12 January 2010
The eHarmony etiquette guide
by eHarmony
Internet dating, like every kind of dating culture that has gone before it, has its own set of rules. But do you practice good eHarmony etiquette?
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It can be hard to know the unwritten rules of any new technology or culture. For example, most regular internet users now know that using CAPS when writing something online is often perceived as shouting – but anyone new to technology probably wouldn’t know that. So to make it a little easier, we’ve compiled a guide to your most common questions about using eHarmony the ‘right’ way.
Be clear from the start with a match
When you reach open communication with a match, it’s a good idea to lay out the ground rules of how you will communicate – how often you will be in touch, promising to let each other know if you will be unable to communicate for any reason.
Keep it brief
If you’ve gone through Guided Communication you will probably have lots to talk about with your match. But, rather than making your first few messages essay length, ask just a couple of questions. You will find it less of a task to write a smaller email, and your match won’t be left feeling overwhelmed.
Conversation is a two-way thing
In Open Communication you can write as many messages as you like, but remember that it should be a dialogue. Never write more than a couple of messages without getting a response – it can look desperate, and will give your match the wrong impression. If you feel the urge to send your match an unprompted message, check how long it’s been since their last message. You can also read our email dos and don’ts here
Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in person
It’s easy to say things on email that you wouldn’t say in person. While it’s important to ask your match certain things, don’t ask them any questions you’d be embarrassed to ask in person. They may feel you are prying – or they may return the ‘favour’.
Stay safe
Only share personal information when you’re ready. Don’t let anyone press you into giving out your contact details – even your email address. Remember that Open Communication on eHarmony gives you a level of safety as we don’t reveal any of your personal details, and once you’ve given out your personal information you can’t take it back. If you have any concerns about an eHarmony member, let us know at matchconcerns@eharmony.com
If these pointers seem obvious to you – well done, you’re already one of our clued up members. But for some users internet dating can be a bit of a minefield, and it’s important to be as knowledgeable as possible. If you need any more information, our Help section is full of practical tips.
1
Mike
16 January 2010 14:49
It’s all very well saying how often you’ll communicate once one reaches ‘Open Communication’ but I think you should also point out that it’s only polite to respond to the earlier stages in a timely fashion as well. I have 184 people I’m theoretically ‘communicating’ with but some of them haven’t responded to messages I sent way back on 5 December. I suppose, realistically, I should write them off and consign them to the ‘closed’ list but how long should I wait for a reply?
Mike
2
susie
16 January 2010 21:11
Re Mike’s comment. I have ‘communicated’ with guided questions as requested to a number of people on here and had NO response. Some have closed with genuine reasons, many haven’t responded at all. Surely it is polite to reply.
Also, I have had no-one make initial contact to me- surely I’m not that bad!
p.s. I do have a sense of humour!
Susie
3
Teresa
23 January 2010 14:45
The frustrating thing I’ve found so far is that open communication continues for too long. I don’t want to seem to eager in giving out my phone number of e-mail address, but after 4-5 messages each, isn’t it time to move to the next step? How do I do that and what if there is more than a 2hr train ride between us…how do I meet for a casual coffee so far away? Suggestions…..would be great….:)
4
Tom
1 February 2010 08:29
Once you’ve used the site for a while you become hardened to ‘closed’ messages and delays in receiving responses. I now prefer receiving ‘closed’ messages to the delay, because at least it saves time and reduces the number of profiles I’ve got to wade through.
5
Helen
2 February 2010 16:14
If your’e not interested please close the match!!!!
6
Helen B
17 February 2010 23:13
Hi. I would just like to say that I get inundated with matches. At least 10 a day. I thought this site was more particular to your requirements but it doesn’t appear so. I found the ‘match settings’ hard to figure out too. I mean I’m 5ft 4 but I would want my date to be taller so does that mean the height of my date matters to me greatly or not. I fear if I choose yes this means I get sent matches of similar height to me….help anyone..? Also there isn’t a question that asks if you want to be matched with someone with any children at all not just the ones they live with……help again…!!!
7
Shirley
27 February 2010 14:16
Helen B – I too wondered about the height thing, it is a strangely worded question and isn’t clear what your rating will result in – comment please EH?
Also – and I have posted the same elsewhere – I too think there should be considerably more detail about children. I have a friend (no children) dating someone with three and it is the one huge buggaboo between them. I want none of that. I have no children from choice – I’m far too self-absorbed – and I’d like to meet my counterpart who is similarly driven by career, personal freedom, travel, social whirl etc.
Let’s have an absolutely no children option.
8
Fiona
7 July 2010 18:55
I am also disappointed with how few people respond at all to requests for guided communication. I’ve got around 20 people that I’m ‘communicating’ with and only 1 has responded at all. One other initiated communication with me. I’ve been on the site for a month already and have only reached the open communication stage with 1 person. And his first message was requesting we communication by email, which worried me. I’m assertive, so did say not yet, but it doesn’t seem like a good sign.
