The Number 1 Tip for Successful Online Dating


Author and success coach Rebecca Perkins gives the lowdown on dating in midlife.

For many of us, dating in midlife is something we never thought we’d be doing right? Admittedly some of us might well be getting serious about finding love for the first time but for the vast majority it’s about finding love second time around. Naturally we’re turning to the internet and online dating to find love. It’s a great place to be.  eHarmony UK is home to a large number of members who are second-timers or over 40 – can you put in the correct figure please Lauren!

I was asked recently for my number one top tip for successful online dating for those in midlife. Without doubt it’s about having the right mindset.

What do I mean by that? Think of it this way. What are your thoughts about online dating? What’s the conversation you’re having with yourself and your friends about online dating? Be honest with yourself here.

Are you excited about it? Or are you wishing you were anywhere but looking for love online?

Are you coming across as a victim and needy in your profile or are you highlighting all that’s great about yourself. Ask yourself, “would I date me?” if the answers no then take a look at your mindset. Having this mindset in my experience is the only place to be. Those who are needy and desperate are going to mirror that in their dating experiences.

Yes, it’s about confidence too but getting yourself in the right headspace for dating is vital. Get in shape physically, emotionally and mentally, this way you’ll be setting yourself up for success. Yes, there will be knocks but knowing that you’re strong emotionally means that you won’t take each slight personally.

It’s important to reframe your approach if it’s anything other than positive. If you’re going out believing that, “no one responds to my messages, that all men are after younger women, that all women are shallow”, then there’s no surprise that that’s going to be your experience. Time and time again.

Don’t bring your past into your present dating life. Once I’d dealt with the things from my past, my divorce, my lack of confidence, my fear, then  I was in a much healthier place for dating. My attitude became one of believing that I had a great chance of meeting some cool guys, and that’s what I had as my focus when I was online.

So how about you? Be aware of what’s going on in your head.

And are you actually going out and enjoying the connections your making online, and whilst on a date or is your mind elsewhere? Are you dreaming of a possible future or even imagining that it’ll all go wrong (just like the last one) or that he won’t call….keep yourself in the present.

And how about fun? Is it all a chore and a rather depressing one at that? Or are you having the time of your life, making new friends, learning about yourself? Notice how you’re responding to that question? If it’s a chore, how can you inject some fun into it? What can you do to lighten the whole thing?

Helping clients get into the right mindset for dating is something I really enjoy doing, seeing the change in attitude and the resulting turn around in their dating experiences is something I love. Could your dating mindset and attitude do with a reboot?

Following a divorce, Rebecca found herself single and 45 years old in 2008. She hadn’t dated since she was 24 and found that much had changed. In need of male company, she decided to venture into the brave new world of online dating.

Rebecca is co-founder of Irresistible Dating which she set up with award winning dating photographer Saskia Nelson. Their expertise lies in guiding clients into the right mindset for dating success as well as helping them create a dating profile that stands out.

She is a success coach working with women to navigate the transition of midlife. She has appeared on BBC Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour, BBC London and writes  regularly for The Huffington Post.

Rebecca lives in Hertfordshire and enjoys being surrounded by her children, spending time with her guy (who she met online) and celebrating life after 50. You can find Rebecca getting social on Twitter and Facebook

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