Dating and relationship advice you can really believe in.

Umm agree. I knew the relationship was no longer good. But still worked at it because I thought that’s what everyone did. In the end I felt like a dog tied up in a yard waiting for my owner to come home to throw me some scraps or take me for a walk [which sometimes never happened]. Never again.

Real sorry to hear about your experiences I Hall. Honestly, not all women are criticising harpies. Please keep the faith. Don’t give up just yet, I’m sure Miss Right for you is out there. Keep looking under those stones, the next one could be her!

I have read this article. I couldn’t agree more. For years I worked and worked to keep my unhappy marriage together. I had no self esteem and my husband underminded me totally. I told myself I loved him. Although he told me he loved me I never felt loved. Two years ago I found out about a HUGE debt he had run up- and after 18 years and with 3 very young children- and within 6 weeks he had left although I begged him not to. It has taken a long time and many tears, but I am finally building myself up and realise just how distructive to me he was. I should have listened to that voice in my head years ago. Never again!!!!!

Hi Rod, Question; why are you exploring e Harmony if you are married and still in the marriage? Sounds to me like your actions are already giving you the answer you seek?. There is nothing more frightening than fear itself and you may find that standing square and making a decision is a most self affirming thing to do and you will grow. However, avoid creating chaos; stand still in your head and consider carefully your questions and even more so – your answers. You have already identified and verbalised how you experience yourself…this awareness and honesty about yourself is half the journey and will make the rest a little easier to think through I reckon. It’s up to you to do with this what you will but in any event…Well done. First truths can be difficult but knowledge is power and now you can start making informed choices. Think about what you need above what you want and how you can best go about achieving that. It might be that the grass you’re standing on might be good enough after all and just in need of information exchange…a little nurturing communication between you.

Hope that helps.

Rod, before you walk out on your marriage and two children do everything within your power to save it. 19 years is a long time and people change, but you don’t want to throw it all away if the situation is still redeemable in particular because there are innocent children involved. So get off eharmony and see if you can save you marriage.

No-one is considering the effects of adult behaviour on the children. My partenr left 2 years ago when my daughter was 14. Regardless of any effects on the adults, the effect on my daughter was devastating and still causes problems now because he still has no idea or wants to have any idea of any effects it has had on her, she basically lost a father. He lives and works over 200 miles away and his answer is she can come and visit him and his partner. On the positive side we have a much closer relationship and have learnt to get on with our lives. As parents I would urge you to think very carefully about leaving. if your relationship is having a negative effect on the children then it may be better to leave, however, do keep in contact with them and continue to participate in caring for them. Parenthood is not for spectators, and there should not be an option to opt out of it regardless of your relationship with the other parent. You may want to consider waiting until your children are older before giving up on them. Good luck with an incredibly difficult decision.

………..the answer to most relationship quandries could be – What advice would you give to your child if they were in that situation?……..your first thought will be the right one. Respect yourself as you would your own child and you are on to a winner…!!!

