Should I ask her out: How to read the right signals
You’re feeling a connection with a girl and you think, “Should I ask her out?” And the simple answer is, yes, if you’re feeling the right kind of connection and you think it’s the right time.
But when is the right time and what are the right kind of signs? What if they still say no? Beyond our logical faculties, it’s easy to also fall prey to basic nerves like many people do in a similar situation. We start overthinking the process, the potential for rejection and what it could mean for the hopes of our love life.
While nerves and reluctance are things that naturally become less of an influence with time, there are simple things you can do today to more clearly answer the question, should I ask a girl out? We’ll cover what you should be looking out for.
Table of Contents
Reasons to ask her out
So, what are the benefits of asking her out to begin with? Well, you wouldn’t be looking up, should I ask her out, if you didn’t already have a preternatural and essentially human idea of what the perks of being in a relationship with them could be. But if you’re asking, why her and why today? There are so many reasons.
You’ll get better at it
Studies have positively linked reinforcement and confidence in a range of scenarios1. Ultimately, it works on our confidence. Nerves often get in the way of not just the decision to approach, but also how naturally you come across when you do choose to.
The more often you act on your desire to approach people you think you’ve received signals from or feel fairly confident you’d be compatible with, the more natural it will feel. When to ask a girl out won’t be so much of a problem because your mindset will start to adjust to the situation being less unnecessarily awkward.
Good relationships are linked to well-being
If you’re not that concerned about rejection, but question if you’re in the right mental space to explore dating healthily right now, that’s an understandable and mature consideration that should factor into your question, should I ask her out? However, if it stems from past relationship trauma, you may be doing yourself a disservice by putting off dating entirely for too long. Getting back out there is also an important aspect of healing.
They don’t all have to end with marriage to be considered successful. Many studies have linked the presence of meaningful relationships in your life to be linked to a greater sense of well-being and personal accomplishment2.
‘Should I ask her out or not?’ is a pointless question
Well, it’s pointless in the sense of looking at dating as you surmounting some kind of challenge. Connecting and flirting should feel like a natural exchange where the notion of ‘should I ask her out?’ naturally flows, simply from a desire to see that person again and get to know them.
Focus on this concept when you’re talking to someone. You’re not asking a favor or making a request, you’re suggesting that this current connection seems really promising and you’d like to see where it goes. Both parties benefit from dating.
Now, as a modern man or woman, you may also be wondering, “Is it better to ask for a date or wait to be asked?” There are a lot of factors to consider. Looking at this study from DatePsychology, almost a third of male respondents had never approached a woman, while 73% of women under 40 are open to being approached. That’s quite a mismatch in potential.
The same study showed women are significantly less likely to approach. So, the question, should I ask her out, really depends on how active you want to be in your dating life. While we understand initiating a conversation and asking someone out isn’t the most inviting social endeavor, it is the only one that won’t leave you feeling like you’re letting potentially life-changing connections slip by you in your daily life.
Signs she wants you to ask her out
Initiating a conversation and seeing the right opening to take it further and ask them out are two very different concepts. Although we’d say seeing a potential connection and deciding to take the leap is half the battle won, when should you be asking yourself, should I just ask her out already?
- She changes the way she interacts with you – Women are just a capable at flirting as men and often engage in it more readily3. They just tend to employ more subtle flirting styles due to existing sexual scripts and gender roles. This can sometimes be challenging to detect. If her tone or the way she begins interacting starts to change, this may be your signal. This can include asking more probing questions, increased self-disclosure and being more attentive when you talk.
- She laughs excessively at your comments – The science is still out as to why we find people funnier when we’re attracted to them, but it is nonetheless a well-observed phenomenon4. Research suggests humor is a basic building block of human relationships and shared experiences, and that we use it in less familiar social situations to enhance overall comfort and signal an increase in intimacy. So, from the outside, it appears as if we find more attractive people funnier.
