Online dating: The 10 biggest messaging sins

4 August 2010

by eHarmony

Last month we asked you to tell us your pet hates when it comes to messages you receive from your eHarmony matches. Here are the ten most annoying habits you talked about.

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Starting to communicate with a match ? Read this before you type a single word. Last month we asked our eHarmony Advice regulars to tell us what annoyed them about messages they received from their matches and , as expected, they had some strong opinions about what makes a good message – and what makes a very bad one!

We’ve analysed all the comments, and come up with this list of 10 messaging sins you absolutely shouldn’t commit when communicating with a match.

Sin # 1: Poor spelling and grammar
Of all the responses we had, over 40% said that bad spelling and grammar were a real turn off. One user even said that badly spelled emails would get an ‘instant delete’ from them.

However, it’s worth remembering that some people have difficulty with spelling and grammar, whether they’re dyslexic or it’s just never been their strong point. If that’s you, we suggest you compose your messages in a program like Microsoft Word which should help you correct most of the errors you make.

Sin #2: Using text speak
Text speak also got a huge thumbs down from commenters. Picture the scene, you know you’ve got a communication from a match you like, you excitedly open the message only to be greeted with, ‘i thnk ur wkd, wd lv 2 meet u’ (Translation: I think you’re wicked, I would love to meet you.). It’s not just that this seems lazy, but it also looks like you’re not serious about meeting someone – one of the main reasons people join eHarmony.

Sin # 3: Coming on too strong
Admittedly, this was one that mostly came from the female commenters – the tendency of some men to start their messages with something like ‘Hey sexy, looking hot in your photos’. The general feeling was that it’s fine to mention your match’s attractiveness, but don’t do it in an overly familiar way. Also, peppering messages with innuendo is a big no-no. Women on eHarmony are looking for a serious partner, not someone who sounds like he’s just stepped out of a Carry On film.

Sin #4: Replies that are too short/long
Length of reply was a surprisingly important factor. If your message resembles an essay, chances are your match won’t be bothered to read it. On the other hand, if you send a one line email, you’re pretty much saying ‘I couldn’t be bothered to put much effort into this’. Also, replying to an email with a much shorter or longer length response than your match’s is another turn off.

Sin # 5: Requests to chat on instant messenger
Eventually, you’ll hopefully meet up with any match you really like, but only once you’ve got to know them a bit better. That’s why asking a match if they’d like to use an instant messaging service like MSN Messsenger, before you’ve barely exchanged an email, is very off putting. It also again makes you sound like you just don’t care or that you’re juggling so many matches you can’t be bothered to email them all individually.

Sin #6: Not reading a match’s profile
A classic error – not reading, or just skim reading, a match’s profile before communicating with them. For example, mentioning that one of your favourite luxuries is a delicious steak dinner and asking if your match agrees, having ignored the fact that they’ve mentioned they’re a vegetarian in their profile. It gives off the impression that all you’ve bothered to do is look at your match’s photos.

Sin#7: Forgetting what’s you’ve already talked about
Someone who asks the same question two or more times when exchanging emails gets a big black mark, and we can see why. If you’re not properly paying attention to what you’re saying to your matches then you don’t really deserve to get a response. There’s a simple enough solution – read through past messages before you send a new one. Extra tip: do this before a first date too, to avoid the same pitfall.

Sin #8: Listing your wants and needs from a match
An interesting point and something we tackle with our Must Have/Can’t Stand feature. Starting out your email conversation with a list of demands about the kind of person you’re looking for, or the kinds of things you like/dislike very much, can seem very prescriptive. One poster remarked that the email they recently received from a match that had this kind of ‘I want’ list should have been headed ‘Dear Bank Manager’!

By exchanging your Must Haves/Can’t Stands list in Guided Communication, you can let your match know what’s important to you without sending a long, scary email list.

Sin #9: Lack of manners
Some commenters noted that while their matches would start off enthusiastically, replying swiftly, that often tailed off. One lady even said that after a lengthy communication one of her matches stopped responding and then when she asked why simply closed her. While the close function is there to let matches know exactly where they stand, in a case like this you should always have the courtesy to explain what’s happened. A simple ‘I’m sorry, I’ve met someone else’ would suffice.

Sin #10: No photos
Not strictly an email specific problem, but if you send a message to a match and you don’t have a photo, anecdotal evidence suggests you’re hugely reducing your chances of a response. Of course, it’s entirely up to you whether you post a photo and we know that some members are uncomfortable or even unable to do so. But if you can, we urge you to, as our research shows it increases your chances of being communicated with by 9 times.

Rating: 8.6/10 (156 votes cast)

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Comments

Nicola

15 August 2010 10:50

I agree with some of these points. The key thing which gets an automatic delete from me is no photo as I just don’t feel comfortable talking to someone I cannot see.

Gail Cresswell

15 August 2010 12:13

Very interesting. I hope to join up before Xmas 2010! eHarmony seemed to have covered everything necessary in finding a Partner or suitable companion. Although I have a nice home,and car, my pension is basic. Perhaps this could be a ‘switch-off’? I have always reciprocated hospitality and expect very little except understanding. I am well-educated, articulate and spent 30 years in Africa so will look forward to contributing towards some amusing conversation!
Thank you for the ‘tips’! I think I’ve passed!