I agree it is polite to at least respond. Going through the guided communication is not much of an effort and then if there is not a spark, it’s not hard to simply say you’re not feeling it.
Re: Helen B, I also get inundated with matches. Very frustrating considering 90% of the ones I’ve tried communicating with simply don’t respond.
9
Barbara
7 August 2010 23:32
As a newbie of only one week I find this fascinating – why do people pay their subs then not respond at all? I am sending out feelers but only had one – unexpected – response!! Am I expecting too much???
10
dan
8 August 2010 12:09
I have sent icebreakers and used the guided communication with lots of my matches, yet heard nothing back from any of them.
What I think would be a good idea, is if we were able to see whether the matches have proper subscriptions (and so are able to respond) rather than just the free account. This way, we would know whether to expect a reply or not before making any communication, and possibly hoping for something that’s not going to happen.
I sent this suggestion to eharmony through the email form 4/5 times, with no reply from any, even though it says to expect a reply within 24 hours. but they sent me an email asking me to fill in customer service satisfaction survey!
Quite ironic that eharmony are offering etiquette advice, when their own isn’t up to much!!
11
Della
8 August 2010 19:36
I am findng the response time to be tedious and labourious. I am starting to think that eharmony have a vested interest in delaying aspects of communication with a view to extending membership fees.
12
spencer
8 August 2010 20:11
I don’t understand all the negative comments here. I joined eharmony three weeks ago. I have had loads of responses to requests for communication, yes a few choose not to respond, maybe they are communicating with someone else and want to keep it to one at a time!I think that after a number of emails it is good to try and chat by phone.
13
Julia
10 August 2010 20:44
I’m surprised by how uptight people seem to be! Yes people don’t always respond to the guided communication – but nevermind eh, just try someone else! I would say if someone hasn’t responded after about a week it might be time to take the hint – there is always the ‘nudge’ option after 2 weeks. As for closing people you’re not interested in rather than just not replying – I’ve found I can’t do this at certain stages of communication.
Also think suggesting eharmony drags out comms to make more money is harsh – I think the comms process is fab; many matches are heading towards open comms quicker than I’m comfortable with!!
14
Nathan
11 August 2010 10:27
I have found that there are a great number of people who accept open comms, but then have never replied, or they accept and then close me within a day or two without ever replying to the opening email. Sadly, I think that the world we live in is a tad self obsessed and think that many people just like the idea rather than the reality of a relationship. It would certainly be useful to have a way of closing lots of matches at a time! I have sent hundreds of icebreakers, but most go completely ignored! Please just bin me if you are not interested!
There are also a huge number of ladies out there claiming that honesty is their main need in a guy, but let’s be honest, we all need to have someone we find attractive too! There needs to be some level of control regarding this too?! I agree with the no kids at all thing too!!!
15
Kate
11 August 2010 18:23
A major problem with the site is that after your membership lapses, your profile remains up unless you specifically remove it. You still receive matches too but cannot respond to requests for communication. A huge number of the people therefore you are matched with or request communication with may no longer even be using the site…..
16
Julie
13 August 2010 10:34
I agree with the comments about the match settings (Helen B / Shirley). I selected the height thing as important and have been matched with men 3 inches shorter than me and 10 inches taller – still trying to figure that one out! lol. Plus I wasn’t impressed with the original questionnaire – “I hate…” is very harsh and not the same as ‘I’m not attracted to…’ I wonder if any of the eHarmony bods have actually sat down and gone through the process from a customer point of view.
Re Barbara’s comments – I’m wondering, if we’re all on here parting with our hard earned cash to try and meet “the one” then why do people lie on their profile? – eg.I’ve had one whose photo was 10 years out of date (I kid you not, and one heck-of-a shocker when we met up!) and he actually stated that he was ‘genuine’ and wanted ‘honesty’. Surely anyone paying to be on here would be genuine, and should have grown out of that stage a long time ago.
I must admit I’m starting to get very disillusioned with it all…
17
Anna
13 August 2010 14:56
I think the more time you spend on this site the more rewarding it will be, however I do feel that children, and previously married options should be added. I also agree witht the height thing as you can’t put in shortest and tallest options. I am 5ft 3″ and would ideally like to be with someone who is a good few inches taller than me, but not someone over a foot taller…..
18
Colin
16 August 2010 22:16
Been on this site for two months now and I’m seriously disillusioned with it. In that time I’ve been inundated with matches (>150), I’ve contacted about 10 women but had no reply from any of them, only a handful of people have viewed my profile (c’mon ladies, I’m not that repulsive…) and nobody has contacted me. By contrast, I’ve also been on MatchAffinity for the same time (my Gran always said not to put all my eggs in one basket), and from there I’ve had really lovely correspondences with 8 women and been on two dates. Beginning to think some of the profiles on here are inactive (Match Affinity tells you when a member last logged in and whether or not your messages have been read). I also suspect that some of the positive comments on this thread may not be genuine – as there seems to be a lot of bad PR about eHarmony in the wider Blogosphere.
