26 September 2012
Are you a commitment phobe?
by Fran Creffield
Do you struggle to get past the first couple of months with someone? Does the mention of exclusivity, meeting their family or moving in together send shivers down your spine? If so it could be that you are a commitment phobe – read on to find out more.
A commitment phobe is someone who struggles to make a commitment particularly in intimate relationships. It may seem to be totally irrational – you really love the person you are with; get on great; can see a future with them but as soon as you feel yourself being pulled in the direction of a lasting commitment something powerful holds you back and you start to feel:
Like you’ve got itchy feet – as if there are other possibilities just around the corner and if you tie yourself down to this one person you may miss out on a fantastic opportunity somewhere else. Other people and possibilities start to seem much more attractive.
Irritable – the very person that you loved so much last week becomes intensely irritating, specifically little things like the way they dress – their personal habits that used to seem cute and endearing now drive you crazy. Your mind is in a negative spin and before long everything becomes so irritating it is so painful that you feel that you have no choice but to leave.
Negative – in your head you start to trash everything about the relationship – they don’t really understand you; your tastes are too different; sex might be better with someone else – every part of you seems tuned into collecting evidence to prove that this relationship is no good for you (or your partner) and you would be better off on your own or with someone else. This can make you feel bad because your partner has no idea of the negativity that is going on in your head and strangely you feel like you don’t want to share it because that might mean the problems could be sorted out and you feel that you need to leave.
The basis of all of this is FEAR – fear of commitment. The good news is that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are with the wrong person and should break up with them – it would be far better to stay and face the fear. If you don’t work it out in this relationship it is just going to come up again in the next one.
The fear could come from many sources. Maybe you have issues from childhood as a result of parenting that was not stable or emotionally supportive. Perhaps you have been hurt in the past by someone who you committed to completely and they abused your trust or maybe you have feelings of low self worth and believe that if you get deeper into the relationship the person will see the ‘real you’ and won’t love you any more so you jump before you are pushed.
There are many reasons why someone becomes a commitment phobe and for those worst affected the fear of being tied down, even to a date, can make them feel claustrophobic and trapped.
Some of the most obvious signs that you are commitment phobe are:
- You sabotage good relationships for the smallest of reasons.
- As soon as you start thinking negatively about the relationship it seems to careen out of control and before you know it you have already left in your head.
- You hate to be tied down – you say yes to things but as soon as you are committed you try to find reasons not to do them.
- You are flaky about timekeeping and get defensive when you are challenged.
- You only ever have short term relationships that start off very intense and passionate but go cold overnight.
- You are very busy and often over-committed leaving little time for your relationship
- You feel lonely and desperately want to be with someone but don’t trust your own feelings because it all can turn so quickly.
- You often fall in love with people who are unattainable.
What to do
Like any other emotional problem that affects your relationships it can be very difficult to overcome on your own and in cases where this has happened repeatedly and become a pattern it is a good idea to seek professional help to find out what is going on.
If you decide to tackle it on your own some useful things to try are:
- When you start thinking negatively about the relationship each day write down 5 things you appreciate about your partner until the negativity passes.
- Talk about how you are feeling either with a close friend or family member
- Make small commitments and keep them – try to be 5 minutes early for dates, go away for weekends and don’t let yourself be rushed along too quickly.
- Tell your partner you have a fear of commitment but that you are willing to change, they are sure to understand and hopefully together you will be able to work it through.
1
Olivia
16 October 2012 00:25
Some people are so scared of changing that they will just keep going round in the same destructive way and the problem is that they hurt people along the way. Hopefully some will read your article and try to help themselves otherwise they will end up very sad and lonely.
2
Mike P.
12 November 2012 06:01
@ Olivia:
I just ended up having girl I was seeing break up with me because she said she’s not ready to have a relationship with anyone. We’d only been seeing each other for about 6 weeks so I didn’t think that we’d reached the point where we should discuss being in a committed relationship. We hadn’t even discussed what we’d want out of a relationship yet. We were just getting to know each other and enjoying spending time together. Previously I’d learned from her that she was about ready to give up on men altogether, that all of her relationships were bad, and ironically she even thanked me for not giving up on her and told me that I’d made her believe that not all men were bad. Even when breaking up, all she did was tell me how wonderful I was and how well I’d treated her, but that she needed to love herself and that she wanted to be by herself. So naturally I suspected that this was BS because who would break up with a guy who they say was so wonderful? I told her that she didn’t need to tell me that to make me feel better and to just tell me the truth. She insisted that it was the truth and began to sound irritated when I asked her how she changed her mind so fast after we had just made another date only 3 days before? She honestly never said anything about not being sure if she wanted to keep seeing me or voice any concerns about anything I did or said. So I was hurt and angry and confused, but I told her that I’d respect her decision and, upon her suggestion, I would keep her in my life as a friend, but I was clear to her that I couldn’t be platonic with her. I told her that we should just check in from time to time and see how each other is doing. The problem is that not only is that sort of behavior going to hurt a lot of guys who have a genuine interest in her, but it’s also going to tend to make them (and me) less likely to trust women, to feel more cynical towards women, etc.
3
BJ DUKE DC SS JON
24 November 2012 15:22
After spending the longest period of my life to date on my own physically. I met a women in June of 2012. We had twelve weeks together. It was seventh heaven in my eyes. I fell in love bold over by her. Physical perfection together. She is no longer in my life now! Be very careful with your heart! I miss her almost to the point of an illness.
4
Sarah
12 February 2013 17:45
To the two lovely men who have been hurt by women with commitment issues, my suggestion is you send them this article. Chances are it is not about wanting to be available and deep rooted fear.
I’m really afraid of being hurt and disappointed. I’ve now on eharmoney as my desire to experience the great stuff about being in a relationship is greater than the fear. Time to have some intimacy and love.
I was really stressed a work recently and was referred for therapy. The best thing I’ve ever done. I always thought my lack of relationship history was due to “knowing what I’m looking for” being “independant” and not wanting to get hurt emotionally. Simple.
Well turns out being raised in a house where I witnessed my father beat my mum has made me afraid of falling in love in case he ends up being violent and I’m too in love to leave. Obvious, but it had never occured to me. Now that I’ve identified the issue. I can work on it.
Wrt to the women you’ve described, if you still have strong feeling and you’re happy to be friends whilst they confront and actively seek to change thier behaviour, you could get your happy ending. I’d suggest you send them this article, be non judgmental and let them know you still care. Then it’s up to them.
So nice to know there are so many sweet and emotionally open men out there. Hope you find love soon.
Sx