Bronnie

15 August 2010 12:53

very interesting – the grammar thing is so important as somebody who mis-spells even the simplest words gives the impression that they are not very bright and so not compatible with someone who is more academic.
Why are we no longer asked to give a reason for closing a match? I have closed quite a lot because they have not responded to my icebreaker then questions but cannot tell them this

gem

15 August 2010 15:08

I never, ever, ever reply to anyone, whose livens up their letter with.
lol lol lol

15 August 2010 15:24

I had a match who after coming on pretty strong in terms of meeting up backed out at the last minute claiming there were some heavy duty stuff going on in his personal life. This rings major alarm bells. Firstly if you can’t even be relied upon to meet on a date you initiated then you’re one for the no pile. Secondly initially things should be light and fluffy. You’re simply trying to get an idea whether this is someone you’re compatible with so saying you’ve got ‘stuff’ going on smacks of unfinished relationship business. If you’re nit emotionally fit you’re not ready to take the online dating route.

15 August 2010 15:39

I agree with Bronnie. I’ve been closed a few times and it would be nice to know why.

It’s polite to give a reason for the close. Right now it seems a bit harsh.

Ros

15 August 2010 15:54

I quite agree with Bonnie, spelling & grammar are a definite no no for me and as for the icebreakers, I see no point in having them at all as not one person has had the respect to answer in the six months I’ve been a member!! When closing would love to go back to the old system of being able to say why.

andrew

15 August 2010 16:21

LOVE A LOT,TRUST A FEW,ALWAYS PADDLE YOUR OWN CANOE.

John Shrigley - Penna

15 August 2010 19:23

sound common sense, but does not answer the Question I have posed to you more than enough times, A lady wishes for a guarded telephone call,I sign up for this but am unable to contact the lady and numerous phone calls to the helpline does not help. What do you intend to do about this. John or do I need to write to the Daily Express & complain?

Anna

15 August 2010 19:50

My main problem with a large majority of the matches I’ve had is that they have been without photos, and have said only the minimum in their profiles. I don’t believe these profiles should be matched until they fill in the details more fully. When there’s no photo, but you have posted yours, it’s inevitable that you will feel at a disadvantage.

Bobby

15 August 2010 20:48

I agree with all 10 of the above. I definitely don’t respond to guys who don’t post a photo. I archive them immediately. It is surprising how many I get with no photo – almost half!

Trudie

15 August 2010 21:39

It would be better if we coud give a reason when closing as the lady suggests.
Grammar mistakes certainly are a sign of education??
I always would like to see a photo before going any further..
It gives the impression this person has something to hide etc.

gordon

15 August 2010 22:27

It all makes sense. Almost without exception I have received messages which totally ignore my main interest which I have made so obvious as being vital and important.

Luke

16 August 2010 09:30

I can agree with most of the above, but as someone who adheres to all of the above rules, the biggest turn off for me is people who simply don’t bother to reply, even to say ‘thanks, but no thanks’. I can understand if its a one liner which is just commenting on the state of your boobs………..but if you’re getting a decent couple of paragraphs from someone with a good profile and pics, it just smacks of rudeness. I suppose that should mean just be glad they didn’t get back to you anyway………..

eharmony

16 August 2010 12:13

Hi John,

Thanks for your comment. I’m not sure exactly what you’re referring to when you say ‘guarded telephone call’ but I suggest you call our Customer Care helpline, for free (Mon-Fri, 8am-8pm): 0800 028 0308. They will be able to help you with any issues you’re having with your eHarmony account, or any additional services you have purchased with us.

I hope that helps.

Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice

Richard

17 August 2010 10:15

Remember that if someone does not reply to an initial email or icebreaker it may just be that they are not a paid up member and so can’t. It’s very easy to read too much into these things.

Bronson

17 August 2010 10:23

Changing closing matches without a reason, given or received, is the biggest boo boo eHarmony have made.

Otherwise it is no photo, grammar, lolspeak and ladies “massaging” their age that put me off…..

martyn shorrocks

17 August 2010 12:16

i think this is most helpful,as i am prone to using text speak not because i am lazy it is just that i am used to using this on my mobile phone. also i find that my grammar can be quite weak as i am better at sciences & maths then english.will try to adhere to what you have put in the 10 most bad sins in communicating.

kevin kemp

17 August 2010 14:25

Very interesting, i have to agree with Martyn i use text speak all the time on my phone and in the past in chat rooms and msn im not lazy either its just what we’re used to. As for matchin your reply length to anothers email thats just plain daft i agree that a one liner is just lazy but if u get say two paragraphs do you really have to match it, if it can be answered in one paragraph? To be honest im a bit sour at e harmony having taken a good while over the questionare making sure it was accurate and honest at the end i was informed that as my marital status is seperated that i couldnt be part of the site!!! Why not tell me that when i said what my status was????

Andrew

18 August 2010 12:24

The most annoying thing I find is people not responding at all which I think is just plain rude. A simple “no thanks” or “not interested” would be fine.

Jackie

18 August 2010 19:35

I really don’t like it when I get matches without a photo. I would never start communicating with someone who feels they can’t have a photo of themselves on their profile. They are reducing their chances of finding someone. I think a photo should be made compulsory when joining.

Steve

21 August 2010 01:28

I agree with the men that anyone who just ignores someone who contacts them is in my view just very rude and clearly has no consideration for others.

The reality is that there are many times more men than women on these sites and most men write to a lot of women and they can get easily get 30-200 messages a day and are overcome by shear numbers.

I sent out about 60 messages and only received about 5 replies, mostly to say they were not interested!

Hope I have not made any spelling mistakes there!

Chas

21 August 2010 17:31

I couldn’t agree more with the 10 biggest messaging sins. No photo generally means either ‘I am visually challenged’ or ‘I’ve had some bad short-lived, intimate relationships and I now am looking for a partner to appreciate my mind and intellect before my physique’. If the proposed match is asked for a picture and fobs you off with various excuses. eHarmony gave the opportunity to close with a reason and one reason was ‘No Photo’. If the other person really was at all serious, they had the opportunity to respond with an appeal to ‘be given another chance’, get their finger out and upload a pic.

