It’s all too easy to let years slip by without anything memorable happening and when you start dating you can feel like nothing exciting or interesting has ever happened in your life. Make 2012 the year when you set yourself some personal challenges so you have plenty to talk to your dates about. Here are some suggestions to get you started.

Do something for charity
There are hundreds of different ways that you can get involved in raising money for a charity. Choose a charity that has some personal meaning for you or a cause you particularly want to support. You don’t have to commit loads of time or money to be able to help. You could give as little as an hour helping in a soup kitchen or as much as a regular weekly commitment helping as a volunteer; you could run a marathon or grow a moustache – collecting sponsorship for a one off event is now much easier now that most charities use the online facility JustGiving which keeps track of donations and collects them on your behalf.

Set yourself a physical challenge
We all have something physical we would like to learn whether it’s dancing the tango or learning to skate. No matter what your age or health it is possible to find a physical challenge that is realistic and attainable and it will make you feel great about yourself if you achieve it. Taking a walk every day, learning to juggle or pilates, meditation or kickboxing – whatever it is make sure it is out of your normal comfort zone and requires you to learn to do something new with your body. We all spend so much time in our heads that we can forget that our body needs stimulation too. You can give yourself added motivation by making it a challenge you do for a good cause and in that way you will also have a set target in mind like running a marathon or taking part in a sponsored bike ride.

Stimulate your mind
Do something that requires effort thought and concentration. This could be learning to play chess, reading War and Peace or learning a new language. The brain is a muscle and it will get stronger and more agile the more it is challenged. There are loads of brain training games and activities available on games consoles and smart phones as it is recognised that we need to exercise our mind as much as our body. Mastering a new skill like learning a language, will not only make you feel good about yourself but you will feel the benefit of it in other areas of your life as your thinking becomes quicker and clearer.

Take an emotional risk
Do you know how to ask for what you want? If not maybe your challenge in 2012 could be learning to be more emotionally honest in all your relationships. A lot of the time we do things that we feel we should rather than because we want to. We may be so busy trying to make other people happy that we forget about our own happiness and emotional needs.

Many people find it much easier to be honest about their positive feelings – ‘I love you’; ‘thank you for being there for me’, etc. but much harder to express the more negative feelings like ‘That hurt me’; ‘Please don’t do that’, or ‘I feel jealous when that happens’. People who struggle in this way often swallow down their feelings of hurt and anger and then end up either flying into a rage when it all gets too much or become depressed – the consequence of anger turned inwards. Learning an emotional vocabulary, and being brave enough to express your feelings, is empowering for you as well as inspiring for those around you as, in effect, it gives them permission to be more emotionally honest too.

Much of what we do in life is habitual. We do most things on autopilot and our habits, good and bad, make us who we are. The key is controlling them. If you know how to change your habits, then even a small effort can create big changes in your life and confidence. Here are some tips to get you started.

Write it down

Don’t just think about making a change, commit it to paper. This does two things. First, it creates clarity by defining in specific terms what your change means. Second, it keeps you committed since it is easy to dismiss a thought, but harder to dismiss a promise printed in front of you.

21 days                                                                                                                              

Experts say it takes about 21 days for a new activity to become a habit, and 6 months for it to become part of your personality. Choose the one habit that you most want to change, the one that makes you feel unhealthy, unattractive or generally uncomfortable with who you are. By telling yourself that you are only going to do it for 21 days, one day at a time, you have a much better chance than if you tell yourself you are giving it up forever. You will be surprised at how quickly the days add up.

Learn to resist the cravings                                                                                             

Habits can be broken more easily if you understand the process that creates them. We usually go back to an unhealthy habit because we give into cravings. Cravings are like a wave, they rise to a peak, and then fall. This happens whether you yield to the urge or not, though most people believe that their craving will escalate endlessly unless they give in. In fact, succumbing to cravings only reinforces them, resisting, in contrast, reinforces resistance. Watch the urge rise, peak and fall and see how easy it becomes to ride them, one at a time. The more you ride the more confident you will become, just like a surfer.

Another trick is to recognize that willpower is like a muscle; it gets stronger the more it is used but ultimately weakens if overloaded. That’s why it is better to set short-term realistic goals rather than trying to change everything at once.

Complete abstinence

Sometimes we think that cutting down on things will be easier than giving it up altogether but actually complete abstinence is often easier than perfect moderation. If we cut down on something it is more likely that we will be reinforcing the habit in the long term because the thing – cigarette, chocolate bar etc. will become more valued as we look forward to having it again rather than coping with the cravings and eventually breaking the habit.

Replace lost needs

Whenever we give up a bad habit, to have the very best chance of succeeding we need to replace it with something otherwise we will be left feeling like there is a void in our lives and will be more likely to give in to cravings. If you stop smoking take up something that you can do with your hands – knitting, crosswords – playing angry birds on your iphone – whatever it is do that when you feel a craving. If it is food you are trying to control replace unhealthy snacks with healthy ones wherever you can.

Get some support

Tell everyone you know what you are trying to do. Surround yourself with friends who can also be role models. Make sure that people you spend time with are people who look and act the way you would like to. Social imitation is the easiest form, not only of flattery, but of self-improvement. If you can find someone who also wants to break a bad habit you can be a valuable source of support and encouragement for each other.

Reward yourself

Rewarding yourself is an important way of staying motivated. A good idea is to put the money you are saving in a jar to buy, or do, something special at the end of the 21 days. Rewards don’t have to be things, they can be tickets to a gig, a trip to a spa etc. make sure it is something you really want and wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford as that will increase your motivation.

The thrill of succeeding in breaking a bad habit will not only improve your health and your confidence but also all your relationships as you begin to feel really good about yourself. Good luck.

It can seem as though others have all the luck. They are lucky in love, get the big breaks and are always having amazing adventures. The good news is that you too can become one of those people simply by developing a more positive way of interacting with the world. Here are some simple strategies to help you make 2012 your best year yet.

Live your own life
If you are constantly trying to be the person others want you to be you are cheating yourself out of your own dreams. What do you want out of life? A good way to find out is to look at where you want to be in five years time. Look at every aspect of your life – work, relationships, hobbies, health, where you live and what you do with your spare time. Really put some time and effort into this exercise, some people like to get a large sheet of paper and map it all out, finding pictures in magazines of their ideal home etc. Once you are clear where you want to be plan your daily routine to include at least one or two elements that bring your goals closer.

What did you learn?
We cannot always control what happens to us but we do have choices about how we respond to it. The people we really admire in society often aren’t those who have never had any suffering, it is those who have been through terrible ordeals and emerged smiling and grateful that they are still alive.

When you look back over your life, and everything that has happened to you, you can choose to see yourself as a victim or as a survivor. All the heartache, pain and suffering you have experienced helped to make you the person you are today. By starting to view it differently you have a much better chance of coming to terms with even the most traumatic events and making your future different from your past.

Forgive and forget
Forgive the person but not the act. Whoever has hurt you, whatever they did, however unjustified, cruel and unfair it was holding onto it is only going to hurt you. Having a resentment against someone is like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person will die – it makes you sick and they aren’t affected at all if they are no longer in your life.

Use the New Year as an opportunity to let it all go. Look at the experience and see what positive lessons you learned from it. Forgiving the person doesn’t mean that you condone their behaviour or make it ok it simply means that you become ready to let it go and move on with your life without them living ren- free in your head. Getting rid of any emails, photos or mementos associated with that person, or that period in your life, can really help.

Slow down
When constantly pressed to finish tasks, you can develop a negative attitude towards life. If time is a commodity, figure out how you can manage all your responsibilities more efficiently. Just by rising 15 minutes earlier each day, you will have the time to enter the day at a much calmer pace.

Write a gratitude list
Make a list of all the positive aspects in your life. Include your achievements and positive personality traits. Read the list when you need a mental boost.

Step out of your comfort zone
Sometimes a negative attitude is simply the result of feeling a little jaded and bored of our daily routine. The best ways to counteract this are either to do something that scares you or to learn something new. It doesn’t have to be every day but you can make a commitment to yourself to break your routine whenever you can and do something new that gets your heart racing a little. Going on dates with matches who you wouldn’t normally consider or who live a bit further afield fits the bill perfectly.

Help others
Instead of always thinking what you can get from the world think about what you can give. If you want 2012 to be a rewarding year remember the more you give of yourself to others the greater the rewards.

Every year most of us make one or more New Year’s resolutions which we fail to follow through to spring. This can be disheartening and damage your self-confidence so here are some practical suggestions to help you stick to your resolutions in 2012.

