How to discuss commitment
Once you meet someone you really connect with, it’s natural to want to know if they’re committed to the relationship too, but how do you bring up this tricky subject?
At different points in a relationship there will inevitably be discussions to decide whether or not you go to the next level together. Usually these conversations will arise naturally as your feelings for each other deepen but sometimes if things seem to be drifting one of you may decide to initiate a discussion about commitment.
People progress in relationships at different times and it’s important to gauge your partner’s readiness to have this conversation. One thing’s for sure, the more you try and talk to someone who isn’t ready, the less likely you are to get what you want.
Choose a time when you’re feeling close and there are few outward distractions. It’s better to have ‘the talk’ when you’re both sober, clear headed, and it’s natural rather than contrived.
Your first commitment is to yourself
Before you bring up the subject of a future with your partner make sure you’re clear about your own feelings. Where do you want to be in 5 years time? What are your dreams, goals and ambitions for yourself? Is there a place for your current partner in these plans?
Your future happiness is ultimately your responsibility. A conversation where you explain what you want in your future and asking what your partner wants in theirs, will go much better than one where you’re holding off making your own plans until you know what theirs are.
An honest and open conversation like this will help you both see whether you want the same things in life. Without having to mention the word ‘commitment’ you may end up deciding to go to the next level or to break it off because neither of you see a future for you as a couple, even if you get on really well.
Men and women are motivated in different ways to make a commitment
Many women want men to make a big gesture of commitment and like nothing better than having long conversations about the future. Her focus will often be on whether he’s making a commitment to her – women often feel they need a commitment from a man to feel safe and sure that he isn’t going to find someone else.
He on the other hand is much more likely to make a commitment to her if he feels he is appreciated and accepted as he is and she’s not trying to corner him or make him change. When he sees that she wants him rather than needs him and that she’s perfectly happy getting on with her life with someone else if he can’t give her what she wants, then he’s free to decide if he wants to commit.
Men who feel they have won their woman rather than been ensnared by her are much likely to make a long term commitment.
Actions speak louder than words
Rather than having long intense conversations about your relationship show your partner your level of commitment by how you treat them. Be impeccable with your word, treat them with respect, do what you say you’re going to do and be honest about how you feel when you’re with them.
We teach people how to treat us. If you feel committed enough to someone to treat them as though they’re very special to you but they treat you quite differently, you’ll probably want to discuss the matter with them. Such a conversation may prompt them to say the right things but if their behaviour doesn’t change then their words will mean nothing.
You deserve to be treated well. A commitment to yourself to hold out for someone who’s capable of a healthy and lasting relationship is better than all the empty promises of someone who isn’t.
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