Sharon

21 August 2010 20:30

I have to agree that my pet hate is the no photo. Why join if you are not going to post a photo unless asked for one. It just makes you feel like they’ve got something to hide. Something also needs to be done with the accounts that are not signed up. We need to know that’s the reason for not replying is that they aren’t a member.

Does anyone else think that something also needs to be done with the time frame for replying. eHarmony needs to sort out a better system regarding the replying as this isn’t working for most of us. Everyone is posting that no-one is replying. What about having the 1st questions sent out that has to be replied within in 3 days, they have to either reply or close if not interested, this is when the nudge should be used. But 7 days is way to long, then all you can do is send a nudge and wait another 2 weeks. Come on this isn’t fare on anyone, and using the excuse that a member maybe away is poppycock who’s going to wait what 3 weeks to see if someone can be bothered to reply. If a member is going to be away then have a on holiday setting on the profile with a return date, then at least you know that, that’s the reason for none reply.

Georgina

21 August 2010 22:42

I agree with most of the above messaging sins apart from the prejudiced views of: If you can’t spell you’re “fick”, and if you don’t post a photo, you’re ugly. Personally, I just call that narrow-minded.

24 August 2010 23:03

I agree with Georgina. I’m stunned by the judgmental tone of some of the comments. Photos are over-rated – they don’t tell you what someone is like when they’re at their very best/worst, whether they are happy-go-lucky or grouchy by nature. To some extent, you still have to rely on what they say about themselves at first. Besides, there are lots of photos posted which are blurry or shot at such a long distance that you can’t make out a person’s features. And what if someone is really just a Luddite when it comes to some of these things?! I hope all the moaners aren’t describing themselves as ‘easygoing’ in their profiles…

Sean

28 August 2010 04:20

I can understand about the lack of photo issue and to be honest I’m slightly guilty of shying away from a profile due to lack of one. However I have not, as yet, uploaded a picture myself. This is mainly because I haven’t got the courage up to do that bit yet. On the other hand I have filled out all other sections in great detail. I’ve had a few ‘photo nudges’ which is exactly the kind of thing that would build up confidence to do so, for me at least. For a new user of this type of website (which I am) it can be quite a big step. You can’t judge a book by its cover, but I guess you can’t judge a cover by its book either. Sometimes it just takes a little time for newcomers to reach a stage where they are comfortable enough to upload a photo.

Jacqui

28 August 2010 17:44

I don’t close match, but I am put off by men who say their friends describe them as romantic. Of the four descriptors, that’s likely to be a lie. Seriously, if you stopped the next random man in the street and said describe your best male friend in four words, I doubt ‘romantic’ would be one of them!

I agree with closing those who use text speak. Last time I checked you had to be over 18 to use this site. As a 30 something year old woman looking to be matched with men 28 – 40, text speak gets an automatic close match from me. I don’t lurk around school gates for a date and ‘btw I dnt respnd 2 men wrting lyk dey @ skool wtf kmt lol etc’ See how annoying that is gents!

No pics – that’s fine with me if the profile stands out. Because of my job I understand a lot of people may withold their pics until later, e.g nurses, docs, criminal justice workers (although it’s worry if as a cjs worker you’re matched with a client!)

Spelling errors – I’ll allow a couple, but I’ll close match if the profile is littered with them. It shows laziness..spellcheck folks. Simple.

Spelling my name incorrectly – there’s no excuse.It’s at the top of the page!

Mentioning sex – I’m no prude, but I find it distasteful when men mention sex or anything sexual in their profile (bar the must haves can’t stands section) your profile is the first impression people have. Slow down tiger! Plenty of time for all that!

Mentioning sex, text speak AND no pic…? Delete your account and go do your homework/tidy your bedroon/watch MTV instead …you’re probably 16.

Anne

30 August 2010 00:02

Have only recently joined, impressed by the amount of matches,but have to agree a photo is vital to establish attraction.

Aimee

31 August 2010 10:33

I think the lack of response from people or lack of reason for closing your profile on this site is the most off putting thing. I have a very open and honest profile with several pictures, but considering the amount of matches I get, I’ve made very little progress. I’ve used other similar sites and have made half the effort but had double the success. It seems ashame as the majority of profiles I browse are really rather lovely. I joined this site because I thought it was for people seriously looking to extend their friendship circles and meet someone special?
P.s: Does EVERYBODY snowboard, surf, canoe, travel around asia with a backpack and go to the gym 7 days a week or do some of you sometimes curl up and watch the tv being utterly lazy… because I do, but it seems it’ a bit of a crime to admit it.

Hugh

31 August 2010 23:33

You are being sexist eharmony. Most women in their Must Haves to me put they want a sexually proficient partner, and it is obvious when I have corresponded with most matches that they are happy in their own lives without a partner and are only on site because they want sex. As good as this may sound to some, it is not what I want.

Cat

1 September 2010 17:11

I think eharmony should reinstate the giving a reason for closing the match option, even if, this time, it’s only a box where you can type a reason. I’ve been contacted by a couple of men who I wasn’t interested in and could only respond by closing the match, which is better than nothing but still being able to give a reason would be good.

I agree with the spelling and grammar, especially the text speak. If you can’t be bothered to make an effort when you first contact somebody when will you make an effort.

I have to disagree with Sharon about the three day closure after first questions. For various reasons there are times when I may not get on here for a few days, even a week. Not just because of holidays either, I do have a life outside of dating. I also do my own personal time frame. If I contact someone and I see that they’ve viewed my profile then I give them a few days, maybe up to a week then shut the match myself. If they haven’t viewed me then I may leave it longer, it’s not as if I’m hanging around waiting for them to answer, I contact others in the meantime.

