Dating and relationship advice you can really believe in.

I’m not to sure about that last ‘do’. Certainly it’s possible to spend too much time in online communication but the dating game is a little like a hunt. You have to be careful not to ‘spook your prey’ by moving too fast. The problem is, knowing where to draw the line between going so slowly you’ll never reach the end and moving so fast that you scare the other person away.

But, SCJ – I think the article is spot-on about not having a protracted period of e-contact only, such that you have already made an ‘emotional investment’ in someone with whom there just may not – with the best will in the world – be a spark or connection when you do finally meet in real life. This can happen – has happened to me, in the past. It’s a let-down, for sure. And I do think the kind of ‘neutral’, ‘safe’ daytime coffee date is definitely the best kind of first date. It’s relaxed, unpressured and low-key. You have the time and space to talk – to communicate face-to-face and soak up all those non-verbal cues and tells that you just don’t get from even the most in-tune-seeming e-exchange. I wouldn’t want to go on an ‘activity’ first date, personally.

I have been emailing someone for nearly nine months and feel I know him really well (we have met once) and we seem to have hit it off but the distance is so great I don’t see any future for our relationship so I would say meet within a couple of weeks and don’t prolong a relationship which cannot work except as a “pen pal” relationship or it can be hurtful.

As a nubie at this what’s the overall advice. I’ve been emailing a guy for two days we have a great laugh and have arranged to meet next week for dinner, are we going about this the right way?

Agree with the article. Having been on what I thought was a sucessful date. I’ve had one text message the next day. That was 2 weeks ago. Jist of which he said he would like to see where it leads.
At this rate it will lead nowhere.
Question have men lost the art of pursuing?

I was in communication with someone for 6 months, when we finally met up we had a nice time but he said ‘I feel like I am out for a coffee with a mate, not on a first date’therefore I feel that you need to meet up sooner rather than later as the emotional time you can spend communicating online can leave you drained and lower your self esteem whe you do finally meet and the above happens.
I also feel that people should be more honest and say if they feel that there is no connection when you meet instead of that awful silence. Hey guys, we all of us dislike rejection but it is more hurtful to do the cowardly thing and not drop a quick communication even if it is to say ‘I had a lovely time but felt that there was no connection’, you will be respected so much more and you won’t have hurt half as much as you think. Be a respectful adult and not a wimp.

Further safety tips, if contacting by phone, why not buy a cheap pay-as-you-go mobile and use that, if all is good then your match can have your usual number but if not you can switch off the spare to avoid unwanted attention. Also please tell close friends where and when your ‘meets’are just in case. There may be a few ‘bad apples’ out there amongst the many nice and genuine people.

I agree about the comment on being brave enough to say when not interested.

I met someone twice recently and thought we’d really connected. Before meeting we’d exchanged several EMails and had a long phone call. It was fun and interesting so I’m surprised not to have heard anything from him since, despite a brief text from me.

It’s fine if he’s decided not to take it any further but I would have appreciated a quick honest text. I’m new to this and am determined to remain positive.

I reckon that this article is spot on a quick cuppa n a chat will tell u more reality about a person then years emailing or communicating via instant messenger even with a web cam. I am disabled but u can only appreciate how i cope with it if u meet me in real life. xxxx Mark

The whole ‘meet up asap’ debacle is a good point. I emailed a guy back and forth for a week or so, then talked on the phone for a further week, but when we met up there was no spark. He seemed a perfect match on ‘paper’ but not in person. I was disappointed, took a few days to mull over whether a spark might grow, but then told him I didn’t think we were suited. I hope I wasn’t too quick to judge, but also didn’t want to waste his time or mine. If I’d waited longer to meet, I could’ve invested a lot more emotionally unnecessarily. As the article says, you won’t lose too much from meeting up for coffee!

Typo in my last message: it should have read “you CAN’T tell if there’s chemistry in an email.

Well, Claire, I DO enjoy just walking out in the countryside and admiring the natural beauty and fresh air. I live in Somerset, having moved from Dorset, and believe me, I know of some really beautiful walks. I like to go on my own but even more so, I like to spend it with another person so that we can appreciate it together. Plus I find it really romantic walking out in the woods with a loved one.

