Dating and relationship advice you can really believe in.

Someone who gives very short replies or gives very general answers to questions.

The emailing part is supposed to help us get to know each other better and that’s very hard to do when all you get is a “I want to be with someone who is nice.”

People who email just saying ‘you look gooooooooood Sassi’ or something similar. If you want to start up an email dialogue ask a few questions and make the email interesting!

bad spelling and really short sharp answers that dont really tell you anything

I agree with Debbie above, although it is actually spelt grammar. AR no ER.

If you don’t like bad spelling it may help to read your message before you post.

I’m a stickler for good grammar. Not everyone can spell but those who just don’t make the effort to construct a reasonable sentence, using capital letters and punctuation marks really get my goat!

Oh, and blokes who try “Hi, sexy” and suchlike as a chat up line … I really don’t like it when they’re too familiar in their first messages.

Badly taken photographs – someone slumped on a seat showing all her bulges wearing an old T shirt and lycra trousers.

I write two pages; they write five lines.

I was recently frightned off by the use of a long list of “I want” or “I expect”, this was on my first comunication with a prospective partner. I think it should have been “Dear Bank Manager”! Go try the high street loser!

I have to admit I have been known to dismiss someone because they can’t spell, I can forgive the odd text speak or obvious typing error but when I see to or too used incorrectly it drives me mad,it may appear to be a bit shallow but it is important to me. I equally dislike arrogance and bad manners.

The spelling and grammar issue seems common amongst most of us! I certainly loathe text speak or really basic errors (‘Hope your well’ gets an instant delete)
Also think ‘lol’ should be outlawed!
Guys who skip the guided communication in order to start an e-mail with ‘Wow, hi beautiful, how you doing gorgeous…’ or similar also make me very uncomfortable…
And Paul above – just change your match settings to closer to home!

I have been with eHarmony for almost three weeks now and although I am sent “matches” daily I have not had one reply. Am I not suitable material for eHarmony?

A lack of a picture, why????? It is frustrating to open a new match to find “request my photo” or even just a space.

whats the point of you offering free communication when you cannot even send a msg to the person so it is not free as you have to pay to send a msg so you are misleading people.

Its strange when someone sends you an icebreaker, I reply then I hear nothing, even a nudge is not helping, Why send the Icebreaker in the first place.

Having sent someone a carefully thought out email of several paragraphs, they come back with simply a ‘Hi’!

chav phrases e.g. “I like a DVD nite in” within profiles are a real turn off.

I agree with Comment 24 from Joan – eHarmony’s advert on free communication is VERY misleading and should be reported to the Watchdog! As to why subscribers who do not get a response it is simply because people like me have registered but have not subscribed – the pool of people appears large but not so as we have not subscribed. WHY have I not subscribed? Well I find the Questionnaire tedious, time consuming and irritating. I have since joined another e-dating service and prefers their structure. So eHarmony, I suggest you review if you want more subscribers – the questionnaire should be optional and can helpful as a guide.There should possibility of a brief email response available even if just to say ‘I am not yet a subscriber’ so that it does not appear rude to those who have taken the time and shown an interest or nudged you. I dislike being rude but eHarmony does not facilitate good mannners with its current set-up.

After reading the comments it sounds like I’m using a different service!
It would be helpful if you could see if a match had a picture or not though.
The length of the questionnaire may seem daunting at first but how else can they get a clear picture of the type of person you are. Without it you’d be inundated with loads of people who probably wouldn’t be a good match for you.
On the subject of charging, there are free dating sites out there but they usually have a ton of adverts and you don’t get the matching service, in other words you get what you pay for. Considering you might meet Mr/Miss Right it’s worth it in my opinion. Just my $0.02

I think we are all on the same page regarding spelling and grammar. One can also see when people just have not made any effort at all. One or two words and they don’t even try to elaborate. My biggest issue is the no photographs. Why bother to even register. I get the feeling from profiles unedited, no effort, no photograph, are they really that serious?

The comments here make interesting reading. As a newbie on eHarmony I am glad to see that many feel the same way I do.

Bad spelling can be forgiven (just), but using an apostrophe for a plural? Yuk.

My biggest pet hate though is no photo. Why bother to register, pay and set out your stall with no photo? Crazy.

Good luck everyone!

Shorthand is okay on phone texting but I dislike it when people use shorthand, ie h r u? It shows to me that people are only on for fun, when I send e-mails I try to sho the person respect by taking the effort to present my e-mail in a readable condition.
Show the person you are contacting that you care enough for them, it is a bit like turning up for a meet unshaved wearing a t-shirt and tatty jeans.

