3 steps to getting closer than ever by talking


Whether you’re in a long-term relationship wondering where you’re headed or single and want to know if your date could go the distance, the level of verbal intimacy you have should be a big clue. There are lots of ways we use to measure whether someone has the right traits for a long-lasting relationship, but the ability to talk openly and honestly is one of the most important.

Here are the three things you need to create and grow verbal intimacy:

1.    Know yourself
Too many of us really don’t know ourselves. Imagine someone asked you to describe how you feel about a specific subject, for example your relationship with your parents, would you be able to give an honest and definitive answer? It’s likely you wouldn’t. This often stems from childhood, when we’re told not to cry or moan because we’re ‘not really hurt/upset’. We’re trained from a young age to ignore our feelings; something which seeps into our adult life. We’re not suggesting you should up sticks and head to Thailand to ‘find yourself’, but if you really want to create that verbal intimacy start being a little more honest about how you feel about things, and how they affect you. You’ll find that you’ll able to start being more honest with your partner too.

2.    Have a desire to get to know each other
It’s a no-brainer really – you have to want to get to know each other in order to progress your verbal intimacy, and ultimately your relationship. You’re probably familiar with the date who only wants to talk about themselves, occasionally asking a question about you before continuing on their monologue. You can’t blame them entirely – psychological research tells us that children who don’t get enough attention grow into adults who love to talk about themselves.
The other side of the coin is when you meet someone who really listens to you, and interacts with the things you’re saying. That can be a great feeling, and it’s another indicator that you will have great verbal intimacy with them.

3.    Create time and space to talk
People often say you have to make time for things, and verbal intimacy is certainly one of them. It’s so easy these days – especially with technology everywhere – to bring your work home with you, or be constantly distracted when you’re with your partner.

You can beat this quite easily, though it takes some willpower. Switch off your mobile phone, computer and the TV and make time to talk. You’ll feel yourself distressing almost straight away – it’s amazing how the background hum of these things can make you feel uptight without even realising. This doesn’t need to be unnatural either – go for dinner with your partner, or a long walk away from distractions. Start to talk to your partner about anything from what your day was like to how you feel about your relationship and they should follow suit. Most importantly enjoy it – opening up shouldn’t feel like a chore, it should feel like a weight has been lifted.

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