3 June 2010
Insider knowledge: how to make your eHarmony profile stand out
by eHarmony
You’ve got a great profile picture, but how do you make the answers to your profile questions really catch a match’s eye? Here’s how to make your answers unique and let the real you shine through.
Print Email
You know you’re an intelligent, witty person, but getting that across in your eHarmony profile might seem like a tough task. Maybe you don’t think you’re great at selling yourself, or that you’re just not good with words.
The main thing to remember is that being specific by adding in the little details that make you an individual will get you noticed. Take the attitude that the fuller and richer your profile, the more attractive and dedicated you’ll appear to your matches.
If you’re not sure where to start, here are our insider tips to answering those generic profile questions.
What are you most passionate about?
Focus on the word ‘passion’ here, and don’t be afraid to lay yourself a bit bare. We’re not talking about something you ‘sort of like’, this is about stuff you really love. A mixture of the material – ‘My rare Beatles vinyl collection’ – and the emotional – ‘Cultivating a wonderful relationship with my dearest friends – will show different facets of your character.
What are the three things for which you are most thankful?
Stating what you’re truly grateful for shows your matches the real you – which is why putting something like ‘Making lots of money’ will make you look a bit shallow. Instead, look at this a different way and put something like ‘Having a great career that lets me give back to the world, and explore my love of travelling’.
The four things your friends say about you are…
Avoid clichés here and don’t just list the adjectives that put you in a positive light. Instead go for a mix such as ‘Articulate’, ‘Energetic’, ‘Creative’ and ‘Spontaneous’. If in doubt, actually ask your friends – you’re sure to get an honest answer!
What are three of my BEST life skills?
As above, here’s it’s about getting the mix right. We’ve provided you with multiple choices, but don’t make yourself seem one-dimensional. For example by choosing ‘Raising for and caring for children’, ‘Leading a community service group’ and ‘Helping those who are less fortunate or in need’ you will come across as very caring, but you might also appear a bit worthy. Instead, choose a variation of skills which might include working on your personal relationships, your physical fitness or socialising.
How do you typically spend your leisure time?
This is your ideal opportunity to show your matches how you’d enjoy spending time with them if your relationship develops. Here, specific answers will really serve you well. For example ‘Spending time with friends’ is too general – who doesn’t enjoy this? Instead you could expand on this with an answer like ‘Getting a group of friends together for an energetic game of squash, or heading to our local pub quiz night (which we usually come last in!) to work our grey matter’.
Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?
This is a really telling question, as you can only choose one influential person. There are no right or wrong answers but you must be honest and sincere. If Mrs Jameson, your primary school English teacher, was a great influence on you, put that. But include some colour, for example: ‘Mrs Jameson, my primary school English teacher because she inspired me to read and write and greatly encouraged my creativity, which ultimately lead me onto the career path I’m on today.’
What’s the most important thing you’re looking for in another person?
If your answers seem obvious – like attractiveness and a sense of humour – that’s because they are a given. Who doesn’t want a partner with those qualities? Instead look back over your past relationships and think about something that’s really stood out for you. Maybe you’re looking for someone who has a real passion for life, or perhaps you’re looking for a partner who is happy to tackle problems in a relationship headfirst and as a partnership.
Other than appearance, what is the first thing that people notice about you?
This is one of the more frivolous sounding questions, but often provokes the most interesting responses. You can go serious or quirky here, it’s up to you. For example, you might want to say ‘My friends say it’s my ability to listen to anyone’s problems and relate’ or you could go for something more light-hearted such as ‘My booming, infectious laugh that I’ve been told can make the most serious of people smile!’
What is the one thing that people DON’T notice about you right away that you wish they would?
An opportunity to blow your own trumpet here, but don’t go overboard. You could talk about a physical feature such as ‘My unusually green eyes’ but beware of sounding arrogant. Perhaps focus on something emotional, for example: ‘My ability to remember people’s names, faces and details about their lives. It seems to endear me to people, but not many people notice.’
What are 5 things you “can’t live without?”
Have a look through your match profiles – we bet it won’t be long before you see one word answers to this question like ‘iPod’ or ‘Family’. The first answer sounds shallow, the second is pretty obvious. But, you can make both mean more to the reader. For example, talk about how you can’t live without ‘My gym tunes playlist on my iPod’. Or how about, ‘Sunday roasts with my family’? Yes you’ve only got 50 characters, but make them count!
The thing to remember is that more detail is usually better. Answers are made much more interesting to a potential match if you include an example to give it some colour. If a match likes your photo, they might be reading your profile to make their mind up – if that profile sparkles, chances are they’ll want to know more about you. Finally, be honest. Don’t write what you think your matches want to hear, be yourself.
