7 June 2011
4 things you can learn from your ex
by eHarmony
Life is all about learning. We learn from the moment we’re born, right through to the day we die. And yes, we even learn from our exes. Not convinced? Here are 4 things we know you’ve learnt from your past romances.
There’s little more emotionally painful than the end of a relationship. And the irony is that while we want to forget everything that happened something inside us wants us to relive everything that happened in the break-up in order to make some sense of the whole thing.
But, there are lessons we can learn from every relationship. In fact, focusing on these lessons can help ease the pain and better our future relationships. If you’re ready, then maybe it’s time to discover the four things your ex can teach you.
You learn what you really want (and what you really don’t want)
When you split from a partner, especially if the break-up wasn’t amicable, the easiest thing to learn is what you DON’T like in a relationship. Whether it was that they were rude to your friends or never remembered your birthday, these traits are important.
This is why we ask you to consider your Must Haves and Can’t Stands when you join eHarmony. After all, if something annoyed you about an ex, why get into a relationship with someone who will do the same thing again? What’s important though is to work out what genuinely annoyed you, and what was just mildly irritating. If your list of ‘Can’t Stands’ is as long as your arm, you might have a hard time finding a new partner to fit the bill!
Once you’ve figured out what you don’t like, you can move more easily onto what you DO want in a partner. Maybe you want someone who’s financially stable, or someone who likes to keep physically fit. As ever though, don’t get bogged down in the little things; there’s no such thing as perfection.
You learn about what really matters
When we’re little we imagine we’re going to become astronauts, rock stars or the Prime Minister. Then, as we grow up, most of us get a reality check and learn to be happy with a less idealised career. The same happens in relationships. When we’re younger, we have an idea of our ideal man or woman. Maybe he’s a mysterious dark haired musician who travels the world without a care. Maybe she’s a petite red headed barrister who won’t take no for an answer.
Whatever you think constitutes your ideal man or woman, time – and our past relationships – tells us that really there is no such thing. Whether someone is tall, short, blond or brunette, rich or poor, doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they ‘get’ you, and accept you for who you are. Many of us have dated that ‘ideal’ person only to find that when you’re sat at home on the sofa watching Dad’s Army repeats on a Sunday afternoon, the stuff you thought was important really isn’t.
You learn more about you
Above everything else, your exes help you learn even more about yourself. You inherently know your own strengths and weaknesses but within a relationship the game changes; a new depth of knowledge is created. In a serious relationship your partner gets to know you better than anyone else in the world. They see you at your best – and your worst.
Think back to the arguments you used to have with your ex. What did they throw back at you? Was it that you were too picky? Too passive? Too grumpy? Whatever it was, the chances are that they had a point. Those thoughts have to come from somewhere in order to be vocalised, and while we often say things in the heat of the moment that we don’t mean to, it doesn’t mean they’re not true.
Of course, insults that are spoken purely in anger don’t count, but consider the other stuff said when you were disagreeing. Thinking your ex might have had a point? Good. You now get to go forward with full knowledge of your flaws and become an even better partner in your next relationship.
You learn to give yourself a break
By taking a step back and analysing (but not over-analysing!) your exes, you can gain perspective. You may have dated the unavailable girl when you weren’t ready for a relationship, or the safe, comfortable guy after a particularly messy break-up. Whatever happened, those relationships defined certain times of your life, and you’ll have learnt something from each one.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and helps us realise that things tend to happen for a reason. There’s no reason to beat yourself up about past relationships, as they’re all part of the learning curve – and looking back only helps you see how far you’ve come.
1
stoney
18 June 2011 17:00
I could not agree more with the comments above, the idea of going back to your relationships and sitting down and listing the throw back comments and let’s face it many of them are home truths, Then sit down and list them into two columns titled “can I change” or “do I want to change” this will help with future matches
2
graham
21 June 2011 09:43
all true but what if you had a very good marriage money cars houses flats abroad everything you want then cancer comes along and takes her away every things gone its then 3 1/2 years later and you still miss her how do you get past that as to be fair to someone new ill Wait for your comments
3
Linda
21 June 2011 10:19
Graham sorry for your loss. Perhaps better not to try to get over her. I think chances are you may always miss her. Perhaps better not to try and replace her/what you had. Just be open to something new. But be sensitive with your something new as nobody wants to live in somebody else’s shadow. Process may be trial and error, hope you get the balance right over time.