I don’t know whether eHarmony was designed to guard against weirdos, but I find its design frustratingly restrictive and frankly, a bit uptight. It seems to take no account of cultural differences between the US and the UK – British people (especially Scottish people like myself) are generally much more open and genuine. I’m not afraid of e-stalkers – like getting behind the wheel of a car it’s a risk you take when you go online – if someone contacts me who I don’t want to hear from then I’ll either ignore them or block their messages. I’m a 37 year-old adult with 3 degrees, a lot of life-experience and a very responsible job, and as such I think I should be allowed to make my own decisions about when to email somebody. Especially as I am paying handsomely for the privilege…
19
Sharon
19 August 2010 18:06
I have to agree with most on here, it’s very frustrating when you find someone you are interested in send them the 1st question and then nothing. Unless they look at your profile you don’t even know if they’ve read the request. Could Colin’s (18) idea of having last logged in date on show and whether they are a member or not on their profile. This would at least let us know that they are still breathing! And why can’t people just close a match if the person is not for them, it’s not to much to ask is it? I would much rather just have half a dozen interested people then 30 who can’t be bothered. The no children idea is great, a lot of the profiles on here state no kids but that just means not living with them. If you carry on reading you then realise that they do have kids. It needs to be much clearer, there are a lot more people now who may have kids, from 1 or 2 different relationships, or have chosen to not have kids.
20
Steve
20 August 2010 00:37
if they displayed a last logged in date then it would put you off subscribing or extending your membership ‘cos it would probably show how most members haven’t logged in for ages.
is it that E Harmony dont display the last logged in date because they have something to hide?
21
Dave
22 August 2010 14:52
I’m starting to wonder why some of the people who’ve joined this site even bothered, i’ve been sent loads of matches, sent loads of ice-breakers, some of them get answered, some don’t. The ones who’ve answered i’ve had quite long conversations with, then when it’s time to ‘move it on a stage’ they close.
Fair enough, but if their not interested then why entertain the conversation for so long, it seems to me that there’s quite a few people on this site that just want to talk, all very well and nice but aren’t we all paying to meet people, not just to talk.
22
Steve
23 August 2010 18:38
I’m with you on that Dave. I think there are a lot of people who have joined who are time wasters.
The ones that just want to talk but never meet have something to hide, an existing relationship that isn’t ok but they aren’t over or isn’t over OR they are 10 years older than their pic OR they are a big fat person?
23
Kerrie
26 August 2010 11:21
I agree with the children issue raised here. I have looked with interest at a couple of profiles, then notice they have children which puts me off. If I could have the option to be matched with men who don’t have children already I would definitely choose that.
I also think there should be a “sorry, not interested” option for responding to icebreakers or the 5 questions communication, there doesn’t seem to be a way to say I’m not interested, rather than just leave the comms open and the guy on the other end waiting for those comms to be answered.
EH seems to have matched me up (where they relax the criteria) with people I wouldn’t dream of dating – I mean absolutely nothing matches at all. I’d like the chance to let EH know that these people are totally wrong for me.
On the plus side, I emailed a match on here and he responded saying he’d now started dating someone but he thought he’d let me know because it would have been rude not to respond. I was really pleasantly surprised and thought it was very nice of him to email me back.
How does one “close” a comms?!
24
eharmony
26 August 2010 11:42
Hi Kerrie,
Thanks for your comments.
Regarding the ‘no children’ preference, in your ‘My Settings’ tab, under Personal Preferences, you can choose to only receive matches who have no children. The caveat to this is that we ask members to specify whether or not they have children under the age of 18, living with them full-time. If they have children over 19 and/or living with them part time, then you may still be matched with them. However, you should usually be able to ascertain from their ‘About Me’ profile whether they have grown-up children or not.
We’re currently putting together a guide to perfecting your Personal Preferences, so look out for it in the next few weeks. There are lots of simple tweaks members can do to ensure they are receiving matches that suit their criteria.
Hope this helps.
Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice
25
Al
28 August 2010 23:20
As I’m new I thought I’d read up about how things are done on EH. I must saty I’m still not sure I understand how you close a match without seeming rude and how you let someone know you are before you’re even in “free communication”
And I’m sorry EH but just saying no children under 18 living with you full time is not enough! I don’t want to worry about sharing time at weekends with a 4 year old or having to deal with a prospective partner having to dash off because his 10 year old’s fallen off his bike…at his Mum’s house. This needs to be more specific as I do not want to be involved with someone who has any responsibility for kids whatsoever.
26
Vanessa
1 September 2010 21:15
Hello campers. May I say that I totally agree with Kerrie’s note about there needing to be a polite response option of “thanks, but no thanks”. Surely this would be good for everyone and prevent some of this disillusionment? There are people who have contacted me and I have no way of letting them know that the feeling is not mutual without ignoring them. Hardly good manners, is it? I feel uncomfortable not having an appropriate response.
I also agree wholeheartedly with the height thing. When I asked eHarmony about this, they told me to put it in my profile to put shorter people off contacting me! Why on earth can’t it be a preference option? Not happy with that.
