22 December 2010
How ‘busyness’ is taking over our lives
by eHarmony
How many times have you said ‘No, I’m just too busy...’ and then wished there were more hours in the day? Here’s our guide to slowing down, and finding time to find love.
By Dr. Les and Dr. Leslie Parrott
The very fact that the UK has a ‘Work Your Proper Hours Day’ (February 27th) is symptomatic of our inability to slow down. Sponsors of the day, Work Smart, estimate that UK workers give their employers £26.9 billion in unpaid overtime each year. And that level of busyness doesn’t account for everything else we feel we have to shoehorn into our lives.
We are expected to find time to go to the gym, cook delicious meals from scratch (because they’re healthier), have numerous different hobbies to make us into well rounded people, all while running a great and varied social life. And if you’ve got children, it becomes even more complicated.
But it’s not a question of how busy you are (we know that) but what you’re busy at. Here are a few ways to start taking some of that time back:
Take things slower
We know this seems very obvious as a cure for busyness, but making a conscious effort to go slower can really help. Here’s an exercise: close your eyes and count to 15. Did you do it? If you didn’t, are you seriously saying you didn’t have 15 seconds to spare today? For something more challenging, try to remove all watches and clocks from your workspace tomorrow (and yes, it is possible to hide your computer clock). It’ll be a bit nerve-racking at first but you should soon slow down.
Examine secondary gains from being busy
Being constantly busy often has secondary gains. Basically this means our busyness can allow us to do certain things, or mask certain emotions that we would otherwise confront. For example, do you find yourself relieved when you can claim you’re too busy to see an acquaintance you’re not that bothered about? Or have you been keeping yourself busy to avoid dealing with the pain of a break up? Maybe it allows you to forget that mounting credit card bill?
The only way you can tackle your busyness is by confronting the secondary gains you’re also receiving. For example, if you use busyness as an excuse for not being able to meet a partner – as many do – recognise that and make a vow to get set up with a friend or join a dating website. But remember, the only way you can really confront this is by being brutally honest with yourself.
Stop handing out emotional leftovers
When our busy lives leave us exhausted or distracted, it is those closest to us that get the least attention. In these cases our families and closest friends end up with our emotional leftovers, which won’t sustain any relationship forever. If you find yourself spending the whole day talking but cannot summon up the energy to talk to your partner when you get home in the evening, you should recognise the balance needs to be redressed.
Learn to say no
Many people find it impossible to say that simplest of words: ‘no’. Saying no can make you feel like a failure, like you’re not living up to people’s expectations, and greatly contributes to the state of busyness. But in reality, saying no is a very exhilarating thing to do as it frees up your time and makes people understand that you are not that person who always works a bit later, or who’ll willingly look after other people’s children at the drop of a hat. If you’re someone who can’t say ‘no’ write a list of all the things you’d like to say no to. Then discuss them with someone you know well – they’ll probably offer a fresh perspective on what you can really say no to.
The takeaway
If you’re a busy person, chances are you’ll have read this quickly and you might put actually acting upon it to the back of your mind. So, at some point today after reading this work out what it is that makes you busy, and which four areas of your life suffer from your busyness. Whether it’s your job putting pressure on your relationship, or your inability to say no stopping you from having any spare time, make sure you’re not too busy to work out why you’re so busy.
This article is based on an article written by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. They are the authors of Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Your Time-Starved Marriage and the Love Talk.
1
Costas T
2 January 2011 23:06
I do agree with alot of things written here, especially by being brutally honest with yourself about why your so busy, as most people are busy because they want to be not because they are forced into it. If they are doing overtime for extra money… Its a necessary sacrifice to get the things you want, however it may hurt loved ones as when you fail to reply or make contact people do usually assume the worst.
As for Hiding the clock in your office slowing time down? Disagree on that one. Try this for a little experiment if you want your working day to whizz by insaneley quickly. Works better if you have microsoft outlook aswell.
Rip a tiny a bit of paper and cover the clock on the computer monitor (or right click and hide if you have the option) If you’ve got another clock popping up somewhere else then a bit of bluetack solves that issue!
Set up Reccuring oppointments in your Microsoft outlook. For break/lunch/meets etc. At the start of your working week. This will make a box flash up when its time for lunch etc. without you ever realising the time. At first it will be very frustrating because like me you probably look at the clock alot more than you think. It will feel weird and strange for a few days, but once your used to it. Your 8 hour shifts will barely feel like 5 hours. After i tried this i could easily pull off back to back 12 and even 13 hour shifts without any problems. Time seriously flies.
Which lets you come home in a more emotionally friendly mood and not exhausted because you’ve just done a 8 hour shift that felt like 10 hours.
Dont Whine… just cover up the time!
2
Dating Savvy
16 May 2011 15:52
In my opinion, one of the biggest problems these days – everyone is always so busy! Presumably trying to reach for the vision of perfection we all see in the media on a daily basis.
Loved the 15 second test. No, I didn’t have time to complete it either! I also speed read the entire article despite having more time on my hands than most!
I suspect the authors are right and most people won’t even dedicate a few minutes to consider the points made, let alone take the steps neccessary to make better use of their time. Most of them will be too busy!
A short article simply can’t do this topic justice. I haven’t read any of the authors books but I can recommend the ’80/20 principle’ by richard koch if you are really interested in ‘freeing up’ time.
As for the covering up the clocks idea, I can’t help feeling that if you are in the right job, you won’t need this trick!