How to get over a breakup: dealing with happily never after

Sadly, not all relationships end happily. You know this, which is why you’re here reading about how to get over a breakup. Brace yourself – it’s likely this won’t be the only time you’ll go through this. A study shows that on average, people go through eight or nine relationships before finding the one¹. But you are also not alone with your feelings. Which is why – although breakups can be devastating, no matter the length of the relationship – it’s so important to learn how to get over heartbreak. In this article, we’ll look at different types of breakups, why breakups hurt so much, and offer some advice on how to get over a breakup.

How many kinds of breakups are there, anyway?

Not all breakups are the same – which makes sense, since not all relationships are the same. How to cope with a breakup is going to change depending on how things ended. Here’s a list of several common types of breakups:

The mutual breakup

This is when you both realize it just isn’t working out anymore and decide to part aways, perhaps even amicably. It’s sad and you’ll probably shed a few tears, but there’s less heartbreak involved than with the other types on this list.

The circumstance-related split

One of you is relocating to another city for work and the other doesn’t want to move, you follow different religions, and neither is willing to convert, you love each other but your families don’t… sometimes love just isn’t enough to keep a couple together.

The ultimatum breakup

‘You need to propose or I’m walking’, or ‘It’s me or the dog’. Sound familiar? The ultimatum breakup happens when one of you doubles down on something you need for the relationship to continue but your partner isn’t willing. An ultimatum breakup can sting initially but eventually you’ll likely be relieved.

The something someone said split

Sometimes, you just can’t get over something someone said – maybe he denigrated your cooking or your body, maybe she insisted that no engagement ring worth buying cost less than five figures, maybe he was rude to the waiter, maybe she made a racist comment. Whatever it is, the statement irrevocably changes your perception of them, eventually destroying the relationship.

The cheating breakup

This one’s obvious, we think. Especially if you had no idea, finding out someone you care about has been stepping out on you feels like a terrible betrayal as well as a blow to your self-esteem.

The toxic relationship split

Whether it’s abuse of some kind or even ‘just’ two people who bring out the worst in each other, leaving a toxic relationship can often bring complicated feelings – you wouldn’t have been with them if you didn’t love them, after all.

The blindside

This is one of the worst kinds of breakup, the one that comes completely out of nowhere. Especially if your partner has hidden their true feelings and plans for months, being broken up with out of the blue can feel traumatic in a way an expected split just isn’t.

Why do breakups hurt so much?

We all know that breakups hurt – there’s a reason there are entire subgenres of music, movies, and literature about how to cope with heartbreak – but why do they hurt so much? Possible reasons can be:

Breakups constitute a loss of meaning in your life

Breaking up with someone creates a major shift in your daily life. The routines you once shared, the goals you set together—those are now things of the past, and the plans you made as a couple are no longer in play. This change can feel like a real emptiness, especially if the breakup wasn’t your choice; though even if it was, the absence of your partner can leave you feeling as if there’s a tangible void. Adding to that sense of loss is often the thought of time invested, leaving you with lingering feelings of regret over the months or years spent together.

Breakups can have physical, and chemical, consequences

If you’re wondering why a breakup can leave you feeling so drained, it’s due to your brain chemistry. Research shows that after a breakup, levels of feel-good neurotransmitters—like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin—significantly drop. At the same time, cortisol, the hormone linked to stress, rises sharply. To make things worse, studies indicate that a breakup can activate the same areas in the brain that process physical pain². No wonder it feels like heartbreak truly hurts!

Breakups are a kind of loss

Even if there’s no death involved, a breakup is a loss. Not only do you lose someone who is important to you, in many cases, you lose their family and friends, too. Sometimes, even friends and family who you consider to be on ‘your’ side may take your ex’s. And when there’s loss, there’s grief – it’s not uncommon for people to feel the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) or to require support from family and friends after a loss. Depending on how bad the breakup is, it’s also okay to consider going to a professional for help if you need to.

Breakups are a blow to your self-worth

Even in the most amicable, mutual breakup, it’s easy to feel as though you weren’t enough in some way—especially if the breakup was unexpected or involved betrayal. Being left can stir up feelings of rejection and inadequacy, leaving your self-esteem bruised as you wonder why you weren’t “good enough” to stay in a relationship. These feelings are compounded by our natural tendency to seek logical explanations, even when there aren’t any. Sometimes, as hard as it is to accept, there just isn’t a clear reason why things ended.

Breakups involve a fear of the unknown

When you’re in a relationship, even if it’s not a good one, you still sort of know what to expect – marriage, children, that sort of thing. A breakup throws all of that out of the window, and you’re forced to figure out what to do with your life now… and without the person you planned on spending the rest of it with. This can cause massive amounts of anxiety, stress, and fear. Especially if you’ve been with someone a long time, suddenly being single again can be emotionally devastating.