Finally, I agree with the children information issue- it is only fair to be able to make preferences on such important facts.
These three key issues are seriously affecting whether or not I will renew the rather pricey subscription. I feel somewhat shackled and unable to exercise my free will so, unless this customer feedback is given due consideration, it is unfortunately unlikely.
27
Steve, Manchester
5 September 2010 11:30
Vanessa, I think people would be just as equally disillusioned if they constantly got a ‘thanks but no thanks’ message – I know this because another site had that option and 90% of the emails I got were that message until in the end you got fed up with getting umpteen ‘no thanks’ messages each day. You say you have people contacting you and have no way of letting them know the feeling isn’t mutual – yes you have – it’s called the CLOSE button – no damage is done by doing this and if the person being Closed can’t handle it then they really aren’t stable enough to date if they can’t take rejection from a computer screen/stranger.
28
Steve, Manchester
5 September 2010 11:32
I have around 150 people on my list who aren’t responding – I would really appreciate it if they aren’t interested then they click on CLOSE and stop wasting my time – or are they keeping me in reserve?
29
JM
8 September 2010 23:03
Mike (1)
I have 349 matches and have probably only closed a few. I don’t generally as they a people not doors. But there has been the odd one I have thought “what!”. Like the girl who’s profile picture was taken with toilet cubicles in the background! lol
Teresa (3) I think 4-5 messages is about “average” for me to suggest communication outside EH. I am guy so its usually me who suggest first, but not always and everyone is different. Sometimes when I suggest communication outside Eh I say its OK if you want to take your time, is that OK? I do tend to vary how long I take to suggest coms. beyond EH depending on the situation.
Steve (28)
Actually I can see your point too.
30
Steve, manchester
9 September 2010 13:30
JM – I’ve also see some of those toilet cubicle pics or pics taken in a bathroom!
and what about photos taken of the girl lying/posing on the bed – when I see a pic like that I assume that it was taken by an ex? unless of course they get their friends to take pics of them lying on the bed posing? yuck!
If my ex g/f used pics I’d taken of her lying on her bed to post on a dating site I’d view that as complete disrepect for the privacy and memory of the relationship we had. So when I see a pic on a dating site which I think was taken by an ex b/f it’s major off putting.
31
Chez
16 September 2010 09:17
One way to sort the wheat from the chaff is to close any match without at least one recent photo ( the date of which should be shown). No photo, no read.
32
Steve, manchester
16 September 2010 09:33
if you do that you might be ruling out someone who has only just put their profile on and is awaiting approval for their photo. I have just gone through and closed about 200 matches who were sent to me july/august time because either they still have no photo or they haven’t replied to the nudges. I’ve also photo nudged any where there isn’t a photo. So if after 4 weeks (or more) a photo still hasn’t appeared I think it’s safe to assume it’s an idiot/time waster.
33
Sands
23 September 2010 02:21
Another thing that would be useful is a free ‘icebreaker’ type comment that says – I am not sunscribed yet but thankyou for the message. I haven’t yet paid up and someone has sent me a messge – and I would like to let him know I am not ignoring him – just currently unable to reply.
Another thing I have seen elsewhere that you can’t do here is read but not reply to a message when you haven’t paid up. I think it is great if you can read a message someone has sent to you. – to get a further idea of them! I am far more tempted to subscribe fully when a message catches my interest.
34
Debbie
23 September 2010 13:04
I hate this site. My membership is up on the 26th and I have not renewed. I have been matched with people 200 miles from me, when I have asked for matches near to my home. I have been matched with some one who cannot see the point in reading and thinks it’s a waste of time, whilst I am an avid reader. I give up now. I find the site confusing, it really isn’t user friendly. I had high hopes for this site after all the great ads, but I have been disappointed. I have joined matchaffinity and already I am chatting to a couple of people in my area. I am going to try to remove my profile from this site as I do believe there are a number of profiles left on here that are no longer “live”
I do wish you all luck
35
eharmony
23 September 2010 13:11
Hi Debbie,
Thanks for your comments. We’re sorry you haven’t had the experience you hoped for with eHarmony – it’s not for everyone, but we wish you all the luck in the future.
You can call our Customer Care team for free, Mon-Fri, 8am-8pm on 0800 028 0308 to ensure your account is cancelled and the profile completely removed from our site.
Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice
36
Steve, manchester
23 September 2010 17:28
I’ve used it and dont rate matchaffinity – I found hardly anyone on it and those using it tend to be the same folk as on ‘match’. As for Match, because there are search functions and the ability to wink at as many members as your fingers can do in any login period, it just becomes a meat market. As for emailing on Match – a lot of people on that site aren’t subscribers and just dont reply.
This site restricts the number/flow of people you get sent to you so everyone gets a more balanced experience.
Whereas a ‘normal’ site where you can search for an contact anyone locally, it means the hot chick or hot bloke who lives near me will get 100 emails a day and ignore 95% cos of the profile pic.