Spelling and grammar need to be correct. The occasional error is OK.
You can tell if somebody has tried and there is an error. You should try to be correct with somebody you do not know.

Hate bad grammar and spelling and that awful text speak but the thing that really gets me is someone who goes on about what a sad life they’ve had or their terrible divorce. I don’t want to feel responsible for turning someone’s life around. Keep it to yourself until you know me better!

Guys

This is a dating sight, not an English course! I have 6 o levels and 2 A levels and I am still not that great at spelling and English! I look at the quality of person and if they are bad at spelling does not mean they are not putting the effort in, I do not judge a book by its cover love is much deeper!

Anyway my pet hate is no photo?? why??

I agree that really bad grammar and spelling and using i instead of I is irritating. Lack of photo and not writing enough about themselves is worse because then I have no feeling if I want to communicate with this person. Also no matter how I change my distance setting I keep being sent matches that are way too far away. I’m thinking of giving up on e-harmony. There are better sites out there.

I feel compelled to defend those “no photo” members out there, of which i am one. I can only speak for myself, but I would like someone to be interested in me for a change, not the way i look. Having been a model for years i am tired of only being viewed superficially. I will happily send photos if someone likes what they read on my profile but surely there should still be some mystery. Or maybe not…

Although I agree with many of the previous comments, I’ll have to say dont be put off by “no photo” if you like what they say in their profile. I read a profile once that I liked and decided to request a photo, of which he responded and I was glad I made the effort to request one.

One question I would like help with though is, when you have been communicating well with someone and then after a while they start saying they are busy and cant communicate as before, that means they have stopped been that into you, right? Guys, if you are really into a girl, would you ever really be too busy to pursue a possibility of being with her?

I have just rejoined and the matches that are on my page have been the same matches for about a year. The people you have chosen are nothing like the people l would ever consider speaking to. You have obviously not looked at my match and whoever is making the matches needs to be shot.
Your pages are about the most boring l have ever seen and if l ever get anything from this it will be a miracle. Its a shame your adverts on TV dont match up to your web site.

I think I’m using a different site to the rest of you. most of the matches have been very good and the emails have been great fun. Pet hate would be the lack of response, if you don’t want to continue the close the match.

And another annoyance is the contimual chat about family, friends, pets, hobbies and so on. When is there going to be time for us?

I’ve been sent some interesting matches, and some that have had me bemused for the reasons mentioned by others here – minimal profiles, no pictures,or possibly very ‘flexible’ matches (cue yoga?).

Complaining to a friend about the poor spelling and grammar in some cases, she reminded me that it is possible to be both intelligent and dyslexic.

One solution for those who know that they have this difficulty is to compose the message in software that corrects those aspects, and then paste it into the online form.

The problem then arises that some punctuation marks etc. do not translate correctly.

It would be helpful if someone from Eharmony (it appears that you are monitoring this forum) would advise on which fonts will paste in without such glitches.

Hope this helps.

During the guided stages, just box ticking rather than using the space for your own words says “not that interested” to me. Using that space to say “Hi Sarina” before answering the question is a lovely touch! For mails, I agree, bad grammar and over familiarity are real turn offs, as are invasive questions. As for the photo question – even the free sites allow you to block people who can’t be bothered (or their wives won’t let them) post a photo! No more – please!

1. Bad wording overall: too many spelling mistakes (a few are excusable), un-structured sentences, bad punctuation, repetitions, when it is obvious someone has not re-read themselves and so on… (a tip: type your text in MS Words – it will pick up spellings)
2. The choice of word, be it too simple/short or too elaborate/long. An email is just a casual chat to get to know each other and if the person is doing too little effort or trying too hard, it tells me something about their personality that makes them an unlikely match for me.
3. The content: If my match has not tried to spike my curiosity or does not seem interested in knowing more about me, I will probably skip. An example “Hey gorgeous, what does it take to get you to email back?”
4. Too serious: As I said above, it is a casual first step, so a couple of jokes or funny comments make things more enjoyable.
5. Too pushy or rushed. An example “When can we meet? I am genuinely interested”. At the second email. That’s just scary. He is going to try and get in my place after our first date or bring his parents along at our second?

