Diagnosing your relationship weak point
It is easy to become disillusioned by dating and relationships if things keep going wrong but you have no idea why. If you really want to make your dating future different from your past it is essential that you do some detective work and find out where your weak points are. It is often far easier to see the other person’s faults but unless you can get real about your own you are likely to keep repeating the same patterns.
Are you jealous and possessive? Many people are afraid to admit how jealous they really are or may not even recognise that it is jealousy because it seems to be a natural part of the package when they get involved with someone. Do you find that within a few weeks of seeing someone you begin questioning them about where they are going and who they are seeing? Do you feel really insecure when they talk about previous relationships? Do you end up trying to control their movements, compulsively checking their Facebook status or even reading their text messages and emails because you are sure they are hiding something from you?
People who suffer from chronic jealousy often end up feeling like victims because they keep getting involved with people who cheat on them or who are dishonest in other ways. There is no denying they have been hurt in the past but they are often dragging that hurt into every new relationship. Worse still it can be the constant suspicion and accusations that push someone away from you and into someone else’s arms so it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. What you think about, you bring about.
If you think jealousy is ruining your relationships you may need to go and talk to someone to help you get to the root of the problem.
Fear of commitment
This isn’t just about commitment to a long-term relationship. Commitment starts right at the beginning when deciding when and where to meet. If you are always late, indecisive, flighty or flaky it’s unlikely that you will get very far as most self-respecting people will want to be treated better.
Maybe you start off ok but bolt when it comes to making the bigger commitments like marriage and kids. Are you waiting for everything to feel 100% perfect before you will make these commitments? The truth is that most people have some doubts about these life choices. Courage often comes after the event. It is natural to be afraid of making a mistake which may be difficult and painful to get out of later but sometimes we listen too much to the doubts in our head. We may believe that when we have really found Mr/Mrs Right the doubts won’t be there any more. This isn’t true. The most common reason behind a fear of commitment is a insecurity and unwillingness to expose oneself in the way a long-term relationship requires INTIMACY = Into-Me-See. Have faith. Don’t wait for all the doubt and fear to disappear, see them like the stage fright an actor gets before opening night – it will help you step authentically into your part not a sign that the show should be cancelled!
Are you really honest about who you are or are you always hiding something? It might be something about your past or a characteristic you hope your partner will never discover. About 80% of our communication is non-verbal and most people will sense if someone is hiding something and the relationship will struggle to move forward. Hiding something also means that you will never be able to fully relax in the relationship and can erode your confidence and self esteem. This can lead to you sabotaging the relationship yourself as you won’t trust your partner’s love because they don’t know the ‘real’ you.
We are not advocating compete disclosure on the first date but it is a good idea to have a policy of honesty from the very beginning – make your profile a true reflection of who you are, like a shop window display your best wares but not things you blatantly don’t have; don’t evade questions even if they make you feel a bit uncomfortable, if this relationship is going to go anywhere deeper than surface level you will have to come clean one day. Whatever it is that you feel you need to hide will be far easier for a partner to accept if you accept it yourself and are honest with them.
The most common weak spot people have is the expectation that meeting that special someone will make them feel better about themselves and they will live happily ever after. Happiness comes from the inside out. If you are an unhappy single person you will probably be unhappy as part of a couple, no-one can fix you except you.
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