Start with one week
The reason resolutions often fail is because they are unrealistic and quickly begin to feel unattainable. Before making any firm resolutions try to do the following for just one week:

• Take a daily multivitamin supplement
• Don’t drink any alcohol but do drink 2.5 litres water per day
• Get 8 hours sleep every night
• Go for a 30 minute brisk walk every day
• Eat 3 meals a day – breakfast within an hour of waking up and nothing after 8pm at night and try to include plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables
• Cut down on sugar, fat and salt.

This is only for a week which most people can manage. Doing this will give your body a much needed boost which will put you in a better position to think about trying to make any permanent life-style changes.

Start small
Once you have a clear head and rested body choose one thing that would really improve the quality of your life and concentrate on that. Sometimes we think cutting down on things will be easier than giving it up altogether but actually complete abstinence is often easier than perfect moderation. Research shows that in the long term, the pleasure of victory is a better incentive than the agony of defeat. Punishment is a poor motivator. It sets you up for failure. If all you do is punish yourself for failure, you won’t stay motivated to change for very long.

Experts say it takes about 21 days for a new activity, such as exercising, to become a habit, and 6 months for it to become part of your personality. Your new healthful habits will become second-nature in no time. You are more likely to succeed it you concentrate on doing just one day at a time, you will be surprised at how quickly the days add up.

Be mindful
Habits can be broken if you understand the process that creates them. We usually go back to an unhealthy habit because we give into cravings. Cravings are like a wave — they rise to a peak, then fall. This happens whether you yield to the urge or not, though most people believe that their craving will escalate endlessly unless they give in. In fact, succumbing to cravings only reinforces them, resisting, in contrast, reinforces resistance. Watch the urge rise, peak and fall and see how easy it becomes to ride them, one at a time, the more you ride the more confident you will become just like a surfer.

Another trick is to recognize that willpower is like a muscle, it gets stronger with appropriate use but ultimately weakens if overloaded. That’s why it is better to set short-term goals that are moderately difficult, realistic, concrete and measurable. As with weight-lifting, starting at a level that is challenging but not overwhelming can provide a sense of achievement and success which can give you the drive to take on bigger challenges.

Get some support
Don’t keep your resolution a secret. Tell friends and family members who will be there to support your resolve to change yourself for the better or improve your health. The best case scenario is to find yourself someone who shares your New Year’s resolution and motivate each other.

Consciously and unconsciously, people tend to imitate those around them. That’s why the latest research shows that things like happiness, smoking cessation and obesity can spread like a contagion through social networks. So surround yourself with friends who can also be role models. “Make sure that people you hang out with are people who look and act the way you would like to. Social imitation is the easiest form not only of flattery but of self-improvement

Reward yourself
Rewarding yourself along the way is an important way of staying motivated. Don’t reward yourself with anything that contravenes what you are trying to do i.e. don’t buy a big chocolate cake to celebrate a week of not eating sugar – but do plan something else that you will really enjoy like a night out with friends.

The most common mistake people make is giving up entirely is they have one small lapse. Keep trying and 2012 could see an improvement in all your relationships as you begin to feel so much better about yourself.

Christmas is often a time of high emotions, high expectations, and high stakes. We expend a large amount of energy preparing for it and for some of us it is over much too quickly, for others it is a disappointment. Maybe somebody didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas, or you got together with your family and old arguments were dug up. Sometimes people simply eat too much sugar, and that is enough to cause an emotional slump. There are many reasons that people experience post-Christmas blues. Here are some ways to avoid it.

1. Accept things as they are
Often the biggest problem with the post-Christmas slump is caused when we think we shouldn’t be feeling that way – that if it had been a good Christmas we would be entering the New Year feeling uplifted and exhilarated and ready to face every new challenge. More often than not we enter it broke, exhausted and carrying a few extra pounds.

Many people interpret feeling low as a sign that Christmas has been a failure or worse, that they are a failure for not being happy and fulfilled by it. As far as the pendulum swings one way it has to swing back the other way before balance is restored, the same is true of our emotions. If anything, the happier and richer your Christmas was the harder it can be to take down the trimmings and return to ordinary life.

If you accept that feeling low is a natural result of having had a lovely time rather than trying to disguise or deny your feelings, it is likely to pass much quicker.

2. Treat your body like a temple for one week
One of the reasons for a post-Christmas slump is chemical. Too much sugar and alcohol (which turns into sugar in the bloodstream) can leave you feeling ill and depressed. Add to that a few extra pounds round the middle, late nights, lack of exercise and fresh air and it’s no wonder many of us return to work looking like we need a holiday.

To counteract all this people often make extravagant plans to join the gym, lose 20lbs and never drink alcohol or eat cake again. The reason these resolutions often fail is because they are unrealistic and feel unattainable.

Instead of trying to impose such strict limitations for one week try to do the following:
• Don’t drink any alcohol but do drink 2.5 litres water per day
• Get 8 hours sleep every night
• Take a daily multivitamin supplement
• Go for a 30 minute brisk walk every day
• Eat 3 meals a day – breakfast within an hour of waking up and nothing after 8pm at night and try to include plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables
• Cut down on sugar, fat and salt.

This is only for a week which most people can manage. Doing this will give your body a much needed boost which will in turn lift your mood and you will be in a much better position to think about trying to make any permanent life-style changes.

3. Do something for charity
If you are feeling hard done by, lonely or like your self esteem has taken a battering, going and helping people less fortunate than yourself can dispel it all. Contact your local volunteer centre to find out how you could help.

4. Be kind to yourself and those around you
Say thank you for all the gifts given to you. Look at any matches who have been trying to make contact and take the time to reply. If you are feeling irritable and snappy take yourself out for a walk and remember those around you may also be experiencing a post-Christmas slump too, it doesn’t mean they didn’t appreciate everything you did for them.

5. Create some space
Having a good spring clean is also a good way to dispel the blues. It can make you feel focussed and productive and will help you set the stage for your normal routine. Once it is done you will probably feel relieved and ready to welcome your ordinary life.

If you have been single and hope that 2012 will be the year when you would like to welcome a new love into your life it’s good to have an emotional spring clean too. Are you holding onto an old relationship that is stopping you from moving on? If so take some time to clear out the emails, photos, gifts and memories and have a good cry over them if you need to.

Many people find the whole holiday period a bit of a challenge if they are single but New Year can intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation. Here are 12 suggestions to help you take a proactive approach and make sure 2012 starts with you feeling good about yourself and ready to create a future that is different from your past.

1. Stay in and review your year
Gratitude does more to dispel feelings of sadness than any amount of booze or chocolate so look through the past year and all the things that have made it memorable.

2. Bring the party home
If you do really want to party but can’t face going out invite some other single friends over to see the New Year in together. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune or be a big knees up, you could all do your reviews of the year and share them with each other.

3. Do something for charity
Many people help at Christmas but by New Year good will has often been forgotten. If you are feeling hard done by, lonely or like your self esteem has taken a battering, going and helping people less fortunate than yourself will dispel it all. Contact your local church or volunteer centre to find out how you could help.

4. Don’t drown your sorrows
It’s tempting to open a large bottle of alcohol and wallow in your misery but alcohol is a depressant and will no doubt leave you feeling worse than you did before. By all means have a glass or two but be careful, especially when it comes to calling, emailing and texting people when you feel low and a bit squiffy.

5. Start as you mean to go on
How do you want 2012 to be? Take a look at your life and situation and see if there are things you would like to change. Don’t go in for self-assassination; find one thing you could realistically change that would improve your life and focus on that.

6. Be bold
If you have been invited to a party or out somewhere but are holding out on going because you don’t want to go on your own, ask someone to go with you. Maybe you have matches who have shown interest but you have been too shy to make contact. Now is the time to do something different.

7. Say yes
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is say YES to life. We are limited only by our imagination. There is nothing you could do as a couple on New Years that you can’t do on your own if you really want to. Take your life off hold and start living.

8. Examine the possibilities
Realistically what are your choices for how you spend New Year? Are there matches trying to make contact with you that you have dismissed simply because you didn’t like their photo or location? Are there social places right on your doorstep you have never been to? Are you receiving invitations but dismissing them on the grounds that you are single? Sometimes we can think there is nothing to do and no-one to do it with but really we just aren’t looking.

9. Open your mind
Sometimes we get stuck in old ways of thinking and behaving and instead of making conscious choices we are stuck in outdated habits of mind. If you want your life situation to change the chances are that you will have to change, as Gandhi said ‘be the change you want to see in the world’. New Year is a great time to practice being different. See how it feels to go to a party to see what you can give to it rather than what you can get from it.

10. Throw out the old
Nothing new can come into your life until you have cleared space for it and that is true for relationships as much as anything else. New year is a good time to let go of old loves, clear out the emails, photos, gifts and memories and have a good cry over them if you need to.

