but all the way through. If someone is jumping up and down thinking they have found the love of their life and you just aren’t feeling it, don’t pretend you are. It can be really tempting to keep seeing someone because they really like you; it’s flattering and you may be tempted to keep dating them until a better prospect comes along. This is unfair if you know in your heart that there is no future and at some point you will have to come clean.

This is not to say you should stop dating someone who doesn’t tick all your boxes right away. It is always good to keep an open mind and an open heart. Someone you don’t initially feel a huge attraction to can seem more attractive as you get to know them.

If, however, you feel that you have given it a fair chance and have come to the conclusion that this person is not for you tell them, face to face if possible. Avoid doing it by text, email or on a social media website, as although this can feel easier for you it is not very respectful to them. Tell them you have changed your mind and that you no longer wish to see them but show appreciation for the time and attention they have given you and wish them well in the future.

Don’t just disappear

This is the coward’s way out. As much of the communication with matches takes place online, it is easy to be lured into this opt out strategy. Don’t do it. It will make you feel bad about yourself and leave the person you were dating with a big space for insecurity and paranoia to grow in. Blocking messages, ignoring emails and texts and barring calls are not the way to give someone the message that you don’t want to see them again. They will get the message eventually but it will have damaged their trust in the dating process and left them with lots of unanswered questions and you will live with the uneasy feeling that you might bump into them somewhere.

Even if you don’t want to see someone again because they behaved in a way you found rude, aggressive or unacceptable and you think they deserve to be stone-walled it is still better to let them know the real reason for your decision as it will stop them barraging you with communication you then have to try and ignore. The chances are that their behaviour will get worse when being ignored, not better. If you feel uncomfortable about telling someone like this face to face because you are scared of their reaction do send a clear, assertive email and if it is a match you met on this website report any inappropriate behaviour to eHarmony.

Is it just a phase you are going through?

If you decide to tell someone it is all off make sure it really is. Getting to know someone takes time and attention and if other parts of your life are feeling particularly stressful it can feel as though you just don’t have the time or the energy to invest. Or it may be that you are facing illness, redundancy or other life problems which leave you feeling unattractive and as though you aren’t very good company. Before you make any big decision stop and ask yourself if everything else was going well would you want to continue seeing this person? If the answer is yes then take time to sit down with them and explain that they may not be getting the best of you at the moment but if they are happy to stick around things will hopefully improve.

The golden rule is to treat others as you would want to be treated yourself. Matches you meet online are real people with real feelings even if you never meet face to face. It is far better to be open and upfront if you have changed your mind than to keep on communicating with, or seeing, someone because you don’t know how to say no.

Happy healthy relationships happen when we connect with our partner on lots of different levels, and all of these levels are important. It is easy to talk about some but when it comes to the bedroom it can be more difficult. As with every other aspect of your relationship the physical side usually needs time and attention in order to develop into what both partners want it to be. Here we suggest a few ways to help make your physical union as satisfying and fulfilling as any other.

Humour

Let’s face it, real sex is quite funny, unlike the Hollywood sex we see on the big screen. Real human bodies wobble, squelch, flap and jiggle. Your time in the bedroom doesn’t have to be deadly serious; you can dress up, tease and explore each other. Even if you are naturally shy try to bring out your playful side and you will soon start to relax and feel more confident. Don’t feel you have to be physically perfect to get naked in front of your partner. If you are happy, comfortable and relaxed with your body they will be too. If their body is less than perfect bring love and acceptance to it and a good sense of humour and you are both sure to have lots of fun.

Communication

This really is the key to intimacy at every level. Talk to each other, say what you like and don’t like, show your appreciation if it is good and talk it through when it’s not.  Whatever you do don’t keep your feelings about your sex life to yourself – unless your partner knows what you want they can’t possibly give it to you. Great lovers aren’t made they are taught through feedback. Even if it all feels a bit clumsy and awkward at first it can, and will, get better over time if you keep the communication channels open. This includes non-verbal communication; moans of pleasure, sighs, allowing your body to move in a way that shows appreciation and pleasure are all great ways to let your partner know what you like.

Be sexy

Sexy is an attitude not a costume. By all means dress up for your partner if you like to but it isn’t necessary in order to feel sexy. Taking the lead and showing your partner that you want them more than anything else and can’t possibly wait another moment to get them to bed – that is sexy. All men enjoy it if their woman shows a bit of raunchy wantonness. Many women harbour fantasies about their man being cave-man like and whisking them off to the bedroom with no hint of uncertainty. We all want to be wanted. The unsexiest attitude is indifference so no matter what shape size or age you are let your partner know you want them and they are sure to return the compliment.

Trust

Trust is the foundation of every aspect of a healthy relationship. In our sex lives we are more vulnerable than at any other time so it is essential that we trust our partner implicitly. Don’t feel pressured to enter into a sexual relationship until you are completely ready, this applies no matter what age you are. If trust is there and you feel safe, loved, desired and appreciated then you will both feel less self-conscious and free to grow sexually together.

Time and attention

All too often sexual intimacy becomes an activity that occurs at the end of a busy day when you are tired and have other things on your mind. Hurried, tired or rushed sex is unlikely to lead to fulfilment for either of you. Set time aside where you turn the phone off, put some nice music and soft lights on and be together. It doesn’t have to be in the evening, any time will do as long as you both can be there without outside interference.

Many people on dating websites are coming to romance later in life and as such are no longer spring chickens. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t perform like you did when you were in your 20s if you are now in your 50s. Bodies change and age, we have children, illnesses and physical problems which can make the act of sex more difficult. Don’t let this stop you from enjoying each others bodies and finding a level of physical intimacy that is fulfilling for you both.

It can feel disheartening to keep meeting matches and turning them down because they don’t fit into the picture of your ideal mate. Sometimes they can look alright on paper and yet when you meet them there is just something missing. It can’t be that every single person is unsuitable; maybe a fulfilling, happy relationship could develop but should you ever settle rather than hold on?

History repeating itself
According to psychologists our ideas and expectations of a perfect partner begin forming when we are very young watching the relationships of the significant adults around us – usually our parents. We develop a picture of an ideal man or woman. If our parents were happy together when we are adults we may unconsciously begin a search for someone very like our parent of the opposite sex. If our parents were unhappy as children we probably developed ideas about what the other partner could, and should, be like in order to make mummy or daddy happy and later, in our adult relationships, we look for someone like that.

Unfortunately, if we are from an abusive or dysfunctional background we may be drawn to partners exhibiting the same behaviours in an unconscious desire to heal the past.
The trouble with these childhood visions of Mr or Mrs Right is they have often become outdated and we are being driven by unconscious processes. The key is to make your thinking conscious, write down what you are looking for in a partner and question yourself on every item on the list – how important is it? Look at successful relationships and friendships you have had in the past, what made them so good?

Don’t expect perfection
From a young age we are fed romantic images through stories, films, love songs and society and the media. Perfect boy meets perfect girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. Real life isn’t like that. In real life people are perfectly imperfect. Everyone has faults. Life has problems. Relationships are sometimes difficult as the stresses and strains of ordinary life – work – money – children – constantly challenge us to grow and learn together.

When we meet a match it may start off feeling and looking like a perfect romance but then, as we get to know them, we see their human frailties, begin to feel disillusioned and our interest wanes. It is actually at this point that real love has the chance to develop. In the early stages – the honeymoon period as it is often called – everything is exciting and new and our romantic fantasies are colouring our perception of our new mate. It is when reality comes into focus and you make that inner commitment to stick with someone knowing that they are not perfect that you really begin to love them and reap the rewards of that commitment. This isn’t settling, it is accepting that we are all human and worthy of love.