An idea eharmony could maybe implement is enabling us to know when a potential match was last online. Then we’ll have an idea of if they’re just not answering or if they genuinely haven’t been online to see our questions. That way we could make an informed decision as to whether, or not, to close the match ourselves.

Cat

1 September 2010 17:16

Knew I’d forgot something. I like to see photos too. I hate photos of myself, so much so that when I joined eharmony I had to ask friends if they had any halfway decent photos of me because I had none. So if I can post photos so can others. If I get a match without a photo and it has a decent profile with it I may wait a short time to see if they add one. If they don’t or if the profile is barely filled in then I delete. It may seem shallow to some but I know from past experience that chemistry/being attracted to someone is an important part of a relationship. I don’t see the point in wasting either my or the matches time if I dont’ think I would ever be attracted to them.

Chas

4 September 2010 15:05

Biggest problem I had was fitting a genuinely honest qualified reply to the first few questions in 200 or less character/spaces.
Changing ‘and’, ‘for’ (&, 4) & ‘to’ (2) etc. saved spaces. Am guilty in that respect. But, when further along in the process to less limiting comms. I always composed in ‘Word’ first. That gave me time to read and re-read, changing a word here or there, cutting out verbosity without losing the intention of the question or answer.

If I closed anyone down, it was usually either for ‘Too far away’ or ‘No photo’.
If something other, then I would try to be as honest as possible without offending

Too many ‘spontaneous’ replies that indicated the match hadn’t read the profile or the question properly. OR just couldn’t be bothered to take the time to give a considered reply.
Too many replies that couldn’t tell the spelling difference between ‘to’, ‘too’ and two. Or ‘there’ and ‘their’ etc.
Big turn off gals!

Obsessive declared devotion to family generally warned that the ‘match’ was not capable of independence and consequently not ready for a relationship without towing the ‘family’ along as well.
Closed with – ‘Our family backgrounds are too different’
Take note eH; reasons for closing ARE important to both parties.

paul

9 September 2010 16:24

i agree with luke if they not at all interested then a simple thanks but no thanks is polite, am 100% in agree with sharon and eharmony needs to sort out the time frame for replying 7 days is far to long reply or close there is nothing worse than waiting. cat has it the nail on the head a little box where you can type a reason for not interested or the close. Good luck to you all

Amy

11 September 2010 00:01

I agree with Aimee, all the men on here put photos of themselves white water rafting and hiking up mountains! I couldn’t care less what exciting things they have done, all I want to see in a picture is a nice smile!! Also about the innuendo, I have to say I have mentioned sex in my profile, possibly a no-no, but I think it’s a given that at 23 if I’m on eharmony I dont want a one-night stand, I could go to any club and get that. But I do want potential partners to know I have a high libido, past boyfriends haven’t been able to handle that!
I also use ‘lol’ a lot in messages, mostly because I have a very dry sense of humour and if I don’t clarify that I’m joking I could come off as rude!

Lorna

12 September 2010 10:57

I don’t like it when a match accepts your initial email but doesn’t send you a message. What is the point of that?

Steve, Manchester

12 September 2010 22:37

Amy – you shouldn’t have to justify whatever you put in your profile – as long as it’s honest then go for it.

Yve

13 September 2010 20:05

I agree with Aimee and Amy. It seems as if the guys on eharmony all love the exteme adventure, which can make some women feel they would be unexciting to them. In some instances, You cant even see the face of the person because it will be a long shot to cover all the scenary sometimes, the person is even wearing a ski mask, a helmet or something like that. All im interested in at this point is just to see a face and put a face to the profile

Shere

14 September 2010 09:26

I can certainly say I have been a giver and receiver of many of these sins.
Requesting females to chat on harmony mail get a response like, hey, mail me back!
That can really get my blood boiling sometimes.

Shere

14 September 2010 09:27

Posting your photo

Sorter torn on this, as some may not have the confidence to show be so public. On the other hand I feel it can show a lack of commitment on the person who is using this site. Maybe these individuals should not be able to have the privilege to view other pictures…

Again all debatable

Steve, Manchester

15 September 2010 13:12

I think no photo often means there’s a reason why there’s no photo. Just like when the picture is fuzzy or distant etc – it’s always because they have something to hide. Either their husband/wife/gf or boyfriend might recognise them! or they look very unappealing so dont want you to see their face.

15 September 2010 18:49

Many people think its rude not to reply to someones message/ email and I agree, but this website is not set up to reply a turndown during the guided communication stage or to an icebreaker with anything less than an email.
Maybe it would be a good compromise if eHarmony could introduce a couple of turndowns to choose from in the icebreaker options. For example; Sorry, I have looked through your profile and feel that we are incompatible.

Ady

15 September 2010 20:42

Hi
I’m just entering my 2nd month on here with absolutely no replies whatsoever, I have posted a photo(normal full face not skiing or skydiving), completed my profile, and have always been polite in my e mails, excusing myself for intruding if not interested ect. I have tried icebreakers and questions. I only have 5 live matches and 18 who i have contacted. I have come to ther conclusion I must be doing something wrong as the ladies who have wrote on this blog seem very polite, unlike my matches who cannot be bothered to say no thanks.
I would appreciate any advice from men women or e harmony as logging in every night to see a blank inbox is getting me down.
Regards Ady

eharmony

16 September 2010 10:26

Hi Ady,

Sorry to hear your eHarmony experience has not been what you hoped for so far. By the sounds of it you’re doing lots of the things that we would suggest everyone does to maximise their levels of communication, so well done. However, there are always more things you can do. The first thing I can do to help you is forward your comment onto our Customer Care team who will be in touch shortly. They have lots of experience helping eHarmony members get the most out of their accounts. They will be able to view your account and make any suggestions specific to helping you get more matches and increase your communication levels.