11. Welcome in the new
Let yourself dream. Where do you want to be one year from now? Make the dream really big, clear and vivid. Write it down and put it somewhere where you can read it next year. Keep it real, achievable and focussed.

12. Fall in love
Make your new years resolution to spread love rather than find love and that means whenever and wherever you can. With a full life and an open heart and mind you are sure to attract more love into your own life too.

People sometimes lose faith in finding love because they seem to be attracted to the ‘wrong’ type of people. Sometimes it can seem as though no matter how hard we try we end up with the same problems but with different people, like magnets that attract the same situation over and over again. Here are some ways to excavate the past to create a different future for yourself.

The common denominator

Look at all your past relationships, write them down if it helps, and ask yourself these questions about each one. What attracted you to the person in the first place? What caused the relationship to end? Were there signs early on in the relationship that there were problems but you ignored them?

Old relationships are never wasted, they are a rich source of information which you can go back over to discover what you could do differently in the future. Be really honest with yourself and try to look at the relationship from an outsider’s point of view. What you are looking for is the similarities between them to see if there is a pattern.

Is the thing that attracts the thing that destroys?

Are you attracted to creative, emotionally unavailable men and then the relationship ends because you don’t get enough attention? Or are you drawn to bright, bubbly women but then fail to get very far because you feel threatened when she flirts with your mates?

Strange as it may seem examples like this are common. It comes about because we are making the mistake of being attracted to a quality in someone that we want for ourselves. For example, we may be drawn to someone who is confident because we have low self esteem. Instead of their confidence rubbing off on us our low self esteem often gets worse because it is experienced in contrast to the other person’s confidence.

Look at the people who have qualities that you find attractive – not just the ones you have had relationships with but also people in the media, friends etc. What is it in them that you find attractive? Then look at yourself and develop those qualities in yourself rather than waiting for someone else to come and make you feel that way.

Don’t fall for someone’s potential

This is the most common mistake that people make in relationships. They meet someone and they fall in love with what they ‘could be’ rather than what they ‘are’ today. They believe that if they love this person enough; give them lots of encouragement, support and everything they need in order to blossom that they will have a wonderful relationship together. Although this often comes from a loving place it is starting a relationship from the basis of wanting to change the other person rather than accepting and loving them as they are. It is a great feeling to be the hero or heroine in another person’s life but it is rarely going to lead to a healthy relationship because the basis of the relationship isn’t equal.

Look in the mirror

When a relationship ends it can be comforting to think it was all the other person’s fault but that attitude is depriving you of the opportunity of finding out what you could do differently next time. Look back through the story of your time together and look at your own behaviour. At what points could you have done something differently? Are you angry with all men/women because of things that have happened in your past? If so now might be the time to get some help if you really want things to change.

Change your mind

Just like any other area of life, relationship choices can become habitual and instinctive. We often dismiss potential matches simply because they don’t conform to an image we have in our head of ‘our type’. Open your mind and heart and start saying ‘yes’ to communication or dates with matches that you would normally dismiss out of hand, you may be pleasantly surprised.

No-one’s fate is fixed in stone, we can all change and grow and even if you have never had a healthy relationship in the past it is no reason that you never will in the future.

Do I look fat? Is my hair ok? Do I have bad breath? I hope they don’t think I’m an idiot. Am I going to sound stupid if I say what’s on my mind?

These are the kind of crippling questions that come up when we are in the grip of self-consciousness. It’s important to remember that we all suffer from self-consciousness to some extent, even people who appear confident and like they have got it all together. The difference is that they have learned to do away with all the little voices and worries that self-consciousness brings. Here we look at some methods to help you do the same.

Get to work on minimising your insecurities
People who are very self-conscious in social situations tend to have insecurities about themselves that they have not resolved, a major one is often their looks. Yes, looks aren’t everything, but they do count. You shouldn’t use the ‘looks aren’t everything’ cop out to prevent you from doing all you can to make yourself feel good in your own skin.  So if you’re overweight and self-conscious about it, try and work to lose the weight. If you’re self-conscious about being skinny, then working out can help build up some bulk (ladies, you can do this without being muscle-bound). Don’t throw your hands up in the air and blame it on genetics. Work on your insecurities and don’t give up.

You’ll find that by taking action toward minimising your insecurities, the degree to which you feel insecure about them will start diminishing. There’s a big difference between not doing anything and always feeling insecure about it, and doing something and gradually feeling less insecure about it till it no longer becomes a problem. One enslaves you, the other frees you.

Nobody really cares unless you care
The chances are that the person you’re interacting with is as nervous, or more nervous, than you are. If you keep on worrying about your own flaws other people are more likely to notice them. People can easily pick up if you are insecure about something when they are interacting with you. If you do your best to minimise your insecurities, you won’t feel so self-conscious about them because you took action. Did you ever have a problem that made you feel really anxious but as soon as you took action on that problem, it didn’t seem that big of a deal in the first place? The same logic applies here. So by taking action you won’t be so self-conscious and care as much and then other people won’t either. If you’re comfortable with yourself, other people will be comfortable with you as well.

Think about other people
Really listen to what they are saying and think about how you can make them feel good about themselves with your reply. Spend time with people who appear confident to find out what they say and do that makes them appear so confident to you. This takes the focus off you and helps you to engage more because you are less preoccupied with your own anxiety.

Be your own best friend
Whenever you start to feel bad about yourself think about what your best friend would say to you if they were there. If it helps you could write a short letter to yourself, highlighting your best qualities and experiences. This is no time to be humble. Let it all out. Include specific examples from your past to back up your claims. Consider this your own motivational pep talk. Memorise it and tell it to yourself whenever you feel self-conscious.

The bigger picture
Have a dream, have a worthy goal you are striving to achieve and  you will soon realise all the stuff you’re worried about is pretty trivial and meaningless. You’ve got better, more important things to do than to worry if the hair on the back of your head is sticking up.

Pursuing a major, definite purpose will help you to not sweat the small stuff. It becomes trivial to you. Wondering 24/7 how other people think of you is a waste of time and energy.

Count your blessings and remember one of the most attractive features of a person is enthusiasm for life not their shape and size.

When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out.
~ by Elizabeth Bowen (1899-1973) ~

Many people spend their lives working, looking after family, keeping fit, and spending time with friends but an often neglected part of life is our creativity. Whether we are creative artists or not, there is a need in each and every one of us to express ourselves in a unique way. It doesn’t have to be anything highbrow, cooking, gardening or even the way we decorate our homes are all creative outlets and being in love can enhance all of them.

Think about it
You don’t even need to have found your perfect partner to get a creative boost, just imagining being in love can have a beneficial effect on our creativity. A new study demonstrates that thinking about love–but not about sex–causes us to think more ‘globally’, making it easier to come up with new ideas. When we’re in love we actually think differently. Research has found that love really does alter our thoughts, and that this profound emotion affects us in a way that is different from thinking about sex.

Global v local thinking
The researchers suggest that romantic love induces a long-term perspective, whereas sexual desire induces a short-term perspective. This is because love typically entails wishes and goals of prolonged attachment with a person, whereas sexual desire is typically focused on engaging in sexual activities in the ‘here and now’. When people were asked to imagine a romantic date or a casual sex encounter, they found that those who imagined dates imagined them as occurring farther into the future than those who imagined casual sex. Thinking about events that are farther into the future triggers a more global thinking style. In other words, psychological distancing makes us see the forest rather than the individual trees.

A global processing style promotes creative thinking because it helps you think in more unusual and interesting ways. For example, imagine finding a gift for your partner. If we think about a gift while in a local mindset, then we’ll probably focus on obvious things like an object wrapped in colorful paper. We’ll probably consider the common choices, such as a watch, a book, or perfume. However, thinking about a gift more globally might inspire us to consider a gift as “anything that will make him/her happy”. This may, in turn, bring to mind more original and long-term ideas, such as going on a joint holiday, writing a song, or poem or decorating a room.

Of course, this doesn’t mean we should always think globally. While thinking about the here and now might interfere with creativity, it also promotes analytic thinking, which requires us to apply logical rules. For example, if you are looking for a piece of furniture in a big display according to a pre-defined list of criteria (e.g., size, color, price), a local mindset may help you find a match by preventing you from being side-tracked by attractive but irrelevant options and by making you pay more attention to relevant details.

Chemical reactions
There may also be a physiological explanation for these results. Feelings of romantic love can boost levels of dopamine, a neurochemical associated with creativity, while sexual desire can raise levels of testosterone, known to promote analytical skills. These chemical links may have evolved for an important purpose: increasing the likelihood of sexual reproduction.
In ancestral days, creative individuals may have used their inventiveness to attract future mates, while sex-focused individuals harnessed analytical clarity and short-term focus in order to bed a partner here and now.