Good list I suppose.

I guess once you guys actually find me a match who wishes to get as far as email I’ll know what to do.

Have to say, having not gotten past your ‘guided communication’ for over a year – this has to be the most demoralising thing I’ve ventured into in my life.

No.1 Great Response. Altho the alluding to us all being prey a little unsettling!! A half way medium I feel. I agree though shouldnt string it out too long by email or text – it often becomes an unreal relationship that you cant maintain in real life. HAve had the ones that rush in and scare you as too fast, the ones that go too slowly and those that seem ok on paper and you meet and have nothing left to talk about. I think the emailing is good as you can usually work out the intellectual capability of the individual, which is a good starting point!

I think a few months communicating via e-mails just to get to know each other is much more telling on a persons personality before you meet them in person, then you can see what they are like before u meet. Then maybe you won’t feel so nervous face to face.

I exchanged 2 e-mails with a guy who really caught my eye and we met up straight after. There was a definite spark and we had 2 great dates. However, he may be the type to get bored quickly or he has met someone else and the spark has died (and he has stopped contact)… So in a way maybe it was better that I met him quickly before investing too much time and energy into e-mails… But the truth is – who bloody knows?

Speaking only for myself, if a match won’t chat on the ‘phone (with her number withheld) after a few emails, she’s either not ready for a new relationship, or not nearly adventurous enough for me. Caution needs to be proportionate to the risk.

Email is a dreadful way of communicating: quite apart from being too easily misinterpreted, the lack of visual or audible cues makes it sterile, and because of the opportunity to edit everything, it usually presents an idealised characterisation.

Barbara – just get out there and meet him – no emails/phone calls etc can match up to the reality of a meet up. He might sound fab on email/phone but turn up and look like the complete opposite of what you expected so dont waste any more time!

So good to know I’m not the only female not getting responses. Thought I was doing something wrong. Have only exchanged 2 emails with one man who then stopped but am currently emailing another who seems interested to meet. I am dithering as I like what he writes but will I be disappointed? Oh well think I must take the jump!

Gillian – if you aren’t getting much communication from members then re-check your profile.

Firstly, does your photo sell you?

Do you mention in your profile information which is unattractive to men?

Check there is nothing negative in your words and make sure if you have children you dont put in phrases like “they are my number one priority” or “they will always come first” – it sounds very defensive and is in no way a selling point as it is completely irrelvant!

Nothing wrong with having kids but there’s a time and a place to talk about them and it’s during later stages such as emails or on a date.

Also avoid saying you spend most of your social time with your children – I read that as someone who doesn’t have a social life.

But most of all, the worst profile crimes I’ve seen are poor photos, or photos deliberately out of focus or bad spelling – I dont want to date an uneducated person who can’t even proof read – it looks like they can’t be bothered. I’d assume a well written profile means an attractive and smart person or at least someone who makes an effort!

I logged in today to find someone I’d been emailing every day or 2 for the past week had closed me – I assume because I hadn’t replied to her email which she’d sent at 8pm wednesday. So I’d say another ‘secret’ of email success is to actually allow people time to reply – for all she knew, I couldn’t been ill for the last couple of days or my pc could have been broken.

I agree with Steve, stay positive and realistic! This is just one extra way to meet people, not the be all and end all. If people aren’t willing to take the plunge with you, then they aren’t right for you in the first place. Don’t let knockbacks demoralise you, as you shouldn’t in ‘real’ life. Your perfect match may not have even joined yet, so review all your new matches with optimism and concentration, like you did when you first joined

yes Cat that’s normal. on the other hand there are plenty out there who think once you give out your phone number and agree to meet up you shouldn’t be communicating with other potential dates until you see how it goes – in my opinion I wont be exclusive until I’ve at least met someone and had some physical contact!

Jo, I don’t think it’s possible to get 70 matches in one go! I think there’s an inbuilt restriction where you’re limited to 20 in any 24 hour period.