1
Bronnie
12 June 2010 12:02
helpful hints – I have a problem with honesty – i.e. being too honest if that is possible. There is no point in pretending I am someone I am not as I’d soon be found out and certain things are important inany man with whom I formd a relationship, but where to draw the line can be difficult.
2
Bel Thomas
14 June 2010 12:03
This is the worst website for dating I have ever been on. Reading profiles sent through is laborious and boring with the stupid questions evoking one line answere which are the same time after time in profiles I have read. Its time you altered the way the profiles are presented never mind advising people on how to improve their answers. No ‘photographs on most of the profiles also makes this website a pain. Why don’t you tell people that it is important to give a ‘photo never mind having to ask for one and the same again – permission to email…and so on…
3
Heather
14 June 2010 13:06
I have just cancelled my membership due to the lack of photos of so many of the profiles. I know that personality is important but physical attraction cannot be ignored either… stufies often how relationships work best when partners have a comparable level of attraction. Instead I will be using the sites with a higher level of photos published.
4
Helen Petchey
16 June 2010 08:57
And when you put photos up I would like to be able to see your face… not that vague person in the distance. And a mix of photos too to see you in different places, different lighting, doing different things. Its just be interesting… which is a major part of being attractive.
5
David
8 August 2010 23:12
Bronnie: That’s not a problem, it’s an asset, but if you’re opening up too much in email, you can easily be misunderstood.
On the subject of photos, I agree with the ladies. Any match without a photo gets shelved, unless the rest of the profile grabs my attention. In that respect, “I like walking my dog, reading, and socialising with friends and family” seems like a big clue as to why you’re single, if you’ll pardon me for being blunt.
6
Alan
20 August 2010 21:19
Good point David re photos; I guess it’s great that there’s all the advice on here but why do so many people totally ignore it?! If you can’t be bothered to make some effort to fill in a profile how on earth can you expect anyone to be bothered to show interest? Why waste the money joining in the first place. I’m not saying my profile is perfect but I’ve tried to write a profile that says something about me. David: I agree, no photo and that you spend your leisure time “with friends” is an instant delete with me, sorry. More than half the matches I receive are like this, come on people lets see some effort!
7
Angela
29 August 2010 02:15
Dear Harmony,
Why oh why do so few men give their photographs,how are us poor ladies supposed to know what you look like?.As I have had very few replies,and am a very young looking 60′s I take it men in my age group are expecting to meet someone 10 years their senior,come on get real……
8
andy
4 September 2010 07:37
re alan
add to your selection
“love holidays abroad” sorry i see enough foreigners here without goin away
“i spend my weekends/free time with my family /friends”really wont be no time for us then
seems a few just want someone they can wheel out as n when they want to impress folk with rather than share a life together
9
Cat
4 September 2010 14:59
As it happens I do walk the dog (she needs exercise), read (it’s required for my degree plus I enjoy doing it) and socialise (although not as much as I like to lately). Would you men prefer me to lie and the advantage of doing what I do is it’s flexible, it doesn’t have to be done at a certain time so if someone contacts me then I can move these things around so we can arrange a date at a mutually convenient time rather than me saying well I can’t do Wednesday because I have to do ??? then. I also won’t lie and say I do x, y or z when I don’t.
Angela, having been contacted (on other websites) by men in their 50s/60s (I’m late 30s) I say men tend to think (delusionally) that they can get women 15/20yrs+ younger than them.
10
Faith
8 September 2010 15:49
re everybody- you won’t meet anybody if you’re judging them e.g. so what if they put on their profile they walk their dog or even if they don’t socialise or have friends? No wonder people spend their lives alone if people think or expect someone to have a lot of friends or whatever outside them determines their worth to other people! screw that!!!
11
Amy
11 September 2010 00:22
I’m sorry Alan and Andy if I don’t spend my free time with friends and family who do you expect me to spend it with? The Pope?! If I had a boyfriend, of course a large amount of time would be spent with him, but I don’t, so I have friends and family instead. What would you prefer, that I say I spend lots of time alone ’cause I haven’t found that special someone, and come off needy? (I have put a lot of interests in my profile, by the way, not just spending time with friends!) And I like going on holiday, and meeting new people, because I’m not racist. Boy, I’m glad my profile would turn you off! What do these men want?!!