Channel the energy
Being in love, or thinking about being in love, is useful when you want to imagine and create things that are out of your normal range of thinking. When in this frame of mind picking up a perhaps long-forgotten creative hobby can bring enormous joy and satisfaction. They say that emotion is energy in motion in the body and love is a sweet emotion to be filled with. Focusing this energy on your personal creative outlet can only prove to enhance it.

When you write your dating profile you are asked lots of questions to help you clarify what you want from a new relationship (many people find it easier to specify what they don’t want). At the profile stage it is hypothetical – you are talking about what you want from an ideal relationship. Once you are actually in a relationship it can be much more difficult to be so clear.

Most relationships don’t fit the ideal right from the outset but can become ideal over time as you get to know each other and let the other person know what you want and need from them. Being assertive about what you want can feel really uncomfortable when it is face to face and you don’t want too seem too pushy or inflexible.  To be successful, you need to understand the difference between asking and demanding.

The difference between wanting and demanding
Much of the confusion about expressing wants occurs because no distinction is made between wanting and demanding. Stating what you want is an effort to communicate clearly, so you and your partner can both be satisfied. Demanding is insisting that your partner give you what you want, without regard for his or her wants and feelings. You can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer; when you are demanding, you get upset if what you’re asking for is denied. When you ask for what you want, you need to have a back-up plan in case the other person can’t fulfill your request.

The importance of knowing what you want
If you don’t know what you want, you’ll have trouble getting it and experience a life-long feeling of deprivation, disappointment, scarcity, and resentment. When you aren’t able to express what you want clearly you may also have difficulty asking your partner what their wants and needs are.

In your relationship, asking for what you want in a loving way helps both you and your partner to understand each other. If you don’t know what you want you won’t know if you are getting it. If you don’t know what your partner wants, you won’t know how to give them the best of your love and support. This can leave one or both of you feeling unsatisfied, resentful or frustrated. When couples are asked to state their wants they often discover to their amazement that what they want are quite similar things eg. to be appreciated, to be accepted, to be listened to etc.

Suggestions for getting what you want
If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want: You can’t express what you want effectively if you’re not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence.

2. Create a good atmosphere: If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don’t do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you’re asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want: Don’t preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a “no.”: Remember, if you can’t accept a no answer, then you’re making a demand, not a request.

5. Listen politely to the other person’s answer: Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what he or she says. Don’t get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head – pay attention. You need to know what the answer actually is rather than what you think it is.

Learn how to say no
Its not just saying what you do want that is important but also what you don’t want. One of the most important aspects of a happy healthy relationship is emotional honesty. Many people go along with things they are not really comfortable with, especially at the beginning of a new relationship, because they want the relationship to work so badly they don’t feel able to assert themselves. The dating phase is a really good time to practice being emotionally honest. Say if you like or don’t like things. If asked for a preference on something don’t say ‘I don’t mind’, as that leaves the other person with the responsibility of deciding for you, be flexible but decisive.

The tan is fading, the holidays are behind you and Christmas is just around the corner. For some autumn can seem like a sad and depressing time of year. But, every season has its advantages in terms of dating and relationships and we at eHarmony think that autumn wins in terms of romance. Here’s why.

The shortening days
Although it’s sad to see the end of the summer as the nights draw in, autumn can bring with it opportunities to deepen and develop our relationships. As with all of nature the fewer hours of sunlight (clocks go back on 30 Oct) also engender in us a feeling of wanting to slow down, get cosy and turn our focus homewards. We are more likely to want to spend time indoors with our partners in the evenings and this brings with it the chance for more intimacy through conversation, cuddling on the sofa in front of a good film or playing board/computer games together etc. If the relationship is very new it may well be the first time you visit each other’s homes, cook for each other and see each other’s home world.

The stunning autumn colours
Now more than at other times of the year, the colours of nature are stunning and we are surrounded by natural abundance. Studies have shown that walking side by side with someone can make you feel more open and honest when talking about your feelings than sitting face to face. If you or your partner are a bit shy, walking together hand in hand through piles of crisp autumn leaves can really help to open you up.

Happy memories
Scientists have shown that we are more likely to fall in love with someone if the things we do with them remind us of other happy times. We may not have known the person for very long but doing something together that evokes good memories helps us to feel they are no longer a stranger.

Wherever you live you are bound to have a park or woods somewhere nearby to explore and collecting leaves, conkers and acorns can bring back happy childhood memories for many of us.  It can make a lovely date to go picking apples and blackberries together as the sense of shared purpose will bring you closer together. If one of you can bake a nice pie or crumble with the fruit you collect all the better.

Celebrations
There are lots of chances to celebrate in the autumn and these are great opportunities for dates. Halloween is not just for kids but can be a great opportunity to dress up and go to a party together or sit in and watch a scary film.

Bonfire night has become a huge celebration in many parts of the country with most communities putting on elaborate displays  for a fraction of the cost of buying a box of fireworks. There is something really romantic about getting your hat and mittens on and sharing a warming drink while watching the display. These are memories to treasure.

Whatever you do together this autumn it can be thought of a bit like the squirrels collecting their nuts – the happy memories you create will be the ones you draw upon through the winter, the more you have the closer you will be.

Too often, people criticize themselves and call themselves names. Sometimes we even take on the names other people have given us throughout our lives, even if we don’t deserve them. We sometimes base our life on those negative traits, whether they’re true or not. This is unhealthy and will lead to low self-esteem. Here we look at how to transform some of those negative beliefs into positive, life-affirming messages.

Practice the positive
Learning how to describe yourself and others accurately is something we usually have to put some effort into. This seems to be especially true in most western cultures where being honest about our skills, qualities and attributes can be confused with being arrogant, ‘blowing your own trumpet’ and being excessively self indulgent.

We’re all a lot better at listing our faults and failings and can get onto that task without any difficulty. It’s like most of us haven’t even dared to think about the question, “What’s good about me?” Filling in your dating profile can be especially difficult if you are unpractised in this area. In the online world the only tools we have available to make an impression are words, so using them to create a good online perception is important.

Start with what you’ve got
Because it is so much easier to identify negative traits this is a good place to begin the search for your positive traits. Write down your negative trait – this maybe something you feel about yourself or something other people have told you – and then try to think of a time when it has been useful to be like this and why. If you can’t think of examples in your own life think of someone else with this trait and how being that way has served them.

Here are some examples of traits that are considered negative and ways that you can reframe them in a positive light:

•    Bossy – bold, adventurous – a leadership quality
•    Daydreamer – creative, imaginative, inventive
•    Stubborn – determined, focused, strong
•    Shy – calm, listener, gentle
•    Lazy – able to relax and take it easy, balanced

If you identify with any of these traits you may be surprised to see how your feelings about yourself transform when you begin to see them positively. If you come up with something that you really can see no merit in then you can take steps to address it and change.

Seeing the whole picture
It’s important to remember that whatever traits you see in yourself, no matter how dominant they appear to be, are not all that you are. Everyone has negative and positive attributes and to pretend otherwise is unrealistic. Sometimes trying to cover up or deny a negative trait actually makes it worse, as the saying goes, what you resist persists.

Hiding in the dark
Maybe you have difficulty describing yourself at all, negative and positive traits. A good way of finding out about yourself is to look firstly at the people you admire eg. a celebrity or politician or someone in the public eye , what traits in them do you think are especially attractive or admirable? Now do the same thing with someone you dislike and what it is that you dislike about them – write it all down. Really let rip and have a good old rant about what it is that winds you up about them.

When you have finished your lists cross out their names and put your name there. Read the lists back to yourself. The things that we admire or dislike in others are often the very things that we admire or dislike about ourselves. Although this exercise can be painful it is very useful if you genuinely want to be able to turn your negative traits into positives – how can you if you don’t know what they are?

Keeping it real
You are not trying to present yourself as ‘good’ but rather as ‘authentic’ – giving a real and balanced picture so when you meet a match your profile description fits who you really are.
When you are dating it is really important that you feel comfortable in your own skin. Having a balanced view of yourself will go a long way towards helping you to achieve that and may improve your relationships with friends and family too. There is something very attractive about a person who knows themselves and is willing to learn, grow and change to adapt to life and love.

There’s no easy answer to this question, but there are some guidelines we can use to make sure that we’re making good decisions as we try to do the right thing in terms of our relationship and our own personal health and well-being.