My feelings on the open emailing / texting stage is that by a week (at a push two weeks) of emailing you should have a good idea whether you would like to meet up with someone or not. I don’t understand how it can last months. If someone is really interested they will make sure they check their account regularly and respond within a reasonable amount of time. I know I certainly do. No excuses about broken computers surely they have friends with computers they can borrow. If communication had stopped for a while and they hadn’t closed me I would leave them open for two weeks just in case something had come up unexpected. Then after this time they have not responded I will close them. I honestly believe that if it lasts longer than this then the person dragging it on is already seeing someone they quite like and they have you on the back burner just in case that one doesn’t work out. I just can’t be bothered with people like that. I am after a relationship not a pen pal. I know I probably sound harsh but I know what I want from a relationship and it is not someone who doesn’t know what they want.

Martin, I agree non photos are a complete waste of time but I’d suggest you have to allow a month before closing someone off who has no photo because sometimes people create a profile and then have to organise a photo to go on it and not everyone is techically ready to do it until they’ve for example purchased a cable and installed the software to link the camera to the pc.

im just going to go with how i feel at the time…and the man can do the same…if it turns out we are in synche then great

*shrugs*

I don’t lose any sleep over it or analyse it because I believe as one door shuts, another one will soon open. I only get annoyed when I get messed around or have my time wasted by someone who isn’t really looking for a relationship but is dating to fill in time.

Sorry mate to hear your story. I know it’s painful but you just have to move on – you deserve better.

This person has another relationship that they keep going back to – that’s why they said they “werent ready for a relationship” and that’s why they got back to you after 3 weeks. It is completely unhealthy for you to have your emotions/head messed with like this.

They don’t have sufficient respect for you.

It happens to everyone and is not a reflection on you. All it says about you is that you’re a patient and optomistic person who took someone at face value.

I anyone ever says to me “I really like you dont wont to hurt you or mess you about im not ready for a realationship” – I’m out of there as fast as possible. There’s nothing positive about those comments and it indicates someone who isn’t worth another text/phone call or date.

And as you say it’s a waste of time.

If someone disappears and then comes back – all that happens is you end up breaking up with them again. Breaking up with someone is painful enough – twice or more with the same person is just inflicting pain on yourself.

I think that one of the big frustrations with using eharmony is the number of profile “matches” that come from people who are not members and so can’t communicate.

I can understand eharmony wanting to send out as many profiles as possible to non members in an attempt to get them to sign up, but it really is irritating for people who have handed over their cold hard cash already not to know if it is even possible to get a reply from someone.

As a general rule I now immediately discount any profiles that don’t have a photo and are not complete.

Unfortunately this policy seems to leave very few potential matches, even with very loose matching criteria…

Im glad im not the only one to finf no photo’s annoying.. Think I must have hit the bottom of the match pile because its all im getting now… lol

no picture no reply..makes me suspicious..

Ahhh hadnt thought about that one….
lol… im sorry but it does matter that you can see what they look like,,, you do need a certain amount of atraction from the start..
What i find attractive might not be what someone ellse finds attractive…

Agree with the above you have to meet to see if there is any chemisty – I’ve had some great email communication only to find zero spark when meeting in the flesh. The thing is there’s no real best time – you have to do it when you both feel ready, but I would say once you get to that point, actively try to move it forward and suggest a meeting.

To those getting no responses – it might be you Make sure your profile is complete – if you miss out most of the profile sections, I assume that you’re not that bothered enough about finding someone to spend a moment filling the profile out, so why should I bother trying to read between the lines? Also take a look at your questions for the guided communication – I asked a couple of close female friends to review the questions I was sending out and asking their opinions, and was surprised at some of their perceptions of what I was *really* asking. I changed my questions in line with their suggestions and now get more responses.

The “dead profile” syndrome…. another online dating site published an analysis of eharmony, comparing it’s claimed membership stats to its published turnover, and even assuming everyone subscribing was on the most expensive monthly option, it means that the paying subscriber was one in 10 of their published amount. By that logic, assume that only 1 in 10 of the matches you get is able to reply to you – it helps the feeling of rejection when they don’t answer although it does add to frustration instead!

My advice – always make the first move if you are interested in a profile; don’t raise your hopes until they actually answer; move to the next stage as soon as you feel comfortable with doing so, whether it’s 2 days or 2 months of email; if they cut communication off abruptly, leave them open for a bit in case life has taken them over, but don’t be afraid to move on, and come back a couple of weeks later and just close ‘em.