hI everybody, i’m new on p.c but i’ve just read all your letters with interest, Thanks for sharing. Iwondered if i could get some feed back on my situaation ? after 16 yrs alone with 3 sons, i met a loving,caring kind and gentle guy The timing was perfect, and i was so happy, for 2 yrs, then i’t became ovious that he wss alcoholic and i started drinking with him ALOT then the domestic violence started, i tried 100s of times to ”get him better ” I ALWAYS felt in my heart that the wonderful loving man ( my soul mate ) was still cause alot of the time he genuinely was! It broke my heart to leave him 6 months ago, but i had to not only for my sake but more for my now adult sons. I tried so many times to break from him and always went back ,still not believing my future dreams were gone He was so ill when i left him, and i was too. I’ve been working THE 12Step recovery programme at a brilliant councelling facility having attended 5 days a week for 6 mths i’m now in after care group once a week. I havent touched a drink for 7 mths. I thank God and my councellors with all my heart for my recovery. Now my x partner (who i’VE never stopped caring about,) has decided to access the 12 steps too and over the past week due to this fact i find my self supporting him with encouragement and guidence, i so want him to get better , he will die without this programme.Some people will be horrified that i’m helping him and very worried, I’m so worried about my motives, i do know that it would kill me inside if he died, but don’t know if i’m being selfish or stupid still believing in him, I would love my ”soul mate ” back, just as we used to be, he’s always wanted that, i’m just so scared right mow, i could build up all my hopes again, to be dashed, he could fall again, or he could even recover and meet someone else break my heart although i’d rather tha than him be dead. I feeling Anxiety creeping back,a major issue that,along with depression, was alwavs a major issue in my life. for the very first time,i was learning to manage this and joined eharmony 2 weeks ago ,really thought i was ready to move forward with my life and love again, still have so many dream that need to be shared,Now i’m so confused, really don’t know what to do i would be SO greatful for any advice you could possibly give to me , thanks love jane x

I am a widow aged 70 with 4 children, and I am not going to give advice, no one listens to advice, however, you can listen to your own ‘gut instincts’ and I did a ‘counselling coure’ which involved ‘working with others in ‘triads’ and attending the lectures. I thought I had done all my ‘oersonal growth’ however, it is true with what I was advised by others who had one the course ‘it changes your life’ changes how you view yourself and others. It cost me a thousand punds and I graduate this year -worth every penny….at the end of the course – one’s personal growth enables one to make decisions that are the right ones and that is me – aged 70 and I thought I knew ‘myself’ I did not and my self esteem and self belief was enhanced.
I wish all who read this -to take the time – to listen to that inner voice and act on it – but this does not mean that you have to throw away what you have – if you raise your own self esteem and self worth – it gives you strength and it ups the respect you get back – it worked for me – because I made a stand and stuck to it – not easy I assure you.

Very accurate article. I’ve felt the points here with lot of my exs

Mags you say that “I am now on this site mending a broken heart” and “Part of me wants to try again with this relationship because I believe that anything can be mended. However, he won’t forgive me, he says too much has been said.”

You shouldn’t be using a dating site to mend a broken heart and clearly you’re not over this bloke and want to get back with him. You need to be clear of all this before you go dating and it’s unfair on the people you meet as you wont be ready to commit to anything and you’ll be likely to be wanting to off load a lot of feelings/conversation about your (sort of) ex which is not the kind of date I’d appreciate experiencing.

Having read the article above by Jane, the woman with the alcoholic ex partner. I strongly recommend reading the book “living with the dominator” from the freedom programme. It will explain to you the manipulative behaviours of controlling partners, including the “bursting into tears” when you want to end the relationship. This suggests to us that the bully, violent cruel manipulative man has suddenly undergone a massive shift and has reverted to the loving honey that he was at the start of the relationship. Sorry, he hasnt. It is a tactic. He will turn on the lovely man show just long enough to get what he wants, ideally get back into your life and then slowly slowly reverts to the controlling abusive stuff again. I know……..sadly have been caught like this twice in my life.
Such men (and there are women like this too) are not adults but stuck in adolescence. They want a mummy figure to take care of them and allow them to carry on as spoilt children in long trousers. They are very hard to spot as the best behaviour is switched on for short periods at the start of the relationship and we frequently think this is for real. If you want to know more about this read the book by Pat Craven. wish you all luck out there. Mona x

I was Married in a relationship 20 years, It was my inner gut feeling telling me I could not carry on, I realised people change in that time and more so as the kids left home, it took 9 yes Nine years to leave, I had an affair that lasted this time< every trick in the book was used to keep me at home but eventually she gave up and we seperated, My lover was manipulative, using tears, mood swings, tantrums always blaming me, it was a delight to read Mona's article and realise I was being manipulated by an adolescent who needs a figure head but then gets comfortable uneough to cheat and bully me with threats of not seeing my daughter, God I hope i meet someone who loves me but is an adult.