How to get over a breakup

Unfortunately, most people will experience a breakup at some point in life. In fact, a recent eharmony survey found that 84% of Gen Z singles feel past heartbreaks have made them more cautious, and 72% report feeling less trusting in relationships.³ This is why it’s essential to learn how to move on in a healthy way, making sure the experience helps rather than hinders future relationships.

Allow yourself to grieve

Bottling up your emotions around your breakup will only wind up coming back to bite you later. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling, whether that’s grief, rage, despair, or a mix. Acknowledging your emotions and feeling them is key to being able to move on from even the most devastating of heartbreaks.

Expert Tip

“Getting over a breakup, especially with someone you deeply loved, is challenging but not impossible. The key is focusing on healing and rediscovering yourself. Start by accepting your emotions and not avoiding them. Some of these emotions might be: heartache, sadness or anger which are all natural parts of the grieving process. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can help you process these feelings.”

Dr Lalitaa Suglani

eharmony Relationship Expert

Find new sources of meaning

You’ve made your relationship the center of your life and now it’s gone. The good news is, there are so many other wonderful things to focus on, whether it’s your relationships with your family and friends, your pets, your faith, a cause you want to volunteer for… you just need to find something that will fill the spaces your previous relationship left empty.

Focus on creating new memories

One unexpected benefit of being single is having more free time. Instead of moping or sinking into despair, use this time to pursue things you previously couldn’t—take a class, dive into a new work project, spend quality time with friends and family, or work toward a personal goal you’ve always wanted to achieve.

“A way of supporting yourself through a breakup and heartache is to take proactive steps,” Dr. Lalitaa advises. “Discover how to cope with breakup by removing reminders of your ex, establishing boundaries (like limited contact), and redirecting energy into things that make you happy. Build a support system and, if you need it, seek therapy to gain perspective.”

Consider getting help

A breakup is a loss and can be just as devastating as someone you love passing away. Thankfully, we’re getting better about recognizing the importance of mental health – so don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or other mental health professional if you have access. If you don’t, talk to a trusted friend or elder for ideas on how to let go of someone. Half of the respondents in an eharmony study also stated that they talk to friends to get over a breakup.⁴

Focus on self-care

A key part of how to get over a breakup is taking care of yourself. What that looks like will look different for each of us, but you can’t go wrong with eating healthily, getting plenty of sleep, and exercising regularly. Indeed, 50% of respondents in a recent eharmony study say they cope a breakup with exercising.⁵ Other ideas include spa days, or spending time in nature or with a good book.

Make a list of all the reasons getting back together is a bad idea

Odds are, there are days when you’re going to want to get back together, or at least hook up. Resist the temptation – instead, either think through or actually write down all the ways the relationship was a bad idea, and refer to it whenever the urge to make bad decisions strikes again.

Avoid negative coping mechanisms

It can be very tempting to try and get over an ex with alcohol, some no-strings attached sex with a stranger, or even drugs. While solutions like this do offer some relief, they’re usually temporary, and aren’t worth the long-term consequences. “Avoid unhealthy distractions, such as jumping into another relationship, which serial daters often do to avoid pain,” the expert warns. “Instead, give yourself time to reflect and grow.”

Remove reminders of your ex from your life

Whether physical items—like mementos, gifts, clothing, or jewelry—or digital traces, removing reminders of your ex can help you move on. While it might not always be feasible—especially if you have children, or aren’t ready to part with them just yet—putting these items away in a box out of sight can be a helpful step. This way, you can give yourself space to heal emotionally until you’re ready to decide what to do with them.

Find closure

While as a rule it’s good to drop all contact with your ex, sometimes for your own peace of mind, you need closure – whether that’s one last clearing-the-air conversation or simply a letter where you pour out your heart and then burn. Closure can be helpful in closing the door on a past relationship so you can move on to better things. A recent eharmony study revealed that 68% of participants believe getting closure from an ex is essential to moving on, underscoring its significance.⁶

You might be wondering, ‘how long does it take to get over a breakup?’ Studies say it’s about six months⁷, but Dr. Lalitaa Suglani says there is no fixed timeline for how long it takes to get over heartbreak – it varies for everyone. “Remember, letting go isn’t about forgetting: it’s about making peace and opening yourself to new possibilities. Focusing on self-care and personal growth helps quicken the process.” So give yourself time and grace.

Remember, every ending is also a beginning

Just like death and taxes, breakups are a near-certainty of life for those of us who aren’t lucky enough to find true love on our first-go around. Just as with any other life event though, what defines us isn’t the end of the relationship itself, but how we deal with it. Which is why it’s so important to know how to get over a breakup. Regardless of why it happened, the best way to heal is to treat yourself with care, compassion, and to lean on the people who love you. And once your heart has healed? There’s always eharmony.