Getting over Heartbreak – How to Believe in Love Again
Are you one of the six million UK adults who’ve given up on the idea of love? Break-up coach and writer Laura Yates talks break-ups, heartbreak and healing.
eHarmony recently released the results of a survey, which revealed that one in eight adults in the UK have given up on the idea of love.
- Six million UK adults (12%) have given up on finding love – including both singles and people in relationships.
- Two fifths of singles (41%) have been alone for more than a decade
So it seems there are a lot of despondent people out there when it comes to love! The fact that so many say they want to find love yet have given up on it is a really sad thing. However it’s actually not surprising. If you’ve already convinced yourself that love doesn’t exist for you, then you’re fighting a losing battle.
When it comes to finding love after heartbreak, it’s a fairly normal reaction to put up those emotional barriers to avoid getting hurt. The lower the expectations the less likely you’ll be to get let down, right? But I think what we often do is not actually get over the heartbreak at all, and instead, put up those defences to compensate.
We hate feeling all of the feelings that comes with the end of a relationship or even bad dating experiences so we avoid them and often look for love again with our emotions and our heads all over the place. It’s a harsh reality but you really have to go through all of the hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness – really endure all of that soul shattering stuff in order to heal properly and be able to open up your heart again. That might sound a bit woo woo, but to find love, you have to truly believe it is out there for you. When you haven’t dealt with previous heartbreak or at least accepted it and moved on, you’re going to be competing with all kinds of negative attitudes about love and relationships that are going to completely hinder your chances of finding the real deal.
I know many people who go out dating (and I’ve been guilty of it myself!) after getting their heart broken with the attitude of ‘well, I doubt I’ll meet anyone but I suppose I should get back out there’. Imagine going on a first date with someone who already believes that they could never have a connection with you? It seems pointless really doesn’t it? If you want to find love but you go out dating with the attitude of never finding it, that’s a self sabotaging thought process from the get-go. It doesn’t feel good for you or the people you’re dating.
Perhaps you’ve given up on dating altogether. This is understandable too because if you’ve have had previous bad experiences, it’s feels safer to completely deny yourself the opportunity to let that happen again. But one thing is for sure, if you’ve cut yourself off from the idea of love or a connection with someone, you probably ain’t going to find it. And it finding you is even more unlikely.
I think if you have convinced yourself that love isn’t for you, first of all think about why that is. Does some more work need to be done on yourself after your previous heartbreak? If so, that’s fine! It’s a good thing because it will help you get to the core of all the emotions and issues you’re experiencing, figure them out and be more open to love in the future. If there are other practical things going on in your life that you feel are ‘getting in the way’ of love, are you actually doing something about that? Or are those just an excuse? Sometimes, we really don’t have to have everything figured out to find love.
If you’ve battled the same issues in relationships over and over and you’ve convinced yourself you’re ‘jinxed’, maybe the type of people you’ve dated or been in relationships with indicates part of where the problem is? Maybe it’s time to try something or someone different? Are there certain behaviours or habits that you need to work on too?
It’s also about keeping things in perspective. A few bad dates don’t mean that you’re never going to find love!
I don’t think there’s anyone who doesn’t on some level, fear that love isn’t going to work out for them. Love can break us and it’s not a nice place to be when that happens. But sometimes avoidance of rejection in love can only be overcome by embracing that and taking a chance. Look at all the people you probably know and all the stories you hear about where people have had their hearts broken endless times and then unexpectedly found love just like that. Or the people who have dated, dated and dated but then that one more first date led to something amazing.
If you know you want love you have to believe it’s there for you. Be clear on what’s important to you in a person and a relationship but stay open minded about the type of people you date. If you need to do more in regards to making yourself happy or to feel better about other parts of your life, then be proactive about that.
To find love, you need to believe it’s out there for you. You’re much more likely to find a meaningful connection with someone if you actually believe in the possibility of it happening.
Laura Yates is a relationship coach and writer who specialises in helping people through break-ups and heartbreak. Laura provides clients with bespoke tools, techniques and mindsets that enable them to deal with their emotional struggles whilst moving forward in their life with renewed energy and focus. Laura also helps people to build up their confidence, communication and interaction skills when getting back into dating.
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