Relationship Advice

How long should you wait for a reply?




Dear eHarmony,

I am at the Open Communication stage with one of my matches. It has been about a week since I communicated but I haven’t heard a thing. How long should I wait before ending all communication with them? How long does it generally take for a match to respond?



Dear Sarah,

The speed of someone’s response will depend on their online dating site habits and their level of interest in a match. So, when communicating with a match it’s best to wait at least seven to ten days for a response. Failure to respond doesn’t necessarily spell a lack of interest. It could be down to work schedule or a holiday, so don’t take it personally.

To kick a match into action if you haven’t heard anything within the seven to ten day period, you can send them a ‘Nudge’. They will receive an e-mail notice reminding them that you are waiting for a response. Again, wait another seven to ten days to hear back from them.

Another option is to simply be patient and consider leaving an unresponsive match open. Many happy eHarmony couples tell us that their relationship began in this way, with one person sending communication and the other not replying for weeks, sometimes months. So don’t give up!

Take the experiences of Mike and Katy. ‘It was up to me to send a reply,’ says Katy. ‘Mike was teeming with anticipation but was frustrated by my delayed response.’ Weeks went by with no change and Mike was so disillusioned that he chose to close the match. ‘I had been away on business, ironically 30 minutes away from where Mike was living, but I was so engulfed with a project, coupled with the lack of access to my personal computer that I was not able to reply until I returned home,’ she explains.

Thankfully, they were saved by the option to send a closed match a message saying ‘Please reconsider, I think we had a connection.’ The pair re-opened communication and a year after their first date, they were engaged. So don’t despair. Sometimes patience can reap rewards.

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22 thoughts on “How long should you wait for a reply?

  1. Dear eHarmony,

    Do you think it would be helpful in reaching a decision when to close a Match if one knew when a Match last logged on to their Profile.

    There are many reasons why one is unable to access their Profile (ill health being a major possibility for more mature people).

    At the moment I find many of the Matches notified appear to even fail to reply to Icebreakers (which I think shows a lack of courtesy).

    The ‘Who has viewed my Profile’ is some use, but, if one does not know when a person last logged on it is hard to determine whether a possible Match is not interested or has not even looked at one’s Profile.
    At 78 I have not given up on finding a Match.


  2. Alan – I hope you find your match, good luck.

  3. i believe e-harmony should add in the ‘last logged’ on information as this will help avoid time wasting not knowing if a match is no longer interested or has just not been able to log on.

  4. “Thankfully, they were saved by the option to send a closed match a message saying ‘Please reconsider, I think we had a connection.’”
    Yet, you’ve removed this option eharmony. I really think you need to go back to how it was with the reasons for closing and the option of asking someone to reconsider.

  5. Steve, Manchester

    October 21, 2010 at 11:50 PM

    reason for closing must have been removed for a erm reason! I assume most people would lie and select ‘distance’ cos they don’t want to type in ‘not my type’. and I don’t like the idea of being rejected AND being told (by loads of girls) that I’m not “their type” or whatever.

  6. Steve, Manchester

    October 21, 2010 at 11:52 PM

    I agree re the option to send a closed match a message. Sometime you can close someone ‘cos you’re having a bad day or got the wrong idea or thought they were not that interested.

  7. I also feel the option to send a closed match a message should be brought back. It’s quite deflating when someone “closes” you and you feel as if you are left hanging with no options (especially if you feel something you said could have been misunderstood – as in my case). I think it would be more empowering / create peace of mind for the closed person to have the final word. Good luck to everyone searching for their perfect match!

