21 March 2012
How NOT to get attached to your matches too soon
by eHarmony
Online dating is a brilliant way to meet new people, but you need to be careful you don’t fall into the trap of creating fake intimacy. Here are our tips for not falling for your matches too soon...
It’s quite easy to feel a connection with someone you’ve met online, and that’s one of the great things about online dating, but you need to be sure you don’t get attached to your matches too quickly. After all, you can’t truly know someone without spending a significant amount of time with them.
We often get comments and questions here from people who felt they’d really been getting close to their match, but then that person had told them they weren’t interested or had disappeared completely. One way to avoid some of the hurt that comes with this situation is to ensure that you don’t get in too deep, too quickly. Here are our top 4 tips for just that!
1. There is no such thing as the perfect person
When you’re in the mindset of looking for someone special to share your life with, it becomes easy to imagine that the first person you go on a date with could be THE ONE. Unfortunately it’s far too easy to idealise someone on your first couple of dates with them. You can gloss over anything negative and create this idealised view of them in your mind.
There’s not much you can do to prevent this, but if you do find yourself falling into this trap time and time again, remind yourself that no one is perfect, and we all have our foibles.
2. Happy ever after belongs in fairytales only
There is no such thing as happy ever after, as much as we wish there was. There is such a thing as a very happy couple, and true love, but ‘happy ever after’ is best left to Cinderella. If you start communicating with someone, or dating them, and find yourself thinking everything will turn out wonderfully, then you need a reality check. A happy, long-term relationship is created by to loving people who put a lot of hard work into their partnership. That’s not to say a relationship is all hard work – far from it – but you are neither Cinderella or Prince Charming!
3. No one can complete you
You probably know the famous line from ‘Jerry Maguire’ where Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger’s character that ‘You complete me’. That line is perfect…in a film. In real life, it doesn’t work. YOU need to complete you. And if you’re not complete then you need to work on being the best you can be, rather than waiting for someone else to come along and fix you.
Don’t expect your matches to fulfil your emotional needs; that’s your job.
4. Electronic attraction is different to real attraction
This is a big one, and essential to remember when you’re online dating. Someone might seem like the perfect person by email, but don’t let your emotions take over. Wait to meet up with them before you let your heart make any decisions. Otherwise, you’ll go into every date putting far too much pressure on the situation and end up sorely disappointed.
1
thepeacehappiness
13 May 2012 23:22
excellent – the advice is getting better and better.
2
Ama
21 May 2012 19:03
A very wise advice
3
Sara
27 May 2012 08:35
spot on advice…To be happy with yourself firstly and then to find some else who is too! Not easy… as this article says you don’t need some one to fix!
4
Honestlady
27 May 2012 13:57
After many times of thinking Mr Right was Mr Wrong – very good advice and well worth remembering.
5
Mik
5 June 2012 15:03
Great advice. Absolutely agree with the advice about needing to “fix yourself” if you have emotional needs. Don’t expect someone else to do it for you.
People who are carefree, fun and genuine are attractive. People who feel the world is against them are not.
6
Mik
5 June 2012 15:06
Rob – Not sure what you are doing wrong. But several years here and 2 dates?? I think you need to leave eHarmony, and try to sort yourself out first. The problem is not with eHarmony. You need to take positive action to work out what is going wrong, and then change it. Don’t give up.
7
Gill
5 June 2012 21:23
You have to be open minded with online dating agencies. It is easier when you are younger to meet a partner, you have less expectations and less established in your own life and mind. Dating from an online site can appear somewhat clinical as we all know why we are on a site, however, you never know, you might just meet someone who has similar interests, ethics, morals, life expectations etc that compliment yours, possibly more likely of a success than meeting someone on a night out, especially when you are older as many are married and are only looking for fun. Just be open minded and there really is no stigma with being on a site anymore, in particular a credible site like this one. Good luck to all x
8
Bexx
31 July 2012 22:25
I totally agree with Gill’s sentiments. Yes,you really have to be open minded with a dating site and realise that online communication is far far different from meeting someone face to face.
Unfortunately, I fell into the electronic fake relationship on a dating site and both of us got carried away with far too many texts/emails before we met (instigated by the man). When we did eventually meet I felt very let down as the person I visualised (a bit like visualising characters in a book when you can’t see them for real) was nothing like his texts led me to believe. I blame myself for falling for his very well worded comments and patter (and comments that had most probably been used time and time again) and although I’m a very intelligent person, I got carried away with my imagination and almost felt like I was “falling” for this man.
I have learnt a valuable lesson in that I will never get carried away again with numerous texts/emails before meeting someone and in future will arrange to meet as soon as possible, keeping email communication to the absolute minimum.
A dating site is a great medium for meeting a potential partner but only if the people actually meet face to face. Sadly in my experience as someone who genuinely wants to find a partner, there are too many players on dating sites and a lot of married men looking for a bit of fun.
9
David
11 November 2012 13:08
The advice here and feedback has been spot on. Don’t blame eharmony when things don’t turn out as you wish – best look at yourself. Only YOU can really improve your personality and you are never too old. And it’s wonderful when people notice the difference. In my experience, if you like someone try and get a date within a few weeks. Don’t live in a ‘virtual’ world. The longer you just email/txt the harder it becomes to meet. And far more pressure on the both of you when you finally do.