22 October 2012
Should you tell on a cheater?
by Fran Creffield
Knowing someone is a cheat is uncomfortable whether you know their partner or not but is it ever your place to expose them?
There are many different scenarios when it comes to the question of cheating but what do you do if you discover that someone you know is conducting an affair when they are already committed to someone else? There are few more difficult moral dilemmas and at the end of the day you will need to do what feels right to you. In order to discover what that is here are some things to bear in mind.
Is the cheater a friend’s partner?
There’s little worse than discovering your friend’s partner is a cheat. It places you in a horrible position where you risk losing your friendship whichever course of action you decide to take. If you say nothing every time you see them together you will probably feel uncomfortable. If they are making plans to get married or have children it can be even worse because your loyalty to your friend will make you want to raise the red flag and stop him or her from making a terrible mistake.
If you expose the cheat and your friend is in love with them you may not be believed and it could be perceived that you are jealous or vindictive and only trying to spoil their relationship.
Cheaters tend to be very good at deception; so good that they even begin to believe their own lies (DENIAL = Don’t Even kNow I Am Lying) but their partners can be suffering from denial too – they know that something is wrong but they don’t want to admit it and may be angry with the person who forces them to see the truth.
How did you discover this person was a cheat? If it is because they made a play for you then your friend is likely to feel jealousy as well as hurt and betrayal. If it is because you have seen them with someone else make sure you have your facts straight before you say anything at all – is there any chance you could be mistaken?
Is the cheater someone you met online?
Unfortunately, some people will try to online date when they are still in a relationship. Sometimes they are genuinely looking for a new relationship and don’t have the courage to leave the old one until a new one has been formed but there will also be people who lead a double life and enjoy the thrill of dating while still maintaining their other relationship.
In either case they will have started from a place of dishonesty – someone who openly declared they were married would be unlikely to attract many dates – people who want a committed, monogamous relationship will usually steer well clear of anyone who still has emotional ties elsewhere.
If someone is listed as ‘single’ on their eHarmony profile and you discover this is a lie then you may feel compelled to warn other members so that they don’t fall for their deception. The best course of action is to call customer support, who will investigate immediately. It is in the interests of everyone for us to know if someone is deliberately misrepresenting themselves.
Who’s to say?
The majority of people who have discovered their partner was cheating on them say that they wish someone had told them – they often had suspicions but just needed something concrete to support them before they could make the final step and leave. Whenever they confronted the cheater they were met with a wall of denial, excuses and often ended up questioning their own judgement, or even sanity – they were sure something was going on but were constantly told otherwise. Someone exposing the truth could have saved them from years of unhappiness and uncertainty even if it was painful to hear the truth.
People who have never been in this position are more likely to advise you to mind your own business. This is because personal relationships are so fragile and we are socialised to turn the other way when we see emotional pain in others. No-one wants to be the bearer of bad news but holding secrets is no more comfortable for most of us.
Check your motives
At the end of the day you need to decide what course of action feels most comfortable to you. One way of finding out is to ask yourself what your motives are for whatever you decide to do. If it is to protect, honour, show respect or love someone you will probably feel fine about your decision whatever it is. If, however it is to expose, humiliate, retaliate or hurt someone then even if you do the right thing your motives will have been wrong and it will probably backfire on you.
1
Greet
9 December 2012 13:47
I think if you really want to ‘tell’ maybe you could confront the cheater, tell him/her that you know about it, in a non-judgmental manner (we’re all human beings). If it was a single mistake, they might face it and confess or at least stop doing it. I feel that is much better than telling the victim and cause pain and problems in a relationship (it WILL be your fault and even if the partners don’t blame you, you might find that you feel so guilty yourself)
Whichever way, cheating is wrong and seeing someone else doing it makes one think and know that you should never do that yourself.
Greet
2
Steve
27 March 2013 21:08
I had a dilemma once where the person cheating was my friend. His girlfriend was a really nice, sweet girl, and I hated having to see her, sometimes eating across from her when we all went out as a group, knowing my mate was cheating on her the whole time. I didn’t say anything and hated myself for it.
3
Maria Perez
17 May 2013 01:17
My first cousin sister whom I am close to told me she cheated on her husband with her ex who also happens to be married with kids. I told her she needed to tell her husband whom I am very close to and who has been a very good brother-in-law. They have two kidz as well. After a week and her avoiding it I saw her husband at school and told him to have a talk with his wife. He immediately said she’s cheating on me huh? I avoid the question by simply stating you need to talk to your wife.
Unsure what happened but he left the house and kept contacting me to tell him what I know. My cousin and her mom and sister advised me to not say anything and keep out if it and let the husband and wife talk yet clearly my cousin continues to lie and hide it for fear of losing the financial support.
Now everyone in their family blames me for just telling him to go talk to his wife and with him leaving due to past suspicions and probably fights about other things I feel horrible and almost wish I hadn’t even said a simple ‘you need to talk to your wife’.
I don’t care about breaking ties as they all have broken ties with me because I didn’t help them hide this and would much rather brand me as the bad one trying to breakup their family and put them in a financial bind yet the part that hurts the most is being treated like the bad guy when I wasn’t the one who cheated to my husband. Not to mention they have had a rough marriage from the beginning and nothing but fights since they got married about 10 years ago! I hate cheaters cuz not only do they take no responsibilities but in this case put me in a bad spot and they are mad at me????