I agree with most of the comments on here, it’s just that I’ve had issues with people thinking something is too good to be true, I think there is a fine line between paranoia and trusting your instincts, there is nothing worse to me than having some one be paranoid. No one is perfect, but for heavens sake, there are really good and genuine people out there that would give you a little bit of heaven on earth. Too good to be true? No! It does exist. But paranoia mixed with too good to be true and you end up with mistrust. Instincts don’t have anything to do with paranoia, instincts are more intelligent than that.

Kayla I don’t think you should be more cautious. In my opinion it went well for you, you found out what kind of “man” he was before spending and thus wasting time/money meeting up.

lol, Martin, I read this forum and just wait for someone to ask your question, lol The posts seem to be more sensible and interestig then all my messages from ‘my matches’ all this year… lol Good Luck to all of us

I think the meeting up thing is sooo important. My mum uses online dating, and there was a lovely gentleman, 50 years old, nice job, beautiful car, seemed to be a really good genuine guy…… In reality, he looked like Shrek, was very arrogant, and clingy. After one date, he assumed they were in a relationship and proceeded to harass her. When she told him to back off, he called her all sorts! It doesn’t always work out in real life, and I’m sure he will meet someone else in real life who is perfect, but you have to kiss a few proverbial frogs sometimes!

Hi, Re the comment from I think Jo, the fact that lots of men on the site not being interested in women of the same age as them… I am what you would describe as ‘mature’, very attractive (modest too!) and look at least 10 years younger than I am. The vast number of messages I get are from men my age or older whom I can only describe as ‘slippers by the fire’ types. I generally prefer men a bit younger than myself because I am young, at least in my heart. The dilemma here: should I lie about my age in the expectation that I will get more of the men I like, or own up to my real age (which I have) and get less..? Polly

@ Hansa, I do feel for you, but don’t give up! Also worth noting that everyone already has the facility to choose the ethnic groups (amongst other criteria) they would be willing to be matched with. Match settings–> Background and Beleifs—>Ethnicity. Matches are asked to tick all boxes that apply. You can safely assume anyone you’ve been matched with is happy to be in a relationship with someone of Indian heritage.

Consider reviewing your photo(s), profile, submit it to eH for review or get some trusted friends to look over it, Have you cast your net wide enough as well? Best of luck

Hi, just joined. Looked at one of the matches and it would appear the questions the gents are asked are different to the ladies…..unless I missed a section ;(
p.s. Polly so agree with your post, meet a ‘slippers by the fire type’ your own joy de vivre could be catching.

Hi Hansa, don’t give up! Bear in mind anyone you’ve been matched with has already opted to be matched with you on basis of age, ethnicity, location, kids, religion, smoking/drinking etc etc. That’s in the match settings tab. If you’re open considering widening your search criteria. Are you in a rural area where not many men have signed up? There could be a number of reasons for slow progress..perhaps review your profile or stick some new pictures too? Wish you well, keep going!

I cant find how else to contact e-harmony.
I am on your site but notice my age is wrong. It seems I am unable to edit it myself. Please help.

Hi Miss J and thank you for that. I have now lowered my minimum age range and accepted smokers. I gave up the evil weed some 3 months ago but sneaked a couple over the Xmas hols but basically I see myself as a non-smoker. I have had quite a few replies from smokers but don’t really want to compromise on that being one step removed myself from addiction, and the temptation to smoke again would be great. Will have to put in my profile “very little will-power to resist temptation”, all sorts of conjecture there..! So far, no replies from 30 year old hunks, smoking or otherwise. Ah, life…

I agree with most peoples opinion. Do not leave it too long before meeting up in person. It’s very easy to idealise someone from emails or texts and think the chemistry is there, when in reality it just isn’t. However all is not lost. If I’ve spent time enjoying reading emails and she has done the same chances are you’re still gonna get on well even if there’s no romance. I’ve made a few friends from here. The most common rejection from dates is I like you but I dont feel a connection connection. However I really wanna stay friends. They then ring up or text later in week and plan next get together. I’m probably leaving it too long. If we are already friends before we date, could be using that time spent emailing to persue other matches if I knew we werent compatible earlier? It’s a bit of a game this. my advice is enjoy the experience. You’ll have bad ones and good ones. Might make a few friends along the way too.