4
graham
21 June 2011 20:18
thank you linda i know it would be different with some one new and i don’t want to replace her with the same that would be creepy sorry read the above and felt sorry for my self just a crap day? things will get better im sure .
5
Christine
23 June 2011 08:57
Graham,
Over the last few months I have met up with 2 men who were widowed and both said they were ready for a new relationship after around 4 years. Funny how 3-4 years seems to be the tipping point.
However, a lot of the conversation centered around their loss and how much they missed their wives although I don’t think either of them realised that.
As I am divorced I have not experienced what they had and so I think maybe it is better that I only date men who like me, left a relationship that wasn’t working rather than have it taken away.
6
katherine
25 June 2011 10:16
I have been a member now for nearly three months and have only had replies from widowers. I didn’t think this mattered, but reading Christine’s comment above, it is making me think again. I have met and corresponded with several widowers and with some it is clear there is a space in their lives to be filled! And who fills it is less important (and always will be) than the person who left! I also think it is possible that the person who left becomes more and more perfect with every passing moment, so another woman can never be as important. Someone tell me I am wrong???
7
graham
26 June 2011 12:13
hello christine if poss can you elaborate on funny how 3-4 ? i was just going through the site and come across this bit read it and all that just came out i do not usually talk about it and if asked keep it short .if you don’t mind me saying so .i would not get involved with a divorced women because all the baggage xs i mean and weather they could give 100% as i did for 33 years trust is every thing thats what you got to have and never give up
8
Jackie
1 July 2011 23:49
Hi Graham,
It is time to move on of cause with fond
memories of cause of your life before which no one can ever change. But life is for living I am a divorced women prehaps with a little baggage but no one is perfect. Prehaps I have not just met my soul mate yet. Please give divorced women another thought because they can and do have alot of empathy love and compassion to give and just like you are looking for true love.
Best Wishes
9
Maddy
2 July 2011 14:07
Graham, The end to any significant relationship, through differences or death, involves some sort of grieving process. All of us are prone to perfect or vilify the people who have come in and out of our lives. Its natural reaction to loss. For me it was realising this that enabled me to come to a point where I could be realistic and truthful in my memory of relationships. Even people you love deeply had their annoying moments, and even people who turned out to be bad news, had their redeeming qualities. What was annoying in one partner, you might not even notice in another. All you need to work out is at what point you are ready to engage with a personality that will inevitably be different from your wife. Most people have no problem with a part of your heart forever reserved for someone gone- but no one can tolerate the living coming second. Only you will ever know when you are there, and that may involve a few mis-matched encounters along the way. Give yourself a break. Most people will be honest if they feel they are being asked to live in a shadow. You probably wont even be aware you are doing it! We all have baggage too, no one here is unique in that, and none of us should be categorised by it. have you though perhaps, rather than rarely talking about it, you should actually make time and space to talk about this to someone? Without a Psychologist, I wouldn’t have had a much needed arena to speak my fears, and move on to something just as valuable, just as unique- just very different. Sincerely all my best Graham.
10
liz
4 July 2011 14:07
Hi Graham, I’m also a widow, and because of the exact same reasons as you. You need to remember that people are all different. I lost my husband 9 years ago and know that i will always love him for who and what he was inside as a person, but I also loved the next long term man in my life for who and what he is too. Everyone is different and they all have different qualities about them that you can love. To be honest , it would be really unhealthy for you to go out and find a clone of your late wife because nobody can ever replace her. You loved her for 1 reason but you can also love another woman for another reason too. I still love my late husband to this day because I cared enough about him to have married him in the first place, love doesn’t just stop when they unfortunately pass away, it will always stay with you. But you do need to find another person with which you can carry on living life with and start making new memories that you can remember together. Just remember though, that a good woman is a good woman whatever they look like, which means they have qualities that are worthy of you loving them for.
11
Mal
5 July 2011 01:26
Hi all – Graham, you are right and realistic, Maybe you need to wait a little longer, maybe you are missing more the lifstyle and the companionship, not ready for someone new. I’m a widow of 8 years, losing my darling husband to cancer far too early.After 4 years alone I met a lovely man and fell deepy in love, in a different way but wonderful none the less. Sadly he was a widower of less than a year and had not left enough time, he was just full of guilt and had his demons. We had 4 great years together, but it all ended as he couldn’t cope. I wish you luck and hope you find some peace and a new love in time. I’m sure it’s out there for all of us, but it’s all about fate x
12
graham
7 July 2011 16:03
hello all Ive been on this site for a few months as i said above it was just a bad day as medical cock up is going to court very soon about my wife i have been though every stage of emotion as i say just one of those days if i didn’t feel i could give 100 % to someone new i would not be on here thanks for all your comments graham
13
Katherine
8 July 2011 15:08
Hi Graham,
I have just read your comment and wanted to say that it must be a tough time for you and my thoughts are with you.
