‘I’ll never find anyone’ and the little black dress

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Never find anyone

If you’ve not found what you’re looking for online yet, it can be easy to feel that you’ll never find anyone. But, as Rebecca Perkins explains, you shouldn’t give up yet

I’ve been chatting recently with a couple of frustrated clients who are feeling stressed about their lack of online dating success. Maybe it’s because of the time of year; memories of Bridget Jones rushing through their heads, as one client said.

I read online all the time how being approached by seemingly inappropriate matches or people outside of their criteria is taken so personally. It makes people angry, frustrated, and even horrified. It’s almost like they’re saying, ‘How dare they!’ They become blinded by the fact, in their yes, that there are only time wasters, losers and charlatans online – how on earth are they ever going to find someone?

‘Inappropriate’ matches

I read it online all the time how being approached by seemingly inappropriate matches or contacted by people outside of their criteria is taken so personally. It makes people angry and frustrated and horrified. It’s almost like they’re saying, ‘How dare they!’ They become blinded by the ‘fact’ (in their eyes) that there are only time wasters, losers, and charlatans online and how on earth are they ever going to find someone…

Well, let me share a story with you.

You’re out shopping and looking for that elusive ‘little black dress’ (or the male equivalent!) You start off with high hopes and head to your favourite shop, but nothing really grabs you. You head into another shop, and another, and still nothing appeals. And so you begin to get a little frustrated because you’ve got a party to go to and you really, really want a new dress to wear.

The thing that I’ve come to understand is that when we give credence to thoughts like ‘there aren’t any little black dressed out there’ or ‘this shop is rubbish, it never has anything I want’ then that’s going to be what we experience. What I’ve found to be true is that it’s usually when you’re looking for something completely different, that you end up coming across that perfect LBD. Now, I’m not for one minute saying that you shouldn’t go out shopping when you need something. What I am saying is that if you focus too much on the exact image of what you think you want, it hides all other options from sight. In short, being angry and frustrated limits us.

Find out what’s really out there

So, how does this relate to dating? Well, the way I see it is that, when we’re fixated on a particular type of person, or we keep telling ourselves that there’s nobody out there that fits our criteria, we end up becoming blinkered to what really is out there. That little black dress was hanging on the clothes rail all along, you just didn’t see it because you’d become focused on wondering why you can’t find the dress you want!

Just because your favourite shop didn’t have the dress that you were after doesn’t mean that you won’t find a great pair of jeans there one day. We don’t stop going shopping because of one unsuccessful experience, yet many of us give up on online dating for this very reason.

Notice what’s running through your head the next time you shout at the computer because yet another ‘inappropriate’ match has landed in your inbox.

There’s room out there for everyone, we’re all in this together, so try not to take it so personally.


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