I agree with most of the posts I wouldn’t want to leave it to long from chatting to meeting up couple of weeks to 1 month.

RE: talking to / dating multiple, I agree with Cat and Steve,I think it’s perfectly acceptable to date a few people at once in the early stages as i really dont think you can tell if somethings going somewhere till after 3-4 dates.

How I agree with the comments about unanswered emails. At lease send one to say not interested rather than leave people hanging on wondering if it’s even been delivered or read!

i agree with joannas comments eharmony are wrong to put peoples profiles up when they arent paid members ,as its pointless for real paid up members who cant communicate with them to be given their details and waste their time ,i would not recommend eharmony to anyone ,i was on eharmony for 2 months and had 1 bad date ,i went on a free site and within 1 day i had more messages then i did in 2 months on eharmony

I have to agree with some of the comments regarding none paying members. It seems to be that eharmony are allowing the free search of potential matches to non paying members to try and lure them into paying a subscription if they find a profile they like. I dont think it is fair to the paying members who try and communicate with people and get no response. Fair enough they may be being ignored but there should be membership status highlighted and whether each member is active or not. Just a thought dont shoot me down if Im wrong.

I find the guided communication boring as it repeated all the time with all matches, and till you got to email you’ve almost forgot what they said in the previous commmunications with them! It’s not efficient. Also the website should be updated to show users who are real membership (paid) so that we know who would be able to communicate!

I joined eHarmany as following several months after my Wife’s tragic death it was time to start the process of moving on…
I agree with several of the comments above and have just secured a date which involves me returning to the UK from Spain (as that’s were I live at the minute) Ok at 41 I am no young puppy but I do have a thirst for life and am many years away from slippers and pipe lifestyle. I do wish that some of the contacts would have seen past the location problem.. One of one’s who did look past, didn’t have a photo initially and believe me I now understand why…. She would have had so many hits.. That wasn’t what she was looking for. There are some genuine people out there and nothing ventured nothing gained. I hope that when we date that things go well obviously, but if not there will be others going forwards….
Don’t forget this is only one tool in your toolbox and you maybe, just maybe bump into your 1 in your local supermarket or somewhere!

I think I have sussed this site out! This American / Americanised site / system needs revamping for the European market as the USA style of doing things is NOT the way most Europeans do things so…. – EH – Front and Center drop and give me 20! seriously, this needs serious ‘tweeking’ as there are several issues that need addressing. There is one question I did ask EH which they have not answered to any satisfaction – on some of my introductions when I opened them the page was filled with ‘The Profile you are looking for could not be found’. This raises an important question Why are they sending out non existing profiles as ‘perfect’ matches? cone on EH sort it out.

Just be yourself,a genuine guy will usually ask you out or for number within min 6 emails. The only time guys dont is when they are hiding something, like the fact thier pics are out of date or are worried they wont match up to the hype they’ve made up about themselves in person, are hoping to win you over online as think that’ll eliviate the risk of rejection in person, which obviously it doesnt, it just wastes your time, as in person they will be lacking lol . Most of us have had a couple of dates with these sorts, genuine guys who are all that, do not want to email you for weeks they want to meet you and sooner rather than later

My heart goes out to you Vicky. I spent an intense 5-7 days over and just after Easter chatting to this guy who said all the right things. We seemed to hit it off pretty well, had lots in common and chemistry was there. Then bam! Nothing from him for the past week. Which has left me wondering what I did wrong! It is heart breaking and can lower your self-esteem.
5 years is a long time though to be looking. Maybe there’s something amiss in your pursuit. Perhaps a different approach. I am not expert at this but don’t give up. There’s someone out there! I have enjoyed reading comments on this site – it’s comforting to know that am not alone in this

Hi all, Like many others, I have enjoyed reading these comments. I have heard from several men that they have found women on dating sites just wasting time and not wanting to meet, which they put down to them just being on for fun…certainly not my idea of fun. I think trawling through profiles is quite time consuming and a photo is a necessity to help save time.It reminds me I must update mine!This is a great way to meet new people. Some guys just seem to be so slow to ask to meet, as someone else said on here I am not looking for a pen pal… you can only know if there is any chemistry by meeting in person!