Well, all you guys are commenting about these badly spelt emails but you have to consider that not all of us are English here. I can talk much better than I write, so if you cross me out just because of that it s up to you.
Also when I look at someone’s profile, i find it so absurd to see her friends’ pictures than hers. There are 10 girls in it but which one are you? If you are trying to impress me showing you have many hot looking friends, you are on the wrong way. Also please give up on putting these pictures taken from miles away or with these massive sun glasses bigger than my welder wears on site

I feel that you need to make us aware of the people who are not paid up members. It really ia a waste of time and effort to be sending messages to people who are not going to respond. I suppose you are hoping that they will pay if enough interesting people contact them but it is very frustrating for us paid up members.

Generally, poor writing isn’t good. However, following the strict rules of grammar doesn’t always make for an entertaining message. If someone can express themselves in an interesting way I’m not going to worry to much about the declension.

Pet hate? No photograph, the picture helps bring the person to life and a series of photographs says a lot – not just looks but what you think makes you look good. Pet hate #2 – no response. The person isn’t subscribed so it all ends there. I don’t know this so I’m waiting for a response from someone who isn’t going to at the expense of someone who might.

The ‘no photos’ issue seems to me to be a two-edged sword. It’s sad but true that looks are generally more important to men than ladies, but in the long run, it truly is a mistake to judge the book by its cover. Two of the ‘sexiest’ women I’ve met were very overweight, and the most beautiful (physically) and intelligent woman I’ve had a relationship with was barely able to initiate holding hands after 4 years.
At the same time though, one does wonder if the lack of a photograph indicates that the person has something to hide. Do they fear being recognised?

I concur with the comments about non-subscribed profiles. Why not mark them as such in the first place, and let subscribers decide whether they wish to invest their time?

My experience a few years ago with ‘free’ dating sites a few years ago also matches that of other respondants – you get what you pay for.

As to the ‘profiling’ questions: if you cannot take the trouble to give an accurate description of yourself, you’re probably still suffering from a breakup, lonely, and desperate for somebody, anybody, to care for you. You’re more likely to find somebody who will take advantage of you, take a little extra care.

The reason you are not replied to can very often be that the person is not fully signed up. This should be shown so that you do not feel unnecessarily rejected. I am not subscribed yet but received a series of questions from a lady in entirely the wrong location.

Even so I would have tried to reply so as not to be hurtful but do not want to be blackmailed into subscribing just because I do not want her to feel bad. There should be a response for non-members to say “Sorry, but I have not subscribed yet” or it should be indicated on the matches. If someone is so obviously right for you that it makes you subscribe that is OK, but you should not be forced to sign up just to be polite!

This will also provide a better experience for the apparently rejected person.

Incidentally I was also put off by the number of questions on the initial contact list. It started to feel that I might be about to pay in order to receive lots of nagging enquiries.

All the experts behind e-Harmony are surely aware of how sensitive we men are about women`s questions which we tend to view as persecution, particularly as many will have previously escaped a verbally abusive relationship!

Quite simply, what on earth is the point of joining a dating site, presumably with the intention of meeting people if you are not prepared to post a simple photograph of yourself. It is wasting both your time and that of the recipient. I always immediately archive such profiles ans would prefer e-Harmony not to match them at all.

I’ve now been a paid-up member of your site for 2 months. In that time, I have received probably in excess of 100 initial profiles, at least half of which have no photos attached. In all, I have had 2 people come back with a reply to the first guided communication. Nothing in the original profiles give any indication of the age range that the prospective friend is seeking or how far a radius they are prepared to tolerate. These are basic requirements.
Bad grammar and spelling can be a turn-off but it is a guide to the lack of education or even reading that the sender has experienced so if you don’t want a thicko, archive them.
eHarmony, you do need to pay attention to the mileage your subscriber wishes to observe and stop sending useless profiles sometimes 200 miles further than my requirements.
I’ll give it another month and reserve judgement.

I’ve tried to upload a photo, E-Harmony has decided it is “inappropriate”
Funny last time I tried to find a partner it was down to ourselves to work out what was inappropriate. I didn’t have some odd American Methodist preacher telling me what to say and do. As an adult I am responsible.
The photo was of me as a 10 year old; it was meant to be seen as a light hearted “dig” at all those on this site who post photos from “a few years ago”
(by the way, don’t do this it only adds to the disappointment if we meet)
I still haven’t received an answer from E-Harmony as to why I should have to delete this photo.
This is censorship. This is not what finding a partner is about.
What I object to is E-Harmony playing God and determining who and what I should decide upon. I would like to choose matches, I would like to make the same choice as I would if I went out and met someone, I want to decide if I’m appropriate.
Maybe this would account for all the missing photos on E-Harmony, how many others have you deemed to be unworthy of your site, or indeed ours?

I had no idea that we received details of non members, how slow am I? Is that why I am in the same position I was when I joined?