Changing your mind
If you believe you have ‘settled’ in a relationship this can brings about all sorts of other unhelpful assumptions which can stop the relationship from developing fully e.g. this person isn’t good enough for me – I deserve better – I’m only with them until something better comes along – I’m only with them because I would rather be with them than be on my own. Imagine if it were the other way round and you found out your partner had ‘settled’ for you, how would you feel?

The key to happy and lasting relationships is to give to your partner exactly what it is that you want to receive, relationships are often reflections. If you want someone to be loving, kind and generous, be those things yourself. If you want someone to be supportive and understanding ask them how their day was rather than judging them inwardly for not fulfilling your needs.

The greatest gift we are given is the ability to give and receive love and there isn’t anyone who is unworthy of that love. If you make the commitment to love someone it’s always better to do it fully than half heartedly because the wonderful feelings that love brings are as much in the giving as in the receiving – half a heart = half the rewards.

A lot of people who are on dating websites have been in long-term committed relationships before and depending on how, and why, their relationship ended the legacy that remains for a new partner will vary. All of them can be emotional hotspots so here are some areas to be aware of in the most common situations.

The deceased ex

In some ways this is the most difficult ex to deal with because there was no decision by either partner to end the relationship; if their partner hadn’t died they would probably still be together. As a new partner you are dealing with the memory of someone who was loved and lost. Sometimes when people die their loved one’s memory of them becomes idealised. This can make a new partner feel as though they are in competition with the ghost of a saint. If there are also children from the relationship the pressure on you to fill their shoes can make you feel inadequate and even jealous.

The important thing to remember in this situation is that you are dealing with grief. The deceased partner has gone forever and your new mate has chosen to be with you. This is a clear indication that they are ready to let go and move on with their life but that doesn’t mean they have finished grieving for the person they have lost. Be supportive and let them talk about their past when they need to. Try not to compare yourself with their old partner or ask them to compare you. If you feel that your new partner is still deeply distressed suggest they get some bereavement counselling. Most important of all be patient and talk to someone outside the relationship if you feel you need extra support yourself.

The angry ex

Many relationships don’t end well and when you come on the scene there could still be an old war raging which would be easy to get sucked into. You are naturally going to feel protective towards your partner but remember you are only hearing one side of the story and won’t ever really know the full history between them. Your role should be one of supportive ally to your partner. Love and support them. Give advice if they ask for it but don’t add to their difficulties by making it all about you.

The ex who is still a friend

Not all relationships end badly, sometimes people decide they aren’t suited as partners but remain good friends. If there are children involved it is obviously better for them if their parents aren’t at war but even without children there are many people who stay close even if it didn’t work out romantically for them.

The biggest problem for a new person coming into a setup like this is jealousy. You know they aren’t together now but they have been in the past and it can be hard to not feel a little bit jealous if they are still very close.

The impact on your relationship depends very much on how close friends they are. If your partner still has a deep emotional connection with their ex e.g. talking to them about everything, seeing them regularly, depending on them for support – this may make you feel that many of their needs for intimacy are already being met and you are unsure as to where you fit in. A friendship that is much lighter e.g. they are still on friendly terms at social gatherings, share some of the same social circle – may feel like far less of a threat but can still be very difficult.

In this situation it is best to talk things through as honestly as possible. You need to know your place and that any romantic feelings your partner had for their ex are well and truly in the past. Ask for some history. Who ended the relationship? Is your partner dating you hoping their friend will realise that they do want to be with them after all? Don’t be a pawn in anyone else’s game of love, if you suspect that this is the case, leave.

In all situations establish your new relationship before you try to deal with any ghosts from the past. Give yourself lots of time to get to know each other and to feel that there is a strong bond and commitment, for some couples this may be a few weeks for others a few months. You want to get to a position that when you meet the ex, or the kids, you are entering the situation as a couple. That will give you the confidence in your relationship to deal with any problems from past as you will be united rather than like a spare part in someone else’s life.

Christmas is a time when people often come under pressure of expectations from family and friends because of traditions that have often been in place for years. A new relationship will no doubt cause you to want to change your annual habits and here we suggest some ways of including your new love in your celebrations.

Think of the children

If one, or both, of you has young children this will obviously dictate how and where you spend your first Christmas. Christmas, although enjoyed by many adults, really is essentially about children. Most of us have happy childhood memories of waking up on Christmas morning wondering if Santa has been and would want all children to have similar memories. In order to do this careful negotiation may be required because if children are involved, exes usually are too. If they are around, the children’s other parent may also want to spend Christmas with their children which can make arrangements more complicated. The key to making it all work smoothly is communication. Talk to your partner, your ex, your kids – ask people what they want and do it early so everyone has time to get used to the idea.

It’s not just a day

There are actually 12 days of Christmas but in this country we tend to focus all our energies onto one. If you have lots of different people to take into consideration it may be time to lay aside some of your hard and fast traditions and create some new ones. Some families find a happy solution by splitting the festivities over the whole week so the kids spend time with each parent and see their grandparents and extended family at any time between Christmas Eve and New Years Eve.

If it seems that you and your new partner aren’t going to get much time together because of other commitments you can always choose a date that is your own Christmas day. There is no reason why you couldn’t have Christmas dinner, exchange presents, eat mince pies, watch a movie and pull a cracker on any other day. This could become a new tradition when you take some time out for just the two of you away from all the parties and tinsel. You can celebrate being together on any day.

Singing from the same song sheet

However complicated or simple your Christmas arrangements are it is essential that you take time away from preparations to talk to your new partner about how they feel about the whole thing. It is easy to get swept up in things and not realise that you never sat down and asked what they wanted and what you want together as a couple. Are they expecting you to go to their office party, meet their family for the first time or go to church at midnight? Make sure you both are clear about what is happening and what you can expect from each other in terms of time and attention.

It’s not like the adverts

Christmas is a real struggle for some people causing stress and bringing up feelings of loneliness and depression as reality rarely fits with the chocolate box image we are fed through the media. Struggling to achieve the ideal Christmas can bring unnecessary stress into your new relationship. Find the bits that you both value and enjoy and try to make time to do them together. There is no need to spend lots of money; time and attention are much more precious. If you can’t physically be together over the Christmas period still make an effort to put time aside to talk on the phone, Skype, email or even send a handwritten letter or parcel filled with Christmas treats. Christmas can be your own unique creation which you build together just like you decorate a tree. Add to it those things that you know will last and bring happiness to you both.

There are few things that taint the Christmas season more than getting a present from someone and not having anything for them; or getting a big lavish gift from your partner when you have just bought them a small, token one. These awkward situations arise because of unspoken expectations. When you are in a new relationship there is a danger that, having not shared a Christmas together before, you will not know what to expect. Here are some suggestions to help you through.

Ask questions

Now, when the shops are all tinselled up and laden down with Christmas faire, is a good time to start asking questions about Christmases gone by. What was your partner’s happiest Christmas? What presents have they really treasured? If they could have their ideal Christmas what would it be like? Not only will these lines of conversation bring you closer as you get to know more about each other but they will also give you valuable clues as to what is important to your partner in terms of gifts.

Santa or Scrooge

Some people love Christmas, the cards, presents, carols and all the paraphernalia – they see it as a time to put a lot of thought and effort into being with their loved ones and don’t mind the added expense it incurs. Others see the whole thing as a commercial, expensive, chore that starts in September and creates a lot of needless hype about what is, essentially, just another day. There are of course plenty of people who fall in the middle but knowing how your partner feels about Christmas in general will help you know the kind of presents they would appreciate most. This is especially important if you are radically different in your approaches, better to know early so you can find a place to meet in the middle.

It’s the thought that counts

Whether you have been together for a few weeks or most of 2011 you will have shared some happy times together. Take some time to think about them, flick through any photos you have taken and think about making a personal gift that has significance to your relationship. There are loads of companies that make personalised photo books and calendars, even canvas prints, simply by uploading your photos. If you are creative a drawing, poem or handmade card is always treasured.