12
Katie
11 September 2010 09:00
Totally agree Amy. I love spending time with friends – its who I am. I see a lot of profiles that just have it as a one liner which therein is the problem. Blokes if you can’t spent more than 5 mins doing your profile we won’t spend 5 mins looking at it and you won’t here from us. The site has loads of articles saying ‘put in one/more pics’ but those who choose not to do so at their peril.
Cat, if you’re getting 50/60 yrs olds do something about it in your age setting say 30-40 and set the match bar very high. It’s within your power to change it.
13
Barbara
12 September 2010 11:18
This is all true. I used to request photo’s but now they are instantly archived – how do they expect to meet someone….anon? And when the photo’s are there can they please be up to date? I recently had a date with a chap who’s pics were very obviously 10 years older than he actuallly was. And sunglasses???? why not just put a bag on your head. Oh – and if I see another ‘sunset in st.lucia I’ll spit…unless you actually LOOK like a sunset what’s the point?….rant over xx
14
Cat
12 September 2010 18:34
Amy, if I could answer your last question I’d be rich lol. I spend time with family and friends, if that puts some men off then that’s their problem. It doesn’t mean I have no time for someone special, just that I’m not going to spend all that time on my own until I do, my life isn’t on hold until I meet someone. I do occasionally spend time alone, it’s nice to have some ‘me’ time to rest, relax, do what I want, doesn’t make me needy.
15
Cat
12 September 2010 18:36
Andy, quite frankly your comments raise some ‘red flags’ with me. I’d put you down as one to avoid at all costs.
Re the socialising with friend and/or family, what’s wrong with that? Who are we supposed to socialise with? Complete strangers?
16
Steve, Manchester
12 September 2010 22:30
I think the point is here – make your profile as interesting as possible and perhaps saying you spend your social time with friends and family could be a bit predictable and doesn’t stand out from all the other profiles?
Instead embellish it by say something like you have fabulous loyal friends and love spending time with them because they help you unwind? and expand on what stuff you do when you are with your mates?
Barbara – we all experience that one – people who trade on ancient photos – before meeting anyone always ask when the profile photo was taken.
17
Alan
12 September 2010 23:50
Surely the point is to try and write something that says something about YOU and what you like and enjoy doing. It’s taken as read that you spend time with friends and family, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that bit of info does not really tell me anything about you, perhaps I’m being unreasonable but if I’m reading your profile I’d quite like to know a bit about you. I don’t think the profile section actually asks who you spend your leisure time with. Hey Amy, the Pope’s over at the minute!
18
Patrick
13 September 2010 22:20
Interesting reading all of the above. I hope I won’t be (virtually) shot by either side by admiting that it was entertaining as well as educational?! I agree with many of the points raised, although not all. I’ve just joined, having spent a short time on the Classic FM Duets site, where I hadn’t really thought about what I wanted to say about myself when I was in the registration process (and didn’t bother to change it subsequently). I’ve taken a more open approach with this site and will see what happens. Bottom line I suppose is that people are individuals, and will choose or not to upload their photos, be general rather than specific, and not quite answer the question asked in some instances (‘whats the first thing people notice about you other than your appearance’ has frequently been answered by some aspect of appearance in my first look through a spread of ‘my matches’). The ‘guided communication’ thing was a surprise. Presumably this has arisen because of market need or advantage. However it makes decision-making about which matches to follow up on easier. If somebody can’t (or doesn’t want to) communicate by e-mail then … I suspect that on this point both men and women will sign a joint agreement at the next ‘World Congress of Online Dating’ that the correct response is to click ‘archive’ (I haven’t found the delete option yet, is there one?). Re photos, I’ve uploaded 10, but whilst the lack of one on a match isn’t an automatic archive, the profile will have to be quite magnetic in the absence of at least one photo. ‘Love enters through the eyes and ears, and leaves by the same routes’ (from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin).
19
Cat
14 September 2010 12:50
Patrick you have to archive the match first before you can close it. Once you’ve archived it scroll down and the ‘archive match’ link will have changed to ‘close match’.
I think I’ve only put socialising with family/friends in the leisure time section.
20
Patrick
15 September 2010 00:28
Hi Cat, thanks for that. I’ve found same and ‘managed’ my matches box accordingly. Socialising with family and friends is fine, isn’t that one of the things we all do anyway. A few light on info boxes isn’t a problem for me, although i have been surprised at the regularity of matches with very little info as a common theme throughout their profile. Maybe some people got caught on the hop as it were, and hadn’t thought what to put down. Its a fairly lengthy registration process, which does mean that drive can run out for some. I got caught out by the ‘in your own words section’, which by the time I had completed all the sections (and practically used all the characters and space available) the eHarmony system had logged me out and I had to start over at a later date, quite frustratingly!
so far!