  8. I agree with the suggestion that the feature of “last logged in to their profile’ would be helpful. At least we would know which matches are just ignoring us

  9. Steve, manchester

    November 4, 2010 at 11:47 AM

    I think Marie has a point – you don’t know if someone is off on holiday or busy with a family crisis OR if they are logging in each day and just ignoring you,

  10. EHarmony needs another rehaul. The site is quite problematic.
    1. Log ins. You have no way of knowing when someone last logged in, which may help determine one’s decision to close or keep open a match (if I saw a guy online everyday for a week and he hadn’t responded to an open email, I would probably lean toward closing).
    2. Paying versus non-paying members. This causes all sorts of issues. I understand the marketing strategy behind this for EH, but you are tempting non-payers at your subscribers’ expense (no pun intended).
    Eharmony needs to brainstorm and improve their site so that members feel more in control of and at ease with the dating experience.

  11. I agree with some of the writers on this page,logins and “please reconsider”would be a very good idea if it was reinstated.
    While I am on this page could anyone tell me how to delete who “viewed me and closed matches” on my home page?

  12. What I want to know is, If say you send a icebreaker to a match and they DO look at your profile but after all that looking they decide you’re NOT worth the bother of a reply, why don’t they just archive you? I mean if you’ve ticked the little box that says “if they archive you then THEY won’t show up on your matches” It just seems a bit heartless, that YES they will look but NO you ain’t worth it but hey! you still get the preasure of looking at me and think about what you’re missing.

  13. To Debbie – If someone is showing up in your recent views and is still in your New Match folder, this means you are sitting in their New Match or Archive folder. You have no way of knowing which one.

    They only move to your Archive folder if you archive them or they have CLOSED you.

    Archive – means I’ll come back and check you out later. Closed – party’s over, they’re not interested.

    PS why not try sending the initial questions instead of icebreakers.

  14. How do I send an ” unresponsive match open”.

    Thanks Dex

  15. I also agree with several of these comments – it would be great to have a “last logged in” option – there are times when I have spent ages thinking I’ve said something wrong and they’re ignoring me – but they might not have been online.

  16. I also agree with the “last logged in” option would save a lot of confusion!

  17. Why not bring back the functionality to reply with a ‘pls reconsider’ ??

  18. definately agree that EH should consider:
    1) ‘last online/logged in’ option
    2) flag (little logo or something) whether someone has an active paid membership
    3) reintroduce the ‘please reconsider’ for a closed match
    4) bring back the opportunity to send a closed match message

    the first two being the most useful i think.
    will EH be able to give us feedback as to whether it will consider any of the ideas/feedback on this page? x

  19. Personally i feel if people were genuinely interested in finding a match, they would log in anyway at least once a week. So knowing the last log in date to me wouldnt make that much of a difference.
    After a week of no response or communication, you can pretty much accept there wont be any.
    In 2011…..if someone wanted to, they could find a way to log in.
    Most mobile phones have the facility these days as well as ipods and ipads etc, not just the computer at home.
    If communication has already begun and youve not heard back from a recent message…..then only each individual can decide what they deem acceptable.
    Would knowing the last log in really help you? Surely if they were interested they should be keen to be logging in as often as possible.
    If someone seriously wants to be a part of your life…..they will make a serious effort to do so.
    Just my thoughts though…..Good luck everyone x

  20. i give 3 days if no response their loss and i don,t do nudges as they should,ve need nudges you are adults not children if your interested you find the time to response even if your away you can still use an internet cafe i hear to many excuses. I am always very busy but i always find the time to check my emails.

  21. the whole two step process of archiving and then closing is very cumbersome. There should be an option to bulk close rather than having to enter each and every profile in order to close the match. Or to either archive or close. Sorry, but I just don’t have the hours a day necessary to keep up with the admin this site requires. It takes long enough just to review new matches and weed the maybe’s from the yeses and definitely nots.
    I also agree with the non-paying member issue. The way its going this site just isn’t worth the time, effort and cost.

  22. If I dont receive return communication within a week and I know they have visited my profile then I will close the match. If someone contacts me, I will respond asap, as I would at work or with a friend. No responding is rude or indicative of no interest and I am not interested in this ‘leave them hanging’ stuff that men do, too teenage for me.

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