In the meantime, here are some suggestions that might help:

* Make sure your photo is clear, that you’re smiling, and preferably that it looks like someone else has taken it. Many people take photos of themselves and post them, which some members find off putting
* Include other photos in your gallery too, to tell your matches something else about yourself – you might want them to show you playing your favourite sport, with your family or your pets, or on holiday. Use the captions to explain why you posted the photo, and, if there’s more than one person in the photo which one you are.
* Make sure your profile is complete and really sells you – find more information on how to do this here: http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/using-eharmony/2010/06/insider-knowledge-how-to-make-your-eharmony-profile-stand-out
* If you’re using eHarmony Mail, review your opening email to matches – does it sound confident, is it too long, or too short? You can read the top 10 messaging sins here, and find out what other members had to say about online dating email message likes and dislikes: http://www.eharmony.co.uk/relationship-advice/using-eharmony/2010/08/online-dating-the-10-biggest-message-sins

I hope this helps Ady, and our Customer Care team will be in touch soon.

Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice

Steve, manchester

16 September 2010 19:35

J – you dont need to turn someone down with an email – just click on close.

rachel

16 September 2010 22:00

I haven’t posted a photo. I’m a good-looking girl but I don’t want to receive messages from men who like my looks, I want to hear from those who like my profile. I’d also rather get to know the ‘book not the cover’, and wish there was a way to make matches’ photos invisible to myself until I request them once a rapport is established. Not everyone is looks-obsessed.

Gaz

17 September 2010 16:27

A turndown function sounds like a very good idea to me, Have chatted to people for a bit and then they just close communication with no reason as to why,

Then there are those who accept communication and then do not respond to messages! If you are not interested, don’t reply in the first place!

Would also be nice to see if a message has been read as this would enable users to consider whether it is prudent to send another or not if they have not replied.

Thanks

Jan

18 September 2010 21:38

I am begining to think I smell a rat here ( hope not )within seconds of joining I got 5 matches one week later I got 1 more? I have a very honest profile, not asking for anything, I have posted quite attractive photo’s. Can anyone explain why 5 in 5 minutes yet only 1 in a week.

Cat

19 September 2010 15:57

Re photos taken by the member themselves. Not so much on this site but certainly on other sites there seem to be a lot of men who take photos of their reflections with a mobile. Why? I don’t like photos of myself so consequently when I joined the dating site I had to ask friends to send me photos they had taken of me on days/evenings out. Surely they must know someone who can take a photo of them or will have a photo of them that they can use.

Jill

19 September 2010 21:36

I can so sympathise with Ady. It is very similar to my story too.Of the matches i have been sent i have met with four.None were compatible. I have sent quite a few icebreakers and have had nothing back at all. I wonder why some people are on an internet dating site but yet never seem to use their computer. At the moment i am so disheartened by all this….
Re photos, i know that some people don’t take good ones, me included, but i have posted 3. I think people on this site should be made to post one as they give you the chance to make a decision as to whether you want to take things further.I know they are not the be all and end all but at least they give you an option. In 23 matches i had 11 who did not have a photo. This is not acceptable!
Just one last thing. I am 5’9″ tall and i have stated in my profile that height is important to me, obviously this is not registering at e harmony because i am being sent quite a few matches who are a lot shorter than me.A 5’2″ man is not a match for me. Sorry but i have a thing about height…

19 September 2010 22:27

I agree with some of the comments above, especially regarding the photographs, or lack of them. I do not think eharmony should accept profiles that do not have photos to accompany them. It’s not shallow to want to see what someone looks like; it feels a bit sinister to communicate with a faceless person and they can see what I look like and judge me on that basis. Also, the icebreakers do not reflect what I actually want to say; I think there should be an opportunity to write your own icebreaker. Lastly, surely there are more members who live in London! I am getting so many matches that are too far away to facilitate any chance of a relationship. I have changed my distance settings from 60 to 30 and am still receiving matches that are too far away.

Steve, Manchester

19 September 2010 22:52

Cat, I think for ladies/girls they do take lots of pics of their mates but for us blokes it’s different – my mates have no pics of me.

Sarina

19 September 2010 23:04

I agree with Sharon, there should be an indication of whether or not someone has full membership. If you’ve exchanged a few mails, a reason for closure is only polite, maybe a dropbox where you can select just one option? As for an option to hide a profile picture for those who haven’t uploaded theirs – BRILLIANT!

Teresa

20 September 2010 19:33

I agree with almost everything that has already been said. I had someone contact me and I responded but he just didn’t bother to reply and closed me. Why bother contacting me in the first place? Most matches have no photos and when I ask for a photo they don’t bother to post one.

I must admit I am getting a bit despondent as I have been on this site since June and will probably not continue my membership when it comes up for renewal in October.

Robert(Manchester)

20 September 2010 23:09

If someone doesn’t show a photograph and the grammar is poor,or perhaps more to the point their grasp of the english language is poor,then beware,that person is probably a scammer.I have seen this on some other dating sites where the woman hasn’t posted a photo along with very poor english and have reported it to the relevant website.One of the website administrators wrote back to me and confirmed that the woman that I reported about was a scammer.

Steve, Manchester

21 September 2010 01:06

yes poor spelling/grammar is to be avoided. who wants to date someone that’s poorly educated? or should that be “pourly edukated?”!