Try to think about your partner and what would make them happy. Take Christmas as an opportunity to show how much you care. A small personal gift is often more special than an expensive thoughtless one.

Don’t be a Christmas cracker

Whatever you do don’t go into debt or try to pretend to be something you are not because you want to impress your partner. If you cannot afford to buy your partner a present and are feeling stressed and anxious as a result, it is time to sit down and have an open conversation about it. As uncomfortable as it may seem in the long run you will be giving your partner a gift that will last long after the tree has been taken down – your trust.

Whatever you do remember Christmas is about love, not money, and you can give and receive that in abundance.

Recent studies show that one in three of us will become part of a step-family situation at some time in our lives. In theory this is often a welcome aside to meeting a match you really connect with but occasionally other people’s children can cause problems in a relationship, especially if the break up of the family was fairly recent or bitter. Here we look at some of the most common difficulties and strategies for dealing with them.

The kids don’t like you

So it’s time to meet the kids. You may feel very nervous and just like the beginning of any relationship it can feel awkward at first. The trouble is that kids aren’t like adults and won’t bother to hide their feelings if they are uncomfortable around you – they may even be openly hostile or rude, depending on their age. If this seems to be the case it is important that you try not to take it personally.

Most kids harbour a wish for their parents to get back together and the advent of a new partner can make this dream impossible to realise. They might think that by being horrible to you, that you will go away and mum and dad will get back together. The key here is time. Don’t avoid opportunities to be with them and don’t try to buy their affections. Just be patient and they will eventually come to see you as a permanent feature in their parent’s life. Remember they are often only acting from loyalty to the other parent and have their own feelings about their mum and dad not being together. Be firm, patient and consistent, as they begin to see that their parent is happy and you are here to stay they will likely come round.

You don’t like the kids

This is a tricky one to negotiate. It can cause real problems in your relationship if you don’t want to be around your partner’s kids because you don’t like them. No-one is asking you to love them but they are a really important part of your partner’s life and unless you can develop a healthy relationship with them it is unlikely that your relationship with your partner will develop very far. Whatever you do don’t express dislike or negative feelings about them directly to your partner; parents are usually sensitive and protective about their kids. If you have kids yourself don’t compare yours with theirs as that is likely to cause a row.

As far as possible try to find the positive in them and to nurture that; don’t be critical or standoffish but warm and open. Be yourself and don’t try to be somebody you think they want you to be. Treat them as you would like to be treated and try to imagine how it must feel from their point of view this will soften your heart and give you the best chance of overcoming whatever difficulties there are at the start. Remember they aren’t going to be kids forever.

The ex causes problems

Unless your partner was widowed then there is another tricky customer in your new relationship – the ex. When it comes to this relationship the best position to adopt is that of ally to your partner. You can’t get in there and fight any of the battles for him/her because this war is likely to have been raging for years and the kids may have become the main ammunition. Love and support your partner. Give advice if they ask for it but don’t add to their difficulties by making it all about you. The ex will need time to see that you are not going to try and steal their children away from them or try to be a better mum/dad than they are.

Your partner is too soft /strict

It may seem to you that your partner doesn’t discipline their children in the way you think they should and that is why there are problems. Many parents who no longer live with their children feel guilty and are prone to overcompensate when they have them to stay. Be patient and tolerant and try not to jump in and do the discipline for them.

The most important thing is your developing relationship. If you are struggling with anything to do with your partner’s children talk to them about it. Talk about your feelings rather than criticising their kids or their style of parenting and you will see that developing intimacy isn’t about not having any problems but about developing the skills to deal with them together.

We hear stories from time to time about people who thought their relationship was going well only to discover their partner wasn’t on the same page. It can be devastating when a relationship ends unexpectedly and people often ask themselves why they didn’t see it coming. The answer is often that they were ignoring problems that were staring them in the face.

Just as you regularly take your car into the garage for a service and MOT you can run your relationship through a series of tests to check it’s on track.

1.    You trust each other – Trust is the essential foundation of any healthy relationship. Some people say that trust has to be earned over time while others believe that it is there at the beginning and only diminishes if someone does something to hurt or betray you. Whatever your standpoint it is vital that you trust your partner.

2.    You enjoy being together – It may sound obvious but you only need to look around to see that some couples seem to have lost any pleasure and enjoyment in each other’s company. Do you look forward to spending time with your partner? Do you laugh and enjoy shared experiences? Although every couple will go through difficult times there should be lightness, joy and humour in a relationship in order for it to last.

3.    You respect each other – This is more than just a word, it is a deep feeling of positive regard for the other person’s feelings, attitudes, interests and beliefs even if they are different from your own.

4.    You can talk about anything and everything – Talking to each other openly and honestly fosters intimacy. Some people find it very difficult to open up and share their feelings but practice over time will improve your skills. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable in front of your partner, it will benefit the relationship because it shows that you trust them. We aren’t suggesting that your partner should be your only confidant, sometimes if you are dealing with difficult feelings it can be better to talk to a same sex friend or family member. The important thing is that you feel you can talk to your partner about things.

5.    You can argue well – All couples disagree sometimes and ideally arguments should be mutually supportive conversations which are necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements rather than hurtful battles which you try to win whatever the cost.

6.    You are happy when you are apart – The most successful relationships are those where each person is able to have their own life and interests independently of the other, you aren’t dependant on the other to feel safe, secure or confident. That way you know you will always be together because you want to be rather than because you need to be.

7.    Your sex life is still vibrant and exciting – You don’t have to be swinging from the lampshades but you must both be fulfilled and able to talk if there are problems.

8.    You are flexible about the future – You don’t have to have it all mapped out but are happy to grow together. You can plan together but don’t have your happiness and relationship dependant on certain things happening. Life is unpredictable; people lose jobs, illness and accidents can happen but if you are flexible your relationship can survive, and thrive, through it all.

9.    You don’t feel threatened by their relationships with their exes – This develops over time as you come to see that your partner’s affections are now firmly with you. It can add to the relationship if you can be supportive of them having a good relationship with their ex especially if kids are involved. Jealousy and insecurity in this area will erode a relationship because no matter what hurt has gone on in the past the parents of children have to find a way to communicate well with each other and your attitude will make a huge difference to this. It also shows you are secure in yourself.

10.    They are your number one fan – It may sound silly but it is really important that you feel that your partner thinks you are great and that they encourage, appreciate and support you. It is lovely to be told that you are the most wonderful woman/man they have ever met. Not everyone is so demonstrative but you can tell by the way someone treats you if they think the world of you. This is also about feeling that they would speak well of you when you are not there. We all have a moan from time to time about our partners but the overriding feeling should be that if they were talking about you it would be in glowing terms.

When people are asked about what they want from a relationship they usually say things like, ‘I want to be loved, appreciated, cared about and respected. I want to be with someone who I can trust and who thinks the world of me, someone who is good fun and enjoys my company’. We focus on all the positives that we want in our life and many of us are lucky enough to find these things but no sooner have we got them than we start focusing on what isn’t good, perfect or ideal in the relationship and start complaining about it.

We start to complain to friends, colleagues and family members and then wonder why a relationship that started so well quickly becomes unhappy. It may be because of the complaining as much as anything else.

What is complaining?
The dictionary definition is to express grief, pain or discontent. It makes sense to sometimes express these feelings if something has gone wrong. For example, in a restaurant it is not complaining to tell the waiter your soup is cold – it is a statement of fact and facts are neutral. If, however, you say something like ‘I can’t believe you bought me cold soup, this always happens to me’ that is complaining. Some people complain constantly because they have got into the habit of doing so rather than because there is anything actually wrong.