The most common reasons people consider ending a relationship are:

Dishonesty
We all lie sometimes, even if it is just little white lies that we tell to protect someone’s feelings. But the levels of dishonesty that may make you think about terminating your relationship are usually much more serious. If you find out your partner has been lying to you about something – or lying by omission in that they didn’t tell you something – you need to weigh it up in terms of the rest of your relationship.

Some of the questions you might ask yourself are:
Are they generally honest and this is a one off incident?
Have you been getting the feeling that all was not as it seemed and this is your confirmation? Are you feeling very insecure in the relationship and in response they are keeping things from you to protect your feelings?

There are all sorts of reasons, and ways in which people are dishonest and whether you give them a second chance will depend largely on whether you feel that the trust that has been lost can be won back again.

Substance misuse
There are mixed views about substance misuse, some believe that certain types of addiction, like alcoholism, is a disease and others believe that it is a choice that a person makes of their own free will.

Whether you give someone a second chance if this issue has caused you to question you relationship will have a lot to do with how long you have known them. If it is obvious from the early days that someone has a substance misuse problem our advice would be to not get involved with them especially if that misuse is illegal.

If you have been together for a long time when this issue arises it will depend on your personal values and the way their behaviour impacts on your life. It will also depend on whether the person recognises they have a problem and are willing to do something about it. The real question is whether you genuinely believe that real change is probable (not possible) and that you’re both willing to put in the hard work it requires.

Infidelity
If you find out categorically (not a rumour) that your partner has cheated on you it is really is not OK unless you have made a decision to have an open relationship. Trust is an implicit part of a healthy relationship and although there are many couples whose relationship has survived through this issue it does tend to leave a permanent scar. You deserve to be with someone who is faithful and committed to you. By having an explicit understanding that this is a deal breaker, no matter what the circumstances, you and your partner will have clear boundaries.

Physical Abuse
This is another deal breaker. It is never ok for someone to use physical violence towards you whether you are a man or a woman. No matter how remorseful the person is after the event, a line has been crossed which can never be undone. Physical abuse, once the taboo has been broken, always tends to get worse over time, never better.

Endings
If you do decide to give someone a second chance make sure you are truly able to forgive and move on rather than just suppressing hurt feelings because you are scared to lose the relationship. Low self-esteem is often the reason that people stay in unhappy relationships so look closely at your reasons for wanting to give it a second chance.

Unconditional love does not give someone licence to treat you badly, it gives you licence to have strong boundaries and for them to be respected by your partner.

Often relationships end when one, or both, people feel they don’t get the support they need from their partner. It is easy to look at the other person and point the finger at their shortcomings but how good are you at asking for support? Even if offered support do you let it in?

Types of support
We need different types of support at different times in our life and men and women are very different in the kinds of support they offer and the kinds of support they want.

Generally women value emotional support most highly: a listening and sympathetic ear, a hug, empathy and understanding for their situation. They want to be heard, understood and to have their feelings validated. Because this is the kind of support women value it is usually the kind of support they are best at giving to their partner and friends.

Men on the other hand tend to value practical support and solutions to problems more highly. If they share a problem it is because they are looking for a solution. When they are told about a problem their instinct is to want to help by fixing it. Many rows happen because of these differences.

For example, if a woman tells a man that she’s finding work tough, all she wants is a sympathetic and understanding ear and some emotional support. Instead though, he starts offering solutions, suggesting she leave her job if she is unhappy. She feels unheard and as though her feelings aren’t being validated.

This is not to say that men don’t need emotional support, or women practical support, but understanding the differences between men and women can help you to see why your partner may not always be the best person to go to in some circumstances.

Most people have a circle of support including family, friends and work colleagues and sometimes it is better to go to one of them if you know your partner can’t give you what you need. You wouldn’t call a mechanic to fix a broken window because that isn’t their expertise.

Learn to ask for the help you need
Obviously it is important not to go outside your relationship for all your support needs because otherwise intimacy wouldn’t grow between you and your partner. As with all aspects of a relationship it takes time to develop a healthy pattern of giving and receiving and to feel like you are contributing equally in areas like housework, money management and child rearing.

Don’t assume that your partner cannot or will not support you, instead take responsibility for asking for support in the right way. If you want a hug say ‘Please will you give me a hug?’ Be clear and direct when you ask for help. Instead of saying ‘Could you pick the children up?’ which leaves room for someone to say ‘I could but I don’t want to’ be more direct and say ‘Would you please pick the children up?’ Instead of starting a request for support with ‘Can you?’ try ‘Will you?’

If you are feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities ask yourself what support you need and what your partner could do before you ask them for it then you will be much more direct in your communication.

Learn to accept no for an answer
People are much more likely to say yes if they have the freedom to say no. When you ask your partner for support and you do not reject or get in a mood with them for saying no, they will remember that, the next time they will be much more willing to say yes.

After you have asked your partner to do something they may moan, groan, scowl, growl, mumble and grumble. Just be silent, don’t interpret grumbles as an unwillingness to help as this is not necessarily the case. Your partner’s grumbles mean that they are considering the request, if they weren’t considering it then they would just say no.

A healthy relationship is where both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need and they both have permission to say no if they choose.

Appreciate the support you do get
Whenever you notice something your partner does which is supportive, tell them and show your appreciation. Sometimes we just take for granted the support we get and only talk about it when things are going wrong. We teach people how to treat us and telling your partner what they are doing well will encourage more love and support in the future.

Infidelity doesn’t stop at illicit stolen evenings in anonymous hotels, nor does it need to mean the end of a relationship. Here we delve into this tricky subject and discover what infidelity really means in our modern world.

Monogamy
In our culture it is commonly accepted that once a relationship becomes sexual it also becomes monogamous – our partner is the main focus of our love, affection and attention and the only person we have a sexual relationship with. This is what the majority of people are looking for and also the general expectation once a connection has been established without it ever having to be openly discussed or agreed upon.

Infidelity
When we say someone has cheated we automatically think that they have been sexually intimate with someone outside their main, monogamous relationship. It doesn’t have to be a full-blown affair to be classed as infidelity -  a one night stand or even sexual contact that doesn’t lead to penetrative sex are also classed as infidelity. The intention of the person committing the act is what generally damages the relationship. If they are getting hot and steamy with someone else the chances are that they are not fully committed to their partner and this can lead to feelings of hurt, betrayal and a lack of trust in the future.

Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner in the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of that relationship.

Emotional infidelity
A lot of people say that they could forgive and accept a one off physical act of infidelity more easily than they could their partner developing a deep emotional connection with another person, especially if that person is of the opposite sex and there is a chance that the emotional intimacy could develop into a sexual relationship. This will often be perceived as a threat to the relationship whereas a close intimate relationship with someone of the same sex will usually be accepted.

We all have friends and the line where a friendship with someone of the opposite sex crosses into emotional infidelity is usually when one’s partner begins to channel emotional resources, such as romantic love, time, and attention, on someone else. This doesn’t necessarily have to be in person. With modern technology it is possible for someone to develop a deep emotional connection with someone outside the relationship without ever meeting the person.

Are you cheating?
If you have been accused of cheating but feel it is unfair because you haven’t done anything wrong -  in that you haven’t slept with anyone – take a step back and look at your connections with people outside of your main relationship. Are you giving more time, attention or affection to someone other than your partner? When you are with your mates who do you tell anecdotes about? If you are in emotional pain or have a problem who is your first port of call? Are you sexually attracted to someone else, even if you never intend to act on it, because you are committed to your partner? Do you spend hours on the internet talking to someone else?

If many of your needs are being met outside of your relationship then it is understandable that your partner will feel insecure. Verbal reassurance often doesn’t work because 80% of communication is non-verbal and your partner will pick up on the fact that your attention is elsewhere and will be hurt if, for example, you know every detail about your platonic friend on Facebook but can’t remember your partner’s birthday.

Be honest. If you are not committed to the relationship say so and if you are committed then make sure the lion’s share of your time and attention is given to your partner. Just like a plant will die if it isn’t watered, a relationship won’t thrive without adequate time, love and attention.

Are you being cheated on?
If you feel like you are being cheated but are repeatedly told that you are being paranoid, jealous, controlling or neurotic because there is nothing going on, it is time to stand back and take a good look at yourself first. Have you been like this in other relationships? Were you hurt in the past and are now looking for evidence that it is happening again? Do you feel inadequate or that your partner is too good for you and will go off with someone better suited? Are you in need of constant reassurance because something traumatic happened, like a bereavement, and your partner seems to have disappeared, the more you need them the further away they seem to be?

If any of the above are true for you then it’s time to do something about it – see our article on ‘How to dump your emotional baggage’. If none of the above are the case it is time to have a heart to heart with your partner and find out if they are committed to you -  if not you deserve to be with someone who is.