Diane (Glasgow)

21 September 2010 22:35

I would avoid anyone who cant spell properly as it shows that you do not want to impress a woman!
Equally not reading what I have taken great time to write to give you an insight is quite frankly an insult and I will not bother taking it further!
Also not making a picture available is very suspicious to me! And asking for MSN suggests you are a serial dater and again not what Im looking for.
Guys remember one thing!!! A FIRST IMPRESSION IS A LASTING IMPRESSION!! Muck it up and you dont get a second chance sadly

Rachel

22 September 2010 02:59

I’ve been a member of this site for nearly 2 months and I agree with most comments given so far. I have been pretty underwhelmed by the matches I’ve been sent.. majority with no photos, profile barely filled in, and upon closer reading of profiles many matches are clearly not compatible… what’s a flexi match? And what is the point in them? I’ve been thorough in my profile and what i am looking for and I seem to be spending all my time archiving “matches” that clearly aren’t.
On the spelling front.. I do try to look past this as not everyone is blessed with correct grammar especially for people with Dyslexia, and I think a a well written profile can determine if someone is genuinely struggling with spelling or just lazy, but text speak is an absolute no in my view.

Alan

23 September 2010 08:53

I’ve been a member of eHarmony since May, and so much of the above rings true with me. I have a complete profile and three decent photos, I’m in London and have my settings at 60 miles and a wide age range.

The system works in as much that I receive two or three matches every day, but despite my sending an icebreaker or a message to well over 100 matches in that time, only two have responded – and only one person has initiated contact with me.

I’ve come to the conclusion that eHarmony is full of free members who don’t want to pay to respond or make contact, or eHarmony has a large bank of non-active members that they use to boost their statistics. When my subscription expires, I certainly won’t be renewing it.

Alan

Steve, manchester

25 September 2010 11:16

I’ve had around 15 matches a day in my 2 months since joining of which something like 95% don’t respond to messages.

Some at least have the decency to ‘close’ you so you know where you stand but most don’t. It is very frustrating when I want to put the effort to meet someone for more than just a short term fling but I feel like most of the ‘members’ aren’t making an effort.

mags

25 September 2010 13:50

Greetings all – I’m afraid I’m guilty of not replying to requests for email and other forms of communication. I’ve not become a paid member yet, so cannot even acknowledge any communication (or is it possible and I’m unaware of it?)
It would be nice to either have ‘Unpaid member – cant reply’ show on your profile or have the ability to click some sort of acknowledgement.
Ditto downloading a photo. Perhaps when I feel a bit braver (being very new to this) I will become a paid member.

Nick Thorne

25 September 2010 17:42

I am having another lousy time with dating websites So many ladies don’t bother to email me back either because they can’t be bothered or not paying members so can’t reply. I have 1 more month left on here as a paying member and won’t renew it and also leave the site no point in just being free member as you can’t contact any other member anyway.

carole

27 September 2010 13:58

I would like to say that I just joined e Harmony and am unhappy with the matches I am receiving, The majority of them are over 100 miles from where I live! I did state that I wanted local dates only but this has been overlooked. I have paid my subscription for 3 months and if I cancel I will get now refund.I would appreciate if eHarmony would look into this and make an attempt to send me local matches. At the moment I’m not happy with the service provided.

eharmony

27 September 2010 15:17

Hi Carole,

I’m sorry to hear you’re not having the eHarmony experience you’d hoped for. It may help you to know that you can adjust your Match Settings so that you are only sent matches within a certain radius. If you then specify that this setting is very important to you, we will never send you matches outside of your radius. To do this follow these steps:

1. Log into your eHarmony account
2. Go to the ‘My Settings’ tab and from there click on the ‘Distance’ tab
3. Here you can adjust your distance settings
4. Underneath the map, you will see a section asking ‘How important is this to you?’. Move the slider to 7. This way we will know that this setting is very important to you and we won’t send you matches outside your distance settings.

I hope this helps. If you need any more advice, please call our Customer Care team for free on 0800 028 0308, 8am-8pm, Mon-Fri. They will be happy to talk through any issues you have with your account, and offer advice.

Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice

Steve, Manchester

28 September 2010 21:08

I think there just aren’t enough members on here to be able to expect someone local especially when you allow for the fact most people aren’t responding to messages ‘cos they aren’t subscribers.

Sue

11 October 2010 00:02

I am also guilty of not replying to people. It’s gave me something to think about. Occasionally I do put the odd lol in a message, as emails (as well as texts) can be misconstrued and what may sound funny even when you read it back, may not be funny to the person receiving it. To me, it’s a way of showing what’s written is a joke. Ha ha doesn’t always suffice.

Steve, Manchester

12 October 2010 00:57

treat people as you’d expect/want to be treated. I reply to all messages because I know how annoying and upsetting it can be to be ignored. Or if not then at least Close the person so they know to move on.

Vee

5 November 2010 23:57

Oh dear, I’ve just completed my profile and deliberating whether or not to subscribe – I’ve clicked on my matches and no results have been found, I amended some of the search criteria and still no luck – the question is; if there are no matches now will there be if I subscribe? It’s not looking hopeful is it!

eharmony

6 November 2010 00:38

Hi Vee,

Thanks for getting in touch. If you’re completed the questionnaire and your profile you should be receiving matches. However, I’m going to forward your comments onto our Customer Care team who will be in touch, via email, shortly. They will be able to check your account to make sure there are no technical issues.

In the meantime there are two things you can do:

1. When you are logged in, on your Home tab, on the left hand side there is a header that says ‘Match settings’. Underneath that there is a line that says ‘Matching is..’ and this will be followed by either ‘On’ or ‘Off’. Make sure this is saying ‘On’

2. Under your My Matches tab, at the top, on the right hand side, there is a link that says ‘Find new matches’. Clicking this will ‘push’ any new matches you have waiting (we send you a few matches a day to help you get to know your matches at an even pace – this will send you any matches that are waiting for you for the following day)

Best wishes,
eHarmony Advice

25 November 2010 19:11

I completely agree with Jill… I am also quite tall at 5’9 and have stated that height is ‘Very important’ to me, yet there is no ‘slider’ application for this stipulation. I know that such a cosmetic detail may sound shallow of me, but I am seriously not going to be able to happily date someone who is a whole head and shoulders shorter than me! Please eHarmony, stop sending me matches that are 5’2!!