Research has shown that complaining is damaging to our physical and emotional health. There is a common thread in couples that are having difficulties in their relationship – complaining – they complain to each other and they complain about each other.

Problem focused
People complain to avoid action, they don’t want to take action to change the situation themselves so they complain to someone else. If you are struggling around an aspect of your relationship complaining about it to a friend isn’t going to change the situation unless that person can help you find a solution to your problem.

Go to the source
Talking to others outside your relationship only helps if what you learn is taken back and applied.  Developing better communication skills means starting to talk directly and only to the person who can affect the change that you seek – your partner. Tell the truth to the person who needs to know rather than complaining behind their back.

Connecting
We all want to connect with other people so we complain as a way of opening a conversation. It isn’t the best way forward especially on a date. It is far better to connect on a shared positive experience than a shared negative one e.g. If you arrive at your date and it is raining it would be much better to open with ‘I’m so happy I remembered my umbrella’ than ‘ It always rains when I have to be somewhere.’

Like bad breath
Some people complain about everything, the service in a restaurant, the state of the world, the way they are treated – sometimes it can seem as though they are persecuted by life when in fact they are just in the habit of complaining. We all enjoy a good moan sometimes its when its constant that it can become a problem. Like bad breath you notice it more when it is coming out of someone else’s mouth but may not notice it so much when its coming out of your own.

How to stop complaining
Complaining can be damaging to relationships but how do we stop doing it? When you catch yourself complaining just make a mental note. Listen to yourself and imagine you are in your date shoes. Listen to what you say and what that says about you. Is it attractive, do you want to spend time with that person? Are the things you complain about in others aspects of yourself that you find hard to accept? If so you might find less to complain about if you practice some self-acceptance.

You cannot complain your way into a good, healthy relationship. Making a point each day to think about what is good in your relationship and what you appreciate about you partner is much more likely to bring you what you want in life and in your relationship.

At first, secret relationships can feel mysterious and exciting. You arrange dates outside your normal hang-outs and restaurants and you plug a fake name into your mobile phone so no one really knows who’s calling. After a while, however, the secrecy of the relationship can become a chore and you are forced to re-evaluate your reasons for keeping your secret and look at the cost of it on your well-being.

It can jeopardise the future of the relationship
When you keep your relationship a secret you close the door to true intimacy and you run the risk of ruining the relationship before it really has a chance to begin. Relationships need firm foundations in order to thrive and one of the most important components of this is trust. If you are keeping your relationship secret it shows that you are capable of hiding something from the people closest to you and therefore you may be capable of hiding other things from your partner.

It can damage relationships with other people when they find out
Often, secret relationships are the product of unfounded fears. Is it really so hard to believe that the people you love will be supportive? Can you not imagine your friends and family being happy for you? It’s important to try and give friends and family the benefit of the doubt when it comes to secret relationships. Give them a chance to come to terms with the idea, regardless of the reason for their potential anger or disappointment. The longer the relationship is kept a secret the more likely it is that the other significant people in your life will be hurt when they discover the truth.

It can make you feel bad about yourself
According to psychologists keeping one’s relationship secret may have the same detrimental health effects as hiding any other important aspect of yourself. Hiding aspects of your life can cause you to feel paranoid, fearful and insecure at worst and, at best, separated and isolated from those who are closest to you.

You should examine why you and your significant other want to keep the relationship secret. Is secrecy really necessary? Sometimes it helps just to bite the bullet if you are worried what other people will think. You have to realise that the only thing that matters is how you feel about the other person. Sometimes, the reasons for a secret relationship boil down to the fact that you don’t really want to be together. If this is the case, you’re better off cutting your losses before anyone gets hurt.

You may be going against your own values
Is it your idea or are you going along with it because your partner insists it’s what they want? If that is the case you need to examine the cost in terms of your self-esteem. Are they free to have a relationship with you or are they already married or in a committed relationship? Whatever the situation is you need to check with yourself that you are not feeling compromised or pressured to get involved with something you are not comfortable about. It is your responsibility to look after yourself.

If someone says they want to keep it secret at the beginning make sure you agree how long the beginning will be, are we talking weeks or months and why do they want to keep it secret?
Secrets have an uncanny way of coming out and you need to be prepared for the consequences when your relationship comes to light.

Being in love is a wonderful feeling but it isn’t an antidote to personal crisis. Sometimes life deals us blows – bereavement, redundancy, serious illness – that threaten to break a relationship apart because the intensity of feelings involved can seem overwhelming. Couples who have been together for a long time will have developed strategies for when the going gets tough but if you are in a new relationship it can be much harder to know what to do. Here are some tips to help you weather the storm and hopefully come through stronger and more in love than ever.

If you are the one dealing with the crisis
If you are the person who has been hit by a personal crisis it can feel all consuming and the last thing on your mind is dating.

Whatever the nature of your difficulty it is important to not get completely engulfed in the feelings you are going through. Often people want to isolate and shut the world out and it is perfectly OK to do that, for a while. If your relationship is very new you could tell your date what has happened and say you are going to take some time out to deal with things; they will understand if they are the kind of person worth your love.

If you are a bit further down the road and have developed a strong connection with the person you are dating you may still want to take some time out but it is also important to realise that they could be a source of support while you go through this difficult time. Don’t shut them out, even if you feel terrible, and like you have nothing to offer, connecting with someone outside of the situation can be extremely helpful.

Keep it simple, going for a walk together or meeting somewhere quiet and beautiful will give you a break from your problem and allow you to talk about other things. The relationship will benefit from this because it shows you want to be with your partner even when you are at your most vulnerable.

Remember even in the face of personal tragedy it is OK to enjoy moments of happiness, if someone has died it doesn’t mean you have to die too. By allowing yourself to receive the love and support available you will be much more able to cope with whatever situation life throws your way.

If your difficulties continue for a long period of time, or you find yourself turning to alcohol or other addictions for relief from the pain, it is a good idea to get some outside help.

If you are supporting someone through a crisis
It can be very difficult to know what to do or say when someone close to us is hit by crisis. If you are very new into the relationship and your date says they want to take a break while they deal with the situation, accept it and offer reassurance that you will still be there when they come through.

If your relationship is a bit deeper your partner may still say they want to take a break which again, you must accept. It is important that during that period you keep reaching out to them, letting them know you are there and that your love is constant. You can do this via text, email, phone calls or even traditional letters and thoughtful gifs. It can be very difficult to sustain, and you don’t want to overdo it, but it is really important that you don’t disappear and wait for them to get over it.

Be sensitive
If you feel that your attempts at contact aren’t welcome back off a bit, try not to take it personally and don’t let it stop you from trying again. Listen but don’t give advice – you can make gentle suggestions for self-care – get a bath, eat some food etc – but your main role will be that of a sympathetic listener. If you want to suggest meeting up make it somewhere quiet, by the sea, or in the countryside or wherever your partner finds uplifting. Don’t be afraid to tell them what is going on in your life, it can be useful to take their mind off things.

Recognise your limitations
It is enormously heartbreaking to watch someone you love suffer under the weight of severe depression, grief or illness. It can make you feel so useless. It’s really hard to accept that – at the end of the day – there’s only so much you can do. But you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary grief if you acknowledge that you aren’t in control. You can’t fix this person’s life.

You can only show them love.

The first step is to figure out why your grown-up children are hesitant.

Jealousy
Whenever you start a new relationship your bond with your adult children will change. This is sometimes because you may have been much more available to them before – to look after grandchildren or help them out financially – but suddenly your life is fuller and you have less time (and maybe money) to devote to them.

Jealousy can also occur because they are not used to seeing you show affection to someone else. Even if rationally they accept it they may still find difficult emotions arising. This is most common when a man sees his mother dating again. It can be very hard to accept if he has been the man in her life for a long time.