14
graham
8 July 2011 16:18
hello Katherine yes my wife did have faults as did i but I’m not going to make the same mistakes again if i do find someone else nothing is going to be to much trouble .iv never been more clear about that than anything else in my life .so Katherine I’m going to say that your wrong in a good way that is regards graham
15
Alexandra
10 July 2011 11:26
Graham, you had a good relationship for 33 years, you should cherish that, sure that would be enough for most people. Maybe you should get a dog as a companion and live a a happy rest of your life as a singleton. See this as a new and different beginning. Being single isn’t the end of the world.
16
graham
14 July 2011 14:28
alexander thanks but ony 54 not ready for naks yard just yet thanks graham
17
Kathie
17 July 2011 13:26
Hi Graham,
I went on a dating site, for a few months hoping to meet that someone, which I thought would be the way forward for me, after my break up, We all have baggage, the main thing is that both sides have dealt with there’s, and are ready to move on. The best relations are made up by being friends first, that way you get to now each other better, without the expectations of it turning into something to soon, but having some one there when you need them, and you will now if they are honest and true, and like you for you, and if it will work with them. Nobody thinks you should be alone, no one should.
Oh, and by the way, having a dog, is the best way of meeting new people when you go out and about with them, for walks, to the pub, you’ll find that people really do speak to you, as they see you having something common.
18
laura
17 July 2011 22:06
All comments are very interesting. I have been dating a widower and it has all gone pearshaped as I definitely was living in her shadow. According to him it was an “idyllic marriage”. It is very difficult to compete with this and hence why it has now ended. All I would say is to widowers please do not idealise your wives – no one is perfect. Also people get divorced for all sorts of reasons in my case my husband was an alcoholic and I supported him through this for 10 years (33 years of marriage)but enough is enough. I have so much love to give and just because I am divorced does not make me a bad person.
19
John
21 July 2011 18:30
Hi Graham,
Only you know when you are ready to move on. I lost my wife of 22 years to cancer. I do not agree with people saying 3 to 4 years to get over a loss. That may be true for some people. I loved her deeply and still do and always will but in my case one month passed I felt ready to take on the world of dating. I know this will shock many out there but over the last 11 years I have mourned her loss so many times at each stage of the illness that her death, which she had wanted for so long, was a release for her an myself. I am not after help or sympathy just to say Graham, only you know how you feel and when you are ready.
John.
20
John
21 July 2011 18:50
Hi katherine,
Sorry you had bad experiences with widowers on this site. Just be careful that you don’t let those cases colour your view of other widowers. We are all different and deal with our past in different ways. I am sure some divorcees and some widowers carry baggage but many have managed to deal with it and are ready to move on. Judge each potential dater on their own merit.
Hmm, 2 posts in a row, analyse that.
John.
21
Jaqui
24 July 2011 00:43
You Know John,
Its been a pleasure to read your comments, life’s far far to short, and our loved ones passed or present, would not want us to be sad! if only there where more Johns in the world, it would be a better place to be.
So guys and girls get your act together and stop messing people about if your not in a position to move on, its not fair to make a new relationship suffer from your sadness, we are all here for a real relationship, which means that we want to be happy, with a proper friendship, companion and not having to be picked up and put down, because one of us isn’t really ready, and being honest with themselves.. So I think we are all saying the same thing to Graham
22
jo
24 July 2011 11:54
I agree everyone deals with a breakup different like a death its time that is the healer. I recently split up with my boyfriend and moved to live with him in his country and im devastated to be back in the UK and i miss him terribly and the life style we had.. to me its like a death ill never see him or have contact from him again only he doesn’t want too. Also like you said there are always dislikes and likes that when you live with someone you get to know them better but in my case I don’t know what he didn’t like about me he just wanted to end the relationship because of many things he didn’t like about me and what i did which i well never know ..I find that really hard to except and im still not accepting the split and don’t sleep very well i am anxious every day and live in hope of him contacting me again but its a dream that will never come true I wish i had answers from him so i could move on …jo