Sandra

1 December 2010 19:18

Having read previous comments I must admit that I have not always replied to matches because I simply wasn’t interested but was unable to communicate this to them.
Please eHarmony can you put something in place because I do not like closing matches without some kind of reason. Thank You

Steve, manchester

2 December 2010 17:14

Sandra – why do you want to be able to have a “reason” to tell someone why you are closing them? So as not to be rude? Perhaps ignoring/not responding to people because you aren’t interested in them is equally if not more rude?!

Alan

28 December 2010 11:34

I’d like to have an option that says that matches cant see my photos if they haven’t posted any themselves.

28 December 2010 14:21

i just read that people are put off by grammer and spelling . i do suffer with dyslexic this so can we have spell check please. i am far from uneducated but my grammer does let me down ..

Helen

28 December 2010 14:44

Yes I agree with most of the comments above. I, personally, have no desire to converse with someone with no photo. It is slightly intimidating and past experience has shown me that their descriptions are NOTHING like reality!!
I am really disappointed with this site. It is one of the most expensive on the market with the worst results and I have recommended friends to steer clear. As stated we have no idea whether these ‘matches’ are fully paid up members-which they should be. By all means sign up and peruse the site but they should have a 24hr time limit before being deleted/blocked. As for ‘fleximatch’- what a joke! Just because 2 people are ‘religious’ or ‘non-religious’ doesn’t make them a match. Trading Standards would have a field day. Stick to Plenty of Fish and Dating Direct. The results are far better.

Neil

28 December 2010 15:34

I never put a photo on here as I was was once in a pub with friends and a lady with us was pointing out people who she had seen on another dating site.
I am extremely camera shy as I do not consider myself attractive and seem to look bad in pictures.
I would make the suggestion of a hidden photograph on your profile. Possibly a blurry picture that an interested match could ask to be cleared just for them to see if they like what they have read about you.
A feature like this which would be good on a site that sells compatability not looks.
It help those who work in the public sector or people who dont want to be ridiculed in a pub.

Mike McCleary

28 December 2010 21:43

I agree with all of the comments regarding not posting a photo, why? we are all on this site to find that special person, i post mine, what is it with people who choose not too? I personally feel it should be made a pre-requisite. I’m sure we all would feel more comfortable knowing what we both look like before we decide to engage with each other, after all, the way we look, without doubt is what attracts us to each other. You then move on beyond the physical to see if there is more to be discovered. Agree with the comments regarding spelling.Hope this doe’s not seem to harsh, not intended.

joe

28 December 2010 21:56

I’d like to echo what has already been said re lack of responses. I have a clear photo, well written profile, etc which several friends both male and female reviewed and thought was excellent. Yet most of my icebreakers haven’t even had a response (and yes I am considered tall dark and easy on the eyes). I’ve been on the site for about a year and having met just two (very unsuitable) ladies I won’t be renewing- waste of money and more importantly a waste of time:-(.

Andrew

28 December 2010 22:36

Just read this (and the responses) for the first time today… interesting how much agreement there is! And equally, disappointing how few (none) of the great ideas for improving the EH experience, have been taken up.

I’d give my personal thumbs up to most of the suggestions made above – ‘last online’ would also help weed out the non-members; even a ‘full member/trial member’ note would be good – I appreciate EH uses these things to try and get more trialers signed up, but I’m sure loses as many paying members because of the perceived lack of responses.

Near the start a couple of guys posted that they were used to using text speak. Well fine – but if you were at work do you do presentations for your boss in text speak? Learn where it’s appropriate for heaven’s sake. It might be OK for a nightclub hook up, but not when you’re trying to find a significant other.

“lol” is my personal bugbear. Someone posted above that she used it to point out when she had made a joke. My thought here would be that if they get your sense of humour, they don’t need it, but if they don’t get it then you’re not compatible, so you’re not losing out at all.

I do look at photo-less profiles, but they have to be quite special for me to start communication. A photo is no big deal – if you can put anything up, do so. More of an issue for me is no info in the profiles. If you can go through the sign up questionaire (which is massive for EH) then make a bit of effort on the most important part. If you can’t be bothered to fill it in, don’t be shocked if I can’t be bothered to reply!

And women are just as bad for the sporty thing – I swear 80% of my matches have gone trekking across Asia or on the Inca trail, or lived abroad for 10 years, etc etc. It’s not always a good thing – at 40, I’m looking for someone to settle down with, hopefully to start a family,

Sam

30 December 2010 00:39

From someone who has used internet dating twice the best advice I can give is develop a thick skin. It’s nothing personal if somebody doesn’t reply to your messages, it just simply means that for whatever reason, your profile or picture wasn’t for them, the same as the majority of matches you receive won’t do it for you so don’t spend time worrying about why they closed you and don’t feel rude for not replying to everyone who contacts you – it’s just the way it is with this type of dating, it doesn’t make you a bad person. As for spelling, I’ve worked in London for over 20 years and I couldn’t tell you how much correspondence I have received from CEO’s, Chairman and their right hand people which have spelling and grammar mistakes in them – it hasn’t done them any harm so you’re definitely missing a trick there! Surely it’s more important to read what they are trying to say, not how it’s written. I met a lovely guy on here who ran his own successful business but couldn’t spell for toffee so try not to be too judgemental. One final thing, I’ve been guilty of sending replies longer than the one I’ve been sent, the only reason being that I am a fast typist so it doesn’t take a minute for me to type a lot – something to maybe bear in mind if it’s put you off before and the same can be said for those who only put a short reply – a lot of people who join are not so computer literate.