A site like this, if they sorted out all the problems/functionality, is miles better in my opinion because the amount of ‘interest’ you get doesn’t increase massively if you have a sexy photo because everyone only gets a handful of matches a day. And hopefully that means people will spend more time reading the profiles and not just pick out the ones where they look good in the pic.
37
Steve, manchester
23 September 2010 17:35
BUT there is obviously a problem with the eharmony site if people aren’t subscribing.
Is it too expensive?
Does there need to be a 3 day free trial like match offer people?
OR perhaps if you buy a month’s subscription, only on the days you login to the site should your subscription be used. e.g. if you buy 1 month starting from monday of this week and dont use the site this weekend then it only subtracts 5 days from the month you have paid for.
And …. no photos…. surely your profile should not be allowed to go live until you have put your photo on?
38
Gareth
26 September 2010 15:24
I would love an option to reply to someone that has opened communications with me to say thank you but I can’t reply until I subscribe. A one or two week trial of full membership for £10-£15 would be great for this site. If only one person messages me, do I really want to blow £35 on a month’s membership? If I can’t see pics then the answer, sadly for them and for EH is no.
39
Gene
30 September 2010 12:00
As a new member I too think the system confusing,when I open a match it is because I recognise the area he lives in, then I know we COULD meet for a coffee and a chat.Of the two men who have been in touch, one lives in Cumbria, beautiful country but one hell of a comute to London.
I also feel there should be a speedy and polite way to say in ones own words that Im not interested.
40
Steve, manchester
1 October 2010 11:58
the speedy and polite way to indicate you aren’t interested is to click on Archive then click on CLOSE. it’s better the person knows where they stand, it saves a lot of time.
I have 500 matches in my folder who aren’t responding but can’t be bothered to Close me – I wont lose any sleep over being rejected by a blunt ‘close’ cos it’s just a computer screen and there is no emotional attachment but I am annoyed if they are clogging up my screen when they aren’t interested.
41
Pat
2 October 2010 09:25
Have been on this site for a while and will subscribe when I find someone I think will be a good match. This is a free weekend but I still cannot see any photographs. Am I doing something wrong? If not then I can’t see the point of a free weekend. What is FREE????
42
eharmony
4 October 2010 10:02
Hi Pat,
Our Free Communication Weekends allow non-subscribers to communicate with their matches using Guided Communication. However, you must subscribe in order to send your matches emails (eHarmony Mail or Fast Track) and view photos. You can find out more here:
http://help-singles.eharmony.co.uk/app/answers/detail/a_id/3107
Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice
43
Steve, Manchester
5 October 2010 00:57
it’s a free communication weekend. if you want to see photos you have to pay.
44
Sally Wilson
5 October 2010 14:53
eHarmony why give me free wkend to talk to people but i can t see their photos whats the point?
45
Steve, manchester
5 October 2010 16:26
why should you expect something for free?
I paid my subscription – why should there be people out there who expect to be able to freeload?
46
Kate
18 October 2010 23:47
I’m new to this. What do I do when a match sends me a message, but I know I am not interested? Surely it’s polite to respond, but what if you don’t want to go any further. How rude is it to ‘close the match’?
47
eharmony
19 October 2010 09:53
Hi Kate,
Thanks for your question. Our ‘Close’ feature might feel uncomfortable to use for some people at first, but it is a very simple and effective way of letting your matches know you’re not interested. This frees both sides up to pursue other matches. Of course, if you’re not sure about a match, you can Archive them instead. You can find out more about the benefits of the Archiving here:
http://help-singles.eharmony.co.uk/app/answers/detail/a_id/2663/kw/archive/r_id/166
Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice
48
Gene
20 October 2010 08:38
There are far too many matches coming up who do not display a photo, why is that, do they have something to hide?? I would emagine most people would like to see the image before commiting to writing, the purpose being to make contact and maybe a long term friend, lover, husband. A photograph is the first invitation to get in touch, the words being manipulative.
So, let there be ..NO photo. No match of the day.
49
Steve, Manchester
23 October 2010 19:20
Gene, they don’t have a photo ‘cos a)they have just setup their profile or b)they had a photo and have taken it off either because it was reducing the amount of interest or because they intend to update it or c)they have something to hide! either married, in a relationship or not very nice to look at?
50
Steve, Manchester
23 October 2010 19:22
Kate – in answer to your question “how rude is it to close a match” – in my opinion it’s ruder to leave someone with a false hope and not knowing where they stand.
51
Cat
16 November 2010 13:26
“And I’m sorry EH but just saying no children under 18 living with you full time is not enough!”
Totally agree with that. I want to see if they have children in the basic information section not have to read the profile to see if they mention having kids.
Steve, if you contact someone and they don’t respond why don’t you just close them after a certain amount of time?
52
Steve, manchester
16 November 2010 18:20
Cat, I don’t close people who don’t respond because I’m an optomist (or a mug!).
Also I have to allow for the fact some people need time to work up the courage or motivate themselves. And some might sign up but wait a month before they get round to putting a pick on and then another month before they subscribe!
Sometime’s people don’t respond because they’re on holiday? or they are seeing how it goes with someone they are currently dating.
