“Should I end it?” and 4 more dating dilemmas solved
Life is full of dilemmas and when it comes to matters of the heart it’s doubly important that we have healthy strategies for dealing with difficult dilemmas in the most honest and sensitive way we can.
1. Should I end it?
This is the ultimate dating dilemma and one that can twist you up in knots of indecision. One way of coming to a decision is to write a list of pros and cons. Sometimes seeing all the positive and negative aspects of the relationship written down in black and white can help you really see the right course of action to take.
The time for indecision is before you say anything to your partner, not after. Talk it through with friends, write it out, give yourself time to think about it and remember not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion like fear or anger.
2. I don’t like my date’s friends
This is always a tricky dilemma because it can create a real conflict within the relationship. Before you say anything to your date you need to know exactly what it is you are uncomfortable or unhappy about. Saying ‘I don’t like your friends’ is unlikely to go down well because we choose our friends, unlike our family, so to some extent they are a reflection of our personality and tastes.
If it is language, behaviour or how your date behaves when they are with their friends then try to find a way of saying that without getting personal about anyone in particular. While you shouldn’t spend every date hanging out with mates it is also unrealistic to expect to have your date exclusively to yourself all the time. The ability to compromise is important in relationships so accept that there will be times when you might have so smile and put up with people you aren’t that keen on for the sake of harmony. Whatever you do don’t make your date choose between you and their friends
3. My match has bad manners.
This is a difficult subject to broach with someone especially if they seem to be completely unaware of the problem. Whether it is poor table manners; lack of common courtesy when dealing with people in restaurants or shops or rudeness towards you i.e. just getting a drink for themselves and not asking if you want anything – bad manners can erode a relationship very quickly if the issue isn’t addressed.
It may be difficult to say anything because you don’t want to upset or offend your match but if their manners are upsetting and offensive to you the relationship isn’t going to stand a chance anyway. In the end you are doing them a favour if they are unaware of the problem because they will have the chance to be more conscious of their manners in the future and not be left wondering why first dates never lead to second dates.
4. It’s hard to say ‘no’
In order to be able to fully participate in the dating process it is essential that you become comfortable with saying ‘no’. Going along with things you aren’t really happy with; accepting dates with people you aren’t interested in or continuing communication after you have already decided you aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship – all waste your time and theirs.
Instead of trying not to cause offence to anyone make it your mission not to cause offence to yourself by saying ‘yes’ to things you don’t really want to do.
5. I want more than is on offer
So you meet a match that you are really attracted to; you have some really great dates and then they tell you something that is a deal breaker for you e.g. that they don’t want to have children – you do. Some people might be tempted to continue with the relationship regardless saying that they accept the situation while secretly believing that over time they will be able to change the other person’s mind. This is unfair. The person may change their mind in the future but you can’t bank on that happening because you will be lying when you say you are OK with their decision.
You must accept someone- their values, choices and behaviours as they are today rather than stay with them because you see the potential for things to be different in the future. What if they don’t change, will you regret your decision?
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