Andy

30 December 2010 18:27

From what I’ve seen, most dating sites like to exagerate the number of people using their site.
Of the matches I’ve had from eharmony, I wonder how many are active members?
A lot of people comment on not having replies, the obvious reason is that the person is no longer using eharmony, but the profile is still active.
Eharmony, can you honestly tell us if were being matched with people who have logged in within the last month…

michael

14 January 2011 00:23

Hi two all im looking for a fun loveing woman. I like walking , cooking , swiming and going out

Cat

30 January 2011 01:01

Andrew completely agree with you about profiles. I’ve had profiles with two/three word answers which tell me nothing about the person. It’s amazing the difference there is between a couple of words and a couple of sentences. The latter can form a picture that the former doesn’t.

gail

9 March 2011 12:28

hi. i agree with most of the posts above. on another thread i have already requested that EH consider, amongst other things;
1)’last online’ or ‘last logged-in’ information on a profile, as it’s not exactly morale boosting to wait for responses.
2) a symbol to identify whether a member is active. one match i was sent last week had even written on his profile that he had met someone and was no longer looking! so please explain how/why they were sent to me as a match?
3) a symbol to identify whether a person has a paid subscription. its really disheartening to have forked out for a membership (and its not cheap!) and send out endless ice-breakers to no avail.

it would be good to know whether EH take any suggestions onboard?

ON2

23 March 2011 23:18

Good article! I also agree with most of the improvements listed here and have entered them in to the pop up survey box that has just appeared! It does seem a shame however that EH don’t listen to their customer base.

I use the EH Iphone App a lot, I don’t access EH from work and when I’m home I don’t really want to sit on the PC or laptop, so my EH’ing is done from my Iphone whilst I’m on the move – The point I’m making here is that I recently got “closed” because I answered one ladies 5 questions “too quickly” – One cannot win! The notification popped up on my phone so I fired the answers back and obviously came across as desperate or similar!! I can’t think of a technical improvement for this, but seriously – Is this an issue for women out there?

Scott

28 June 2011 23:42

Regarding point number 5 – the lack of a chat facility is a major failing on this website. I would like the opportunity to engage some of my matches in an actual conversation without having to give out my personal messenger / email addresses first. Email is all very well, but it can be a little stifled if you’re both busy people and only have time to exchange emails once or twice a week – being able to chat using a messenger service would make using the site much easier.

Scott

28 June 2011 23:52

As other users have noted, the process of closing matches is extremely contrived and frustrating. Not only do you have to click between different screens, but there’s no way to give any explanation of why you’re closing the match other than email (which I presume can’t be read once you’ve closed the match anyway?). Also the sheer numbers of matches are overwhelming. Given how time-consuming it is to close a match, when I log on after a week or so and find over 100 new matches in my inbox, it’s simply impossible to keep up – I expected the site to be a way of meeting people – not a bureaucratic drain on my free time! Please eHarmony, employ a designer who knows what a user-friendly interface is!

Tiffany

14 August 2011 10:37

I agree with all the reasons other users have given above, but one thing that has stopped me renewing my membership is that as a black lady all my matches seem to be from Africa. Now whilst I don’t have any problem with Africans not all black people are from there so it would be nice to have more of a choice of the Black option. For example Black Carribean or Black British.

Claire

14 August 2011 12:18

Thanks to eHarmony to pointing out this article. Also wow – if eHarmony is the home of such militant grammar and spelling pedants there’s not much point in me joining.
Not everyone is taught grammar and an inability to spell does not imply limited intelligence. I take it no-one on the site is dyslexic.

sharon

14 August 2011 16:21

when the profile allows a certain number of characters, i understand that to mean here is an opportunity to be descriptive and conversational. one or two word answers are hardly that! nor do they induce interest. you have an opportunity to write your own brochure. why waste it?
#3 is an instant close if he’s already talking about what he’d like to do the morning after… not what i’m on eh for thanks very much.

bea

15 August 2011 13:29

As i am not yet a paid up member – i apologise for sending smiles – as i had not realised i would notbe able to receive any correspondance

eHarmony

17 August 2011 13:36

Hi Tiffany,

Thanks for your comments – I’ve forwarded your suggestion to our product team who work on that side of eHarmony. I’m sorry you haven’t found the matches you’d hoped for.

Best wishes,
Emily
eHarmony Advice

Richard Lawton

14 January 2012 22:39

They all seem sensible recommendations – until you actually think about it. In effect, they’re telling you *not* to be yourself. If someone prefers the informality of text-speak, is not very literate or is desperate for some quick – ahem – results and that’s not for you, then it’s better to discover that at first contact rather than down the line.

Unless, of course, eH are going in for self-awareness and personal development. As that’s my field, perhaps I should start a dating site…

Marcus

15 January 2012 13:00

I also never got any reply, I think the idea of eHarmony is to contact as many women as possible so one out of 1000 might be interested.

This is the same as going into the club and talk to as many women as possible in hope to take one home.

So why should I bother what to put into messages if there are only princesses here?

Francesca

15 January 2012 17:23

I agree with a lot of the points mentioned here and I especially agree with having a thicker skin when being on websites like this. There’s a couple of things that bothers me, for example, why communicate with someone and then doesn’t bother to reply? Also, I’m tired of getting mail responses wanting to add me on Facebook? Surely eharmony should add rules that should state, Facebook requests are not permitted! It’s simply a cheap, actually free and easy way of getting to know someone. Seems like men who request this are just wanting a collection of women and are serial daters. It doesn’t make a good impression what so ever and puts me off eharmony to be honest.

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