And frankly, if there was a lot more communication going on ie. if the site was more busy, then I would close off people who don’t respond. But as I’m lucky if I get an email per day, if I closed off those non communicating people my list would drastically reduce!
There’s a girl who emailed me recently who has been lingering on my list for over a month but finally decided to get in touch.
One person on this forum said she had a match get in touch who had been on her list back from January!
53
L
27 December 2010 12:19
Hi, I receive about ten matches a day, one third of which makes contact. In most cases I know strait away I am not interested. I feel terrible closing them down, so don’t-but I gather from the thread that I should. I would like it if there were a more polite way of doing this. Also, I don’t have time to write everyone. On the other hand I don’t really get why some of you are hurt or offended because someone does not answer or is interested. Please don’t take it personally. These are complete strangers after all! This is by no means a measure of your attractiveness-simply that you are not a good match in that particular instance. And please remember-you are looking for one special person, not hundreds. Finally, I am highly educated, but a foreigner in this country, dyslexic and spent my childhood learning several languages at the same time-so I make spelling mistakes…I can’t help it. Please do not judge people for small mistakes like this. Question: What does lol mean?
54
Mike
1 January 2011 23:49
I have just spent over an hour on the questionnaire because on eHarmony advertising a free weekend to communicate with matches…
…only to find I can’t send a message unless I ‘subscribe’.
Hey eHarmony, sending a wink or icebreaker isn’t communicating. You free weekend seems just a big joke/ con.
I am sure trade descriptions will be interested. Just another own goal fromeHarmony.
55
Ellie
2 January 2011 22:32
It means laugh out loud – you’ve made someone laugh! I’m new to the site so I don’t have a photo up yet and have got lots of matches, nudges and other things in 24 hours … I’m still trying to work it all out and it’s a bit overwhelming! I will put a photo on and try and talk to some matches but it won’t be instantly. Also, I have a child and I agree with what everyone is saying about the options for this, it should be clear, it’s not offensive.
56
margarita
4 January 2011 02:03
Hi, to Steve from Manchester – I like the way you think !! contact me
57
Costas, Edinburgh
16 January 2011 12:40
Its simple really.
but hey, finding the right person isnt meant to be easy.
If your not serious about finding a relationship, dont pay.
If you are serious, pay up. Take the risk and you’ll eventually be rewarded.
As Steve said earlier, we could free load for a month or 2 (maybe more) to get a feel for it or due to other reasons. However we eventually subscribe. its best not to close matches down that havent responded or havent updated their profile because a good portion of them are probably waiting to pluck up the courage to pay up and put yourself properly out there.
Took me 3 months to get a subscription… Still not found anyone
The hardest thing to do is the right thing to do.
58
William
16 January 2011 20:05
I’ve found the above comments interesting and useful. I contacted eHarmony and then got absolutely inundated with up to 10 contacts a day at one stage. I felt overwhelmed! So I just stopped looking at them. I might give the site another go now I know what to expect AND I now understand what I would want to do with the contacts I get. But I’ll do this when I have something of a window, which I haven’t now
59
Mr Magoo
17 January 2011 22:22
I agree, the free ‘communicating’ weekend was a con!
Spent ages filling in endless questions and fields only to find you can’t email people, just send more questions. That’s NOT communicating.
Fell for the con and paid for a month’s subscription. Have been bombarded with emails every day. Clearly these matches aren’t so closely compatable as there’s so many of them & none of them respond.
Suspect I’m wasting yet more time composing emails to people who haven’t logged in for ages.
60
Julie
18 January 2011 22:24
Hi I am new and have had a couple of icebreakers and requests but I would like to tell them thanks but no as I would not like to be kept hanging on thinking either they are not interested or can’t be bothered to come back to me. However from the trail here EH can you advise how to close Kate asked but you didn’t answer the question. Thanks
61
eHarmony
19 January 2011 10:53
Hi there Julie,
Thanks for your question – sorry we didn’t answer it previously in the thread, that one must have slipped through the net!
We recently introduced the Archive feature, so that you can archive matches without closing them. This is useful as it means you have not completely dismissed the match, instead you’ve ‘filed’ them away. If you want to close a match completely however, follow these instructions:
1. Remove a match from your New list of matches, by simply clicking on the match’s name and then clicking on the ‘Archive Match’ link under the Next Steps box.
2. To then close that match, return to the match’s Profile page, from the ‘Archive’ tab, and click on the ‘Close Match’ link at the bottom right side of the page.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes,
Emily
eHarmony Advice
62
Lucy
7 February 2011 00:56
I’ve been quite pleased with the site so far. I’ve only been on for a couple of days and would love to subscribe but I’m still in full-time education and the fees are astronomical! There’s a lovely guy, who I would like to talk to (moreover respond to, as not to seem rude) but I can’t until I subscribe, which lets be fair, I’m not going to do on the basis of one possible match. It just seems a shame that a site with such potential is being undermined by such high fees.