Jealousy is a strange emotion which is difficult to control. If you suspect your children are jealous it is important that you make sure the transition is gradual and that your children are still getting enough of your attention so they don’t feel that your new partner has stolen you away from them. Be sensitive when it comes to showing affection in front of them, seeing our parents kiss can still have the yuk factor no matter how old we are!

Protectiveness
There are many stories in the media about con artists preying on vulnerable older people and it is right and natural for adult children to want to look after their parent, and their assets.
They are likely to feel even more protective if the parent has been single for a long time as they may doubt their parent’s ability to make good choices. Sometimes this is exacerbated by the parent’s own lack of self-confidence resulting in them seeking their children’s approval for their choice in much the same way children want acceptance and understanding when they make changes in their lives.

Children don’t want to see their parent hurt, or taken advantage of, and can struggle to welcome a new partner amicably if they doubt the partner’s suitability or sincerity. Frequently children can’t even pinpoint what they don’t like about the person you are with. If this is the case explore together the reasons why they don’t like your partner. Listen carefully and address whatever worries they may have directly.

As harsh as it is to accept, sometimes children object to a new relationship because if you remarry it will affect their inheritance. Offer reassurance if you think this is the main reason behind their objections and maybe consider making a will if you think this will help the situation.

Loyalty to the other parent
Adult children often object not because they dislike a new partner but because they feel that the new partner is assuming the role of their much-loved deceased or absent parent. All you can do in this situation is to reassure them that the new partner is not a parent figure and that he or she is not displacing their other parent.

If an adult child’s behavior is causing serious problems in your new relationship here are some questions you could ask them:

• What would you like to achieve by this?
• What affect is my new relationship having on our relationship?
• Do you think your attitude is affecting my relationship with the person I love?
• What would you like to see happen?
• Do you think your behavior is going to change my choice?

Don’t hesitate to let your adult children know that their behavior upsets you and makes you feel torn between wanting to please them and wanting to move on with your life. Remember that your children are adults and have lives of their own.

Ask them to give the new partner a chance, thank them for their concern and remind them that a parent’s choice of companion is not theirs to make. If the situation still doesn’t improve continue a separate relationship with them rather than sever the bond.

As with all blended families it will take time for everyone to adjust to the new situation. Sometimes no amount of reassurance will help but over time as your children see you happier, more fulfilled and enjoying life they will come to see that you have made the right choice.

There have been a lot of generalisations about the differences in communication styles between the sexes in recent years. Some of them are myths that help perpetuate the idea that men and women are alien beings who can never communicate well without an interpreter, but in amongst it all there are some useful observations which may help improve communication between couples.

Here are seven generalisations about the communication styles between men and women, how many are true in your experience?

Men
•    When men communicate, they like to get to the point, and generally only want to listen if they feel the conversation has a point
•    Men talk in very literal terms for the purpose of relaying information
•    Men like to sort their thoughts out before communicating them, and have the tendency to become distant and non-communicative as they ponder their concerns
•    When a man is troubled, he does not want his partner to express concern for him, but loves to be told that the problem is easily within his abilities to rectify because of the implicit vote of confidence in his abilities
•    Men feel validated and gratified when they are left to sort things out by themselves, and feel undermined by being offered sympathy or unsolicited assistance
•    Men want their solutions to be appreciated
•    In a relationship, a man needs to feel that his attentions are needed

Women
•    Women enjoy talking for it’s own sake, and are happy to listen unconditionally
•    Women employ artistic licence and dramatic vocabulary to fully express and relate their feelings
•    Women like to sort their thoughts out in the process of communicating them, and have the tendency to pour forth a litany of general grievances as they relate their concerns
•    When a woman is troubled, she loves her partner to express concern for her, but does not want to be told that the problem is a simple one to solve because of the implicit dismissal of her concerns about the issue
•    Women feel validated and gratified by being offered sympathy or unsolicited assistance, and feel undermined when they are left to sort things out by themselves
•    Women want their assistance to be appreciated
•    A woman needs to feel that her needs are attended

Are you Mars and Venus?
If the above statements (you can ask your partner whether they agree too) sound very like you and your partner then it may be that you experience difficulty in communicating with each other. If this is the case it may be useful for you to explore this further and read one of the many books available on the subject which give useful, practical advice on how to improve your communication and therefore your relationship.

Good communication requires participation on both sides and it is important to remember to practice listening as much as talking. Sometimes couples get into difficulties because their partner says one thing but they hear another. Try to practice hearing what is actually being said and if you think there is a hidden meaning ask for clarification. Avoid mind reading, if you want to know what your partner is thinking or feeling, ask.

Communication usually becomes most problematic when couples argue. In all relationships there will come a time when big issues arise over which they have different opinions. This is perfectly natural but can become problematic if they have poor communication skills. Often they start off arguing about one thing and end up arguing about the way they are arguing especially if the communication has become blaming, accusing, hostile or bitter bringing up all past hurts and grievances.

It is important to remember that good communication skills can be learnt and small changes can make big differences.

What do they do?
How your date spends their time when they are not seeing you is the best barometer of whether they are at a stage in their life where they might want to settle down. Are they out all the time only going home for a shower and a change of clothes? Are they heavily involved in hobbies or activities that take up large amounts of their free time and energy? If a lot of their energy is taken up away from home meeting people and living life in the fast lane then it may be that they are more committed to their activities than to the relationship. Some people fill their life up with hobbies and activities while they are single but change once they get involved in a relationship. Be wary of someone who never has time to see you.

What do they say?
Listen to your date when they talk about the future. Ask questions like ‘Where do you see us in five years time? Listen to their plans, dreams and aspirations and try not to take it personally if you don’t seem to feature in those plans. Some people naturally think in terms of making joint plans while others seem to be on their own bus and everyone else is a passenger who is along for the ride but has no say in the direction. It is better to know this at the beginning of a relationship than further down the line. You have to ask yourself whether you want an equal partnership or are happy to be a passenger.

Who do they spend time with?
Are they dating you exclusively or are they seeing other people? It might seem an obvious question but sometimes we don’t know the answer until it is asked. If your date is keeping their options open and your relationship casual you have to ask yourself whether you are happy with that.

Is it difficult for your partner to find a time to see you because they spend so much time with friends and family? Relationships are built on a series of increasing commitments but if your date won’t commit at the early stages they are unlikely to make the bigger commitments later on. We all want to feel that the person we are in a relationship with will want to spend time with us above other people but if this isn’t evident in the first flush of romance it is unlikely to develop later on.

If you feel that your partner is not ready to settle down but you know it is something you want ask the following questions.

Are they interested in settling down someday but not right now?
Lots of men and women plan to make a commitment to a long-term relationship at some point in the future just not yet. The time may not be right because of career obligations, family commitments, financial constraints, or other factors. For some men and women, they simply aren’t ready emotionally. If you are dating someone like this you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to wait.

Once bitten
Many people carry emotional baggage from previous relationships and are reluctant to commit because they don’t want to be hurt again. The issue then is whether the person is working through past hurts so he/she will one day be a healthy and stable partner?

In all aspects of relationships the most important thing is honest, open communication and as long as you feel you have that you will both know when the time comes to move forward or move on.

A relationship should be based on two people getting to know each other and ultimately planning to spend their lives together in happiness. In reality many people are in relationships for entirely the wrong reasons. Here’s our pick of just seven very wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

Because you are lonely or afraid to be on your own
This is the most common reason people get into unsuitable relationships. They are not being driven by a genuine desire to connect with another human being but by a need to alleviate their own feelings of loneliness or emptiness. Some people even say that they feel like less of a person without a partner and are afraid of that feeling, especially if they have been in a long-term marriage and have recently been bereaved or divorced.

Healthy relationships are those where we enjoy the company of a partner but are quite happy to be on our own too. There is a difference between wanting to be with someone and needing to be with them.

