What do you believe is possible for you in a relationship second time around?
It can be hard to believe in love when you’ve been burned before. Rebecca Perkins shares her advice for changing your mindset second time around
I’m sure that this is a question that you’ve considered in one way or another as you’ve been completing your online dating profile. I know that I was certainly coloured by past experience and wondering if it was possible to believe in love again, what that would look like and how I would meet someone.
It all boils down to the word ‘believe’. I could tell you about all the people I know who have created fabulous relationships second time around. I could share all the positives that they say make their relationships so much more rewarding in many ways second time around. But that’s not helpful if you don’t ‘see’ it for yourself.
Recognising that beliefs are just thoughts
The word that I’m focusing on here is ‘belief’ and your belief specifically. Beliefs are simply thoughts that we’ve had many, many times and which we now see as real. We see them as the truth. Our beliefs often aren’t actually real, yet they seem to be because we’ve attached so much meaning to them.
Someone might say, ‘I’ll never find someone my age, I’m too old now, all the men are looking for much younger women.’ And that person may truly believe that to be the truth. You and I might laugh at that and know that it’s not true. After all, I have two friends with parents in their 80s who have found love again. Age wasn’t a barrier for them.
Another person could say, ‘Nobody wants a long-term relationship anymore, it all seems so casual, I’ll never find anyone.’ I might empathise, but also let them know that it’s simply a thought that they’re having in that moment and it’s not true, even though they believe it.
Challenging what we believe
You see, by being stuck in these thoughts we run the risk of them coming true. I’m always encouraging clients to live in a state of possibility, to ask themselves, ‘What if?’ instead.
I have a dear friend who once told me, in no uncertain terms (and quite colourful language), that until I got rid of the ‘stay away’ sign that was inked onto my forehead, then it was unlikely that I would meet anyone! And although I was horrified and couldn’t believe that what she said was true, it slowly dawned on me that she had a very valid point. There was an awful lot of insecure thinking going on in my head and as soon as I acknowledged it, things began to change.
The same can be true for you. What do you believe is possible? And what are you prepared to let go of in order to believe something different and let more helpful thoughts take over?
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