Reading these stories makes me feel both compassion and angst. My last relationship was over 3 years ago and since that time I have steered clear from relationships. Not because I am scared but because it helps to concentrate on yourself sometimes and get clarity to make the best decisions you can for yourself and the ones you love. I certainly don’t have the answers and it hasn’t been easy going it alone. I would say though finding your own contentment, happiness and stability out of a relationship does help immensely. I would say do it for yourself and do it because you want to find the right person and have a healthy relationship. As for those of you in more complicated situations, my heart goes out to you. Find a compromise, somewhere where you can find some stability and for the ones you love.

Rod there are organisations like Relate that may be of help to you, just boucing from relatonship to another is doing nothing but hurting other people and could be seen as selfish as if you have been hurt in the past you could be seen as (although not intentionaly) ‘dishing out’ what life has dealt to you. Robbie

don,t be hard on yourself Evie8 as i spend 20 years and was in three bad relationships before i learnt to listen to my gut instints.It has taken me to my mid forties to get the hang of relationships and i so wish that back than i had the head on my shoulders that i have now.Life teaches you and it,s been said before and i say it again you got to kiss a lot of frogs….

Good comments on here.Ive just split up the second time with my second partner.We have a child together.Its true that when you first meet someone,you can ignore the little things that turn into a big issue 2 or 3 years down the line.A relationship should never make you feel unhappy.I did everything I could to save it but she just didnt want to try.Her loving attitude changed,and she started to take me for granted,and become totally the opposite of what I first met 5 years ago.Its a sad fact of life,but people can and do put on a false front when they first meet.2 3 or 5 years down the line you can suddenly realise she/he just isnt the person you met,and when they dont want to even work at it your onto a dead loser-I was so unhappy in the end im just getting back to building up my self esteem,and finding my identity again.It takes time

I totally agree with Helen. I was married for 18 years and over the last 12 months had been in ill health. My friends and family were extremely worried. I found my husband was having an affair and threw him out when he refused to give her up. Best thing I ever did – although I have a defective heart, my cardiologist no longer has to treat me – my husband was the cause of my ill health. I also think Pete (35) makes a lot of sense – you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

I simply lost myself, that’s how I knew. I woke up one morning, and I was the lowest that I’ve ever been. My self-confidence and my self-worth was gone. Although I kept trying, and trying, and trying, that little voice inside my head wouldn’t let up. . . “not the right one, not the right one.” It would bug the crap out of me when it would speak – “stop it, stop saying that”, I would think. I kept trying to focus on the good qualities, telling myself that it SHOULD feel right, but again, that little voice wouldn’t let up. I started to feel as if I couldn’t be my true self, and I began being criticized for being ME. Listen to that little voice, because it’s all-knowing. I wish I had listened to it 6 years ago, because now it’s done, and time has been wasted. Don’t ever allow anyone to make you lose yourself!

rod – you need to give it your 100% to make the relationship with your wife work for the sake of your children there are too many children growing w/o loving parents, try some self help material on making relationships work – that helped me.

I had a relationship with a divorced guy for 4 years. We lived together very easily and were happy. However there was always a little voice nagging me that something was not right. My parents, my daughter and friends also said he was a pleasant guy but not for me. I so wanted to make it work. He’d been financially disadvantaged when divorced at 54 and came into our relationship with very little and did not work for the 4 years we were together. I picked up the lionesses share of the finances from my savings and lifetime work. When our relationship ended he owed me some monies which he refuses to repay and is now claiming financial support from me through legal system even though we only cohabiteed. I wish I’d listened to that little voice. I was nothing more than an attractive financial provider. Lesson learned. Pre nupt agreement the next time.

Dear Aaron, not even for yourself? It is said that the same thing happening 3 times is a pattern of behaviour, be it positive or negative. It needs some exploring to give you some answers – and hopefully your next relationship will be a happy one!