No-one likes to do it but there can come a time when we realise that our relationship is just not working out and we want to end it. Doing it the right way will minimise the hurt on both sides so here we suggest some simple guidelines that may help.

Do it face to face
However tempting it may be to send an email or text this is the worst possible way to end a relationship. Often we want to text or email because we don’t want to have to face the emotional response of the other person but by avoiding that we deprive both them, and us, of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons about ourselves that we can take into our next relationship.

Even if the relationship was only short-lived the other person deserves a face to face explanation of our reasons for not taking it further. If it is a long-distance relationship and face to face communication isn’t possible use your usual form of close communication like Skype or phone.

Be honest
It is important before you end a relationship that you really understand the reasons why before you try to tell the other person. Talk it through with a friend or write it down so you are really clear in your own mind.

Is it that your feelings have changed towards the person? If so look at the reasons for the change and take responsibility for your own behaviours and actions. Sometimes when we are going off the boil in a relationship it is very easy to focus on the other person and find lots of little reasons we could use to justify the end of the relationship when the honest reason may be that we have lost interest, shut down or been attracted to someone else. As humbling as it can be to admit that we have changed our minds it is far better than launching into a hurtful character assassination of the other person.

Is it because of something the other person has done or not done? If so have you talked to them about it and given them the chance to explain or rectify the situation? Is it a quality or personality trait the other person has that irritates or annoys you and you just can’t get over? If so it could be really useful for them to know especially if it is something they could work on so it doesn’t affect future relationships.

Most important of all is that you are honest about whether you really want the relationship to end rather than just to change. People who are in relationships that are continually on and off feel very insecure and find it more difficult to make long term plans and commitments. If you say it make sure you mean it.

Give positive feedback too
When having this difficult conversation remember as well as giving the reasons for your decision to end it also acknowledge the things that went well between you. Psychologists say that we can take on board negative information more readily if it is accompanied by a positive comment; if it is all negative it feels like an attack and we become defensive. Acknowledge the good qualities in the other person and aspects of the relationship that did work or were enjoyable. However, be careful that you don’t give mixed messages and make it very clear it is still over.

Do it calmly – the three day rule
It is easy to dump someone in the heat of the moment when our emotions are heightened and we are hurt, angry and upset but this is not the time to make that decision. As difficult as it may seem it is a good idea to make a pact to always give yourselves a three day cool off period before you finally decide to split. Use this time to reflect, not just on your partner’s behaviour but also on your own, and decide what action you need to take.

The End
Some people say that a relationship is over just to prompt a reaction in the other person. Don’t play emotional games. If you say it is over make sure you really mean that and be prepared to never see that person again. You may feel that you could still stay friends but that is often too painful for some people and gives them false hope that you will get back together.

Don’t take it personally
Whenever we meet someone for the first time it is natural that we want them to like us but just like with any area of life people have different tastes. There are many perfectly lovely people out there who just don’t make you go weak at the knees no matter how many of the boxes they tick.

We all know this intellectually, the problem comes when we take every slight as ‘evidence’ that we are unlovable telling ourselves we are fat or old or shouldn’t even bother trying. The trick is to try to focus more on whether you like the person and are having a good time than on their opinion of you. Really what other people think of you is none of your business.

Know your own mind
If you keep your focus on yourself you will know whether you want to see them again, this is a much more powerful position than waiting to see if they call you. When asked whether you want to see them again you will know whether your answer is yes or no. If their answer isn’t the same that’s ok, there could be many reasons for this and unless you have recently developed the art of mind reading it is unlikely you will ever know for sure.

Whatever you do don’t do other people’s thinking for them. It is very rare for someone to get it right unless they’re Derren Brown. Most people tend to project negatives rather than positives onto other people when we go over in our heads the details of our date, we are more likely to think something like ‘I bet she thought I was an idiot when I dropped that bowl’ instead of ‘I’m glad she saw how nervous I was, she will know how much I like her now’.

Teach people how to treat you
It will be difficult to believe that anyone could want to spend time with you (even if they genuinely do) if you don’t think much of yourself. If you have very low self-esteem try to up your own opinion of yourself. Spend some time each day looking for things that you do well, it can be anything, having a laugh with the lads, playing snooker, helping your Gran, cooking, what qualities does it take to be good at these things? This technique takes practice; many of us have been so down on ourselves for so long we don’t even know we’re doing it. Then when we go on a date and if rejected our low self-esteem can plummet even further, maybe putting us off trying again because it is just too painful.

Be your own best friend
Listen to how you talk to yourself. If that internal voice is constantly criticising, nagging and complaining it’s going to be hard to cover it up when we are staring into the eyes of a lovely date. Better to start doing some work on it now so instead of telling yourself‘You’re such an idiot’, try ‘It’s ok, everyone makes mistakes’.

Imagine if that internal voice was a real person outside of you, most of us couldn’t spend a day with it. We are often much harsher and crueller to ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else. It doesn’t change quickly but it does change with daily practice. The danger of not changing our view of ourselves is that even if we do find someone who thinks we are fabulous the chances are we will eventually lose respect for them for thinking that and may sabotage the relationship.

Watch your expectations
One of the reasons it can be so painful when we get rejected is because during the period of online contact, which sometimes can last for months, we have started to get our hopes up, looking for all the signs that this one could be ‘the one’. It can be a lot easier to talk online and we often have the chance to edit what we are saying so minimise the chances of saying something stupid. Our advice is do get interested but don’t get attached before you meet. Talk online for just long enough to find out if you want to meet this person face to face. That way it won’t be a disappointment if you don’t hit it off.

Whatever you do don’t be put off by a few false starts, keep trying and remember everything gets easier with practice.

Some people have become seriously addicted to their mobile phone and break out in a nervous sweat when they think they can’t find it or are asked to turn it off, only managing to turn it onto vibrate in case they miss something.

There are increasing numbers of people complaining that their partner’s phone has become like an intruder in their relationship. If someone’s attention is always drifting away or the little reminder noise goes off when you are getting intimate or you feel that they talk more to random strangers on Twitter than they do to you then it will eventually become a problem in your relationship.

Be considerate
If you are on a first date then it is sensible to have your phone with you but don’t let it be visible or audible. It’s not a good idea to have it on the table in front of you constantly flashing or pinging you news of everyone else’s business.

Studies have shown that non-verbal communication accounts for about 80% of our interaction with each other and inattention is the biggest block to developing healthy relationships. There is something really wonderful about being with someone who gives you their full attention, listens to what you are saying and are attentive, engaged and interesting. As soon as that phone is on the table all of that seems to go and you know your date isn’t really fully present to you any more.

Free time
Whether you are dating or not it is healthy to have some time in each day when you aren’t connected and, if you can manage it, even a whole weekend once in a while. Much as social networks have their place in modern society there is a danger that many of our basic needs for connection, friendship, communication and even love are being met virtually.

In general we don’t phone or go to see people we care about as much as we used to because we get constant status updates which make us believe that we know what is going on with them. Often now when you see someone after a long time and you start to tell them some exciting development in your life they say, ‘Yes, I know I saw it on Facebook.’ The reality is that we are missing out, we may feel more in touch but in a real sense we may be less in touch than ever before. Try to ensure that you maintain a balance of personal contact with virtual contact, there is nothing quite like seeing your friends and family in person and if that isn’t possible a phone call gives a more real connection.

In a new relationship try to keep your communication in person as much as possible, texting cute messages of love is great but remember not to try and deal with difficult emotional issues by text as they can be mis-read.

Have a private life
Some people feel compelled to share every detail of their lives in their social network statuses but when it comes to relationships you need to be very careful about this. There is something very distasteful about seeing a couple row or split up on Facebook. A good rule of thumb is don’t put anything on there that you wouldn’t feel comfortable standing on a stage and sharing with a crowd of people, some of whom you might not know very well. Keep your private life private and if there is something you need to share with your friends go and see them or pick up the phone.

When dating someone your aim is to build a sustainable connection and posting every move you make together is not the best way to go about it. Leave the phone at home, or on silent out of sight and enjoy the real human thrill of getting to know someone new.

When you feel you know someone well enough that you want to invite them to be your social network ‘friend’ sitting together looking at your photo albums and interests is much more intimate and personal than letting them trawl through your profile on their own.

You may meet the love of your life online but be careful not to lose them because of your compulsion to stay connected to your virtual world.

Getting the right support

As the old saying goes, a problem shared is a problem halved and at different times in our lives we are going to need to talk to someone to help us through a tricky patch. For most of us this comes in the shape of family and friends but not everyone is lucky enough to have a close network. Even if you do there might be some things you really don’t want to discuss with them because they are personal, painful or embarrassing.