Thanks for the advice. Hope its going well for you with your own ‘matching’. I’m fairly certain that we haven’t been matched
21
Steve, Manchester
15 September 2010 13:21
Patrick re your comment “The ‘guided communication’ thing was a surprise. Presumably this has arisen because of market need or advantage. However it makes decision-making about which matches to follow up on easier. If somebody can’t (or doesn’t want to) communicate by e-mail then … I suspect that on this point both men and women will sign a joint agreement at the next ‘World Congress of Online Dating’ that the correct response is to click ‘archive’ (I haven’t found the delete option yet, is there one?)”
I’m not sure if that means you like the guided communications or not but this is my opinion…
A few times people want to skip to email – thus meaning I dont get their have/have nots – a valuable check list which saves meeting up only to find they aren’t my type.
also if I get someone who doesn’t want to go through the guided communication process then I have to ask myself why that person isn’t willing to put the effort in.
I put a lot of effort in to it because I’m not just after a quick fling or a lazy relationship where you dont find out about someone before you end up in bed with them and I’m not going to meet up with people and put in an evening’s drinking time in a pub until I’ve seen that through the guided communications there is a point in it.
22
Patrick
15 September 2010 23:52
Thanks for that Steve. Re ‘have & have nots’ I’ve missed that domain somehow. Wouldn’t that be better in the (all-be-it too lengthy already) registration process? I’ll try the GC and see whats in there. I don’t think that e-mails are without ‘effort’ by the way (surely that depends on what is communicated and how). My view is that an e-mail exchange is a REAL interaction, rather than just another list of data devoid of any 2-way communication. However I take your point, that jumping straight to e-mail may not only be passively unsuitable for some but may actively put others off. Food for thought.
23
Steve, manchester
16 September 2010 19:46
if the have and have nots were in the reg process then you wouldn’t be able to change them. some are very clever points – eg. “family life” – if a girl says she wants you to be part of a family unit she can do by selecting that option – and if that doesn’t float your boat you can then run a mile! much better than random emails.
24
Ashleigh
17 September 2010 22:30
I have to say i am rather intrigued by the simple lines of spending time with friends and family- surely this demonstrates a respect and nurturance of relationships, a skill that can be applied to romantic relationships surely, and an indicator that the person isn’t going to be a clingy, dependent person who’s entire sense of self is based upon another to facilitate self worth and efficacy?
Another thing, is although the premise of the guided communication is great from the point of formulating a judgment to proceed or not too proceed, some of the questions are so incredibly invasive and bunny boilerish in such an early stage of interaction, which ironically goes against some of the advice that the web site articles relating to what not to say or ask on a first date!
Also it is a real pain having to firstly archive and then close, it would be a better idea just to have a reject function, as let’s face it, first impressions are made within 7 seconds!
25
Cat
18 September 2010 21:23
Funnily enough Patrick I got matched to someone with your name yesterday. They live in the northwest and don’t have a photo, and because of the latter they’re languishing in the archived section, although I haven’t closed the match as yet.
Just had a look at the must haves/can’t stands. It’s changed a bit since I chose mine but I’ve kept mine because the options I chose are still important to me.
26
Patrick
20 September 2010 00:07
Hi Cat, In similar fashion to what you have inferred, I too am archiving ‘no photos’ profiles, whilst giving a reasonable subsequent interval for photo update activity in case profiles are new registrants etc, and then closing said photoless profiles in due course if no such profile update occurs. Good luck with the other northwest ‘Patrick’!
27
Steve, manchester
20 September 2010 15:20
I do the same, archive/close when after a few weeks no photo appears.
28
ON2
23 March 2011 23:49
I attempted to add more detail to the “5 Things I Can’t Live Without..” section only to find it has a limit of 50 characters!
Could this be reviewed?
29
Roy
16 January 2012 18:05
In the article above: You give good advice, by expanding on subjects like… What are 5 things you “can’t live without?
For example… ‘Sunday roasts with my family, which happen less now we all live in different parts of the country, but getting everyone together to talk and eat is one of life’s greatest pleasures.’
HOWEVER.. to do this is IMPOSSIBLE, because the answer is only limited to 50 characters??
Its a clear indication to that you havent even tried using your own site.. and realized its many drawbacks!!
30
eHarmony
16 January 2012 18:47
Very true Roy, and we’ve updated the article. Thanks for feeding back! We do all use the site, but sometimes the odd fact slips through the net.
Best wishes,
Emily
eHarmony Advice