What Not To Say In The First Message To A Match

smartphone in hands

After 20 years in the dating world, we’ve heard it all from our members. We’ve taken that feedback and compiled two lists: What To Say and What Not To Say in a first message. In this article, we’ll share the most common mistakes and how to get the most out of your first move.

1. Mentioning Your Ex

The biggest dating no-no. When you’re first messaging with a new match, you want to appear emotionally available, positive, and ready for a new relationship. This isn’t time to unpack all of your past relationship problems, it’s the time to find something new and exciting.

2. Sending or Asking for NSFW Pics

Yeah…sending inappropriate pictures or asking your match to send pics to you, is going to get you flagged by our Trust & Safety team. Just don’t do it.

3. Using Formulaic Templates

You may have found your favorite formula after a few attempts. That's fine, as long as you keep it personal. Think of it like a cover letter: customize per each employer or in this case, each match.

4. Just Saying “Hi”

By just messaging, “Hi” or “Hey”, you’re communicating to your match that you don’t want to invest time in the conversation or them. Instead of just writing hello, take a look at their profile and comment on a sport they play or where they went to college.

5. Commenting on Appearance

Referring to a new match with, “Hey, cutie” or asking, “What’s up beautiful?” may turn off potential partners. On eharmony, you fill out your profile in detail and take the Compatibility Quiz to help find love that lasts. Members love when their matches take interest in their hobbies and preferences, not just their looks.

6. Lying About Anything

The rules of dating IRL apply to dating apps too. You wouldn’t lie to a date over dinner, so don’t do it when you’re messaging a match. Being true to yourself is one of the keys to finding a successful relationship.

Make sure you are thoughtful, original and true to yourself from the first message to the first date. If you’ve found someone who interests you very much then take the initiative and follow these basic rules. If you have any questions about messaging your matches, learn more at our Help Center.