There are support groups for almost everything – parenting, depression, bereavement, cancer or you can opt to have some one-to-one counselling around a particular issue.
Whatever it is you are struggling with it is always better to talk it through with someone rather than try and deal with it on your own. Some helping agencies like the Samaritans also run an email support service so you don’t even need to see someone face to face to get support.

Work it out
Emotions are energy in motion in the body and the best way to release them is to get active. As tempting as it might be to duvet dive you will actually feel much better if you do something physical – running, swimming, cycling, walking are all great ways of clearing your head.

If you are angry about something it is really therapeutic to bash it out, punch a pillow, knead bread dough or go boxing. The heels of the feet are great energy release points so stamping or having a toddler tantrum (in private) work really well. When anger isn’t worked out it will come out sideways making us irritable, unreasonable and touchy and if left unresolved it can turn into depression.

If getting physical isn’t your thing you could get creative, you could draw, paint, write or sing. If you used to be creative and have stopped picking it up again can really help you get back to your old self, if you’ve never tried it before it could be the start of a new hobby.

Transform It
Sometimes the past can be like a big stick we use to beat ourselves up with and we are filled with regret or shame because we think we should have known better or should have done something differently.

We cannot change the past but we can learn from it. Look at how your experience has changed you. What have you learnt as a result? How have you grown? If you had a friend who was going through something similar what advice would you give them?

Look at your past. Even if you were the victim of someone else’s actions roll the film back and see if there was a point where you could have made a different choice?

Blaming and hating someone else only leads to feelings of bitterness and powerlessness which can harden over time, these are unattractive qualities in a person no matter how justified the cause. The only way to stop blaming is to see what you could have done differently. Blame only ties us to the pain.

Hurt people go on to hurt other people, seeing someone who hurt you in this way can help you to let go of the pain. It’s not about saying that what they did was OK but about releasing the feelings from inside you.

The End
Sometimes we carry things with us simply because they didn’t have a proper ending. Maybe someone left us or died, maybe we were the victim of a crime but there was never an arrest. When this happens we can be left with a washing machine head that plays the situation over and over again as we try to work it out, but we never can.

In situations like this we can create an ending ourselves in a number of ways. We can find all the photos and things that remind us of that time or person and either put them away in a box, if they are precious memories, or burn them or throw them into the sea if they are painful.

If we have nothing physical to do this with we can write it out beginning every sentence with ’I remember’. Keep writing until you have written out everything you remember about that person or event and then let it go as above.

No matter what has happened in your past the one thing you can change is your perception of it and through doing that you can release yourself from any amount of emotional baggage.

How do we know our type?
Without even realising it many of us carry around a list in our heads which details the characteristics of our ‘perfect’ partner. This is as true for men as it is for women. This list was probably formulated when we were very young watching our parent’s relationship and other significant adults around us. Add to this the influence of TV, media and the social situation we grew up in and our list of qualities that make up Mr or Ms Right can be deeply entrenched by the time we reach our mid-teens.

This is an unconscious process for the most part and many of us have had the uncomfortable experience of finding ourselves dating someone who is uncannily like one of our parents. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if our parents had a loving, supportive relationship but it can lead to problems if we are continually drawn into relationships that are unhealthy or even abusive.

We might automatically dismiss a prospective partner on the grounds of their height, build, nationality or even their hair colour even though in every other way they may be compatible. The old saying, don’t judge a book by its cover is very apt in this case but don’t be too hard on yourself if this is something you do very easily, we all do it to a greater or lesser degree and often it is more of a knee-jerk reaction than a conscious dismissal.

Find out what your non-negotiables are
As with all unconscious processes the best way to change them is to make them conscious. What are your non-negotiables? A good way of finding out is by actually writing the list. Write a full and detailed description of your ideal partner, don’t worry, no-one else needs to read it. If you don’t like writing maybe choose a friend and talk to them about everything you want in a partner and together formulate a list. Try to cover every aspect, how they look, what type of personality they have, their values, even the sound of their voice, appetites (for food, activities and sex) and personal habits. You will probably see that no-one in the world could ever fulfil your dreams but it is important that we know what our dreams are.

Then add to the list the negatives, the things a partner should not be, do, believe or ways they behave. Have fun with this exercise, think of people you admire and the qualities they possess as well as the people you don’t like and the reasons for that. There is no right or wrong answer, you are just doing some detective work that will help you to be more open-minded and open-hearted in the future.

Prioritise your list
Once you have your list start to go through it asking yourself how important it really is on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being ‘set in stone essential’ and 1 being ‘desirable but not at all important’. Any which are rated 7 and over transfer to another list. Now with each of these ask, Why is this important? Where does this belief come from? Is this something I can bring to a relationship myself? Am I ready to let it go?  Your aim is to get down to 3 non-negotiables, more than that and perhaps you are being too picky.

Our lists may have stayed the same most of our lives yet what is non-negotiable when you are 20 is different when you are 40. Our needs change as we change and it is important that we adapt ourselves accordingly. We may also have shut down due to being hurt in the past and made some rules about dating that we believe will protect us eg. I will never date someone with red hair again because they have bad tempers! Of course not all people with red hair will have bad tempers but are you ready to open your heart again and let it go?

What are you bringing to the table?
They say that you need to love yourself before you can really love someone else. There is some truth in this and sometimes we may look to others to make us feel things eg. sexy, confident, safe, lovable.  Maybe it would be better if we bring those qualities into a relationship ourselves as then we won’t be dependant on that person to ‘make’ us feel that way, we are that way and they get to enjoy and appreciate it. Don’t look for qualities in someone else that are ones you want to cultivate in yourself – as Gandhi said, be the change you want to see in the world.

Once you are clear about what your non-negotiables are you may find yourself with a lot more freedom when it comes to dating. The things you come up with probably won’t be apparent on a first date, they may involve getting to know someone a little first. This is because when it really comes down to it what most people want is a partner who is attractive at a deeper level, with qualities that will stand the test of time. Good looks, clothes, habits, even political and religious beliefs can, and do, change with time but some things are integral parts of who we are.

There’s little more emotionally painful than the end of a relationship. And the irony is that while we want to forget everything that happened something inside us wants us to relive everything that happened in the break-up in order to make some sense of the whole thing.

But, there are lessons we can learn from every relationship. In fact, focusing on these lessons can help ease the pain and better our future relationships. If you’re ready, then maybe it’s time to discover the four things your ex can teach you.

You learn what you really want (and what you really don’t want)
When you split from a partner, especially if the break-up wasn’t amicable, the easiest thing to learn is what you DON’T like in a relationship. Whether it was that they were rude to your friends or never remembered your birthday, these traits are important.

This is why we ask you to consider your Must Haves and Can’t Stands when you join eHarmony. After all, if something annoyed you about an ex, why get into a relationship with someone who will do the same thing again? What’s important though is to work out what genuinely annoyed you, and what was just mildly irritating. If your list of ‘Can’t Stands’ is as long as your arm, you might have a hard time finding a new partner to fit the bill!

Once you’ve figured out what you don’t like, you can move more easily onto what you DO want in a partner. Maybe you want someone who’s financially stable, or someone who likes to keep physically fit. As ever though, don’t get bogged down in the little things; there’s no such thing as perfection.

You learn about what really matters
When we’re little we imagine we’re going to become astronauts, rock stars or the Prime Minister. Then, as we grow up, most of us get a reality check and learn to be happy with a less idealised career. The same happens in relationships. When we’re younger, we have an idea of our ideal man or woman. Maybe he’s a mysterious dark haired musician who travels the world without a care. Maybe she’s a petite red headed barrister who won’t take no for an answer.

Whatever you think constitutes your ideal man or woman, time – and our past relationships – tells us that really there is no such thing. Whether someone is tall, short, blond or brunette, rich or poor, doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they ‘get’ you, and accept you for who you are. Many of us have dated that ‘ideal’ person only to find that when you’re sat at home on the sofa watching Dad’s Army repeats on a Sunday afternoon, the stuff you thought was important really isn’t.

You learn more about you
Above everything else, your exes help you learn even more about yourself. You inherently know your own strengths and weaknesses but within a relationship the game changes; a new depth of knowledge is created. In a serious relationship your partner gets to know you better than anyone else in the world. They see you at your best – and your worst.

Think back to the arguments you used to have with your ex. What did they throw back at you? Was it that you were too picky? Too passive? Too grumpy? Whatever it was, the chances are that they had a point. Those thoughts have to come from somewhere in order to be vocalised, and while we often say things in the heat of the moment that we don’t mean to, it doesn’t mean they’re not true.

Of course, insults that are spoken purely in anger don’t count, but consider the other stuff said when you were disagreeing. Thinking your ex might have had a point? Good. You now get to go forward with full knowledge of your flaws and become an even better partner in your next relationship.

