26 October 2009
How to handle jealous friends
by eHarmony
Friends and dating can be a complicated mix. What do you do when they don’t share your enthusiasm about a new relationship?
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You’ve known your friend for years and have shared intimate details about just about everything in your life. So it can come as a nasty surprise if their claws come out the moment you date someone new. Discover how to handle tricky friends when dating.
Is it jealousy?
Don’t write off your friend as ‘jealous’ too quickly. Consider all the reasons for their cold behaviour and assess your own actions. You’ve got every right to spend most of your time with a new partner but you’ve also got a responsibility to your friends to check up on them if you think something’s amiss. New love can be all-consuming but you shouldn’t just look to your friends when you’re down and neglect them when you’re happy. This would be understandably hurtful.
If you still think their reaction is unfair, consider what motivates it. Perhaps they feel left out, particularly if you are dating a mutual friend? Think back to when you were single and see it from their perspective. Being on your own can be lonely so a little empathy goes a long way.
At best a good friend will share your excitement about your new relationship. They will be happy to discuss your hopes and fears and will probably ask questions about your partner out of concern for your welfare. It’s when they start dishing out snide comments and reporting rumours about your new love that they’ve overstepped the mark.
What should you do?
Their behaviour might be uncalled for but it’s not worth losing a close friendship over a new romance. Make time for your friend as well as your partner. Giving them the cold shoulder too is a quick way to lose them altogether.
Speak to them directly
Waiting till everything blows over is a recipe for disaster. Talk to them as soon as possible to hear their case as well as tell them yours. Communication is vital and will allow you to confront and hopefully dispel bad feelings before they’ve festered into something worse.
Be open-minded
Jealousy might not be the problem. Be aware that your friend could have good grounds for their behaviour. Perhaps he or she genuinely believes you and your new partner are incompatible. What you have construed as cold behaviour could be your friend being hesitant to express happiness at a relationship they feel is doomed. Like bad hairstyles and fashion choices, they might be hoping that time will help you see the light and that it’s not worth damaging a friendship over.
If your friend does express concerns, try not to react defensively. Listen hard to their reasons. When you’re caught up in the passion of a new relationship, good friends can sometimes judge things better from a more detached perspective. Otherwise, agree to disagree and be civil. If their concerns turn out to be unfounded, they’ll probably apologise, and if they don’t, you’ll need their friendship later.
Show that you appreciate them
Once they have told you their feelings, reassure them that you value their friendship. Making time for a new partner and old friends is a delicate balancing act. Jealousy of a new partner is usually a fleeting emotion that can easily be overcome.
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1
Kris
2 December 2010 03:39
Can I ask people:
How do you handle it where your girlfriend has this friend who has had feelings for her for years, and to protect his feelings, she refuses to even hold hands in front of him? Not only that, but he stops them from even walking next to each other and she won’t do a thing about it except to say, “ignore it”?
2
Mary
9 January 2011 23:24
I’d say that this doesn’t sound like a healthy situation but you know that already right. If the feelings that this person has for her, are truly not reciprocated then the only thing is to tell her how this situation really makes you feel about your relationship. Also, what this will do to your relationship? If she is truly committed to your relationship and wants it to work then she is going to have to be brave and tell him where he stands and then show him by her actions i.e. holding hands etc. If she doesn’t then he is never going to accept the situation. She really needs to tackle this one with your support. If she doesn’t then maybe she needs to re-evaluate how important your relationship is, and make that choice. I feel it is very kind of her to consider his feelings but he is not considering either of yours, and so she may need to be cruel in the kindest way, to be kind if you know what I mean. Good luck!
3
Charlie
29 January 2011 18:43
What do you do when your boyfriend’s male friend acts so jealous of the two of you that you can see steam coming out of his ears if your boyfriend holds your hand or strokes you lovingly in front of him. I have tried to ignore this guy’s jealously but this guy is now trying to break us up as he dumped his girlfriend and now wants my boyfriend to join him so he’s not alone, so he fills his head with nonsense to the point I barely see him now. I am tempted to just walk away and leave the two of them to be “boyfriends” as no matter what I do my boyfriend is saying all I want is marriage as my ultimate goal. All I wanted was to have a loving relationship where we are loyal to one another and a piece of paper doesn’t guarantee that and I’m no fed up because his body language indicates that he wants to be with me yet his words are not his own – taken out of the script his “boyfriend” has given him, no wonder he’s acting so damn confused. Anyone else suffered something similar?