I agree with Ellie, when she says about holding our hand. I prefer to just say hello to a person and introduce myself as a friend rather than E harmonies daft questions that make me feel like a school kid. I have contacted my first lady on this site and she has not responded to the forced on me questions after four hours. If I try someone else I shall have to send some more doppy questions that surely will not get a response. Oh well, that’s life.

You are soo right Susan re: some guys take too long in asking a gal out. This then leads to being emotionally spent due to endless email exchanges only for a guy to decide, for whatever reason, that they don’t want to communicate with you anyone subsequently closing you as a match with no common courtesy for an explanation as to why! Yes, it is time consuming and as that same someone said, we’re not here looking for pen-pals! For sure, one can only be sure by meeting in person, sooner rather than later!!!
All said and done, one can only enjoy the ride and not take things to heart lest low self-esteem and confidence sets in and knocks you back for a hundred!
Personally, I wouldn’t recommend eharmony, but then again everyone has different experiences
Good luck all.

I had no luck what so ever, i think i got one interested person who lived in the same town just wanted internet conversation, 3 months wasted and no date. Then just as i cancelled my membership i got a message from what i thought was a really nice guy who said on his profile that honesty was a must. Anyway he did all the running, called me everyday emailed also was very keen. We had so much in common it was scary. We met and i thought it went well. He went alittle quiet after that. I asked him if he wasn’t interested and he said he was. Well if thats the case how come i still haven’t heard from him. Why when honesty is so important to him can’t he at least tell me. Christ i’d rather have a 2 word email or text saying F*** off. I think there are far too many people on these sites that like the thrill of the chase but have no intention of dating. Its hard enough as it is without the time wasters. Please guys show some respect. If you don’t like the person you claim to have had an amazing connection with via the site in person let them know. It may hurt their feelings but at least they will know and can move on !!!!

i have just re-joined this site again after a few mths break from it. I just want to know why it is that matches don’t have the decency to tell you to get lost, if they are no longer interested. For exmaple i had a match from june (when i wasn;t active) and 2 weeks ago, he sent me a eharmony mail, we sent a few on here then progessed to emailing outside of here which we have been doing for 2 weeks. As soon as i speak to him on the phone for the 1st time, that’s that, no more emails either on here or outside. It makes me feel like i did something wrong. I just wish they would tell me to take a hike!

I would like to add that an “activity” date sounds absolutely horrendous for a starter – I can only think some sports fanatic posted this looking out for thier own interest – if you are intelligent and conversant then cofee should not be too stressful – to try something unknown like …what is meant – white water rafting perhaps is something that needs mor time and knowledge and trust

I have been very annoyed about the lies that my matches have told about themselves, it might seem to them that by exagerating their height, weight, age etc they will attract a certain type of person. I might not be bothered if you are only 5 ft 6 but have a cracking personality, but please do not lie and put 6 ft on your profile. Yes, it has happened to me!
so, please, tell the truth at all times!

Hi all
I’m very new to this and a lot of people seem to dismiss people with no photo – thank you Steve from Manchester for pointing out that sometimes instant foto ain’t possible!! I haven’t got a recent solo one so am checking with friends to see what they have. While I understand where people are coming from with this – patience please you guys, give us a couple of weeks at least….

Interesting reading! having only been on the site for 4 days, andnever having done on line dating before Imust say I am apprehensive. Not only at whenis it right to meet up, but all the horror stories Im hearing are scarey…who wants to put themselves on the line to get hurt?

First guy I was matched with responded to my ice breaker. We have been emailing 2-3 times a day now he says his subscription is ocming to an end and wants me to privately email, but there is a warning from eh about being aware of people moving too fast and wanting to move to private emailing quickly…..Confused.com!!

If only most women would say no thanks politely it would be great.

Short messages are best and whenever messages have gone past 8 or more and the person still wants to know more before meeting it’s time to move on as they obviously have doubts.

Clint