You learn to give yourself a break
By taking a step back and analysing (but not over-analysing!) your exes, you can gain perspective. You may have dated the unavailable girl when you weren’t ready for a relationship, or the safe, comfortable guy after a particularly messy break-up. Whatever happened, those relationships defined certain times of your life, and you’ll have learnt something from each one.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and helps us realise that things tend to happen for a reason. There’s no reason to beat yourself up about past relationships, as they’re all part of the learning curve – and looking back only helps you see how far you’ve come.

Friends are one of the reasons we wake up in the morning. For one thing, unlike family, you can choose your friends. They’re there through the good times and the bad, and you’ve probably shared some of your most precious memories with friends. That said, sometimes those friendships can turn sour. Just because you loved spending time together teasing girls at school when you were 9 doesn’t mean you’ll still be the same people at 35. Unfortunately friendships can have an expiration date.

The tough part is working out which friendships really are toxic, and which might just be going through a rough patch. Here are 5 indicators that you’re more ‘fiends’ than ‘friends’.

1.    They’re a fair weather/bad weather friend
Some friends have a magic ability to emerge from the woodwork when you’re either on the up or on a downer. You’ve probably heard of fair weather friends; the ones who are only ever around when things are going right. It’s pretty obvious why these friends are toxic as friends should be there through thick and thin, not when it suits them.  But on the opposite end of the scale are those friends who only ever seem to get in touch when they think things are going badly for you. Whether they’ve heard something from another friend, or they’ve seen your Facebook status about being in a bad way, they’ll be on the phone faster than you can say ‘Hey, I haven’t heard from Dave in a while’.

The kind of friend who is only around when you’re down is arguably even worse a fair weather friend. They thrive off your negative vibes, whether it’s because they like to feel better about themselves, or they love the drama of it all. Either way, these friends are very toxic as their own motives outweigh their desire to be a friend in need.

2.    They’re horrible about your other friends
Sometimes you just need to let off steam about a friend – it happens to all of us, because no one’s perfect. Maybe a friend of yours promised they’d come to your birthday party and never bothered to turn up. Or perhaps they said they’d help you move and pulled out at the last minute with a terrible excuse. Friends aren’t perfect and sometimes they rub us up the wrong way.

But have you ever started to vent about one of your friends to another friend, only to have the other person jump right in and rip them to shreds? There’s a big difference between getting something off your chest and being plain mean. If you have a friend who’s always having a dig at other people, do you ever wonder what they say about you behind your back?

3.    They lie to you
This one might be pretty obvious but we felt the need to include it, because too many people out there put up with too much rubbish from supposed ‘friends’. If someone lies to you  they’re quite simply toxic. OK, so we’re not talking about that little white lie they told to get out of helping you paint your bedroom, but anything bigger and that person has no right to call themselves a friend. You should be able to trust what your friends say 100%, nothing less.

4.    You wonder why you became friends in the first place
Like all relationships, friendships can run their course. Maybe you became friends at nursery when you were three years old and your lives have gone in different directions, but if you ever find yourself wondering why you’re still friends it might be time to let the friendship fizzle out. You’re probably both thinking the same thing, but wanting to be polite.

5.    Your life feels better/easier/calmer when they’re not around
There will always be some friends who make everything about them. Perhaps they have very dramatic love lives and are always calling you up for advice. Or maybe when you meet up the whole conversation is dominated by their problems and you never get a word in. Often these are the kinds of friends you can dread meeting up with. They drain all your energy and make you wonder why you spend time with them. Friendship is about give and take, and when a friend is having a hard time, naturally their problems will dominate conversation.  But if that’s the permanent state of affairs then it’s bound to wear you out. Friends should make you feel happy and relaxed.

It would be great if we could have the ability to sever all ties as soon as a relationship breaks down. Imagine the emotional pain we’d avoid. But, unfortunately, as living, feeling human beings this just isn’t possible. We’ve all had at least one break up that affected us in a devastating way, both physically and emotionally. It’s that period of time where you think you’ll never feel or love again, and you just want to hide in a hole and never come out. And there’s nothing wrong with feeling that pain, and learning from it. However, there is something wrong if it continues on and starts to affect your future romantic prospects.

Nothing compares to the pain of lost love, and we don’t have a cure-all method. But we do have three strategies that can help you start to see the wood for the trees when it comes to getting over your ex.

Take off the rose tinted specs
All of us – no matter how cynical we usually are – have a tendency to romanticise the past. This isn’t incredibly surprising; after all, who wants to admit to themselves that their past life has been anything but wine and roses. Plus, the bad memories often fade far quicker than the good ones. You’re much more likely to remember strolling along a beach at sunset rather than the argument you had about going to a family member’s birthday party.

When your break-up has been recent, this kind of romanticising can be very risky. Start pondering over the good times again and you’ll end up asking yourself why you ever broke up. And that’s the kind of question that leads you to have a few too many drinks and make a midnight call to your ex.

Start to separate fact from fiction and be totally honest in your memory of your relationship. If you find your mind drifting back to one of those good times, pinch yourself and try to remember that there was a very good reason why you broke up. Simply being able to do this will be a huge help.

Clear the decks – and your mind
There are some very practical things you can do to cut those ties to your old relationship. Firstly, write a letter to your ex saying everything you ever wanted to say – then shred it. You can get things off your chest without causing the other person pain.

Now, start afresh. If you still have reminders of your ex scattered around your home, it’s time to move them out of view. We’re not saying you need to burn everything they ever gave you, but having a framed photo of them on the mantelpiece will only serve as a constant reminder of them. If you really can’t bear to part with some keepsakes, put them in a box in the attic. Chances are you’ll soon forget them, and the next time you come across the box you’ll barely be able to remember how you felt.

Look to the future
It’s hard, we know, to think about future relationships when you’re still struggling with the loss of your past relationship. But, just forcing yourself to think about the future can help you detach yourself from the past. The possibilities now, despite being scary, are also endless. Who knows who you might meet next? And you might meet them next week, or next year, but you will meet them (as unlikely as that sounds now). It’s time to focus on you so start dreaming about the future rather than the past!

Men want...to love and be loved

Getting a great night’s sleep can leave you feeling like a new person, but getting a bad night’s sleep can make you feel like a zombie. In fact, 60% of us say we don’t sleep well, getting less than the recommended 7 hours sleep a night. Lack of sleep can not only make you feel very tired, but it can also affect your concentration, and make you irritable and stressed.

If you’re not getting a good night’s sleep, and it’s affecting the rest of your life, then maybe it’s time to make some changes. Rather than reaching for the whisky or counting sheep, here are some workable ideas to help you sleep like a baby.

1.    Keep a pad and paper by the bed
One of the main reasons people can’t sleep is that their minds are still dwelling on the day. Asking around the eHarmony office, most of us seem to have gone through periods where we just can’t switch off when it’s time for bed. One simple way to help resolve this is to keep a notepad by your bed and note down anything that’s worrying you before you go to bed. This way, you will feel like you’ve emptied out your thoughts for the night and your mind won’t race.

2.    Don’t do anything right before bed
Avoid doing anything that stimulates your brain before bed. Whether that’s checking your emails, playing computer games, or watching a high-octane film, you’ll find it will make it harder to get to sleep straight afterwards. Also, don’t drink. Alcohol will probably help you fall asleep but your quality of sleep will be poor.

3.    Make your bedroom for sleeping
To give yourself the best possible chance of falling into a peaceful slumber you need to create the perfect environment for sleep. Make sure your room isn’t too warm (around 18C is about right) and try and block out as much light as possible – even little lights from electrical equipment can keep you awake. Additionally, invest in a mattress, as the right one can completely change your sleeping habits. Take the Goldilocks approach; not too hard, not too soft. If you have a partner, encourage them to go to bed at the same time as you, rather than one of you coming in later.

4.    Stay regular
We are creatures of habit, and your body benefits from a routine. Try and go to bed at roughly the same time each night so that your body gets used to knowing when it should start winding down for the evening. Also, try waking up at the same time each day too – you’ll find that by sticking to a routine, waking up will feel much less like a wrench every morning!

5.    Meditate
This one might sound a bit out of leftfield, but many people have said that meditating has helped them relax and ultimately get a better night’s sleep.  Thinking about it, it makes sense. Sitting quietly and clearing your mind should ultimately make you much better prepared for sleep. There are 1000s of meditation tips on the internet, so if you fancy trying simple meditation get searching!

These tips should help you get a better night’s sleep. However, if you’re having severe trouble sleeping and you think you might be suffering from insomnia, please visit your GP who will be able to help with some more advanced techniques and treatments.