(p.s Steve?? I think many of your matches may be in the same boat as me…wanting to join but not wanting to starve in the process, leaving you with millions of open comms…. sorry hun!)
63
gkl
8 February 2011 00:14
i joined eHarmony as I thought it was a ‘relationship’ site, instead of dating. I’ve not had good experiences on the other sites, and held high hopes for this one. I started chatting with a couple of people. I thought my luck was about to change. I went through the guided communication and took it one step at a time. Finally agreed to meet and he stood me up. not all the men on here are as genuine as they seem. Here’s hoping number 2 is better than number 1! But still very disappointed as I thought this site was better than that.
64
eg
11 February 2011 00:41
I just joined today and am wondering if it’s normal to have only 7 matches, even if I’ve been really broad about what I’m looking for…
65
eHarmony
11 February 2011 10:39
Hi eg,
That’s completely normal, you’ll receive a selection of matches each day to give you time to sort through them and decide whether you’d like to communicate or not.
Hope this helps!
Best wishes,
Emily
eHarmony Advice
66
Ian
12 February 2011 00:05
i recently joined (after watching the advert for free communication on tv) was a little disappointed to see that it was extremely limited comms, however i did get into contact with a match who contacted me first, so decided to pay the fee, as high as it is…..only for one month. we’ve been in contact via email a few times now and i must say it’s looking good so i can’t really complain. I agree with quite a few other people though that it is very high prices for the risk of one match that potentially could be no spark. however i took the plunge and thankfully i’m happy so far. so, good points and bad. i guess it’s a matter of taking the risk. ive tried other websites and refused to subscribe due to feeling that alot of the people on there aren’t real etc, but i think after filling everything in on this site, and how much you have to fill in, i think it would filter out any potential “fake profiles” etc.
67
IZABELA
24 February 2011 20:53
Good evening everybody,
I have been on this website just 10 days and I must said I am lucky women.I have chat with 5members(dosnt matter another 75 is not yet respond lol)meet 2 gentelman,choice one of them(as I am one man woman)and…..99% is the ONE.
I had read all comment here and one thing I want to say:if you want to know anything about your matches just sent the email (via eharmony) and ask:about kids,weith,heith etc.And before you close the matches and then complain ,,no body talk with me,,just go to mirror and look on yourself….are you Bratt Pitt to close match if she is 5kg over waith?Or are you Angelina J-Pitt to not answer match becouse his speling is wrong and he is looking oldest then should?Honestly…Iam atractive woman and Ihave meet atractive man….but some of us has to big aspiration(not dream…)All of us here is looking for love…..and to be loved …give the chance and let see what happen insted of stick to ,,type,,of person I want.We are not in schop with the list for schoping…and some of you is sound like this…aschame.Good luck for everybody here.Izabela
ps.kindness is not cost nothing….
68
IZABELA
26 February 2011 00:12
for gkl,
sorry to hearing nr1 was just nr1.Good to hear you have nr2.Good luckxx
ps.But you cant c/o about eharmony bc nr1 wasnt treat you like princess.They cant push enybody to do what you want or you deserve.xxx
69
Barbara
25 May 2011 12:51
I joined eharmony as the advert seemed very inviting. I thought it would be a more up market site with perhaps real as someone put it. I have been on one date and he looked nothing like his pictures and i think all he was after was sex…and then another guy contacted and so we started liasing through eharmony…he said he would ring and then made excuses. I find internet dating so dissappointing and a waste of time, money and effort. i think the old fashioned way of meeting someone out and about cannot be beaten!
barbara
70
C
26 June 2011 22:02
As idealistic as it would be to respond to every single communication with a match, it’s just not possible.
I’m on a couple of dating sites, and without wanting to sound like it’s an excuse, there isn’t the time in the day to do so. I think it would be beneficial to have the “what I’m looking for” type question on here to iron out those issues.
In my own personal circumstances, I’m happy to date and naturally progress into a developing relationship. I’ve had a match on here accuse me of being a “kid in a sweet shop” as I didn’t reply in the apparent allocated time slot!
71
Angela
20 July 2011 17:57
I found the conversation here interesting. I have recently gone through the pain of completing the ‘forms’ – did take about a month in total lol but have decided to be a bit proactive. I have put on my profile that I haven’t subscribed … yet (partly because of the comments here). I’m also going to put a ‘last logged in’ date on my profile. Radical I know lol
Good luck everyone, remember it’s a marathon not a sprint (couldn’t resist the cliche hee hee).
72
Michelle
7 September 2011 19:50
I have read the comments on this thread, everyone seems to have all these matches, I have taken a while to fill out the forms, and made all the options as broad as I am willing, and still only have 15 matches all of which are FLEX, and very flex may I say, within 30m of Wiltshire, England gives me a chap in Ayr, Scotland as well as a few other screw ups, I am glad that I did not pay a subscription with a site like this…seems like an expensive waste f time!
