Online dating for modest types


Modesty is often seen as a great trait, but in the dating world it can make things much harder. Aggressive, loud people tend to get on better because they’re happy to shout about what makes them a great catch, and that aggressiveness can be mistaken for confidence, which is an attractive trait to many people.

If you fall into the modest camp, well, stop being so modest about it! Embrace that trait and in the meantime check out our suggestions that should lead you to online dating success.

1.    Modest doesn’t = passive
The bad news first: there’s no room for shrinking violets in the online dating world. This is ironic, as many people turn to online dating to dip their toes into the waters of dating after previous bad experiences.

Now for the good news: you can use online dating to help combat those feelings of modesty or shyness because – when you think about it – online dating makes that first point of contact with another person so much less cringeworthy. Compare sending someone an email with going up to them in a bar and saying ‘Hi!’; no contest really.

The important thing to remember if you’re a modest type who’s decided to try online dating is that you control your destiny. You can sit there and wait for the communication to come flooding in, but it probably won’t.  This especially applies if you’re a woman; many shy women revert to traditional gender roles online and wait for men to get in touch. But consider this; a male match you like may be sifting through 10s of matches that he’s thinking about. If you just drop him a line you instantly make yourself stand out.

And if all this still seems scary, remember that it is just you saying ‘Hi!’, not a marriage proposal. So if the worst does happen and your match closes you, or doesn’t reply, you at least know that they judged you on some very basic details, and not on who you really are, deep down.

2.    Get a second pair of eyes on your profile
If you’re modest, chances are you aren’t too keen on talking about yourself, which is unfortunately what your online dating profile is all about. We’re not saying your profile should be an essay about how amazing you are, but it should give the person reading your profile some really interesting information about you, and something that makes them think, ‘This is definitely someone I’d like to have a coffee with’.

Instead of staring at a blank screen for hours thinking you’ve got nothing to say (and by the way, a blank profile is NOT an option, it will get an immediate ‘Close’ from most eHarmony users) it’s time to call in the reserves. Friends and family can be an amazing help here, as they’ll be able to see in you things that you probably don’t see yourself. Whether that’s your particular talents, interests or traits it all counts.

You shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask for help, or tell someone you’re online dating, but if you are there’s another option. You can submit your profile to us (anonymously if you like) for feedback from our community. Find out more here

3.  Admit your modesty
Unfortunately, modesty, shyness, whatever you want to call it, is often misunderstood. On a date it can be seen as disinterest, laziness or even arrogance. This is where it pays to be upfront about your modesty, so your date will take your reactions for what they are, rather than interpreting them in a negative way.

People often take verbal and physical clues from their date to work out whether it’s going well, but you might feel less comfortable with the classic arm touch or holding someone’s gaze for a while. If this is the case, you’ll need to find other ways to let your date know you’re interested (assuming you are of course!).  This might be simply saying ‘I had a really great time tonight, I’d love to do it again’, or giving your date a good hug instead of a kiss, if the latter makes you uncomfortable.

4.    Consider compromise
Compromise is something that comes much more easily when it’s for the right person. If you like your date, and they’ve been understanding about your shyness then maybe it’s time to trust them a little give them something back. Maybe that’s letting them hold your hand while you walk down the street or meeting some of their friends, even if you’re not 100% in your comfort zone. After all, how would you feel if your modesty caused you to lose someone really special?


If this article gave you the confidence to find your match, try eHarmony today!

Join Now

More like this:

By posting a comment, I agree to the Community Standards.
Need help with