Needing sex and physical intimacy
They say we need twelve hugs a day to stay emotionally healthy and most of us aren’t getting anywhere near that amount even if we are in a relationship. There is a strong biological need in human beings to physically connect with others; we are social animals, and when we are single sometimes that physiological need can feel quite overwhelming. If you feel in need of love and affection start giving it whenever, and wherever, possible. Hug your parents, kiss your children, pat your mates on their back, tell the people you love and care about that you love and care about them. Give love and you will soon start to receive love.

For financial security
It can feel difficult and overwhelming to manage financially on your own if you have bills to pay and are used to sharing it with someone, but starting a new relationship is not the best way to resolve financial issues. If this is your motivation it is likely that you will move forward too quickly and create a dependency rather than a genuine partnership. Try to find other ways to create financial security for yourself e.g. taking in a lodger, downsizing, cutting back on bills, and get advice where needed. By taking responsibility you will learn that you can manage on your own which will boost your self-esteem and benefit any future relationships.

To boost your self esteem
If your ego has taken a bit of a battering after a break up or you just don’t feel great about yourself it can be tempting to want to get into a relationship so you have someone to make you feel confident, sexy, interesting and attractive. Relationships which begin in this way rarely work because if you don’t feel happy with yourself when you are single you may be so desperately in need of reassurance and affirmations from your partner that it drives them away. Even if they are your number one fan, over time you may lose respect for their opinion if you still suffer from low self-esteem and this can sabotage the relationship.

To fit in with friends
When you are single it can seem that everyone in your social circle is in a couple and unless you have a partner you simply don’t fit in. It is far better to try and develop new interests and hobbies rather than to take up a relationship simply to fit in.

Distraction from problems
Some people get into relationships because they have underlying issues that they simply don’t want to face. This is a futile delaying tactic because after the initial flush of romance has worn off they will find that the problems are still there, they were buried alive. It is far better to face problems rather than run from them and there are many places that can offer help and advice whatever it is you are trying to deal with.

He /She is a Challenge
Some people are irresistibly drawn to forbidden fruit and get most of the thrill from the relationship at the chasing stage but don’t really know what to do when they have their prize. Others are drawn to people who are difficult in the belief that they will be the one to change them. We can’t change other people and healthy relationships are those where we accept and treasure out partner ‘as they are’ rather than the ‘potential’ we see in them.

The right reason to be in a relationship is because you are interested in connecting with another person rather than to fulfil some need in you.

Couples argue for all sorts of reasons. Mostly about money, sex, decisions, values, child rearing and household responsibilities but sometimes about nothing at all or about the same thing every time. Often the pattern for arguing is set early on in the relationship. Here we suggest some useful strategies for avoiding painful confrontations and developing healthier communication skills which will give your relationship the best possible chance of success.

Don’t take it personally
Everyone gets upset from time to time and our intimate relationships are where it all comes spilling out. We have kept our cool at the office, with the kids and not shouted at the noisy neighbour but then our partner puts one foot out of place and they get their head bitten off. Being on the receiving end of this isn’t pleasant but it will only get worse if we bite back. Try to look past the irritation and anger and see that your partner is in need of your love and support.

If an argument is brewing and you know one or both of you isn’t in the right frame of mind for it to develop into useful, constructive discussion it is better to take some time out to cool off. Acknowledge that you have heard what the problem is but that now isn’t the right time to sort it out. You don’t have to get in the ring with someone who wants to let off steam and if you feel afraid of your partner’s anger you need to take a look at this, bullying and intimidation always damage a relationship.

Listen
This is one of the most important points when it comes to arguments. Good communication often lies at the heart of happy relationships and listening is a large part of that communication process. When your partner is upset don’t talk over, dismiss or invalidate what your partner is trying to tell you even if they are not expressing themselves very well.

Try to listen and ask questions to clarify what they are saying.
Most people jump to the defensive if they feel they are being attacked or criticised but it is much better to try to stay calm, acknowledge that the other person is upset and try to work out why and what they want from you. Often people say they are upset about something trivial but when they have a sympathetic listening ear it emerges that there are other things going on for them.

Whatever you do don’t dismiss or ignore problems because the chances are that if you do they will come back bigger and uglier next time. Try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and imagine how it looks or feels from their perspective.

It’s not what you say….
Often it’s not what someone says but how they say it that hurts us and we may refuse to accept or understand our partner’s point of view because of the way we are being spoken to. As far as possible avoid blaming, accusing, demanding and aggressive communication styles as they are very unlikely to get a positive response from your partner. It is more likely that these styles will emerge if difficult issues between you aren’t being talked about on a regular basis as resentments may build up until one or both of you reach boiling point.

Most couples tend to start out arguing about one thing and end up arguing about the way they are arguing. Men often invalidate a woman’s feelings because they are likely to respond to the facts of what she is saying rather than the feelings behind it.  Women tend to criticise and diminish men by accusing them of not fulfilling their needs even though they haven’t been clear about what those needs are.

If you are a man try to respond to your partner’s feelings without getting into the facts, for example, if she says ‘you never listen to me’ don’t give her ten examples of times when you did listen, instead understand she is feeling vulnerable and needs you to listen to her now.

If you are a woman be aware that when you are talking to a man about a difficult subject don’t criticise or blame him for your unhappiness. Be direct and clear about what it is you are trying to say and what you want from him.

Healing from an argument
Look at your part and say sorry if you have hurt the other person. Don’t justify bad behaviour or  play tit for tat as that will only keep the anger smouldering.

As far as possible let go of bad feeling as soon as possible and put it in the past. If you have been arguing about a specific issue is it something that can be changed? If not you will have to accept it and move on.

In all relationships there are going to be disagreements but if you use some of these strategies arguments can become mutually supportive conversations which are necessary to resolve and negotiate differences and disagreements.

If only there was a quick test you could do to know if you’d found The One – it would save a lot of time and heartache. Unfortunately, science hasn’t quite figured that one out yet, and probably never will, but we’ve got nine ways you can be pretty sure they’re The One.

1. You’re not waiting for it to become perfect
We often allow ourselves to believe that if one particular obstacle is removed from our romantic relationship, then it will turn into the perfect relationship. The reality is that if you hang the happiness of your relationship on whether or not your partner gives up smoking, for example, you’re probably using it to mask other problems.

Say they give up smoking, chances are you’ll still be unhappy. You have to realise that true happiness doesn’t come from perfection, but in fact from the acceptance of your partner’s flaws and the ability to compromise and move on. A good relationship is good on its own merits, it doesn’t need tweaking.

2. You are good enough
When your partner doesn’t mind that you sing badly in the shower, have really cold feet in bed, or [insert unusual trait here], then you can be pretty sure you’ve found The One. They will also be incredibly proud of everything you do, and generally think you’re a wonderful person. And all you have to do is be you.

3. You argue well
This might sound like a contradiction in terms, but a relationship counsellor will tell you that a couple who fight and resolve their issues are far healthier than a couple that never argue at all. By airing your grievances you can resolve them and move on, rather than bottling things up. But beware, if you’re arguing all the time and getting nowhere, you might need to rethink your relationship.

4. Boring becomes fascinating
When you’re in a great relationship, it’s the stuff that no one else wants to hear that’s fascinating to you both. The smallest details of your partner’s day are interesting, even though they would send anyone else to sleep. Ever had that moment when you realise you’re boring the bones off your best friend about something your partner has done or said recently, that you’ve found fascinating? That kind of stuff.

5. You’re drama-free
This doesn’t mean you never argue (see point three), more that things seem to just flow along smoothly. Neither one of you screams, shouts or pouts to get their own way – you just know how to deal with each other, and you know that life is much better that way.