- She displays the right kind of body language – Positive body language is important in any interaction you want to go a certain way, especially when you’re trying to read body language and signs of attraction. However, many people think that all positive body language cues are signs she wants you to ask her out. While cues like her adjusting her appearance, leaning in during conversation or an open body posture are good signs, they just indicate attention, not sexual interest. Behaviors that suggested genuine attraction include her smiling more, maintaining proximity and eye contact, and mimicking your body language.
- She compliments you the right way – Women tend to compliment differently from men to indicate attraction. A study shows women prefer and make more use of metaphorical language in compliments than direct ones5. So passing compliments may simply be politeness, but when you can tell a girl has put some thought and context into her compliments towards you, stop asking yourself, should i ask her out, and just go for it.
- She initiates contact often – A large part of many women’s sexual scripts involves arousing curiosity and interest by playing somewhat hard to get sometimes, studies show6. So, if a girl takes a more active role during that initial getting-to-know-you phase, it already shows some degree of active interest.
- She’s open about introducing her to your social circle – Most women only tend to be comfortable allowing you into their social circle when there’s already some existing trust and attraction. You don’t feel like an outsider to them any longer. It may be one of the signs she wants you to ask her out. More than this, many people often use their friends to further vet a potential partner. They’re trying to see if their friends like you as much as they do.
Is it inappropriate to ask a woman out?
You may be wondering, ‘Should I ask her out in the first place?’ in this modern social climate. While modern dating etiquette has certainly changed, there’s still only one way to cross that line between friend and romantic prospect. So no, asking people out is not inappropriate, but you should still keep a close eye on context.
The setting makes a difference. Are you hanging around socially, are you colleagues, or have you just met at a bar? In general, you want to look out for some signs that she wants you to ask her out. But try to remember professional settings are much more restrictive, so when asking out a coworker, it always pays to be twice as cautious and respectful. First-time meetings should move a bit quicker, as you need to take that next step to ensure a second encounter. In general, you should wait for a more private, but neutral setting to ask them out so they don’t feel pressured.
Sometimes, it’s just not the right time or place. If they’re in a bad place emotionally, under stress or recovering from a previous relationship, try to give them some time and check back in later to gauge their emotional space. While we encourage an optimistic outlook, always ask yourself if this would be a comfortable setting for them to reject you.
Should i ask her out if she doesn’t seem interested?
If she genuinely shows no interest, then no, you shouldn’t ask her out. Particularly in certain settings, asking someone out who hasn’t sent you any positive signals can be interpreted as inappropriate. However, it may be that her signals are a little too subtle for you to pick up on. Try and test the waters a bit more by trying to engage her in a group dynamic and seeing her reaction, or how she reacts to spontaneous messages. If she’s active in these contexts, it could be a sign there’s a chance.
Some clear signs of genuine disinterest can include her simply not engaging with you enthusiastically, like replying to messages late, giving close-ended responses when you talk to her, or having no shared sense of humor. She may even actively avoid interacting with you one-on-one with excuses, or cancelling at the last minute. If you’re still wondering, should I ask her out, with zero positive feedback, it’s time to reassess your priorities and what you’re looking for in a relationship.
At the end of the day, you should also be looking out for your emotional health. Having the self-respect to walk away from someone who is either sending you mixed signals or none at all will help you feel more assured when you do finally find a spark with someone.
Should i ask her out if I barely know her?
On the face of it, there’s nothing wrong with asking someone out right after you’ve met them. However, it’s always good to use your best judgment. Online dating app culture encourages moving the interaction forward to a first date at a relatively quick pace. But these first dates are more to check if there’s any chemistry face-to-face.
If you already know each other or have interacted in real life, then you’ll both have a better idea of your natural attraction. It’s best to proceed casually at first by getting to know them and seeing if they give out any cues that the interest is mutual. Even when you do ask a relative stranger out, try to make it a casual, low-pressure affair, like asking them out for a quick coffee or an afternoon walk. Make it feel simply like an opportunity to explore your connection further.
For example: “Hi! It was really interesting talking to you today. Would you be up for a coffee sometime? I’d love to have more time to get to know you better.”
Should I ask her out again?