I have been a member since early July and have only been contacted by one person. I have received one Ice Breaker, I responded but did not hear again! I have contacted several people and received one response! I was beginning to think it was me doing something terribly wrong.

I agree with most of your comments about no photo, however, I am more that happy to request it and wait and see. I do not close automatically because I guess some people only want to disclose it if they are interested in responding to you. If they don’t then I know they are not interested or do I? Maybe they are not members. I will have to re think that one.

I have included several photo’s I do not think I am particularly beautiful but I don’t look too bad. Friends say I am quite attractive. So what’s wrong? I do not look my age, in fact look considerably younger than my 50 years, is that the problem?

Tommy 78. Maybe people think it is not me or was taken years ago! After reading your comment I am beginning to wonder.

Am I alone in this lonely corner of the word or are others finding it so difficult to get in touch with matches too?

Any suggestions?

K

I dislike standard emails such as ‘can we chat?’ It’d be nice if someone took 5 minutes (or even 2) to just say a bit about why they like my profile and a bit about them (doesn’t have to be too long). Also, messages that have been copied and pasted are a no no. I think men do this more than women.
Garry – you were wondering about the lack of photos – I can say (from my experience) that it could be because the lady is in the process of setting up her profile, she could work in a field where it isn’t wise to put up photos on the internet (police etc) so better to send them on request or because she doesn’t own a digital camera (me – tragic) and is waiting to get a friend to help her. I think taking the time to put up a decent recent photo is better than putting up one that is 10 years out of date (another no no).

The email facility has quirks ! I am presently communicating with someone but my summary page says that I am not ! Also the dates shown on the messages are incorrect – not by a day or so but by over a month ! Additionally I think it would be useful if recipients of icebreakers were forced to reply – a generated “Thanks, but no thanks” should be included – at least you’d know that they had been delivered ! I’ve also had trouble with the distance parameter -I’ve set it to the minimum but I still get matches from miles away.

re Karen
hello seems this site is unindated with non members sucked in by the free bit on EH tv ads
to be honest with you im not getting any replys either how close to south yorks are you ?
seems the best people are on these forums venting their frustrations .
these are far more interesting than the site itself
if someone has no photo or only one then chances are theyre not members remember when you joined they state this
i posted 4 photos and still get nowhere
if EH think im paying again for non members masquerading as potential dates they are mistaken.
i.d get more attention walking down west st (sheff) wi a fiver stuck out o mi lughole !!
good luck Karen

Negativity is a real turn off! I am happy with the genuine matches I have been sent. I like that it is pointed out if the match is considered a flexible one. It gives me more faith in the real matches as I can see the difference in the two.

Sorry to disagree with many here but I think you shouldn’t judge people too harshly on spelling and grammar. I am not the best in this area, and to say that someone like me is not very well educated and delete them straight away is rubbish. I am currently studying for my nursing degree. So maybe if you actually get to know the person you are matched with you might actually find a rough diamond.

When I was at primary school spelling and grammar were considered important. I have a friend whose two youngest are around 18 & 20. She used to be told by the school that it was more important to encourage the children’s creativity/imaginations than it was to concentrate on spelling and grammar (how long this had been going on for I don’t know). Consequently, we now have people who go on to university but cannot spell and whose grammar is weak (not everyone I hasten to add). So, no, not everyone whose spelling and grammar is bad is uneducated but it doesn’t give a good impression.

I agree with previous comments about adding a ‘thanks but no thanks’ to the stages of Guided Communication. I get frustrated at having no response – a polite ending would be better than so many attempts to make a connection disappearing into a black hole.

It has been interesting having been on EH for a few months, I have had a number of conversations on the Guided Communication and been on some dates (sadly not the magic one yet), but never had a single response to my icebreakers/questions. Every ‘relationship’ I have had on EH has been started by the Woman. Do other men, or women, have the same experience?

I have just read the above comments and there are a lot of comments saying bad grammer / spelling is a big turn off….but not all of us are blessed with the natural ability to write well. personally I am dyslexic and find all the writing involved very daunting and fear i will be viewed as thick or stupid because my english may not be perfect!

Bad grammar, spelling and a complete lack of proofreading drive me mad(that means YOU Alllan with 3 Ls)
Anyone who uses all capitals is instantly closed, as is anyone who mentions sex straight away- being a man is no excuse, it’s just creepy to someone you’ve only just met.

How ironic that Debbie (14th July) made a spelling mistake while complaining about ‘bad spelling and grammer’! At least use the spell checker.