6. Your family and friends ‘get it’
Most of the time, when our friends and family endorse someone we’re with, that’s not only a huge boost, but also a huge indicator that he or she is right for you. They know you better than most people, and if they’re giving you the thumbs up then you’re on the right track.

7. You make them happy
The deeper the connection two people have, the easier it is for them to know how to make each other happy. Think about the smaller day to day differences you can make. Do you know what music to put on to cheer your partner up, or how they like their tea in the morning? In the bigger scheme of things, do you know the best way to help him or her work through a problem at work, or with their family? And do they do the same for you?

8. You’re on the same page
You’ve probably heard us talk about this before at eHarmony, but compatibility is so important for a healthy relationship. Don’t get us wrong, this doesn’t mean you have to be clones of each other. But think about it – if you one of you wants to settle down with children by 35 and the other is planning on jacking it all in and travelling the world, there’s going to be conflict. However, if you have similar values and ideas about how you want your lives to pan out, then you have a much better chance of building a life together.

9. You have mutual respect
Mutual respect in a relationship means a deeper connection and more trust between the couple. This is the foundation of most aspects of a great, long-lasting relationship, and is probably one of the most important points on this list.

As we said at the start, there’s no foolproof way to know if you’re with The One. But if you can tick off all the points on this list, then you can be pretty sure you’re on the right track.

Do you ever find yourself wondering if they’re The One, or if you’re just settling down because you don’t think you’ll find anyone better? Sometimes, when we’re at a low ebb, it can be very easy to convince ourselves that someone is right for us, just because they’re there. But settling rarely makes for a long lasting, happy relationship. Here are 6 warning signs that you’re settling for second best in your relationship.

1. The little things really bug you

Love is blind…well, it should be during the honeymoon phase anyway. If your relationship is relatively new but little things about your partner are already starting to annoy you, this is a big warning sign. Over time these things aren’t going to go away, they’re just going to get more annoying.

2. You fantasise about time alone

When you’re with someone you really like, especially at the start of the relationship, you tend to want to spend every second together. However, if you find yourself fantasising about that evening you can spend alone watching the TV shows your partner hates, or that weekend you have coming up where you can spend some time on your own, you’re settling.

3. You constantly think about the sands of time

Love isn’t a practical thing. You fall in love with someone despite all the odds, not to fulfil a purpose. If you keep telling yourself that this is your last chance, and you probably won’t find anyone else then you really are settling. You’re never too old to find love but you’re always too young to settle.

4. You’re attempting a make-over

If you keep a mental to do list of the things you think your partner could improve on then you’ve got problems. As we’ve said time and time again on eHarmony Advice, you should never begin a relationship thinking you can change the other person to be your ideal partner. Your soul mate will seem right from the very start.

5. You gloss over your partner’s faults

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the person who ignores all their partner’s faults. So what if she never does any housework, at least she comes home when she says she will. Or so what if he never tells me he loves me, at least he loads the dishwasher properly. Your partner doesn’t need to be perfect but they do need to be right.

6. You’re always making excuses for your partner

Do you find yourself saying things like ‘She’s had a really tough year’ or ‘He can’t help it’ to your friends and family when they question aspects of your partner’s personality or habits? You shouldn’t have to make excuses to your loved ones about your partner. You should either be honest with them, or get out of the relationship.

1.    They won’t pick up the phone
When you’re in a long distance relationship communication is key. Of course, communication is key in any relationship, but when distance separates you picking up the phone or chatting on Skype becomes more important than ever.

But, if your other half just doesn’t seem to be willing to put in the work, then you should be on your guard. Dropping you the odd text before bedtime doesn’t count either – we’re firm believers in regular conversations, preferably over the phone, between people in a long distance relationship. Texts are just too easy to send, and are also far too open to interpretation. An LDR takes work, and if the other person in the relationship can’t be bothered  or doesn’t want to pick up the phone at the end of the day to find out how you are, then maybe they’re just not as invested as you’d hoped.

2.    They won’t compromise
Relationships are all about compromise, and a long distance relationship should be no different. But if your partner won’t visit you one weekend because they have a 5-a-side match, or because they want to have Sunday lunch with their mates then they might need to rethink their priorities.  It’s essential that both parties are willing to put in effort to a long distance relationship, and if that means forgoing other pleasures then that’s the way it has to be. If your partner doesn’t seem willing to put you first, then one or both of you might need to rethink your priorities, or your relationship.

3.    They suddenly change how or when they get in touch
If your other half has suddenly changed how or how often they communicate with you, you should question why. Maybe that early morning call has petered out, or they no longer log online in the evening to have a post-work chat.

Of course, if your partner has a new job, or new commitments that have changed the course of their day then you can expect upheaval, but if there’s no reason for this change in behaviour then you should be prepared to ask why. Is it because they no longer have the time? They can’t be bothered? They don’t feel you appreciate it? Have the conversation, before the situation gets out of hand.

4.    They suddenly become needy
We all have our down days, and in a long distance relationship that can lead to a bit of neediness; maybe the odd text saying you could really do with a hug, or a moany ‘I miss you soooooo much’ phone call. But, if your other half is suddenly displaying this behaviour all the time, consider it a red flag. If they can’t cope without you for even a few days, it suggests their lives are somewhat empty and they’re using you to fill it. Whether they need new job, a hobby or some friends, a situation where one partner is totally dependent and focused on the other person doesn’t work in any relationship, especially a long distance one.

Relationship myths are like old wives tales, not worth a look in. Yet we often choose to believe them, which – unlike thinking a black cat can bring you good luck – can be damaging to our love lives. To combat this, here we’ve taken three relationship myths and given them a good ol’ kicking.

Myth 1: Showing you care is scary
Feelings are scary aren’t they? After all, telling someone you really like them, or explaining that something they’ve done has upset you will probably scare them off, won’t it? Wrong. It’s rare that the act of telling your partner how you feel will push them away; it’s more that creating drama around that emotion will scare them off.

People dislike drama, not emotion. Drama usually indicates someone who’s unable to keep their emotions in check, and that’s an unattractive quality in anybody. But emotion expressed in a mature way IS an attractive quality. Compare these two statements:

“I can’t believe you didn’t tidy up the house before you left for work! You’re SO inconsiderate!”

“I’d really appreciate it if you tidied up before you left for work tomorrow morning, is that ok?”

In the second statement the person is giving their partner the chance to respond, perhaps even defend themselves, or maybe just say ‘OK, I’ll make sure I do that tomorrow’. In the first, there’s no room for compromise. Stay calm and considered and your relationship should stay happy.

Myth 2: If you give, you get something in return
This is a bit of a hard truth, and one many of us are still to learn. We all know that by being a good, positive person, you should attract good, positive people in return, and that’s a great frame of mind when dating.

But when it comes to relationships, giving your all to your partner doesn’t mean you’ll get the same in return. In fact, often the more you give to someone the more they’ll simply take rather than give back. No one falls in love with someone else because the other person does everything for them. Instead, they just fall in love with them because they are them.

Don’t get us wrong, we’re not saying play games by withholding affection to try and win affection. We’re just saying that in the wrong type of relationship, you can give as much as you like, but that doesn’t mean the other person will give you an ounce of anything back. Relationships are about balance, not winning affection.

Myth 3: A relationship means long term commitment
Just because you’ve entered into a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you’re set on the path towards being long term or even getting married. There are lots of people out there trying out relationships with a ‘let’s see where it gets us’ attitude, and if you’re not on board with that you might find you get hurt further down the line.

The answer to this age old problem is to take the time to enter into that relationship. Look around for the right person, make sure you know what you’re looking for and then make sure that you’re both on the same page when you become ‘exclusive’. This might mean having some slightly awkward conversations, but one chat could save you years of problems.

Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that once the other person in the relationship has said ‘I love you’ then everything will be ok. But sometimes we’re wrong. You can think that everything is going great when suddenly the other person tells you they’re unhappy, and it’s over.

This kind of thing can hit you like a bolt from the blue, but there are often very simple reasons why someone might do this. Here we pick three of the most common reasons why someone may just love you and then leave you, and how you can stop them happening to you…

1.     They feel like you’re trying to fix or change them
One of the biggest mistakes people make in a relationship is trying to fix the other person. In the early stages of a relationship it’s easy to gloss over those little things that could annoy you about the other person. Maybe you think they’re just a little bit too lazy, or needy, but in the honeymoon period it doesn’t matter.

However, as the gloss starts to fade you find those little habits or traits beginning to annoy you, and you decide to ‘fix’ your partner. Unfortunately this usually has the opposite effect. The more your suggestions seem to fall on deaf ears, the more you protest and the more your partner pulls away – a vicious cycle.

All isn’t lost. Firstly, it’s important to remember you should NEVER enter a relationship thinking you can change someone. You must have total acceptance from the start. However, if there is something you want to help your partner improve upon then it must come from within. Only they can make that change, but as their partner you can really help them.

2.    They can’t handle intense emotion
Emotions, instead of being like the steady trickle of a river, can build up and then rage like a broken dam. Or in other words, sometimes we let things build up inside, and when we release our partners are on the receiving end. If your partner isn’t sure how to handle these emotions – something many people have difficulty with – they might feel overwhelmed and want to escape.

The answer is to avoid this rage of emotions by learning to talk about certain subjects when you have thought them through become calm yourself. That way you will avoid offloading all your emotion onto your partner who will in turn be less inclined to feel trapped.

3.    They fear loss of freedom
Everyone at some point in their lives fears the loss of their freedom. Whether it’s committing to a personal training session (and being told what to do!) or having a jittery moment before walking down the aisle, a promise or a commitment can be a scary thing to make.

If the make-up of your relationship is one where negative things happen on a regular basis – arguments, misunderstandings – then the other person may start to question why they should make this commitment to you. However, if you have lots of positive elements to your relationship your partner will see what’s to be gained from the relationship, rather than just focusing on the fear of of losing their freedom.

There comes a point in every new relationship where the couple have to talk about the dirtiest of subjects – money. Whether it’s because they’ve decided to save up for a holiday together, or one of them is having money issues, the topic will arise. Different people earn different salaries, and have different spending habits, and this can cause friction in a relationship.

However, as with many of the situations that new couples have to face, it’s not what you have to deal with, it’s how you deal with it that decides whether or not you come out the other side unscathed. In a new relationship any topic is uncharted territory, so it’s best to tread carefully. To help you along the path, here are our four new relationship tips on surviving your first argument about money.

1.    Everyone’s circumstances are different
Maybe you earn £40,000 a year and your other half earns £12,000. Or perhaps your partner is still dealing with the aftermath of a previous relationship or divorce that has left them out of pocket. Or maybe they’ve been used to their previous partner dealing with all the bills and now are a bit lost money wise. Whatever the circumstances you find yourselves in, however you’ve come to face a money issue in your relationship, it’s worth remembering that everyone is different.

Some people think that money is not overly important, whereas others believe in squirreling every penny away into an ISA for a rainy day. Whatever your attitude and personal finances, use this issue as a chance to take stock and accept you’re learning something new about your partner. The fact is that you only really have two choices: accept their financial situation and move on, or end the relationship.

2.    Don’t rub their face in it
If your partner has made a money mistake, your instinct will be to make them feel bad about it. After all, if you make a big deal over it, they won’t do it again, right? Wrong. They’ll simply resent you, and it might push them into even worse money habits. If it’s their money they’ve blown on something inappropriate, it’s still their money, not yours. If they’ve spent your joint money, that’s a bigger problem, but getting angry or treating them like a child won’t help.

Draw a line under the issue and start to move on. We’re not saying you should be pleased your partner has been frivolous with money, we’re just saying that if you want to retain peace in your relationship, continually harking back to the time ‘you lost £100 in a stupid bet’ isn’t going to help matters.

3.    Take baby steps
Taking control of your finances can be a very scary thing for someone who’s never done it before. Telling your partner that it’s time they shaped up and opened and ISA and a savings account when they’re dipping into their overdraft each month might be a bit much. Start slowly, encouraging them to draw up a budget and look into where there money’s gone, for example.

4.    Leave them to it
Remember that you can’t push someone; you can only guide them and leave them to their own devices. And most importantly remember that if someone who can’t look after their own money is a real ‘Can’t Stand’ for you, then perhaps the relationship needs re-evaluating.

Please also remember though that if your partner is in serious debt then they may need professional advice. If you are worried you’re in this situation, you can find lots of help here.

Whether it’s your first serious relationship, or you’re coming to dating all over again after a divorce, meeting your partner’s parents will always be nerve-wracking. They’re the people who brought your beloved into the world, and possibly the only people who still have a sway over him or her. They’ve seen your partner at their weakest, their strongest, and no one knows them better.

Here’s our five tips for ensuring that first meeting goes as smoothly as possible. Good luck!

1.    Accept the first invitation they extend
If you’re worried about meeting the parents then it might be tempting to put off meeting them. Maybe they’ve asked you out for dinner and you’ve cried off with a bad stomach, or a work commitment. Just remember that if you’re serious about your relationship, you’re putting off the inevitable. Plus, your partner’s parents aren’t stupid; one excuse is, well, excusable, but any more and they’ll draw the conclusion that you’re just plain rude.

2.    Try and meet on neutral ground
If you are nervous about meeting the parents then you’re best off doing it in an environment no-one is familiar with. That way neither side has the ‘upper-hand’; everyone is on the same level. If it’s left up to you to decide the venue, choose something low key like brunch at a local cafe, or Sunday lunch at your favourite (in-law friendly) pub. Now is definitely not the time to try somewhere new, or somewhere unusual (your partner’s parents might enjoy sushi, but why take the risk?).

If they’ve made it clear they’d like to choose the venue, don’t try and pass on suggestions unprompted. Just let them decide, and if it does happen to be your worst nightmare of a restaurant then you’ll just have to grin and bear it for a couple of hours. Resist the temptation to make negative remarks about the place you’re meeting, if you’ve had bad personal experiences there. It may well be their favourite restaurant and you run the risk of seriously offending them.

3.    …or be prepared to muck in
If the meeting is a visit to their home then this is your chance to show how considerate and helpful you can be. Whether that’s helping his Dad stack the washing machine after dinner, or helping her Mum serve the tea, get stuck in. Even if you’re told not to lift a finger, don’t see that as a green light to put your feet up on the sofa. Offer your help whenever you think it’s appropriate, without being overbearing.

4.    Do your homework
Doing some research on your partner’s parents will avoid two things:

1.    The conversation drying up
2.    You putting your foot in it

Make sure you have all the basics nailed down; know their names (duh!), jobs (or former jobs), hobbies, likes and dislikes, clubs they’re members of etc.  If your partner’s parents are divorced, or if one of their parents is no longer alive, make sure you’re completely on board with what’s acceptable to ask about and what isn’t. After all, you don’t want to be the one who halts conversation at dinner after asking about the ex-wife that no one mentions.

Knowing something about your partner’s parents also earns you lots of brownie points, which can never be a bad thing!

5.    Retain the high ground
Families are funny things – they have their own rules about what’s acceptable and what’s not. Sometimes these rules don’t follow societal norms, but that’s ok, because they understand their own boundaries. However, you don’t. Don’t assume that because the family calls your partner’s brother ‘Chubs’, you can get involved too. Also, just because they’re all swapping silly stories about your partner, that’s not your cue to recount the most embarrassing story you know about him or her. Smile or laugh when appropriate and keep your anecdotes to yourself.