So, you’ve tried your luck before and she wasn’t interested, or perhaps you already went on that first date, and now you’re wondering when to ask a girl out for a second date. The right answer very much depends on how it’s gone for you historically.
Should I ask her out again after a rejection?
While asking people out and dealing with rejection has been a standard in the dating world for centuries, we still appreciate the psychological impact saying ‘no’ has on people7. To such a degree, we often accept invitations we’d rather not.
Rejection is often uncomfortable for both parties. So if you’re wondering, “Should I ask her out again after she already said no?”, you should have a good reason to do so. Some rejections do leave room for a change in context. For instance, when they already had plans, or it just wasn’t the right time. These are genuine reasons for rejection that you don’t have to take personally. However, some rejections show no interest, like making excuses when the question comes up, or changing plans at the last minute. In that case, you already have your answer.
It could also just be a no for now, until her circumstances or the context change. But always accept a no as a no. However, there’s also nothing wrong with (very) casually checking back in down the line.
Should I ask her out again after a first date?
If your first date seemed to go well for both of you and you’ve both maintained semi-regular contact after the date, it’s normal – and quite recommended – to follow up with a request for a second date.
But if you’re reading this wondering, should I ask her out on a second date, then you probably aren’t completely sure how well the first one went. Here are some signs of a good first date, that will help you decide:
- There weren’t a lot of awkward silences.
- Neither of you seemed distracted during the date and stayed focused on each other.
- The date lasted well into overtime.
- Eye contact was consistent and warm throughout.
- You both had open and positive body language by the end.
- You’ve stayed in contact after the date.
Signs it didn’t go so well include any time you felt the opposite of the above points. Some more subtle signs could be a busy but unenthusiastic conversation, a feeling that there’s not a match in your personalities, or there being no effort during your first date to make any plans for a second one.
If you think something is there, you should try to follow up as soon as possible so you don’t lose the emotional momentum of your first date. It’s advisable to wait 2-7 days after the first one to ask.
When to ask a girl out
When you’re asking yourself not just should I ask her out, but when’s the best time to do it, you’re on the right track.
Timing is incredibly important when it comes to dating. We explore this topic deeply in our advice piece, how long should you wait to ask someone out. While timing has a lot to do with when you choose to ask someone out, the right setting and context can also play a big role.8
Try asking them at the conclusion of an engaging conversation, or when you can tell she’s feeling relaxed. If she’s already shown signs she wants you to ask her out, then you may have some more leeway when it comes to the right time and context. Try to avoid times when it seems like she’s not in the right mood, is distracted by other things in life, or comes across as a bit stressed at that point.
How to ask her out
There’s a subtle art to figuring out how to ask someone out, especially when you’re navigating the nerves of how to ask a girl out or deciding if it’s okay to ask someone out over text. The stakes feel high, but the secret is keeping it simple, sincere, and unmistakably clear. If you’re thinking about making a move, here are a few quick tips to help you do it with confidence
- Don’t make a big deal out of it. Try to ask her as casually as possible, so she doesn’t feel pressured.
- Try to ask in person. Asking for a date over text can be easier to dismiss or lose focus on.
- Be clear in what you’re asking. Don’t be too casual and leave her thinking this is a friendly meetup.
- Start small, like trying out a local ice cream place together. Remember, you’re just testing the waters right now.
- Try picking a date idea that speaks to a mutual interest, like a concert or art exhibition. But be clear, it’s a date.
The most important thing when asking yourself, should I ask her out and how, is to be sincere and upfront.
Should I ask her out? It’s all about context
At the end of the day, we did tell you not to overthink the situation too much. It’s all well to be respectful and appropriate, but don’t over-rely on those principles and miss an opportunity that’s staring right at you. If she seems to be receptive, use some basic common sense to pick the right time to explore the topic and simply go for it. The worst she can say is “No.” And if you accept that answer for what it is, with humility and decency, then that rejection doesn’t speak to who you are as a person. Rather, it’s a testament to the fact that you’re staying active in your dating life while being respectful of other people’s boundaries. And there’s no better way to date than with a healthy, positive mindset.
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