73
Louise
21 September 2011 07:31
I have been on here since the end of August now, with just one months subscription till i got a feel of the site – plenty of matches in the begenning but after a couple of weeks the frequency and quality of matches has started to dwindle – to be expected i guess, you can only be matched with people on the data base, so I guess if you exhausted your matches then its only people that join new to the site you may be matched with. It is also frustrating as a subscriber being matched with non subscribers (who you can’t communicate with) but what is even worse is when you are within the guided comms process with someone and don’t hear a reply for a while – I give it a week or so then close the match (you can see when that person was last active) – Wouldn’t it be considerate etiquette if you are not interesed once in guided comms either close the match or better yet a thanks but no thanks message then close the match…..? Why n ot do online what you would do in person people?? Anyway, good luck all the best -x-
74
Hazel
27 September 2011 19:33
I do find this site the most difficult one to negotiate. I have tried about about 6 different dating agencies, with varying degrees of success.
I agree that it is very frustrating when people do not put a photo on display. What have they got to hide ?
Unless a person writes a proper narrative about themselves and explains what sort of person they are looking for, they all sound the same….very boring !!
I dislike the fact that once one has logged in, one has to go through the whole process again with each match, even tho’ only a few minuits have lapsed.
I feel that eHarmony has too much control over the matches and communications. It is also the most expensive site of all the ones I have tried.
When I de-subscribed because I did not want to rejoin, all my matches ceased, even tho’ I had nearly 2 months left. I had to phone to put that right.
I also took about 6 months to join EH, as I was disappointed with the calibre of male subscribers and also thought it too expensive. I only joined because some one from my town was offered…..we are now dating.
If some one communicates with me and I am not interested, I always send them a thankyou for the interest and send them good wishes, but say I am already dating, so that they don’t feel ignored. There are a lot of very lonely people out there, especilly in my age bracket of 70.
Good luck to all of you, it is not easy to find a mate with the same interests, values and the right age.
Hazel
75
Sheila,age 62!
5 October 2011 21:33
Well, that’s blown it now! I’ve just spent AGES trying to complete my profile, and the page has frozen. Think I shall just give up, what a waste of time.
76
Kezzer - New member
7 October 2011 21:18
I’ve closed about 200 matches and archived another 200 as 99.5% of the men I’m sent are mingers, who can’t even spell and don’t seem to match my criteria at all! Emailing one match at present, but all in all I think I’ve wasted my money on a 3 month subscription and won’t be renewing. The site is really slow too. I do request photos, but if I don’t get a reponse in 3-4 days, I close them. Guardian Soulmates was equally dire.
77
Andy
11 October 2011 21:06
Kezzer – 99.5% are mingers?!!
Must be good to be perfect. As for spelling, check your comma usage
Andy (probably a minger)
78
Sarah
30 October 2011 17:59
Two things I want to say…
Firstly, someone who’s a minger to one person is another person’s dream date/soul mate. Or, even if they’re not, since when did it become a crime to not be stunningly good-looking? I think people should be a bit kinder. Also, I wouldn’t want to date someone so shallow that they were only interested in my looks/body type. Nothing wrong with my looks, but it’s only when you get to know me that you realise I have a bubbly personality, will make you laugh, am loving and affectionate, intelligent and interesting and that I have other talents and favourite pastimes you may be interested in…!
Secondly, if I fail to respond in a timely fashion, it’s not because I think you’re a minger, or because I’m being rude, it’s because I sometimes don’t go on the site for a while…I have a life that sometimes gets in the way, or I might be dating someone…
If someone doesn’t respond, just wait patiently until they do, because they would just close the match if they had no intention of responding at all. And if they close you just move on…you can’t be broken-hearted if you haven’t even met!
79
Helen
13 November 2011 21:20
I get fustrated when guys do not complete the profile 100% and do not include a photo. Some photos for my age group (I’m 59) are also not current. How are we supposed to get a genuine impression of a guy who isn’t honest in the first place? If there’s no photo at all then I am not interested. It’s difficult enough knowing what to ask or say without all of the guesswork.
80
Joanie
17 November 2011 12:29
I have no problem if i send an ice breaker to someone and they dont reply, just means i dont appeal to them. But what i cant understand are men who get in touch with me, ask can we chat and then when i agree just disapear! I mean whats that all about?!Then of course youve the guys who swop phone numbers with you, there you are having a great chat and suddenly you get “got to go” and its like theyve dropped the phone! lol most likely married! oh dear still this site has for me being an eye opener.
81
suzanne
24 January 2012 23:01
I’m a new subscriber and only just getting to grips with the EH site but its certainly not that clear how to even close a match! I’ve archived all my matches that dont really interest me – does that mean they are closed? do they get informed that they are archived or is that the same as closing them? Where is the close button on your new matches? iv’e clearly missed something!
82
eHarmony
26 January 2012 11:04
Hi Suzanne,
Once you’ve archived a match, you can then close it. We introduced the archive function after feedback from users that they felt there should be somewhere to put matches they were considering, rather than just closing them. If you are already communicating with a match then you can simply close them.
A match is notified when you close them, but not when you archive the,.
I hope this helps!
Best wishes,
Emily
eHarmony Advice